It is interesting to me that only yesterday morning satan whispered in my ear again, as he has done so often since my mother died on December 20, 2009, the words "You let your mother die." Immediately, as I have done so often in the past, I began to cry and tell God I was sorry, but then, I caught myself, and I said, "NO MORE!" That is all it took to silence the lying tongue of the enemy! I shared this victory in the Bible study at my home last night. After so many times of hearing this same lie I finally put it to rest...at least for the time being, as I fully realize that satan will ease his talons into our flesh as often as he can to inflict more torment. When I received my friend's email this morning it was as if the enemy said, "See! I got ya!" as I immediately began to descend into that abyss again at the sound of the words "palliative care."
Each of us struggles with grief or heartache in our own way. I was devastated to learn of Robin Williams' death, his suicide, because when I am down, and I need cheering up, I stick in one of his movies, and I laugh so hard, and I become lost in the humor, a much needed escape. I feel like I have lost another cherished friend, as I am certain all who loved this man are feeling. There will be many who want to judge him, because it appears he took his own life, knowing he battled depression probably all of his life. I am beginning to understand that personal battle more and more as I struggle with my own lifelong demons. On the outside I am Little Miss Sunshine, but on the inside, I have moments when I am almost despairing of my life. I can almost hear the criticism as I pen these words, "But you're a Christian!" and then the scripture rolls off their tongues. Well, I know what the scriptures say very well, as I have memorized it, lived it, breathed it, and written about the strength and power of it all my life. Each blog I pen is full of nothing but the testimony of God's mighty power in and through my life, but, friends, I still have days that I struggle. And if everyone would be honest they would admit to nothing different about their lives. At some time along the way depression comes along to try to break our spirits, but it does not have to have the last say.
We all struggle at times, some more than others. Does this mean that I do not trust God? No! Absolutely not, as He is indeed the anchor of my soul. Jesus is the air I breathe, and I choose Him over anything else, but even Jesus, in His humanity struggled and despaired. If you don't believe me, read the word! Open it to the Garden of Gethsemane where he struggled ALONE, before His Father while his closest friends slept. Then when He is taken by the soldiers, the very friends he shared his life with for three years ran off! The people who praised Him days before were shouting "Crucify Him!" The very ones He loved, healed, fed, comforted wanted Him put to death! And as He hung on the cross God, the Father, turned away from Him. Yet...after all of this, Jesus, who could have said "no way" am I dying for these ungrateful people, said, "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do!" So I ask you, should we do any less? He is our example, He is my focus in life.
We all suffer emotionally, in our own ways, but we are individuals, and there is no "pat" answer or no "pet scripture" as to how we overcome. Of course as followers of Christ we know that we overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony, but we go through a process of grief. I find comfort in reading, and I have dear friends who send me books they've read that are helping them, but I have found that I am unable to read a book until it is the right time for me. God has His timing, and it is not the same as ours. We are told "read this" or "do this" because it has helped the one offering it, but that doesn't mean it will do the same for another. We mean well, but please think and pray before speaking or trying to help God.
Not too long ago I was at a critical place in my life where I simply wanted to die. Does this mean I would have taken my own life? No, certainly not, because I know God has a plan, and although I am emotionally depleted, He knows what He is doing. I don't share with just anyone these deepest feelings, but I shared with someone I felt may understand, as she had been struggling herself. I shared my battle while her husband was present, and he said something to me about others having it worse. How inappropriate his well-intentioned words were at that moment. Understand this... there is a very fine line for a person who looks normal on the outside, but struggles on the inside, where one well-intentioned word may be the one that tips the scale and causes that one to lose hope momentarily, go off the deep end, and do the deed. Someone spouting scripture at me at the wrong time has the same effect. I know the word, probably better than the one who is hurling the words in my face as if to say "You know better! Suicide is a sin!". But who are we to judge? All I asked for was prayer. Perhaps all I needed was a listening heart or a hug to let me know I am loved and supported. Not judgment. Not condemnation. There is only one accuser of the brethren. So either you are God's or the other guy's voice. The only person we have to right to judge is ourselves. Please hear me. I say this in all the love I have within me, please open your hearts, not your mouths, and think first. We go through our personal Gethsemane where we come before our Father alone, as only He is the answer, our source of strength, and it is at these times all we need is your diligence to stand with us in prayer and love us unconditionally.
My prayer in having this Bible study is to share my heart with others who hurt, who feel as misfit in this world as I do. God says that this is my first "island" for those who need to know they are not alone. Here in my home, dedicated to God's service, they have a family who will help them feel worthy, supported and loved, and together we will work in God's power to find peace and the strength to live our lives, reaching out to others in kind to heal their broken hearts and lives.
At the beginning I asked "If you had one word to describe your life at this moment, what would you say?" My own response was "broken". And I said "If you had one word to describe your life thus far, what would you say?" My response, as you have heard before, "amazing". God has and is doing amazing things in and through my life, and regardless of the things I have endured or have yet to battle, I know one thing that keeps me going. It is this scripture..."for I know in Whom I have believed, and I am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed to Him against that day!" This is my anchor. "HE" is my Anchor. Come what may I will trust Him alone in the garden.
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