Being Me

I feel incredibly lost at times as I struggle to find closure in my life. It's a Saturday morning, my alarm is set for 8 am wake up, the last day of my adventure in Albuquerque. But, in spite of my highest hopes, this morning is like any other over a period of a year and a half. Explaining to my inquisitors why I cannot sleep, or how I try to sleep, has become as routine as explaining other things in my life I had buried deeply to preserve my sanity. Now unearthed in my memory, I struggle to find peace as I reconcile the chaos of my life and struggle to bring memories to rest. How can I explain what is happening to me? What has been happening to me? What did happen to me? All I can say is it could have been worse, and I am improving. I didn't give up, and I won't give in. No matter what the verdict, no matter what the cost in pain and tears. I have chosen to go on.

This is where I post the image of the painting  "The Scream" by Edvard Munch to express my horror at not being able to rest or find peace after my final, I sincerely pray, inquisition:

This image does not adequately portray present pain or lack of dignity or any of the zillion emotions agonizingly vying for my sanity. I feel so alone at this moment, as I sit in my bed at La Quinta Inn, exhausted from headsets and movies, resulting in little sleep. This is my life, such as it is, but it could be worse. It has been worse, much worse about nine or ten years ago when I still could not sleep. Different life. Different time. Different circumstances.

In spite of what I am saying in this dismal piece of literature, I still say without reserve that I have lived an amazing life. How could I not? I have always had Jesus with me. He's always been my one true constant. He still is, and He's the reason I can still laugh at myself and this silly mess I find myself struggling to overcome. Sure, sure...yeah, yeah! That's the response to the comment I am making inside my brain, the one I don't want to write, because certain people will find offense. You see, I don't want to "hurt" anyone's feelings, but obviously no one thinks I have any. But I hurt too, and I bleed.

Why am I writing this? Because I'm tired, and I'm trying to encourage myself to just get up, take my shower, walk the distance to the office with my "kitchen" in tow (no microwave or refrigerator in my room), so I can fix my "special" breakfast, sit in an empty corner, where I can cozy up with my Source of comfort, my Strength and Guide, my one true Friend, my Laughter, my Light, my Life. There are many things I have not experienced in my long life, but I believe I have what most do not. I was reminded once again of the road I am asked to travel, and although lonely, painful at times, and often disconcerting, it is the life I choose to walk with the One I choose to walk it with. He'll see me through, as He always has in the past, and together we'll find good in the events of my life, past and present, and give hope to others journeying the irrevocable paths of life.

Focus

It's been awhile. I imagine those who follow my journeys through life have been wondering what happened to me. I really don't make time for social media, as my job keeps me busy "on the keys" and in the field. It's a crazy ride, but I love what I do...or at least, what I give my best efforts in doing. My life gets a bit out of balance at times, as the past year and a half has produced a period of waiting that makes me battle human emotions of frustration, despair, anxiety, anger, and depression. Quite frankly, I have not been myself in a long time. My faith remains strong, and I trust my Father completely. As long as my focus is on Him and I stay in His Presence, I am calm and confident even on days when confusion abounds! That would be most days.

As you know, my favorite part of the day is early mornings when I can sit alone with Jesus and listen to Him as He directs my thoughts and my day. This is how I maintain peace in the midst of turmoil, because my life has been seemingly spinning out of control. Another thing you know about me is that I believe in the power of the Word, so I have made it a life practice to memorize scripture for such times as these when I need the reassurance that I am never alone, and Someone is in control of ALL that concerns me.

Sometimes it takes time for a message to finally bring itself home to me. Psalm 127:2 says "It is useless for you to work so hard...for God gives rest to his loved ones." Sound advice for one who works long hours into the nights, as I do, just to keep up with the work. Even when I know that this type of work is never finished. So turning off the computer quickly when my scheduled hours are up has become a goal I set for myself. So far, I have only slaved on days before my days off - Tuesday and Friday. But, yesterday I made a huge breakthrough! Although I wasn't able to shut down promptly at quitting time as I was mid-sentence in a report, I did turn off the computer in record time for a Tuesday night. Now let's see if I can repeat this new direction Friday night. I must say that I felt so energized by that small step of "shutting down" that I fixed supper while I watched the last episodes of Star Trek, exercised, took a long soak in bubble bath while reading my books, and shortly thereafter, I crawled into bed. And for the first time in a long time, I actually slept for five straight hours without waking up or having to restart my "white noise" that helps me sleep. I even got back into the bed and enjoyed the warmth of the quilts and comforter pulled tightly to my neck for another hour before I decided to get up and greet the day.What a beginning for a day off!

It's progress. It may seem like baby steps to some, I'm certain, but understand, I have been on energizer bunny duty for many moons. It's called survival mode, and it is difficult to change a life style overnight. I still have more hurdles to jump, as I attempt to get my life back, but each day I am encouraged in my quiet time and throughout the day by the knowledge that my Father walks with me, and He carries me when necessary. He also prods me on in joyful obedience. Plus, he has given me a friend, who carries the same last name as mine, who encourages me each morning as she and I exchange "Good Mornings" and what God has shown us for the day. On our respective days off we send text messages and prayers to each other. And we surround ourselves with positive people, thinking, and visual aids so our focus can rest on the One who holds us in the palm of His great big hand. Today, in one of my readings, I was asked to write down my joys. My friend is my joy, because we challenge each other daily. That's a huge blessing and answer to prayer. Who helps you get through your day? We all need each other. At least, I know I do!