Days 264 - 270 Thinkin' Outside of the Box!

"All the absurd little meetings, decisions, and skirmishes
that go to make up our days. It all adds up to very little and yet
it all adds up to very much. Our days are full of nonsense, and yet
not, because it is precisely into the nonsense of our days that
God speaks to us words of great significance. "
Frederick Buechner

More and more it seems as if my days are becoming unbalanced as more and more meetings are being scheduled at whim all labeled "Mandatory" while the important work that needs to be done is pushed to the side. The resulting conclusion at the end of it all is the addition of one more spreadsheet and one more weekly meeting to discuss what the spreadsheet is determining about productivity in a certain area. Forgive me if I sound somewhat cynical, but how can there be productivity if we are not doing the work we need to do in order to produce, because we are forced to attend meetings all the time - conundrum, catch 22? Whatever...it does not work. Does that make sense?

Still, because I do not want to appear negative, I continue to play the game, and actually, I play the game cheerfully, shaking my head at the redundancy and the conundrums, finding a way to muddle through and come out on top. I have learned the secret of perseverance...it is called "thinking outside of the box." If I have a skill to offer to the working class it is this one.

Growing up with limited income my mama taught me to "make do" with what was available to me at the time. So this skill is one I have tried to instill in my own children, and all the people God has graciously put in my path on my long, surprising, adventurous life of encountering the unexpected.

As a child growing up we dream of the future life will hold, and we make plans. Sadly, dreams are dashed and reality turns a different page in our lives. Still, although my life has taken many twists and turns, it has offered me many opportunities to "make do" and to "think outside of the box."

I thank God for these gifts.

I have learned by accident along the way that teaching someone has to be creative and unique for each learner no matter the field of study. Over the years I have come to realize from a series of accidents and surgeries the challenges one can overcome given a strong will and determination to not succumb to the word "impossible." When I was in the sixth grade my teacher took me aside and asked me a question, "You're not as smart as your brother, are you?" This has stayed with me my entire life. For awhile I figured "why bother" if I'll never amount to anything. But when some dear friends died and rocked my world I came to understand that the only one I was hurting by "not trying" was myself. So I buckled down, and I graduated with honors. 

It wasn't until later in life did I come to realize why learning was more difficult for me, and that there are different ways to learn, plus not all teachers are created equal. The answer had little to do with my capability for learning, as I am very intelligent and quick to grasp, but my style of learning is more hands on than in listening and reading. Plus the fact that as a child I had a head injury which rattled my brains a bit. Add to that the autoimmune disorders I have learned had much to do with the headaches I suffered from early childhood up to adulthood and even into the present day. Many factors since childhood have factored into the equation such as additional injuries to my brain. Not that it really matters that much as I have learned to overcome by "making do" and by learning to see myself as who I am - a person capable of doing just about anything I want to do and do it well. I honestly feel that anyone can overcome given the right understanding and acceptance of who they are and who they are to become. God can do all things in and through us if we only believe and not doubt. I, for one, am stubborn enough to take Him at His word, regardless of what life tries to throw our ways, or to any degree of injury. Others believe the same, because others have overcome to a larger degree than I after sustaining severe injuries or illnesses. My life's work is in trying to make the skeptics understand the importance of never saying never.

As I am writing, my vision is failing, my head is hurting, and my body is wracked in pain. My "new eyes" aren't working so well this morning, so if there are spelling errors, please forgive me. I am having a difficult time focusing, but at least I can think past the blurry eyes and the throbbing head.

No impossibilities for me today! Time is precious.

 "God wants you to fly. He want you to fly free of

yesterday's guilt. He wants you to fly free of today's fears.

He wants you to fly free of tomorrow's grave. Sin, fear and

death. These are the prayers He will answer. That is the fruit

He will grant. This is what He longs to do; He longs to set you

free so you can fly...fly home."

And the Angels Were Silent

Max Lucado

Last night I was watching an older movie, and one of the songs in the soundtrack is one of my all time favorites, Ain't No Mountain High Enough.  

If you need me, call me
No matter where you are, no matter how far
Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry
On that you can depend and never worry

No wind, no rain
(No wind, no rain)
Nor winter's cold
Can stop me, babe, baby
(Oh, babe, baby) 

If you're my goal

Oh, no wind, no rain
(No wind, no rain)
Can stop me, babe
If you wanna go

I know, I know you must follow the sun
Wherever it leads
But remember
If you should fall short of your desires
Remember life holds for you one guarantee
You'll always have me

And if you should miss my love
One of these old days
If you should ever miss the arms
That used to hold you so close, or the lips
That used to touch you so tenderly
Just remember what I told you
The day I set you free

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wild enough
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
(Say it again)
Ain't no river wild enough
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Nothing can keep me
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
(One more time)
Ain't no river wild enough
(Say it again)
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Nothing can keep me
To keep me from getting to you babe

Hearing that song brought back many memories of that part of my life. Messy, at best. I am a hopeless romantic, not in the sense of relationship, but in living the life I was meant to live. But then I see "romance" in ways other people find senseless. I see differently than most do, so opinions don't really bother me. It used to, but no more. I am learning to be myself in all situations, and that's not a bad thing. It is liberating to be happy in your own skin, especially since God created me to be me! Just as He created you to be you! We are each unique, with our own gifts and callings, and we make up a world of people who offer themselves into the mix. I think God is rather creative, don't you?

He thought outside the box! Imagine the possibilities!

 

 

 

Day 263 Me Time

 

"Some nomads are at home everywhere.

Others are at home nowhere, and

I was one of those."

Robyn Davidson

Tracks

An adventurous life is something I dream about having. My older son once said he was full of wanderlust, and I think he must have gotten that characteristic from me. It's not a bad trait, if you don't shirk responsibility and throw caution to the wind. But it is somewhat solitary, so you have to be the type of person who can easily adapt to all circumstances. I've been adapting to change most of my life, so perhaps this is the life for me.

This afternoon I watched the movie Tracks the story of Robyn Davidson who made a trek across the desert of Australia to the Indian Ocean which crosses 1700 miles. It is a tale of an impossibility, especially for a woman alone, but she did it, because "impossible" is not a word in her vocabulary. Granted she made the journey when she was younger, but I still feel that there are dreams at any age we must pursue. Impossible isn't in my vocabulary either, so I defy anyone who tries to dampen my spirit, the person I was born to be and the life I was created to live.

Doings things alone has always been my experience, because no one can walk or live out your destiny. It is a very personal call, and there should not be limits as we walk out into the great  unknown clothed in faith, hope, and determination living out our destiny.  I am at a place in my life where I feel that I am on the verge, the edge, of stepping out and taking that leap of faith to my next adventure.

Where my path will lead, what it will entail, and who it may involve are still questions, the answers I am exploring. Robyn's right when she said that we need very little in the way of "things" in our life. I know I've been feeling the need to minimize "stuff," which is the reason I never bought another home. I want to be free to just go and "be" living a life of freedom. So, where the road will take me is still being considered. Some days...most days I just feel like leaving it all behind, jumping into my car with my bicycle strapped on the back, and head on down the road. Who knows...maybe one day I'll just do it, even if I have to do it afraid!

 

Day 256 - Day 262 God's Way

 

"Could you do it all over again, you'd do it differently.

You'd be a different person. You'd be more patient. You'd

control your tongue. You'd finish what you started. You'd turn

the other cheek instead of slapping his. You'd get married first.

You wouldn't marry at all. You'd be honest. You'd resist the 

temptation. You'd run with a different crowd. But you can't."

Max Lucado - Six Hours One Friday

Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to find out and do 

whatever the Lord wants you to.

Ephesians 5:17 TLB

Saturday mornings are my special times to sit and listen to the voice of my Abba Father. I talk His ear off daily, but these times are special, because I can just relax and "be," and "being" is where I want to be the most these days. My time in Pagosa Springs reminded me that I must have all the time I can alone with Him, reading, praying, and above all, listening. My resolve to follow His leading only has not waned, and I know what I heard Him say to me. I will never doubt what I heard in the silence, and now I wait for the next instruction, the next word.

 

 

If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, 

and He will gladly tell you, for He is always ready to

give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask Him; 

He will not resent it. But when you ask Him, be sure

 that you really expect Him to tell you, for a doubtful

 mind will be as unsettled as a wave of the sea 

that is driven and tossed by the wind.

James 1:5-6  TLB

I have undertaken a great project to help with a Wednesday night program for kids, all ages, including adults who want to come as little children. We are all little children when our minds are open to learn new things, particularly the things God wants us to focus upon. We are learning how to pray, using the Bible, the sword of the Spirit and light to our path, as our source of all wisdom. If we but trust Him at His word, life would be less complicated, and less of our own doing. 

As Max Lucado points out we cannot go back and do things differently, so we need to focus on where we are now, choosing wisely, asking, not doubting or becoming impatient. Focusing not on what we cannot do, but focusing rather on what we can do. I think that is the key, because if we do it another way, we get "stuck" on feelings, emotions, and we deviate from the path. God is concerned about our dreams, as He so wants to give us the desires of our hearts when those desires are sound, based on His word. We should be thanking Him for not giving us everything we think we want, as we all would be in a world of hurt, and more worse for the wear. His way is the better way, the only way.

If I know anything about the Lord it is that He is not a God of confusion, so striving and trying to do things our way, in our time, will not work for the child of God. If we dedicate our lives in service to Him doing the best we can as wholeheartedly and honestly as we can, even if we fail or fall flat on our faces or backsides, he will be there to pick us up, dust us off, and put us back on the path. This is a given in a world of uncertainty. We simply need to believe that He rewards those who diligently seek Him.

I don't believe in striving with God, as it only makes me disquieted and preoccupied with things out of my control. Truth be said I don't have any control over most things, but I can make wise decisions. I have made it a daily practice to ask God to search my thoughts and my heart and to point out anything that offends Him, then make my path straight again. I was talking to my friends about the new movie War Room, and I shared with them about finding a secret place to be alone with God daily and pray. Of course the idea of the war room or prayer closet is not only to pray about needs, requests, but it is a place of high praise and worship, warring and standing in the gap for others, particularly our families, marriages, and ministries. God gives us the armor to do this, and it needs to be a daily practice.

My "war room" is my home office where I daily pray as I work for the needs of the people I serve, but my entire home is my prayer closet. I am alone, and I am always interceding for the needs that are many, as we all do as we sit, walk, stand, come and go.  My "war room" has bulletin boards with faces, names, requests, and I need to have another board for answers to prayer, victories being won. There's so much I need to do, especially if I am training others about the importance of making a stand in intercession. The enemy's goal is to divide and conquer, using guilt, doubt, and shame as his emissaries. He has many ways of blinding us from the truth and getting us sidetracked and out of the game, so he can win. Prayer and staying in the Word help make us become more savvy to his ways, and having daily discipline in setting that priority is the only way one can become victorious.

The closer we attempt to draw night to God, shutting out the worldly distractions and focusing on God's ways, seeking first the kingdom and His righteousness, or asking to break our hearts for what breaks His, the more the enemy tries to stop us in our tracks by sending trials, persecution, and all the tricks he has in his arsenal, but God never leaves us unguarded or alone.

 

Isaiah 43 tells us no matter what happens, He will be with us to keep us from harm...in the floods....

in the fires...!  An ever present help in time of need. So suit up and stand firm, anchored on the Rock of our Salvation - Jesus Christ, our soon coming King. Together we can stand and make a difference, and if we need to know anything, ask Him, waiting for your marching orders, then do it! Joyce Meyer says, "Do it afraid!" Sound wisdom from a gal who knows about the battle. I, for one, am going to heed the advice, strap on my armor, pick up the Sword and march victoriously into the battle with praise on my lips! God always sends Judah first into the battle. Judah means praise, and Jesus, is the Lion of the tribe of Judah. Won't you join us?!

Days 208 - 255 Catching Up, Continuing On

"Faith is dead to doubt, dumb to discouragement,

blind to impossibilities."

Continuing on,,,..

Making decisions often poses threats to others who cannot understand or who feel differently or threatened. Starting over has always been the hardest thing I have had to do, and I have done so many times, always alone. No longer. For years I have had an emptiness no one could fill, except for Jesus who never fails, never leaves, never abandons. Someone told me not too long ago that I had built a wall around my heart and was afraid to allow anyone in or to love. I imagine this is partially true, but I did not want to see or believe life held something more for me. I was content, or so I thought, living as I was, not daring to dream. Now I dare to dream, hope, even make plans. It's a beginning howbeit small.

"Do not despise these small beginnings, 

for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...." 

Zechariah 4:10

My flight for August 5th was scheduled, but as the day of my departure approached I knew I was not meant to get on the plane. God had something else in mind, and as I cried out, I heard His voice, and I obeyed. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Immediately peace swept over me, and I confirmed my plans for  Pagosa Springs. Pagosa means "healing."  And it was in the presence of good friends, healing began and continues on, day by day, moment by moment, and decision by decision.

"Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them;

but do not let them master you. Let them teach you

patience, sweetness, insight. When we do the best

we can, we never know what miracle is wrought

in our life, or in the life of another."

Helen Keller

During my time in hiding, separated from the world by phone, internet, or television I spent time reading, praying, asking, seeking, and knocking. I spent many silent hours peacefully sitting on the  porch swing, looking out across the lake towards the mountains. How I long to return to that tranquility. It was my time to sit in the lap of Jesus, silently listening. Safe from the noise and the voices that bring chaos and confusion. Reminders of hurt, pain, failures, and regrets.

When I first arrived my friend, Peter handed me a copy of the book, The Story of Life by Pat Stark, a lady who had been a guest of Peter's in the Hiding Place. From the moment I opened the book and began to read I knew I was where I needed to be. Over the days of my seclusion God used that book to reveal the hidden memories buried deep within my soul and began a healing process that continues to chip away my fears and loneliness. I am now reading Pat's book, Born to Fly, in the hope I will redeem the years satan has stolen and become the person I was created to be for the glory of God.

I know that my journey thus far has not been wasted or completely ripped apart by the enemy's lies, as I am God's child, and He has used this weak vessel in reaching out to help others who are broken, seeking freedom to just "be" all they were intended to be in the world. Pat wrote the same words I have used over and over in my writings about "being" and feeling "stuck," unable to move past certain feelings, not understanding why, not realizing freedom was so easily within my grasp. Layers of years of brokenness removed so gently by our compassionate, ever-loving Abba Father as I place my trust in Him. We all need to find our "hiding place" away from the noise, taking the time to let go and be.

 

The day I left Pagosa Springs I was so resolute about the path I felt I needed to take, and as the week continued I shared my heart with a few close friends who accepted happily the course I was about to take. But then, something happened, as it usually does, to disturb my composure and bring doubt. Once more my heart was broken, and I doubted what I had heard in secret, but then I realize that God gives the vision, but the right timing is His alone for us to reject or accept. Waiting is very hard especially when you have been waiting for a very long time.

So I take it one day, one step at a time, waiting. It's been okay. I am getting stronger, but I still need to find my way home, wherever home may be for me. For now it's here as I play "the game" that comes easier for me now. 

Days 208 - 255 Catching Up

Where to begin...!

Many days have passed since I have shared my heart openly, and yet not a day passes when the battle within exposes something of the depth of my soul. I think I have made myself very clear in expressing the one truth I know, and that is that God is the only one I want to please and his the only voice I want to hear.

Being continuously reminded of my shortcomings, being pulled this way and that by those who want to rule my life, or ruin my life, as the case may be. The voices coming without, within, never ending, beckoning, demanding, and relentlessly reminding me of all the disturbing truths about myself, all the lies I have swallowed over the years of my life. Revelations have a way of exposing the brokenness of our lives until we have to give up the struggle and wait. Waiting can be the hardest thing we are called to do in life, and yet my life has been a waiting game the majority of my years.

Until today I have not felt compelled to write, and yet I have written daily since my life shut down and all communication stopped. My path of discovery began on Day 214, August 2, 2015 when I finally heard God's whispered words, and I embarked on a path of healing. As I continue this leading of the Holy Spirit I have traveled the pages of scripture from Isaiah to Obadiah receiving messages of hope, healing, and rediscovery within the pages and without in the carefully selected authors destined to speak to my brokenness at this time. God does not do things in a chaotic manner, as He is not a God of confusion. He is a God of peace, calm, and love. He delights to have us call upon His name, and He beckons us to come and find rest for our souls. That is what I am doing.

I still struggle, and I don't mind sharing that with anyone, because too many times people are made to feel that there's something wrong with them if they become weak and fail. But, my friends, remember the words I have shared with you from my life and the words of those I admire for their steadfastness and honesty in the face of their failings - Brennan Manning, Rich Mullins, even Mother Teresa had years when she cried out to God before she received her call to the needy of Calcutta. Never be tricked into thinking true Christians do not struggle. Even Jesus became desperate at a time He felt so alone in the Garden of Gethsemane, and He cried out to God, nevertheless He said "Thy will be done," just as we are called to do as His children.

Honesty can be such freedom, and I never realized before, until this moment as I typed those words, I am free!  I am free, because it does not concern me who knows I struggle even though I have walked with Jesus all of my life. I am a miserable failure in my own eyes, but in His eyes I am altogether lovely, as are you. I am not perfect, and although He has been by my side, I have sinned and fallen short of His glory so many, many times. Yet His hand of mercy and grace has been extended to me each time. God does not give up on us as people do, and hell was not created for us, so hang on to the path that is set before you. The path of life in Jesus Christ our Lord. Answers will come when we give up the struggle and lay it at His feet.

There's more to come in catching up, but for now this is a beginning, and it feels good to finally be able to share the things God is placing on my heart to share with all who have an ear to hear.

Days 204 - 207 Holding On

"This is the message from the one who is holy and true,

the one who has the key of David. What he opens, no one

can close; and what he closes, no one can open."

"I know all the things you do, and I have opened a door 

for you that no one can close. You have little strength, yet 

you obeyed my word and did not deny me.... Because you

have obeyed my command to persevere, I will protect you from

the great time of testing that will come upon the whole

world to test those who belong to this world."

Revelation 3:7-8,10

In the scripture above Jesus is speaking to the Church at Philadelphia, one of seven churches to whom Jesus refers in Chapter 3. In each message he says, "Anyone with ears to hear must listen to the Spirit and understand what he is saying to the churches." The church of Philadelphia is the only one of the seven not receiving the call to return to him. In fact in verse 11 he adds, "Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take away your crown."

Thursday and Friday were excessively busy days, but I managed to persevere, even though I had to work very long hours. One day I will stick to my "enough is enough" philosophy. Encouraged by my time in the field I returned home late on Friday, only to work even longer hours. When Saturday rolled around I purposed to have a good day in Santa Fe hunting for treasure and purchasing a few necessities at Wally World in preparation of my upcoming vacation. Sadly, I had to work a bit more than I had intended on Saturday night, and because of an unexpected phone call, I did not get to bed until 3 am, wondering how to respond.

Sunday has rolled around, and although I am troubled, I am not in despair. The words, "What do I do, Father," continue to fill my every waking moment. Answers are often right before our eyes, yet at the moment of the deepest troubling thoughts we are not capable of seeing and understanding, of hearing, listening, and obeying. Eventually, we rest on His promises, spoken over and over to our listening hearts, and we know, we see, and we obey.

"Hold on to what you have, so that no one will take away your crown."

Written Sunday, 7/26/15