Sunday, October 30, 2016

Darkness Yields Light



My library is small, but the literature that lines the shelves of the simple handmade rack are filled with wisdom and purpose. All have become friends, and many times they are revisited, as they bring a certain message that bears repeating. Joshua by Joseph F. Girzone still remains open as I continue to drink in the presence of Jesus. It is as if I am walking with Him past the pages into the fields and meadows that surround his quiet habitat. Since last I spoke of Joshua's visit to the city of Auburn he is finding himself in a pickle due to his passionately shared beliefs. He's walked this way before, so he is well aware of those who seek him harm, but he remains dauntless.

After attending a Friday meeting at the synagogue the crowds gather around Joshua. An angry man approaches him in spewing hatred and accusations at Joshua for his part as a Christian in persecuting his people, the Jews, and killing them in concentration camps during the time of Hitler. He had never met Joshua prior to this night, so he did not yet have a hint as to his true identify. Joshua's response to his anger teaches much:

"Joshua pitied the man's tortured spirit and felt it would be cruel to counter him. Then, 
impulsively, to the man's utter disbelief, Joshua put his arms around him and hugged him 
intensely, asking him for forgiveness for all the meanness his people had done to his 
family and all other Jews throughout the centuries. The man was overcome by the 
sincerity of Joshua's  compassion that he broke down, threw his arms around Joshua, and 
cried like a baby. In a moment all the bitterness and rage had left his troubled spirit, and 
his body went limp with the release of years of pent-up hatred and sickness."


The man, released from his anger and torment goes into the sanctuary with Joshua where they worship together. Hearing Joshua's perfect Hebrew the man begins to realize that the man he encountered is no ordinary man. 

Although this is only one of the books in the Joshua series written by Girzone, this is the one I have enjoyed the most, because it is a first encounter the people have with Joshua. It always makes me wonder if ,as we are told we may be entertaining angels, could possibly be encountering Jesus in our world today. As I was talking with Jesus I asked Him if He's been walking the streets of the city mingling with man as the book relates. Barely had the words brushed past my lips when I realized the encounter I had with a man called Cristeo. This man gave me a message, then disappeared, and this is not the first chance meeting or phone call I have received in my lifetime. It reassures me that God is very much concerned about each aspect of my life. I know He exists, because I have made mention countless times of sitting in His lap, listening and learning...being comforted by His presence. These are special times in my day, and I cherish the conversations.

This morning I elected to listen to a trusted friend's message, "Walking with God Through the Dark Times" by Charles Stanley, a Georgia pastor who has had his struggle with darkness. In the study Dr. Stanley gives six principles as seen through the life of Joseph that assure us of God's presence.

1) God is with us in our dark times. (Hebrews 13:5)

2) God has a purpose for allowing these times of darkness. (Genesis 45: 7-8, Romans 8:28)

3) The darkness will last as long as is necessary for God to accomplish His purpose. (Genesis 37 - 50)

4)We learn more in the dark than we learn in the light. (The witness is our testimony.)

5) Even in the dark times we are walking towards the light when our focus stays on Jesus. ("Trust Me.")

6) What we learn in the darkness we share in the light. (Matthew 10:27)

Great principles that I hope you look up, ponder, and talk to Jesus about for yourself. I also encourage you to listen to the message. There's always a reason God does what He does, and it is never to punish anyone. He wants our best...always!

 It is only by walking through dark times that we can truly relate to another who may be struggling and need encouragement or release from a situation that has embittered and tormented his soul. We cross paths with hurting people every day, and it is our obligation to share the reason of hope that is within us with everyone who asks. If I can share a glimmer of the hope I have in trusting Jesus with a suffering soul I want to do it, because it's the most precious gift I have...hope!

Saturday, 10.29.16

 

Disparities in my life create unceasing turmoil, yet at the same time I feel an underlying sense of calm. I have described my life as a conundrum, and trying to understand the complexities is mind-blowing. Yesterday while listening to a brief news spot on KLOVE one of the reporters disclosed interesting research information relating to the differences in how the brain of man and a woman function. It seems women were found to be more complicated than men. This is not a surprise as I often debate with the Lord regarding the scriptures relating the strength of men, because clearly He must be describing physical or brute strength. Sorry, guys but research is a trustworthy reference, and although you probably won't admit it, this is true. But, we won't debate.

The beginning of the week was a mix of struggles and hope. Tuesday a friend told me that her daughter wanted to know when she could bring her children over to my house. This brought back memories of little children asking their mother if they could go to Linda's house and play. I imagine this is God's way of reminding me that I still do serve a purpose in encouraging children. On the flip side is the sadness I feel in remembering that my grandchildren used to come to my house when they were young, but now I never see them. I also have great-grandchildren whom I have yet to meet. This had been my hope for this year, but it never seemed to work out. Somehow, I wonder, am I to find peace in the fact that I may never know them? Perhaps this is why God in His mercy and great love  allows friends to share their young ones with me. Still my heart aches.

Jesus loved little children. This is evident in Matthew 19:14, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." This gives me pause to reflect on my life and the little ones who have been part of my life and ministry. It also makes me remember my children's exposure to my "childish" imagination and sense of wonder that continues to follow my way of thinking. Perhaps being damaged as a child I somehow knew a way to shelter and protect them. Memories can be horrifying, but others provide healing and closure, and I believe this is why I am being allowed to remember. It also opens doors for helping others get through some pretty touch places. Empathy and understanding accomplish more, but listening works so much better. Being damaged has its merits. I feel encouraged and strengthened somehow, and I want to share this discovery with other who are going through their dark places.

Last night I received a call from my daughter who has struggled the majority of her life with illness and pain. Her emotional and mental distress are unending, yet spiritually she continues to place her hope and trust in Jesus. I must believe her stand will pay off in the end, as I want to see her happily living a quality life. Her present challenges reach so much more deeply than my broken heart can go, and the mental perplexity of the situation is beyond any human reasoning. But God knows, He hears, and He responds, even when cries for help fall on deaf ears and hardened hearts. In spite of trials we laughed over silly things, and again, I wondered about my childish ways of bringing relief to her sad and lonely heart. At least the memories made us laugh, then laugh some more. Sometimes I think we must have multiple personalities, but I can only pray I gave them the best part of who I am and the One I love. I know this is what keeps my sons and daughter strong and unyielding to defeat. The enemy has tried to take their lives more than once, but thankfully, his lies and deception did not win. I praise God for those victories!

Today I have errands to run, and to be honest, I have little strength of heart to leave this house. I would much prefer to sit in Jesus' lap all day and listen. But life awaits outside my doors, and I must be about my Father's work, because every day is mission if we see it as such. A day to bring Him glory, even in our times of darkness, we can choose to follow the light.

Sunday, October 23, 2016

Simply Stated




Recently I shipped my son in Virginia a box of extra-hot green chili for his roasting and eating pleasure. There is absolutely no smell on earth that equals the aroma of freshly roasted green chili! I decided to keep about six pods for myself and roast them in the frying pan. That went well except for a slight incident after not washing my hands well and experiencing the great "warming effect" green chili has when it comes in contact with the body, but we will not go there! This morning seemed a good time to put the chili in some potatoes I was frying in a little olive oil for breakfast. Very shortly I realized that indeed the green chili was not just extra-hot, but overly hot, and the mere cooking made me go into coughing spasms for several hours. My son was so excited over the news of learning there would be pain associated with the hotness of the chili that he was beside himself. Some like it hot! To each his own! I am still coughing sporadically from the adventure.

Yesterday in the late afternoon I decided to take in a movie, so I hopped into my car and headed to the theater. I decided to view Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children directed by Tim Burton, and I must say it was an afternoon well spent in the conundrum of his mind. The story is about a place of safety for these "peculiar children," or as I use the term lovingly "misfits," and of course there always has to be someone seeking to destroy, the villain. So enters the Samuel L Jackson character and his less than desirable emissaries. Actually, that part was extremely entertaining owing to the ridiculousness of it all. Still I enjoyed it so much that it will eventually find a "home" with me once released. As I was driving home thinking over the idea of the movie it gave me an idea for a story of my own. Good movies from great imaginations often kick off my writer's block. I recently told a friend that I get way more from fiction these days than I do from non-fiction. Generally the fiction comes from a place of great thought, whereas non-fiction writers seem to be saying the same thing over and over again, and nothing much seems to come of it. Good teaching, yet often times it is like the parable of the sower and the seed. You can research and think that one up for yourself if you are so inclined.

When I am struggling I much prefer to pick up a good "friend" from my book shelf these days. Ones that provoke thought.  I really need to hear God's voice and rest in His arms, so I pulled Joshua by Joseph F Girzone off the shelf and settled in my lavender bath to read this "parable for today," as Girzone states on the front cover. Joshua is a simple, but handsome, young man who shows up in the town of Auburn and changes the people's view of life and religion in particular. He, like Jesus whom he actually is in the book, answers questions people are led to ask after being in his unassuming company, after observing his simple, yet honest ways, and realizing he's not one to chase after wealth, prestige, or places of honor. He lives a simple life, has one set of clothing, earns money by making or repairing simple items, and loves the poor people of the area. He feels free to attend any church who pays honor and glory to his Father, and speaks with such an understanding of who God is, as if he really knew Him. In one instance Joshua is being driven home from the synagogue by one of men of the church, Aaron, who has lived with prestige and affluence all of his life, yet without finding true meaning. In listening to Joshua speak as they are driving along, Aaron asks Joshua,

     "...how did you become the way your are? Who taught you all the things you believe in?"

     "Why do you ask?"Joshua questioned curiously.

     "Because I can't understand how anyone could develop the vision of life that you have. It is so foreign to my way of thinking, and so different from the thinking of everybody I know."

     "I experience what I believe, Aaron, so I know that what I believe is true."

     "What do you mean, you experience it? How come I don't experience it?"

     "Each person looks at life through a different vision. Three men can look at a tree. One man will see so many board feet of valuable lumber worth so much money. The second man will see it as so much firewood to be burned, to keep his family warm in the winter. The third man will see it as a masterpiece of God's creative art, given to man as an expression of God's love and enduring strength, with a value far beyond its worth in money or firewood. What we live for determines what we see in life and gives clear focus to our inner vision."

The interesting part of this reading is the last line that I placed in italics. This is the first time I have actually seen or heard the wisdom of these words, and I have read this book way over a dozen times. I really believe God was confirming things in my life, as is His way, especially when I am into the mire and muck of daily life being sucked dry, spiritually speaking and otherwise.

So many people talk about events or news without really realizing what they are saying or without actually understanding the far reaching effects of what this information is saying or projecting. Point in case...the elections. Franklin Graham has been going all over the United States visiting and holding rallies in each State capital for one reason...to get people to pray and vote their conscience. He encourages people to becomes involved in government so Christians will truly have a say in the laws, policies and decision-making efforts. But how many people actually attended a rally or prayed for Franklin's journey this year? We are quick to post on Facebook and other social media a quotation we like from a leader or one we don't. We have our own little personal rallies about what we think or feel without taking the time to pray for those running, making decisions, or anything. Then we cry when someone is voted into office. We fail to see or listen much of the time.

During the election process with all the cat fighting going on between the Presidential candidates and the response of people's personal views many have failed to see what is happening behind the scenes. While the debates are keeping everyone up in arms, glued to the television, the President is busy at work trying to gain all the control he can before his term ends. I am part of the Presidential Prayer Team that is devoted to praying for the government and world, so I get the inside scoop, so to speak. Check out what is happening with zoning reforms that will inevitably allow the government to control levels of local State government. The exact words I read were, "...President Obama seems bent on extending his control...." The word "bent" is nicely put.

I heard on the radio this week (KLOVE) that the Smithsonian Institute is trying to raise $300,000 by mid-November for the restoration of the red ruby slippers Dorothy wore in the Wizard of Oz, because they have lacked their luster, dulling over these years. Call me biased but I can think of better ways to spend my money.

In my Prayer Alert for this week I was reading that the federal government spent $700,000 on a  study to determine whether astronaut Neil Armstrong's famous quote as the first man on the moon was transcribed accurately. The findings were inconclusive. Are you understanding what I am trying to say?!Or to quote a dear friend, "Words escape me!"

I know I am intense in the way I speak, the way I see things, but I am trying to see, speak, and communicate as Jesus would have me do. Our minds are full of garbage, and social media isn't helping. It diverts the focus away from the important things. After the elections everyone will be rushing around focusing on what new "toy" is available for Christmas, and I don't have anything to say about that, except Christmas should be celebrated each day. I love giving gifts at Christmas, but I much more prefer giving them every day. Jesus is right here. His wisdom is there for the asking. His lap is quite comfortable, and His wit remains just as sharp and poetic as the days He walked this earth. Actually, I feel He truly is right beside me every day.

The only help for our nation and world, for our lives and families, for our schools and businesses, and for our churches is the Lord Jesus Christ. It's not rocket science!


Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Tears and Silent Screams



I'm having a bad day. It's Wednesday, my day off when I am supposed to be enjoying a break from the stress of work.  The sun is shining brightly, the wind died down from yesterday, and it's a beautiful autumn day, my favorite season of the year. And yet...!

These feelings began to slowly creep into my life about three weeks ago, but no one sees the sadness behind the laughter and enthusiasm when I'm playing "the game" each day. I should have chosen comedy or acting as my career, as I surely can hide behind a lie. I used to tell myself that I wasn't a depressed person, I was always so happy as I bounced through each day. I was always busy doing something for everyone else, concerned only that my family had what they needed., or trying to cheer someone else up who was feeling down and discouraged in life. I can quote scripture better than a preacher. I should be able to spout it off, because I memorized it when I was young, and I have trusted in the words my entire life holding onto my faith even when I saw no evidence of anything changing. I still do that. I try to hang on, but the truth is I am going through one of the hardest trials of my life. It's not one thing, it is several coming all at once at record speed. So when I don't have structure in my day I fall apart easily. It only takes one small thing to trigger it, and I am a helpless mess.

So what can I do to "help myself" on these melt down days? I have to chuckle as this is the same crap I ask my clients. Senseless, irrelevant questions that signify nothing! Who comes up with this stuff anyway?! Plus as I said before I know the scriptures. I can read them, acknowledge the truth, but really sometimes it's not what I need. I think the best thing for me when the intensity of my feelings try to crush the life out of me sending me spiraling downwards into the black abyss is to hop into my car with my bike strapped on and get as far away from everyone as I possibly can go in a day. The noise emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually is deafening, and I realize that what I need is only the sound of the still, small voice heard softly in spite of the tormenting sounds around me. Some music soothes, but I need His voice. So in spite of the external and internal voices or this shrill shrieking noise I hear continuously in my ear piercing my brain I can find peace...alone...with Him.

Some information was shared with me yesterday, actually several bits of information including e-mails, that I really did not need to finish me off. The family information was so distressing as it involved abuse to a young child - my young child at the time - another secret that I just couldn't cope with, the agonizing question of "Why didn't I know this happened?" And the obvious response still does not remove the horror of yet another encounter with evil and the struggle to overcome. I fully understand why children do not tell, as I did not tell. Besides which if you tell you may be called a liar to protect the pervert who attacks the innocent one. To learn that someone had been told, but in fact was called a liar, consequently I was not told, does not help. It makes it worse. It makes me angry all over again, and I try so hard not to be angry. I feel as if I failed at the most important job I will ever have - motherhood. And in my mind I hear the words over and over spoken to me..."You don't know what I've done." I have tried to interpret the meaning of those words spoken to me in my adult life by another so many times, or to understand why a message written on the back of a letter I penned, written in a handwriting I know but cannot remember, had a message "Keep this to remember me." There are so many things I have blocked out, and suddenly I am remembering or finding out. It is tormenting, and yet I cling to the only hope I have...Jesus.

I bought a movie a few weeks ago called "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel." It is an excellent expose of the lives of senior adults trying to rekindle their lives when everyone thinks their lives are over after a certain age. Oh how I fight that mentality each day of my life dealing with the precious people I encounter on a daily basis. Age should not be a detriment to enjoying and living life to the fullest. Regardless of whether you are healthy or not. I can say that, because I am living my life in spite of everything that tries to knock me down or tempt me to take a gun and blow my brains out. Even the more subtle attack by satan to have me fall asleep at the wheel in my travels. It hasn't worked, because I am grasping hold to Jesus even if it is finger tip to finger tip, and I am hanging over the edge of a crevice. He holds me and bears me up physically and spiritually.

In the movie one of the characters, Evelyn, writes a daily blog. Sound familiar? She wrote on Day 51 that "The only real failure is the failure to try. And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointments, as we always must. We do our best, nothing else matters." The events of each person's life in the movies was being challenged in one shape or form, yet in each instance life continued and was strengthened by the resolve.

I don't know why I am sharing all of this, as I will more than likely be quoted scripture by the well-meaning saint or the opposite effect of condemnation. No me importa. It has to be so in order to develop a thicker hide (so to speak spiritually) or to walk more closely with Jesus. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks or says really. I've certainly weathered several of those storms. I am honest about who I am and that I struggle with some pretty serious stuff. There is no shame in that, and who knows it may help someone else who is struggling yet is afraid to dare speak. I am brave enough to say it for all of us, and we will succeed, and we are not failures. We will "cope with disappointments, as we always must."

Sunday, October 16, 2016

Eyes on Him



As I was praying this morning, meditating on the words written by Luke the physician I was overwhelmed by the simplicity of two statements. The first found in Chapter 1:37 when the angel of the Lord recounts to Mary that Elizabeth is pregnant in her old age, and he says: "For the word of God will never fail," and secondly when Elizabeth says to Mary in verse 45 of the same chapter, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said." In two instances in the reading this morning it is said that Mary pondered the things she heard and kept them in her heart. Two women deeply humbled by the mere thought they they were chosen for such a high privilege of service. Elizabeth to give birth to John the forerunner of the Messiah, and Mary, the mother of the Messiah, the Savior of all men. Imagine it. And yet He has called each of us in one capacity or another to fulfill a place in the kingdom. The cost is humility, obedience, service, and trust. It also requires courage, because we will always encounter those who do not understand, as did Mary and Elizabeth, but just as they did we simply respond in humble submission and trust.

Considering my own set of circumstances, I once more asked Abba for his direction, His desire for my life. I honestly don't know what I will be doing one day to the next, because I have purposed only to be obedient to each day's call. Because I am working I naturally have schedules and tasks for each day, but other than that I must say my plans for the future rest solely in God's hands. I am at a place of shattered dreams and death to vision, and this allows me to wait expectantly for what is to come - the better things. Too much of my life has been spent in striving with God. I never intended on being disobedient or focused on what I wanted, but I fell into the snares of the enemy, because of my loneliness and desires to be wanted and loved. My desires to be "worth something" in someone's eyes. This is the way life becomes, because we are infinitely human, so we look elsewhere, anywhere, except into the eyes of our loving Father. So, as I am learning to clearly see, I am content to wait, because I know the answers will come.

The company for which I work sets performance goals for us to achieve each year as part of our annual evaluation. One of the goals includes additional opportunties, so we were given a list of webinars we could listen to for credit towards the fulfillment of this goal. Seems easy enough, but in attempting to assess the training we encountered many problems. So I took it upon myself to figure out the problem, and through a series of trials and mistrials, working with the developer of this program and IT,  I finally managed to attend and receive credit for several of these training sessions. Some of the courses were presented by a group of researchers with the aim of creating equality in the workplace by setting goals and ways to measure progress. One in particular I found very interesting and potentially very useful for leaders, as these webinars were designed for leaders and managers.

The training was geared towards helping managers train their employees not only in the job they were in at the present but to look beyond at the qualities they displayed for future opportunities. Typically when a worker is hired for a particular position he or she is provided with the training to accomplish the work. They are then mentored, hopefully, by those who are already trained and successfully completing their roles with the intention of helping the new trainee became acclimated to the requirements and in turn to be released into the role on their own. Naturally, people learn differently, using the senses of sight, hearing, and touch, and the skills to each are gifted, so people learn at different paces, and some not as quickly as others. This is where patience comes into play. A good leader will not only be able to sense and anticipate these challenges but will work earnestly in resolving any hindrances in the learning process in order for the employee to become successful in achieving the requirements of the position. Often there are those who simply do not "fit" for the position, but a good leader can anticipate this early on, and quite possibly be able to creatively suggest another avenue. Think about it, if after going through an often arduous process of interviews by several examiners and inquisitors in order to be offered the position in the first place, and after spending a great deal of time and money to training this employee initially before they even encounter the first day of the actual job for which they were hired, why would a company want to lose someone who possibly may be better suited to another role within the company? Makes sense...dollar and cents sense as well as the human component of engaging a talented person in using their unique skills set in serving the needs of the company. But this requires insight.

So basically the concept, which is really common sense, because I've done this in my role as an underling, is to see beyond the scope of the present job to the future goals or ambitions of each employee. In the interview process the potential employees are asked where they see themselves in five years or more, and the question generally relates to within the hiring company. Again, if one responds to that question in honesty, as someone I know, eventually an astute inquisitor will take notice of the integrity of the response, and quite possibly doors will open to that employee unexpectedly. After all interviews are talent searches for engaging and empowering future leaders. It's a game, and as you know, I am fond of games.

On the flip side, when the employee has been hired, trained, but lacks the skills to succeed at the present job, a good manager will work to discover and resolve any difficulties that one is having in meeting goals. But more than that needs to take place in leadership in each employee, and that requires ingenuity and the ability to see beyond the scope of the present position to the unique gifts observed by said leader while communicating with and observing this individual, taking the time to ask and communicate ideas regarding what you feel about the abilities of this person, then taking the step beyond the present role as manager to engage the person into setting steps towards the future goal or dream for the future. Even if the goals involve engagement outside of the company, and the future dream employment elsewhere. These are the qualities of a good leader. Someone who walks beside, who encourages, interacts, and who engages.

As I was reading and praying I thought about this training and how these same qualities of leadership are the qualities of Jesus. The crowds followed Him just to hear Him speak, feel His love and kindness, his compassion for their needs. He saw the battered souls, the deepest darkest needs, and He healed them physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, every need met. As a teacher to his disciples He was patient, and He demonstrated in His actions the humility a leader needs if he is to serve others. In His humility Jesus washed the disciple's feet, and in His example, His ultimate sacrifice in service, he laid down His life for the needs of another.  To save our souls, He gave His own life as an atonement for ours.

And so it should be for each of us regardless of the role we play in life - father, mother, child, teacher, student, employer, employee, local, State, or world government...President of the United States. With the latter, I really have to look beyond the initial impression I receive when considering those who vie for this highest position of government, the one who will appoint Supreme Court Justices to settle our disputes as a nation. And to do so I need to look within myself, to my character and consider unique qualities of a true leader, a servant of the people, a defender of the cause of righteousness on which our nation was established. And I need above all to humble myself, ask God to forgive my sins of omission for not considering His qualities as those of a true leader of the people, and humbly ask Him to direct my heart in seeing deeply into the heart of the person when I vote for President and other positions of leadership in our nation and locally. We are all leaders in one way, shape, or form, and it is time to take our positions seriously. As children desire boundaries, someone to teach them the right ways, so we need Godly men and women to shape the future of the nation and our world.

When I began to write this blog I had no intentions of writing this final part, but I feel God wanted it this way. As for myself I choose to look beyond the fiery words spoken defensively or otherwise into the heart of the man or a  running for an office, and ask God to show me the true servant qualities of the person who would fill the role of servant of the people, then vote according to what my heart, not my head tells me. We all say and do things, and words spoken cannot be retracted, but in His love, in His mercy, and by His grace God has forgiven each of us regardless of the sin in word or deed. I want to always be cognizant of that fact that I am a sinner saved by grace and not judge another. I want to follow the leadership example of Jesus Christ in obedience to my Father in all things.


Sunday, October 9, 2016

Becoming All His


"Dear Children, keep away from anything
that might take God's place in your heart."
1 John 5:21


"Those who find their sense of security in Christ
are not easily shaken by circumstances
or other people's opinion of them."


I love my Bible! Each year I re-read my Bible, and each year the Lord opens up new bits of wisdom and understanding. That's the way it should be. For the past two years I have been using The Daily Walk Bible for my daily devotional time. I cannot face a day without grabbing hold to a word from the Lord. Sometimes it seems like He's sleeping in, as I don't always feel His presence with me. I don't blame Him as 5 am is a pretty early start of the day, especially with New Mexico winter approaching. But then, God never sleeps! And although I may not feel His presence, I know He is right here with me. He never leaves me, even when I am sleeping.

In the book of Mark Jesus has such compassion on the crowds of people who are following hot in pursuit desiring to see more miracles and to listen to Him speak. All they want is to spend more time with Him. Imagine what that must be like! To walk with Him, talk with Him, see His beautiful face, His lovely smile, sincere eyes, and experience His love firsthand. In the discussion this morning the writer mentions that whereas Jesus healed two blind men on two separate occasions, He used different methods to heal. In questioning why this may be he responds so: "Most likely it was because Jesus' methods were often tailor-made to the individual's needs." Good answer! He has made us each intricately woven together from the beginning of our time, from our inception, and even so before that!

The writer wants us to understand that as this is Jesus' way with healing so it is with spiritual lessons as well. With each miracle Jesus performed even His own disciples failed to understand what they were experiencing first hand. Jesus told them that He used parables for this reason, but Jesus always explained. Still the disciples did not see. We still do not see.

This morning I took a chance, a huge risk of making a member of my family angry by mentioning my faith in God. I was told there no solutions to a certain problems, but I know better. How anyone cannot look at their lives and see the miracle of life all around us. I see miracles in my life every day, and I am trying to testify as often as I can as to how great our God truly is! Sometimes it takes the blind to see and the deaf to hear and the lame to walk. I am not talking in the physical sense. I have been all those things in my life physically, emotionally, spiritually, as have we all. I am just not afraid to admit that I have sinned and fallen VERY short of the glory of God. No one arrives. We are all in the process of becoming.... 

I began my walk with Jesus as a child reading from the King James Version of the Bible. I still love those words, as it is the version I memorized and still hold in my heart. All the "thees" and "thous" never confused me, because Jesus was right there translating the words to the heart of a child. I still have the heart of a child, and I hope I always do. I have put off childish things as we are instructed to do in order to go from the milk of the word to the bread, but there is so much still to learn. Just as in life we learn something new every day, although we are so busy we seldom identify it. I am so tired of being pulled down by the weight of the world that I fail to see the blessings. That is the way the world has become, and those who profess to follow Christ in this age fail to see that we are succumbing to the pressures. The only solution to our problems is Jesus. 

I told a co-worker just yesterday that it is a wonderful feeling to be full retirement age, knowing that if I choose I can simply leave my job. It is a new-found freedom I feel, and it is as if the stress of the work doesn't have an effect on me any longer. Nor do attempts made by others to ensnare me or manipulate me have a stronghold on my life. I am becoming...His. All His. And the idols of the world are not a temptation to me. I look around me, and I see memories filling each room. Nothing of great earthly value, but people who visit me feel comfortable, peaceful, and entertained when they walk through the doors. My Christmas tree of memories gets many inquiries, as do the many stuffed friends who greet my guests and who have to be cautiously moved aside to allow one to be seated. My Bible studies always begin with laughter over some inane thing or another. But I don't mind, because it who I am...uniquely His and very much still a child at heart despite my 66 years of age. I can still climb a tree or hang upside down from "monkey bars" with the best of them. I am ageless and dauntless in my life and in my walk with Jesus. Truth is He still carries me at times, but we also walk hand in hand together by the troubled seas and along the thorny paths. My journey is just beginning.

Journal Entry 10.2.16 - 10.9.16



"Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea!
Answer me because You are faithful and righteous.
I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember
the days of old. I ponder all Your great works. I think
about what You have done. I reach out for You. I thirst for 
You as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, 
for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let 
me hear of Your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting You. 
Show me where to walk, for I have come to You in prayer....Teach me to 
do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead
me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of Your
name. O Lord, save me. In Your righteousness, 
bring me out of this distress."

Psalm 143:1-12 NLT


This evening as I sank to my knees in prayer, overwhelmed by the thoughts pressing on my brain causing me to hurl once more into the depths of regret and shame, I glanced looked down at an email a friend sent me on March 15, 2011 of a list of scriptures she was praying for me. The above prayer from Psalm 143 was included in that email. As I cried out to the Lord my eyes fell upon this portion of scripture, and I wept aloud as I read it as my prayer.

I'm not certain how this downward spiral began, or what triggered the memories once more , but it began yesterday afternoon after church. The service was wonderful, the lesson well expressed, yet I went away feeling inadequate and insignificant. My life has been broken on so many levels, and there are times when I cannot salvage even one small spark of enthusiasm for the life I am living. I cannot explain it, because it is impossible for anyone to understand something I don't even understand myself. Maybe this is why the only one with whom I truly feel at ease in discussing my feelings is Jesus. He knows all about my feelings, as He's encountered every obstacle, been through every fire and flood, and He's been betrayed, discouraged, and alone. All the things I am feeling. It's not the first time, and I know I will have to face more demons as I follow His leading. Sometimes the loss is too much to bear, but then Jesus knows those feelings as well. There is a cost to discipleship.

As the year quickly progresses and the end of 2016 is a few short months away, my plans seems so unreasonable, and I wonder whose voice I heard when I made this decision. Doubts flood in once more, and confusion sets in. Why is it so hard to just let go and trust?! Why do I allow myself to get to this place of uncertainty. The voices are deafening, and peace is so hard to find.

I was reading an article from (in courage) a blog I follow called "How We Can Beat the Lies," that describes feelings of not being "smart enough," feelings of not being "good enough," or feelings of inadequacy. These are lies we listen to that tempt to distract us from the work God is actually accomplishing in and through us. Of course satan wants to discourage us any way he can, and his attacks are on the verge of a miracle happening in your life or the life of someone for whom you are standing in prayer. We are warriors, stalwart in our faith, and he doesn't like that. We get in his way, so he fights back with a vengeance. That's just the way he is. But guess what! God is greater, and He has all things concerning us under control. No need to fear. That's the way HE is.

So whose voice will I follow? God's, naturally, because He's my true deliverer. But it's more than just making a statement about a situation. It's a life choice, a way of life, a way of meeting each obstacle, every decision that smacks us in the face at the times when we are the most vulnerable to criticism. For me it gets easier if I just stop, consider, and rest. But even then the peace and rest do not come easily. My life has always been a tug-of-war, but that's okay. I am assured of His Ever Presence in my life, especially when I do not sense it. I don't go by what I see or feel tangibly speaking, although that would be nice. Rather, I go by what I know about His character, especially when it concerns me. As I've said before, He is tested, tried, and true.

All of the above thoughts were written last Sunday. Monday brought a new set of adventures as I realized my brain still was not healed from injuries in March. It is so disconcerting to get lost in an area you lived in for ten years, a blink of a town that I pedaled numerous times on my bike. But just in a wink of time my memory blanked, and I didn't know which way to go as I was headed out of town. I find this happens when a memory is triggered, but who really knows until it happens to you.
Fortunately I am me again, so yesterday when I was maneuvering the side streets of Santa Fe, another city I know well, I was able to find my way without confusion. I feel like a fighter whose had one too many blows to the head. Today I am battling "the headache," but at this moment only pressure and the "noises" remain. Life has its spins.

Many things are filtering through my brain today, but thankfully I can focus on doing what I need to do. Sundays are dedicated to listening and reflecting as I crawl into the arms of my Lord. He doesn't require anything of me except trust. So on the eve of another work week I can rest knowing that whatever comes my way this week, He's already on top of it, and I don't need to strive. As I'm writing these words I hear a song playing fainting in the background:

King Of The World 

by Natalie Grant

I try to fit You in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep You safely in between the lines
I try to put You in the box that I've designed
I try to pull You down so we are eye to eye

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

Just a whisper of Your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead?
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When You're the one who made me from the dust

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

You set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to be
And You're holding on to me

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

You will always be the King of the world
But even if You don't I pray

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

Help me want the Healer
More than the healing
Help me want the Savior
More than the saving
Help me want the Giver
More than the giving
Oh help me want You, Jesus
More than anything

You know more than anyone that my flesh is weak
And You know I'd give anything for a remedy
And I'll ask You a thousand more times to set me free today
But even if You don't I pray

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

When I am desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done
When I am desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world


Thanks for the reminder!