Often I wonder why God allows things to happen as they do. We talk about many things, He and I. He's not aloof, and He is very interested in what people have to say. I wish everyone understood that. He uses terribly messed up, broken people to enter into the suffering of others in unique ways. I have a huge heart, and because of His love towards me, I am growing in His compassion and mercy for others. This opens many doors that have been closed to others. Perhaps it is because I accept people as they are. It's as if I can see into their souls as I gaze into their eyes, and I respond in kind, much like a child is able to see and respond openly. I'm glad for that quirk in my personality, although some consider it backward.
I moved back home a little over two years ago, because God said it was time. I'm a slow listener when it comes to change, but I've moved many, many times over the 35 years I lived in Northern New Mexico, so moving that far was not easy. Plus I left behind some treasured friends. Over all those years of serving as a case manager, I met tons of people and family members, and I sat by the bedsides of many in their last days. I still miss them terribly. I am grateful that God engineered my misguided life onto a path I was destined to travel. My life hasn't exactly been what I had hoped it to be, but God has a way of accomplishing His will regardless. To quote an old friend in reference to my life,
"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.” Charles Dickens, A Tale of Two Cities
Yep, that about sums it up. In truth God can take our mistakes and work them into something good, and He does use the foolish things to confound the wise. I am extremely grateful that He sticks closer than a friend or brother, and I remain humbled by His willingness to transform a broken and contrite heart into something useful.
The past few days have been hard. Friday I visited a close friend who had been slowly drifting away for the past few years, especially since my return. Once vibrant and enthusiastic for life, who had great plans for me and had encouraged me to move back to Virginia, she had slowly lost her spark. Friday when I visited her she was excited to see me. I took her a teddy bear I found in an arts and crafts store as an early Christmas gift. It seemed appropriate. Teddies always understand when people are hurting, and she readily accepted him into her heart. Monday when I visited again she was still clinging to him, but she had drifted further into her pain. She smiled several times, but she was suffering greatly. Today I was preparing to go again, but before I left the house I learned of her passing. Her pain had ended. It wasn't the way I prayed things would be, and besides sadness at her loss, I felt confused as to why it had to be this way. "I didn't come home to watch my friends drop like flies, Lord," especially her. So I'm struggling.
As I write these words I don't know if I am adequately expressing my heart. Generally I do so much better in sharing when I write, but I seems to be at a loss for words. Yesterday I had spent my time visiting my uncle who is now living in a nursing home. He is slowly drifting away. Whereas I have been trained to handle the needs of patients in all stages of health and illness, I feel somewhat helpless now in this new place, once home to me, now a distant memory. My uncle had a Spanish-speaking roommate, so I was anxious to see him also, as I know the language, and we have spoken on other visits. He seemed lonely when I visited before, as the nurses and other workers were unable to converse with him. When language is a barrier, I can imagine the loneliness, especially in a nursing home. But I was too late. He had apparently died the day before.
I am learning to listen when I hear Holy Spirit whispering. I felt it when I made my visits and when I chose the teddy bear. But there have been many missed opportunities, because I did not heed the still small voice or I had other plans. I was later reminded, as I have so many over the past few years, "To whom much is given, much is required." God is calling me deeper in our walk together. I have to pay attention, and I have to respond in obedience. There's no time to waste, and many are in despair.
Since 9/11 there has been a sure call for the world to wake up. Covid sent another calling card, and now the war between Israel and Hamas an even louder clarion call. Time is growing short. Many will not be ready when the trumpet sounds. The church has been silent over these years, and yet today remains so. What will it take to open eyes and hearts to the needs of others! What will it take for the church to be the body of Christ that is needed! What will it take to put aside our agendas for other more important needs! What will it take for us to see that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the life? What will it take for people to see He is the answer to the suffering and pain? I don't understand, and my heart is broken, but I will persevere and do all I can to listen and obey. I have chosen His life, and some how I need to share it better. I have accepted His call. Although my journey has been torturous with many twists and turns, I know His plan is higher, and I'll follow. My home is desperately in need of repair and aesthetic transformation as the wall paper droops and the cracks in the plaster widen, but there are more important things. People. So many in desperate need of support, necessities, and I can't turn a blind eye. My friend's death is tragic, and her decline has been a continuance of what I have already experienced. My own family decline tugs at my heart, and many times I feel helpless, but I will not give up or give in. We have to work while there is still day, while there is still light. We have to be the light.
I've said all I can say. My heart is still heavy, but I have tried. I hope it reached someone in need of encouragement. The message is "You matter." Continue on.
