Many days have passed since I have shared my heart openly, and yet not a day passes when the battle within exposes something of the depth of my soul. I think I have made myself very clear in expressing the one truth I know, and that is that God is the only one I want to please and his the only voice I want to hear.
Being continuously reminded of my shortcomings, being pulled this way and that by those who want to rule my life, or ruin my life, as the case may be. The voices coming without, within, never ending, beckoning, demanding, and relentlessly reminding me of all the disturbing truths about myself, all the lies I have swallowed over the years of my life. Revelations have a way of exposing the brokenness of our lives until we have to give up the struggle and wait. Waiting can be the hardest thing we are called to do in life, and yet my life has been a waiting game the majority of my years.
Until today I have not felt compelled to write, and yet I have written daily since my life shut down and all communication stopped. My path of discovery began on Day 214, August 2, 2015 when I finally heard God's whispered words, and I embarked on a path of healing. As I continue this leading of the Holy Spirit I have traveled the pages of scripture from Isaiah to Obadiah receiving messages of hope, healing, and rediscovery within the pages and without in the carefully selected authors destined to speak to my brokenness at this time. God does not do things in a chaotic manner, as He is not a God of confusion. He is a God of peace, calm, and love. He delights to have us call upon His name, and He beckons us to come and find rest for our souls. That is what I am doing.
I still struggle, and I don't mind sharing that with anyone, because too many times people are made to feel that there's something wrong with them if they become weak and fail. But, my friends, remember the words I have shared with you from my life and the words of those I admire for their steadfastness and honesty in the face of their failings - Brennan Manning, Rich Mullins, even Mother Teresa had years when she cried out to God before she received her call to the needy of Calcutta. Never be tricked into thinking true Christians do not struggle. Even Jesus became desperate at a time He felt so alone in the Garden of Gethsemane, and He cried out to God, nevertheless He said "Thy will be done," just as we are called to do as His children.
Honesty can be such freedom, and I never realized before, until this moment as I typed those words, I am free! I am free, because it does not concern me who knows I struggle even though I have walked with Jesus all of my life. I am a miserable failure in my own eyes, but in His eyes I am altogether lovely, as are you. I am not perfect, and although He has been by my side, I have sinned and fallen short of His glory so many, many times. Yet His hand of mercy and grace has been extended to me each time. God does not give up on us as people do, and hell was not created for us, so hang on to the path that is set before you. The path of life in Jesus Christ our Lord. Answers will come when we give up the struggle and lay it at His feet.
There's more to come in catching up, but for now this is a beginning, and it feels good to finally be able to share the things God is placing on my heart to share with all who have an ear to hear.
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