Today

"I need to put up with two or three

caterpillars if I want to get to

know the butterflies."

-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Each morning I crawl safety into Your lap with my cup of coffee and oatmeal. Occasionally, we opt for pancakes smothered in pure maple syrup with apple-smoked bacon or sausage, but the meal's not important. It's the company.

Last week was a tough one, and this one holds the promise of the same, albeit a shorter week because of Thanksgiving. I find myself getting "stuck" again, but at the same time I become lost in the wonder of Your Presence, and I have a "knowing" that settles me back down and redirects my focus. Still, I'm feeling - alone, and yet I'm surrounded by a sea of people who say I "belong" or who congratulate me on my work, or who thank me for listening and caring...yet!

Holidays are the most difficult to navigate. Will my plans fall short, as usual, because of bad weather or changed attitude? November 30th is another trigger - a reminder of the biggest lie I've been told. Each year I wonder...but my feelings have grown cold, if I ever truly had any. When you're young and damaged what can you know of love? But then, You are love....

I know I need to lay these memories down, trust You to make it beautiful - but I'm struggling again. Will I ever get it right?! And still, when You speak to me, everything becomes okay, and I can cope. Or I can go outside, banter with the neighbor's dogs or see the colors, feel the chill, feel the winter freeze on the horizon as I gaze at the wondrous beauty of the land and mountains. Where heaven smiles down, and I feel warmth envelop me even in the harshest cold. That's You. 

Tomorrow, I'll forget. I'll begin again, unless the weather slows me down. I halfway pray for snow. But then, I have things to do. People depend on me to be at the top of my "game." It's what my life has become. Playing my part. My life changed playing the game, and no one seems to care or bother to see, because I perform well. Regardless of the little signs, everyone seem to miss, but I notice. Twice last week I noticed. And the devastation follows.

I know it'll be okay. I just need to talk about it this morning, before I start all over again tomorrow. Help me with the pain, the sorrow I feel but mostly I want to be functioning at peak performance for the ones who trust me. As they trust me, I trust You more.

So, for today, I'm lost in the wonder of caterpillars and butterflies. Larvae - cocoon - freedom in flight. In the Lord of the Rings the butterfly announces the arrival of the eagles. Once more I am reminded..."Who gets a degree in Biology?" A scientist who never forgets the intricacies of the simple or complex; the artist who lives within the biologist who sees the wonderful design of life as reveled in Psalm 139; the poet and philosopher, the author; the dreamer, and one who laughs and appreciates everything about the marvel of creation and design. No, I'll never lose the wonder.

In The Light between Oceans by M L Stedman,  of character Tom Sherbourne it is said: "There are still more days to travel in this life. And he knows that the man who makes the journey has been shaped by every day and every person along the way. Scars are just another kind of memory." 

As that story comes to an end, I consider Your message to me from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young for today, and I think of the butterfly and the scars of life,

"Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion. 

Live in the now, concentrating on staying in step with Me. 

When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help. 

When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My Presence. 

Enjoy the rhythm of  life lived close to Me.

You already know the ultimate destination of your journey.... So keep

your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me."

My life is as it needs to be...for now!