It's a quiet Sunday morning. I didn't go to church in the conventional way. Many times I just need to crawl up into God's lap and be held. But, I do attend an online church that has become my church, as it speaks to the inner longing within my soul. The attendees are all broken people saved by grace by faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Everyone is welcomed and accepted in an "as is" way, because let's face it, if we're honest, we'll admit we have all messed up. There's only one perfect one, and His Name is Jesus.
For awhile now, a very long while, I've been struggling with some decisions, asking God to show me something. Any time in the past when I've cried out for a new word, God has told me that nothing had changed. Well, yesterday, and again this morning, I heard the same something. Only thing is that today God made it abundantly clear that my life has been on the right path. He also settled some thoughts I'd had about suicide and other ideas that are not accepted by many Christian circles. People are so quick to judge a human heart, a suffering heart without looking deep into the soul of that one. Jesus looks behind the surface. The word even says that Jesus looks at our hearts.
Ya know, I'm so done with judgment on any level, for any reason. When I look at another person, no matter what they have done or are doing, or their unkempt appearance, or their unsocial behavior, or what sign they are holding at a stop light, I want to see that person as Jesus does. I have been privileged to work with diverse people groups, in all walks of life, all ages, and I can truly say, I have learned from each of them and have grown to love each one. I think my hardest case history has been my own, and for the first time in my life I am beginning to understand that God loves me. "ME!" The other thing I am learning to do is to forgive myself. It is so much easier to forgive others, but myself with all my disappointments, not so easy. Brennan Manning and Rich Mullins have been good friends to me, and they struggled with similar feelings about themselves. Just sad I didn't meet them this side of heaven.
People are always looking for answers. Reading this devotional and that Bible translation, listening to this message and church shopping, which can be good. But there is nothing that matters as much as crawling up into God's lap and talking to Him up close and personal. This includes honesty about our emotional and spiritual conditions, surrender, and acceptance. It is a time of worship, and praise will ultimately follow. But it's a process, not an overnight success! Some don't feel that it's necessary, but if you truly want the life that is hidden in Christ, the life that God has for you, then, trust me, it is so necessary. David had it right in the Psalm when he said that one day in His Presence was worth a thousand others.
I'm on my path, and as long as I continue trusting Him, the journey will lead me to where I need to go. I can't see all the rocks along the way or the challenges that lurk around the corners, but I can trust that no matter what comes, He will be right beside me. Another thing I am learning is that people will disappoint us, but true friends are worth everything.
After not just listening to, but hearing, the message that Chad brought to Flatirons Church this morning (posted on Facebook), I realize that I have already had many Cliffs in my life. It has been hard at times to get to the real person, but I pray that I loved them well. But I want more, because the job's not done. God has so much for each of us to do. Jesus still walks among us into the leper colonies. I want to walk with Him.
