Even If...I Will Trust You

Holidays are very difficult times for me, especially since my daddy passed away last year just before Christmas.  It was a bitter sweet passing, as he had suffered so long, and he missed my mother so much.  Mama died on the very same day, three years prior to daddy's passing.  The day before my daddy died he asked my sister if she knew what day it was.  He knew.   I believe mama and daddy had a date, and she was waiting at heaven's gate to welcome him home.

As I think about my family tears come to my eyes, but also, a smile lights my face as I remember.  Childhood can be a wonderful memory if we choose to view it as a blessing even if it really was the opposite at times.  Terror to a child comes in many faces, yet also grace abides to protect in ways we cannot see at the time.

I was sharing with my younger son this morning that I have lived to see so many historical moments, both exciting and cruel.  I still get teary eyed and a bit angry as I recall certain injustices, mockeries, atrocities of war, and the mistreatment of others.  But what concerns me more is that even as advanced as our present culture has become, the injustices, mockeries, atrocities, and mistreatment continue.  Prejudice and hate fill the hearts of people in a diverse world where it should not be so.  Who can look at the face of a homeless man, woman, child and not have compassion?  Who can see a hungry animal and not feed it?  Who can see an old woman fallen on the sidewalk, or even worse in the street as she attempts to cross it, and not stop to rush to her assistance.  Compassion, honor, integrity.  Are these not present in our hearts today?

While reading my Daily Walk Bible this morning I began to think about my children and the things they have faced in their lives,  things that continue to challenge them daily.  I think about all the children of the world who face challenges, heartbreaks, misfortune, and I pray.  I pray for broken relationships to be healed, reconciliation with one another, but mostly I pray that God would break their hearts, as He has broken mine, for what breaks His heart.  This is a mighty prayer, and it is not to be taken lightly, as I promise you that He will show you things you wish you did not see or know.  But it also gives you strength to know that God cares about every aspect of your life, your being, every breath you take.  Try it.  I promise, you will never be the same again.

In December of last year, as I was working in my office at home, I heard God's voice clearly saying to me these words, "Trust Me." I stopped and listened, and finally I said, "I will trust You, Lord, even if...."  After that my world changed so dramatically.  I don't think that any part of it has not been tested including my work, my personal life, my family, my church, my friendships, my world in general.  And even though it has been a bumpy ride, I am still trusting God to make all things good again.  Some may feel this is naive of me, considering certain events, but I don't share that belief.  The older I grow, the more I am convinced that God is able to do ALL things, nothing is impossible with Him.  And even if things don't turn out as I had hoped they would, still I see blessings in what has transpired all around me.  It is a choice I have made to trust Him, even if.  I invite you to do the same.  It's worth it!

Voices and Attitude

For many years I have been listening to voices telling me why I can't do certain things.  Never the opposite.  Familiar voices of family, friends, even strangers.  Paralyzing fear follows.  So overpowering that I can't seem to rise against the downward spiral it releases.  The only thing that keeps me from completely being overcome by this great force is my rock solid belief that I can do whatever I set my heart and mind to do with God's help.  That belief comes from my faith in God, and His ability, not my own. 

Over the years the enemy of fear and "you can't do" have caused me to lose much ground in accomplishing my dreams. So much so that today I don't remember what my dreams were much less how to attain them.  I become encouraged only to be let down or shoved back, because rather than listen to the One who created me and birthed these ideas in my heart, I have chosen to listen to the voices that only rebuff, criticize.

Today I find myself discouraged, but I don't know why.  The wind is blowing, it is cold, I am tired. Tomorrow begins another week of doing the same thing.  Not that my work isn't challenging, because it is very much so.  It's just not what I want to be doing with my time right now.  But then, I am not sure where I would want to be or what I desire to be doing. My dreams have faded, and I am straining to see what purpose I may yet have in this world.

What is the answer? Where can I find the answers I seek?  Why can't I lift myself from this despair?

As I mull over this great dilemma the neighborhood dog chooses that moment to stop by to say hello.  The familiar "ah ooooo" comes out sharply, like a wolf baying at the moon.  She never barks, just howls.  I have to laugh, because she does it with such disregard, demanding my attention, but with such  joy at seeing me, acknowledging my presence even if all she hears is "please shut up!"  I admit I am not always as excited about seeing her as she is at seeing me.  But the laughter takes me away from the moment and sets my sight on the simple joys around me that brighten my day.  God does indeed work in mysterious ways, does He not?!

The moods have passed as I watch the antics of this kindly saint playing and romping before me.  The wind is still blowing, rain gently falling, and the earth and my spirit are renewed.  No more voices for today, only the reassurance that each day brings opportunity, and we all choose how we deal with it.  It's all about attitude and state of mind. I have decided to focus on the positive things I see, and the furry friend who loves me.

Written 3/22/13