His Great Love

Recently while attending a meeting an unannounced in-service training was held, following with a quiz to test our comprehension of the topic.  Suddenly the relaxed atmosphere changed into panic for me, as I have been experiencing what I label as "test fright" for the past few years every time there are training.  There is no rational reason for this fear, as I can honestly say my company does everything to help me and my co-workers succeed; there is no failure unless I choose it.  Only I cannot make my brain understand that simple truth.  It's like another me takes over, and I make mistakes by misreading the question, and if perchance I have to retake a quiz the fear becomes worse. I spend the greater part of the time physically shaking, unable to focus, and this shaken feeling continues throughout the remainder of the day, even to the night making it impossible to sleep.  One person calls this response the fear of failure.  Perhaps because I am older I fear ridicule by others.  Thinking back in my life  for the root of this terrible malady. I recall incidents which may  have led to these feelings, but if I have truly forgiven my offenders, why do the feelings persist?  Why do I continue to struggle?  How can I overcome?

Satan, the true enemy of our souls wants us to remain defeated, so he finds ways to torment, belittle, demean us, to keep our focus on past failures, regrets, hurts, so we cannot possibly focus on the task at hand.  God does not remember the sins of the past when He looks at us.  He only sees His Son, Jesus.  Our past regrets, failures, outright sins are thrown into His sea of forgetfulness.  But the father of lies continues to ply his trade of deceit, guilt, shame, regret, betrayal, hurt, fear, and we become paralyzed by this fear, never moving to the next step or reaching success.

I, for one, am so tired of feeling this way, of seeing my family continuously in a state of despair for wrong choices or worse still physically ill due to circumstances in which they had no control. Of being held in unseen chains of fear, crippling, limiting us, making us feel unworthy, and even incapable of achieving anything greater, bound by never being good enough.  As I stand in the gap for my family's salvation, reconciliation, deliverance, healing I purpose anew to focus on what God thinks and how He loves us and wants us to live in victory, never defeat.  "For God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but through Him might be saved. He gave not His Only Son unto the world to condemn the world, but that the world, through Him, might be saved.  While we were yet sinners Christ died for us."

I am humbled daily by acts of kindness towards me.  God knows what I need, but I don't want to rely on human regard, only on what I know of His love and acceptance of me.  I have been so awed by His continual grace and mercy towards me in my life, my family's life, my job, my church. Oh how He loves me, how He loves all.

Father, please help us get past the fears in our lives and truly rest on Christ alone. I want to remain a humble servant in Your eyes, Lord, and I do not want to be seen for myself, but for You in me, because without You, I am nothing.  I am nothing without Christ living in me.  "I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live; yet, not I, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me."

As I consider this great, limitless, all encompassing and unsurpassing love, how can I continue to allow the enemy to bring defeat?  I purpose this day to go forth in victory and strength in knowing how You see me, how You love me, understanding that You not only have a plan and purpose for my life, but a plan, purpose, a high calling for each of us who accepts and lives by the power of Your great love.  Thank You, Lord, for Your great love.

Written 3/30/13

And So It Goes

The past few weeks have been interesting to say the least.  Certain events that transgress,  plots unravel, and there's a new crisis yet to demand attention.  Exhausting.  There comes a time in a person's life where enough really is enough!  And so it goes.

I have been slowly approaching this catharsis in my life, as stress has been threatening to destroy my well being, my very existence.  I have been unable to sleep, rest, complete my daily work, think even at times.  All that I know or knew to be consistent has suddenly become inconsistent and givens, shaky.  The ground has been shifting beneath me, and I have been struggling not to be sucked into  this point of no return.

I've been on this quest to "find myself" yet all I have "found" or discovered actually is that I already know myself, I've never been lost, but I just need to regroup, recommit, and get back on track without listening to the unsolicited advice of those who have been trying, howbeit unsuccessfully, to suck me down into the same pit they find themselves.  So enough of that negativity, as I pull myself up by the bootstraps again and focus on the real that is right before my eyes.  How's that for reality!!

Suffice it to say I have not arrived, probably never will, as to "arrive" one must become perfect, and perfectionism is  unattainable if we are "real".  So I'll just settle for what I have called before "becoming".  Which is simply a way of saying that I am simply who I am, for the better, I hope, myself.  Or what my son says "what you see is pretty much what you get."  I think that was a compliment for being an "authentic" person with all my quirks.

In reading back over these three paragraphs I find that they don't make a whole heap of sense, except to me, so I will try to muddle through what's been going on in my life.  To say my plate has been "full" is an understatement.  I think my plate has been over full for quite some time, and my trying to eat away at the excess has been causing an overload in my system to where I am at the point of hurling it out in order to find relief.  I have to decompress or cease to exist.

I have decided that in order to remain at rest I must avoid those things or people who bring unrest to my life.  I need to avoid negativity, surrounding myself with positive, life-giving people, avoiding those who suck the life out of me.  All my life I have given to the point of there not being anything left to give.  I am a void on the brink of oblivion.  I need to be recharged, and I am clueless of how to to it, other than avoid what causes me stress.  Even if that means I ignore the telephone when it rings, avoid people who drain or who cannot see a thing to be thankful for in their lives.  They see what isn't while not seeing the blatantly obvious or what is.  The half empty glass kind of people.  I prefer the half full kind.

So on it goes.  Life goes on, and I am going to live it to the full, even if I have to regroup and recharge on occasion.  Miles to go before I sleep, as the saying goes.  Life is full of daily lessons and oodles of blessings.  We just need to keep our eyes open to them!  Live life!  I am.