Days 208 - 255 Catching Up, Continuing On

"Faith is dead to doubt, dumb to discouragement,

blind to impossibilities."

Continuing on,,,..

Making decisions often poses threats to others who cannot understand or who feel differently or threatened. Starting over has always been the hardest thing I have had to do, and I have done so many times, always alone. No longer. For years I have had an emptiness no one could fill, except for Jesus who never fails, never leaves, never abandons. Someone told me not too long ago that I had built a wall around my heart and was afraid to allow anyone in or to love. I imagine this is partially true, but I did not want to see or believe life held something more for me. I was content, or so I thought, living as I was, not daring to dream. Now I dare to dream, hope, even make plans. It's a beginning howbeit small.

"Do not despise these small beginnings, 

for the Lord rejoices to see the work begin...." 

Zechariah 4:10

My flight for August 5th was scheduled, but as the day of my departure approached I knew I was not meant to get on the plane. God had something else in mind, and as I cried out, I heard His voice, and I obeyed. Obedience is better than sacrifice. Immediately peace swept over me, and I confirmed my plans for  Pagosa Springs. Pagosa means "healing."  And it was in the presence of good friends, healing began and continues on, day by day, moment by moment, and decision by decision.

"Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them;

but do not let them master you. Let them teach you

patience, sweetness, insight. When we do the best

we can, we never know what miracle is wrought

in our life, or in the life of another."

Helen Keller

During my time in hiding, separated from the world by phone, internet, or television I spent time reading, praying, asking, seeking, and knocking. I spent many silent hours peacefully sitting on the  porch swing, looking out across the lake towards the mountains. How I long to return to that tranquility. It was my time to sit in the lap of Jesus, silently listening. Safe from the noise and the voices that bring chaos and confusion. Reminders of hurt, pain, failures, and regrets.

When I first arrived my friend, Peter handed me a copy of the book, The Story of Life by Pat Stark, a lady who had been a guest of Peter's in the Hiding Place. From the moment I opened the book and began to read I knew I was where I needed to be. Over the days of my seclusion God used that book to reveal the hidden memories buried deep within my soul and began a healing process that continues to chip away my fears and loneliness. I am now reading Pat's book, Born to Fly, in the hope I will redeem the years satan has stolen and become the person I was created to be for the glory of God.

I know that my journey thus far has not been wasted or completely ripped apart by the enemy's lies, as I am God's child, and He has used this weak vessel in reaching out to help others who are broken, seeking freedom to just "be" all they were intended to be in the world. Pat wrote the same words I have used over and over in my writings about "being" and feeling "stuck," unable to move past certain feelings, not understanding why, not realizing freedom was so easily within my grasp. Layers of years of brokenness removed so gently by our compassionate, ever-loving Abba Father as I place my trust in Him. We all need to find our "hiding place" away from the noise, taking the time to let go and be.

 

The day I left Pagosa Springs I was so resolute about the path I felt I needed to take, and as the week continued I shared my heart with a few close friends who accepted happily the course I was about to take. But then, something happened, as it usually does, to disturb my composure and bring doubt. Once more my heart was broken, and I doubted what I had heard in secret, but then I realize that God gives the vision, but the right timing is His alone for us to reject or accept. Waiting is very hard especially when you have been waiting for a very long time.

So I take it one day, one step at a time, waiting. It's been okay. I am getting stronger, but I still need to find my way home, wherever home may be for me. For now it's here as I play "the game" that comes easier for me now.