Day 314 - Day 332 A Magic Time

 

Thanksgiving is a wonderful time of year to give thanks for all our blessings. But, it shouldn't be limited to just one day, rather gratitude should be the expressed in each wakening day, with praise on our lips when our eyes first open. Each new day is a new adventure and an opportunity to see the wonder with which we are blessed in spite of the evil plaguing our world.

Holidays are bittersweet memories for me, but regardless of my melancholy, as I reminiscence of days gone by, I can still see the glory in the sunshine and feel the crisp chill of winter days. It's truly a wonderful time of year, but if we don't pay close attention, it is over in the blink of an eye. One season fades into another.

Over my four day Thanksgiving holiday I have enjoyed watching Christmas movies, plus my yearly Star Wars festival. It's a holiday tradition for me, although my children don't seem to remember the tradition as well as I do. Funny how my children grew up, but their mother is still lost in the wonder of it all. I hope I, like Peter Pan, never grow up. What a loss for the world if everyone grew up, and there was no one to marvel at every day wonders!

In the movie Prancer a little girl, who has lost her mother, finds a wounded reindeer in the forest. She nurses the animal back to health, and in the process of sadness and mayhem, an entire town comes alive again with the true spirit of Christmas. Her family reunites, and everyone, including Prancer, lives a little more happily ever after. The little girl listens to Christmas music all year round her daddy says to a friend. This ole lady is kindred spirit to that little girl, as I not only listen to Christmas music, I watch Christmas movies all year round. After all, shouldn't Christmas be celebrated every day of the year? If Jesus is alive and well, then it must be Christmas!

Maybe this will be the year for new traditions with more whimsy and nostalgia not packed away for a one time season of the year, but traditions carried on the wings of change over the expanse of a lifetime adrift in the distant sky.

Day 313 - I've Just Seen Jesus

Memories keep flooding in and out of my mind today. It's been a bittersweet day thus far, and although I have been lonely, I am not alone. I'm never alone. As I read the pages of scripture today I am reminded of things long ago, things I had forgotten or that were deeply embedded into my subconscious. Lessons that were not only taught to me but that were shown to me developing my character, quickening my senses.

As children we learn most from repetition, emulating what we see our parents and other authority figures in our lives do. Behaviors - good, bad or indifferent. One can learn a lot by taking the time to listen to a child or by simply observing their reactions.

Being the middle child carries different responsibilities. They, or I should say "we," are often stereotyped or identified as having specific "traits." Labeled. I really don't like being categorized or told just because a certain thing "is" I cannot do it. Maybe that's considered as rebellious, but having an opinion should not be considered so. To have an opinion means I care enough to speak up for myself and others. Yet, always responding respectfully. Now, there's a term that is lacking badly in our society today - respect!

My childhood memories are isolated to certain moments, times, and places. I have a somewhat photographic memory, so if I focus I can be transported back, so to speak, and see things as they happened. Many memories have been blocked, however, until God wants me to remember, I guess. Even though I remember something tragic, my feelings do not change, and I thank God for healing me. This is not generally the case for those who suppress memories, as it is a safety against being injured in some way. This is why so many people are in therapy, simply because they are trying to deal with the painful experiences...memories.

Holidays are difficult, but they provide glimpses of happiness from days as a child as the season unfolds and family gathers to celebrate together under one roof. At least for others that is the way it happens, but it's not that way for me. It's these times I become a little melancholy, but I am able to enjoy the quiet times and memories even though I don't have the good fortune of having family around.

One day soon things will be different, and I have the hope of once more spending the holidays with those I love. For now I am grateful just being alive, well, and in the presence of royalty.

Day 306 - Day 312 Memories

"The choices we make, not the changes we take, determine our destiny."

"Seekers of popularity, power, and pleasure. 

The end result is the same: painful unfulfillment.

Only in seeing his Maker does a man truly become

a man. For in seeing his Creator man catches a 

glimpse of what he was intended to be."

Max Lucado - God Came Near

Tomorrow, 11/8/15 marks my mother's 88th birthday. She passed away on 12/20/09, and not a day goes by that I don't remember her words to me about prayer and her continuous reminder that we need to "keep on pluggin'"....words I tried to remind her during her final days.

I have been transparent in my writing about my beliefs, my stands, and my most heartfelt desires to be the woman God intended when He created me for His special purpose. I'm a middle child who, for reasons not always understood, is the black sheep, the prodigal, the "wind in the wist." Although those names may denote aspects of my personality in obscure ways, they certainly do not describe the depth of my character. They are nonetheless thought provoking and worth careful consideration.

My faith stands strong in the face of the mental and emotional turmoil of my soul. Whenever I dare to express the complexities of being who I am, as I become the person I am to be, and as I grow in nearness to my Adonai, Elohim, El Shaddai, I pay the price Jesus said would certainly come for those who choose to follow Him as He guides. My life has been an amazing journey, often spent alone, and not what I thought it would be. Although I have missed opportunities, and the choices deviated from my heart's desire and God's calling, He, in all of His love, mercy and desires for my life, has been bringing me back around to the person He called to be into the ministry He destined for my life.

I never want to be rebellious, fearful, or hesitant, but there are days I want to retreat to the cave as Elijah did and ask God to end my days. I have no aspiration of being swept up in the clouds by the chariot of fire dropping my "cloak" of double anointing on one who remains. I simply want to close my eyes and awaken to see His face.

Last night as I visited with a dear friend who has been a source of strength to me in small, yet enduring ways, I opened up a bit more as to who I am and the life I have lived. We found out that our journeys have been arduous and our friendship not coincidental. We each have witnessed first hand life-saving and beyond human understanding miracles involving ourselves and our children. As I drove home last night I began to understand again just how much God loves us, restores and comforts us in the person of Holy Spirit who resides in us.

As the year 2015 draws to a close, it is a time when many people who are so lonely, overwhelmed, or plagued with regret, guilt, and shame will end their lives. I inwardly chuckled as I read the words "Suicide Prevention Week," as I didn't realize it was isolated to just seven days in the 365 of the year, as with many other causes and observances. I am almost certain it is given little routine consideration on that week or the rest of the days, unless of course you are someone who has identified with one who has taken chosen to end their suffering. As an EMT I witnessed a few suicides, and as a crisis counselor for the Crisis Pregnancy Center in Richmond, Virginia years ago I witnessed regrets. We don't always understand why, but as Pastor Saeed Abedini said, we only need to know one thing...not "why" but "Who."

As we talked last night my friend shared with me the wonderful news that she was going to be a grandmother. I rejoiced in her expectancy of the changes that great gift will bring into her life after suffering the loss of her husband two years ago and her struggle to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Driving home, alone with my thoughts and my memories, I was overwhelmed with the sense of loss in my own life regarding my six grandchildren and four great grandchildren whom I never see due to a series of consequences. I began to grieve for the death of vision and the path of life I had chosen and never was able to have, and the joys I can never share with my friends and family. I simply trust what God is doing in my life, and I pray that one day He will turn the tide, as He has so many times before, and I will find myself in step with the life I dreamed of having, restored to the ones I love the most. They are never forgotten and always in my heart and prayers.

Wednesday I am setting forth on another pilgrimage, a road trip I have longed dreamed of taking, trusting God as I make my way to Minnesota to share in the marriage of my granddaughter, Amanda to her soulmate, Derek. Pray I can make it safely, as the way is treacherous on so many levels, and as I am engaged in so many unseen battles within my heart, mind, body and soul. God has graciously been breaking the strongholds of resistance in my life, and I have been able to lay down the people's lives most dear to me at the feet of our Savior, pick up my cross and continue on. Few who read this blog will truly understand the magnitude of what I just said. You may read into it from a human perspective, but this is not as much as a personal pilgrimage as a spiritual one.

People always want to blame others or God, but they never want to own up to the responsibilities of their own actions. The innocent will always suffer, and there are so many things that are far beyond our control. But we can stand in faith believing and trusting in the only One who can change a life and turn it back to His original creation, cleansed by fire, purified as gold, and made beautiful as a diamond.

"A candle loses nothing

of its light by

lighting another candle."

 

Day 305 - Unoffendable, Part 2

My thoughtful friend and sister in the Lord responded to my blog yesterday, Priorities, by sending me a note of encouragement. Sadly, the note was removed by someone once posted. Perhaps the words were too delicate for other ears, or perhaps she did not wish me to share it with my readers.
She knows I have been seeking my place in this world, a "home" - a place to belong.

There is a place where I can go and not feel alone. 

A place of wonder, beauty, laughter, acceptance and new beginnings.  

A place where trust and respect are not earned but granted freely. 

Where I can go without the guilt and shame of past regrets imprisoning me. 

To a place where I feel worthy, believed in, accepted for who I am, 

capable of accomplishing the impossible, helped when I am weak, 

forgiven when I am wrong. A place where I can forgive myself and others, 

realizing we are all fragile and capable of wrong thoughts and deeds, 

but where we can rise above anything on the wings of faith.

 To begin again, to be made brand new, with the strength of others, 

who are just like me, just like you. No longer alone, no longer excluded, 

living together in harmony, love and faith. 

Where the impossible dreams become possibilities and realities! 

I am a misfit toy, a displaced person, a ragamuffin broken before God. This morning I crawled up into God's lap - for comfort, encouragement, but primarily to listen and find peace. Jesus warns us not to allow anyone or anything to steal our joy. I am keenly aware of my enemy and his often subtle tactics used to steal my joy. First of all, please hear me, joy is not the same as happiness. Joy is a part of the fruit of the Spirit, the person of the Trinity whose purpose is to comfort, be an advocate, and the one who reveals to us the truth of Jesus. The fruit of the Spirit is the character of Jesus Christ.

 God wants us to clothe ourselves as representative of Christ:

He wants to equip us for ministry, for our life:

He wants to prepare and to ready us and protect us from the enemy's attacks on our entire being:

 

When Jesus prayed for his disciples prior to His death, he also prayed for us, His followers yet to come, those who believe He is who He says He is. God wants us to call Him Abba, which connotes the spiritual intimacy of the word we know as "daddy," which implies trust, protection, and blind faith. But, many times we feel God takes a stone deaf ear to our cries of distress - to our prayers, but I assure you He never does. He loves us with an everlasting love no man can fathom. His love defies reason, imagination - often it is misconstrued in our twisted minds where hatred, revenge, and seeking retribution are the only thoughts in our finite minds. But the answer to the questions is found in the deeply profound statement:

 

His response to debauchery is love poured out just-as-if we never sinned. Many have wondered why. Those who consider their lives as useless, lacking in purpose, lonely, hopeless and without love. Not worth the bother. But we are God's beloved ones, and He so wants us to know and experience the depth of His love. He wants us to turn deaf ears to the lies the enemy has filtered into our minds to imprison us and hold us captives. Jesus came to heal the brokenhearted and set the captives free.

Since my time of healing in Pagosa Springs the attacks on my mind have become more than daily. They are often moment by moment, but I am learning to discipline my mind once more and think with my heart, my gut, because I know my Abba Father loves me so much, has forgiven me for so many shortcomings, and satan cannot stand that knowledge. I am a warrior! Mighty in God, and satan knows he cannot steal my joy or my salvation.

As I pen these words I sense his loathing, but I do not fear him. He can kill my body, sometimes he can momentarily distract me from the truth, he can make the physical pain so severe it knocks me off my feet, but he can never steal my joy, and he can never take those whom God has entrusted to me.

 And this is why I am suffering as I do. 

Still I am not ashamed, for I know 

(perceive, have knowledge of, and am acquainted with)

 Him Whom I have believed

 (adhered to and trusted in and relied on), 

and I am [positively] persuaded that He is able to guard 

and keep that which has been entrusted to me 

and which I have committed [to Him] until that day.

2 Timothy 1:12

The battle is the Lord's. 

I have been angry, but I am learning to lay it down at His nail-scarred feet. Often the pain in my heart is so deep I feel I cannot take another step, but I take that step. I have learned another valuable lesson this weekend - I am able to continue doing the divine assignment with which He has called and equipped me for as long as He requires me, regardless of what another person does, no matter how lonely I become at times, and no matter how circumstances may change. My sufficiency is in Him alone. His love for me is an all-consuming fire. I want to do His will in my life, on earth as it is in heaven. How many people idly, didactically repeat the Lord's Prayer without truly understanding the meaning. How many partake of communion without fully understanding the true meaning it holds or the significance of Jesus' sacrifice or the warning not to eat or drink unworthily, without conscience. How many believe the income they earn, the possessions they hold so dear, not willing to share, saving for their retirement, belongs to them. Everything is His, and without Him we are nothing, I am nothing. He is the Author and Finisher of our faith. He is the true reward, and all possessions, everything we own, our very person belongs to Him for His glory and His use, His divine purpose through each one of us.

My life is not my own, and I willingly lay it down for Him. I willingly choose forgiveness, and I willingly lay down my life. Jesus, while teaching one day, was told that His mother and brothers were outside looking for Him. To which He responded:

Answering them, He said, "Who are My mother and My brothers?"

Looking about at those who were sitting around Him, 

He said, "Behold My mother and My brothers! 

"For whoever does the will of God, 

he is My brother and sister and mother." 

Mark 3:33-35

Yesterday I wrote that I wanted an unoffendable heart. Oh, how that statement sticks a burr in satan's butt, and yet I willingly choose to state it once more. I desire an unoffendable heart, Abba Father. And as I say it, write it, and pray for it even though satan is probably forming a new strategy to take me down. He knows my weaknesses, my vulnerabilities, but knowing me well he knows I may flinch or hurt a little or a lot, but in the strength of the Lord, I will not back down, and I will overcome.

I was a bit discouraged, unsettled about some things yesterday, but I had things to do, a mission to complete. Last night I shared with you my "lovely day." Although it indeed was a lovely day on so many levels, I never forgot for a moment the battle being fought in the heavenlies for my soul, for my life, and the countless ones, including animals, whose lives were in harm's way on that one day of the year. Not even in my momentary brokenness and extreme physical pain did I forget, and I stood with others as the unseen war was being fought. For as long as I am allowed to live I will stand for the lives, the minds, the hearts, the souls, for those who are most vulnerable to the lies and deceit, the cunning manipulation of the enemy. And, I am not lone in this stand. I am part of the 3-ply cord, that can never be unraveled. I am ready, I am equipped, and am stalwart in my faith. I am a survivor. I am an over-comer.  I am His!

I know my purpose. I know my assignment, and I need your prayers. So suit up! in your armor, and please stand with me for your families, your nation, and your world. Lay down your doubts, fears, and inhibitions, and pick up your cross and your sword and follow Him. Today we fight! Today we stand! And no matter what happens, never doubt what God tells you in your heart, regardless of what you see with your eyes. Hold fast to your faith.