"The choices we make, not the changes we take, determine our destiny."
"Seekers of popularity, power, and pleasure.
The end result is the same: painful unfulfillment.
Only in seeing his Maker does a man truly become
a man. For in seeing his Creator man catches a
glimpse of what he was intended to be."
Max Lucado - God Came Near
Tomorrow, 11/8/15 marks my mother's 88th birthday. She passed away on 12/20/09, and not a day goes by that I don't remember her words to me about prayer and her continuous reminder that we need to "keep on pluggin'"....words I tried to remind her during her final days.
I have been transparent in my writing about my beliefs, my stands, and my most heartfelt desires to be the woman God intended when He created me for His special purpose. I'm a middle child who, for reasons not always understood, is the black sheep, the prodigal, the "wind in the wist." Although those names may denote aspects of my personality in obscure ways, they certainly do not describe the depth of my character. They are nonetheless thought provoking and worth careful consideration.
My faith stands strong in the face of the mental and emotional turmoil of my soul. Whenever I dare to express the complexities of being who I am, as I become the person I am to be, and as I grow in nearness to my Adonai, Elohim, El Shaddai, I pay the price Jesus said would certainly come for those who choose to follow Him as He guides. My life has been an amazing journey, often spent alone, and not what I thought it would be. Although I have missed opportunities, and the choices deviated from my heart's desire and God's calling, He, in all of His love, mercy and desires for my life, has been bringing me back around to the person He called to be into the ministry He destined for my life.
I never want to be rebellious, fearful, or hesitant, but there are days I want to retreat to the cave as Elijah did and ask God to end my days. I have no aspiration of being swept up in the clouds by the chariot of fire dropping my "cloak" of double anointing on one who remains. I simply want to close my eyes and awaken to see His face.
Last night as I visited with a dear friend who has been a source of strength to me in small, yet enduring ways, I opened up a bit more as to who I am and the life I have lived. We found out that our journeys have been arduous and our friendship not coincidental. We each have witnessed first hand life-saving and beyond human understanding miracles involving ourselves and our children. As I drove home last night I began to understand again just how much God loves us, restores and comforts us in the person of Holy Spirit who resides in us.
As the year 2015 draws to a close, it is a time when many people who are so lonely, overwhelmed, or plagued with regret, guilt, and shame will end their lives. I inwardly chuckled as I read the words "Suicide Prevention Week," as I didn't realize it was isolated to just seven days in the 365 of the year, as with many other causes and observances. I am almost certain it is given little routine consideration on that week or the rest of the days, unless of course you are someone who has identified with one who has taken chosen to end their suffering. As an EMT I witnessed a few suicides, and as a crisis counselor for the Crisis Pregnancy Center in Richmond, Virginia years ago I witnessed regrets. We don't always understand why, but as Pastor Saeed Abedini said, we only need to know one thing...not "why" but "Who."
As we talked last night my friend shared with me the wonderful news that she was going to be a grandmother. I rejoiced in her expectancy of the changes that great gift will bring into her life after suffering the loss of her husband two years ago and her struggle to pick up the pieces of her broken heart. Driving home, alone with my thoughts and my memories, I was overwhelmed with the sense of loss in my own life regarding my six grandchildren and four great grandchildren whom I never see due to a series of consequences. I began to grieve for the death of vision and the path of life I had chosen and never was able to have, and the joys I can never share with my friends and family. I simply trust what God is doing in my life, and I pray that one day He will turn the tide, as He has so many times before, and I will find myself in step with the life I dreamed of having, restored to the ones I love the most. They are never forgotten and always in my heart and prayers.
Wednesday I am setting forth on another pilgrimage, a road trip I have longed dreamed of taking, trusting God as I make my way to Minnesota to share in the marriage of my granddaughter, Amanda to her soulmate, Derek. Pray I can make it safely, as the way is treacherous on so many levels, and as I am engaged in so many unseen battles within my heart, mind, body and soul. God has graciously been breaking the strongholds of resistance in my life, and I have been able to lay down the people's lives most dear to me at the feet of our Savior, pick up my cross and continue on. Few who read this blog will truly understand the magnitude of what I just said. You may read into it from a human perspective, but this is not as much as a personal pilgrimage as a spiritual one.
People always want to blame others or God, but they never want to own up to the responsibilities of their own actions. The innocent will always suffer, and there are so many things that are far beyond our control. But we can stand in faith believing and trusting in the only One who can change a life and turn it back to His original creation, cleansed by fire, purified as gold, and made beautiful as a diamond.
"A candle loses nothing
of its light by
lighting another candle."
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