Cleansing, Calling, Commitment

In Chapter 6, verse 1 of the book of Isaiah he boldly states: "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw also the Lord." Oswald Chambers makes note of the following: "Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the 'passing of the hero.' Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged."

He's absolutely correct! Over the past five years alone I have experienced overwhelming losses in every area of my life, and I have felt so alone at times without family by my side. My mother's death was hard, my daddy's worse, the loss of beloved friends, and even death, shame and failure by divorce after 25 years of marriage continues to hurt beyond belief. The past two years have been the most life-defining for me as I continue to struggle against the power of evil trying to destroy my credibility and steal my peace. There are times that I succumb to the noise that pierces through my head, and I cry out for resolution, and I once more regress into the prison of depression and fear.

I don't know why things happen as they do other than to say I believe God uses all things for His good in accomplishing His purpose in our lives. I have prayed over and over to become like Jesus Christ who is humble in all ways. Repeatedly Abba brings me back to Matthew 5 and the Sermon on the Mount. I have come to realize just how must He must love me in spite of what happens to me. Why else would He speak to me daily, often in triplicate repeating what He wants me to hear for the day. And all He says to me is to focus on Him, to trust Him, and I fail so miserably. One who has done such amazing things for me and through me for others.
 

My daughter and I were recounting the amazing deeds God has accomplished in my life over the years since my divorce. I had given up my dreams for my family, moved away from my home to come to New Mexico in obedience as a wife, and help my children acclimate to a new culture. But, little did I know that my life then, that was so different from the one I felt called by God to do, would be re-directed to what He had called me to do. Although I may not be a neurosurgeon on the mission fields I have walked through the damaged minds of countless precious people including my own and have an understanding and compassion few ever realize. I may not have made it....YET...to the mission field other than Belize one summer, but I travel daily and touch lives for Christ. New Mexico has become my home and my mission field just as all backyards should be throughout the world. I may not have amassed wealth or own a home, but I am wealthy beyond comprehension in the people I am privileged to know, serve, and bless. God always restores, so as my daughter so correctly put it, I am never without.

One of the greatest challenges I have had to face has been in trying to help my son buy his home in Virginia. After years of struggle, horrible tragedy - some of his own choosing, he is at peace, and his life has taken a new turn. He is healing in spirit, soul, and mind. I feel in time his body will heal also. He still has a long road to travel, but he is at peace in my parents' home. This home is very special to him, because he know that Jesus made a physical appearance twice. Once for my mother and once to me. This house has witnessed sad times, even cruelty, yet Jesus came Himself to give comfort on two occasions. He cares that much! My son aches to visibly see Jesus, and this may not happen this side of heaven, but He is very present in our lives daily if we only take the time to "see" and "listen" and "be".  In his book My Utmost for His Highest Oswald Chambers says "Character determines revelation. Before I can say 'I saw also the Lord,' there must be something corresponding to God in my character."

Over the past three weeks I have been struggling again, because as God chooses to speak to me in triplicate, satan seems to strike the same way...to the point of pushing my nose into the dirt from every direction. Being alone becomes so abjectly alone to me, and I cry out for an end, for resolution, for a new life. Although there are times of silence, I know my Abba is always with me. I may not tangibly see or feel His Presence, but I know. And when He speaks to me through varied media and methods my heart is stirred again, and He picks me up, and I dare to go on.

Max Lucado's wonderful read, No Wonder They Call Him the Savior, recounts the message of the song written by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel called "The Boxer" about a man who was ready to give up and go home until he sees before him a fighter. The lyrics go:

"In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade,

and he carries a reminder of every blow that laid him down

or cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame -  

'I am leaving, I am leaving!' but the fighter still remains."

This message came to me as I was crying out to God to speak to me...just speak to me and tell me what to do! In desperation I cried, and He answered. As I read on, in the next few paragraphs Max asks: "Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good. Do just a little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot. Can't resist temptation? Accept God's forgiveness and go one more round. Is your day framed with sorrow and disappointment? Are your tomorrows turning into nevers? Is hope a forgotten word?"

The tears fell in torrents at that time, and through blurred vision I read..."Remember, a finisher is not one with no wounds or weariness. Quite to the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody. Mother Teresa is credited with saying, 'God didn't call us to be successful, just faithful.' The fighter, like our Master, is pierced and full of pain. He, like Paul, may even be found and beaten. But he remains. The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure (Matthew 10:22)."

It's time like these when I realize how desperately I fail Abba Father when I fail to see Him in these overwhelming situations that batter my already tired brain, and I fail to trust Him which is all He has asked of me. But dwelling on failures only aids discouragement so I choose to focus on the incredible gift of "vision" and "clarity" He has once more gifted me, and I choose to not give up and quit. I will see this battle through. After all it is not "my" battle, but His.

So, for anyone who is reading today, struggling under a heavy load, don't be afraid to ask for help. A friend once told me I was too transparent in expressing my needs, but I believe this is necessary, especially for those who follow Christ. How else can we be credible testimonies of His glory in our lives? So, take a chance and share. There's no condemnation in Christ. We can encourage and uplift one another.

The MOST important thing for me and you to remember is this:

"In all the world there is none but thee, my God,

there is none but thee."

My Utmost for His Highest

Oswald Chambers