Meandering

There are days that I sit in judgment of myself and allow the enemy's lies to infiltrate my mind and bring back all the wrongs I've committed or the ones he dreamed up to make me believe I have done. It fails me as to why I allow this ritual to continue. Why allow tormenting spirits into my mind. How do they continually gain access to so-called holy ground. What am I doing wrong? Or perhaps I am doing something right.

I know I am not the only one who struggles with memories, but I do know I am more transparent than others, because I feel that someone may need hope I can bring them by sharing. Otherwise my writing is only for myself, but that's not an entirely bad thing either. I believe knowledge is to be shared. It's the stuff of life.

As I was reading this morning, in the margin of my Bible were written the words: "I am a photon - a wavelength of light-passing through the world." It was written near the passage of scripture in Ephesians 5:8 "Live as children of light...and find out what pleases God." I probably wrote it, but maybe I read it. Regardless, it's true, and I hope the light that passes through me is the Spirit of God's love and light. He's the only important One.

Waiting is hard. In the pages of Isaiah I find assurance that I am not alone in my struggles. I also find notations from 2016 when this battle began, but rather than believe God is making me wait, drawing out this agony and abuse, I choose to believe He is allowing me to wait in expectation of His glory being revealed in a mighty way for His purpose in fulfilling the plans He has for me.

Isaiah 31:4-5 paints a clear picture of the God of Heaven's Armies who rescues His beloved. I paraphrased it just for myself, as the Word of God is personal to each of us: "Just as a strong young lion stands growling over his prey is not shaken by the shouts of shepherds, so the Lord will come down and fight for me! He will hover over me and protect me as a mother bird protects her young. He will defend and save me. He will pass over me and rescue me!"

Chapter 32 begins: "Look, a righteous king is coming!" Then it speaks of his rule as, "shelter from the wind...a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a parched land. Then everyone who has eyes will be able to see the truth, and everyone who has ears will be able to hear it."

These are the promises for God's children. He is our defender and our peace. He who brings quietness and confidence when we trust Him. When our focus is on Him and not on horses, chariots, or influential men of this world. I hear people use this phrase about a person or situation, "He is my salvation." Even a job is considered as someone's salvation, because it gets them out of the house or pays a bill or otherwise meets a need. NO! There is only one Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, and God is the one who gives us the ability to meet our needs. Everything belongs to Him. Everything comes from Him. He is all that matters. Our focus should be on Him alone as the Author and Finisher of our faith.

I wrestle with this part as I do not want to misuse what God has gifted me. I have a compassionate heart, especially towards my children, because mothers want to "help," and we can so easily cross the boundary into enabling. My kids are survivors. They've had to be. Just as I have learned to be. But they are also generous to a fault. Just as I have been. So I don't always think I taught them well. We are told to be generous with what the Lord provides, and I have taken that literally all my life. When I give my daughter something I know full well it won't be there when I return, because she loves to bless other people. But it's more than that.

Today I read in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young "Ask my Spirit to live through you as you wend your way through this day. Hold my hand in joyful trust, for I never leave your side. The Light of My Presence is shining upon you. Brighten up the world by reflecting who I Am." The word "wend" caught my eye as I thought it was a typographical error, but as I considered the meaning I see it is appropriate to my life. To "wend" is to meander or follow a twisted, turning path to get to a certain place. I think this speaks of my life, as I certainly have not followed a path many would find enjoyable, but I am tenacious as my older son suggests. I am determined to take the road less traveled as I have mentioned in previous writings, because for me it is the only desirable journey. Has it been easy? No, certainly not! I would not have chosen it for myself, but that's the problem, I chose! In my youthful ignorance and inexperience I chose an alternate route. The important thing I have come to realize, however, is that God has been directing my life in spite of me! He never has taken His hand from me. And now, although it seems like my rescue will never come, He is in control.

I begin to dream, and a peace that surpasses all understanding comes, but soon...another tree falls to block the path, and I either stand "stuck" or I climb over the obstacle and continue on my way. I've been stuck way too many times, so finally getting to the place of pulling of my britches leg and climbing over is becoming easier. I still experience the chronic aches and pains of the experience, but I make it over to the other side and struggle on. But I am never alone. I think that's why the movie version of  The Shack speaks so loudly when God is telling Mack He never left Jesus' side when He was on the cross. The female character portraying God takes Mack by the hands as she is speaking these words, and he looks down and sees the scars of the nail wounds on God's wrists. He's with us through every challenge, every sadness, every struggle, bearing our pain. He already bore the pain, the agony, but He never suffered defeat. He won! He was victorious over the enemy and defeat! And He is the One who fights our battles. Jesus said, "It is finished!" So that settles it with me.