Autumn is my favorite time of year! The crisp morning air, apples ripe on the trees, pinon pickers in every byway, fresh red chili ristras, and golden aspen trees gracing the mountain. I love autumn!
Regardless of what I experience in my day-to-day existence, no matter how much pain this old body feels in a day, I can still look out my window or walk out my door and drink in the beauty of God's glory! For me, nature makes me feel closer to Abba. As the season progresses and the holidays approach I find myself always grateful, yet I am so aware of the distance between myself and the people I love.
Each day I remember something funny my mama would say. Sometimes I think it is where I acquired my cynical edge, because she was too much of a lady to even remotely suggest outright cynicism. I recognize the traits in my children, never to the point of rudeness, just an edge and always in fun. I enjoy lifting spirits, seeing the positive side of things as opposed to dwelling on the not-so-good things. Still, I find myself sad at times on mornings like this one. I miss being who I am supposed to become. I miss "being." I miss Linda.
You'd think at age 65 I would already know who I am, yet I find my life changing in ways I never expected, never even allowed myself to consider. When I was alone in Pagosa Springs things seemed clearer, but returning back to the same life has hindered my vision again. Pain, after so many years of freedom, but it is getting more bearable as it becomes the norm again. I cannot complain. God has been so good to me. I am a miracle. I am unique. I am grateful.
One day we may find ourselves scurrying around, busily making preparations for a wedding, laughter in the air, and the next we are knocked off our feet from a blow we never saw coming. Decisions too remote to consider, much less make in a matter of days. The peacefulness of life is stolen by one simple change.
I know life gets busy, and I realize very well that sudden mid-stream reversals in plans can send fear and doubt into our hearts. But at the same time I know who holds my future, and I am not afraid. I become impatient at myself, because I feel so helpless to straighten my own path, yet He is here guiding me, taking me by the hand, and if I trust Him, my vision clears, my calm returns, and I am free once more to "be."
I watched a movie called Jumper where the hero is a young man who discovers he has the ability to jump through time in an instant. Imagine the possibility! Having a vast imagination myself I can visualize certain possibilities, so I really don't fear taking some risks. It's not age that's slowed me down, it's my focus on my own life story. I only want what God wants, and I know He wants me to follow my dreams, the ones He inspired, the ones He breathed into my soul.
Heart desires often get us into trouble, as I am well aware, but this ache, this longing deep within my soul calls out to me. I know I am missing something, perhaps someone. Time slips by, and I find myself in a quandary asking once more, "What do I do, Father?" The answer is always so simple, so gentle, never changing, and I trust. I don't know how the days will pan out from here, but I am making steps to clear my head. Pain or not my life will be exactly as it should be, and I am content again to wait and see, enjoying what I have right here, right now, always grateful.
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