Thoughts

Sometimes my heart is so heavy that my pen explodes, but I will not apologize for sharing my feelings, my faith, and the hope within me. I seek to judge no man, or woman, I only use my life and what God is teaching me, showing me, how He is leading me and healing me as examples from one who has failed Him repeatedly, yet He loves me still. In my writings I try to transparently live my life so all will see the true faithfulness of a loving Father who hears our every prayer. I want anyone who reads my blog to understand that just like everyone else, perhaps more, I am a work in progress. My life has been a series of ups and downs, in and outs, but I do know that God has been walking right beside me all the way, or I would never have survived. As I struggle through each day of my present dark night of the soul, He is healing me.

I began to blog because I am a writer, and it was an avenue, a testing ground. I needed to see if I had anything worth saying that had never been said before. Certainly God's word is not new, but the revelation each person receives from reading and re-visiting the scriptures is unique and always fresh. I become inspired, and the hope spills out onto the page. I love it when the lights come on in my head, and I finally understand what I have been missing. But, while I write for me, why do I post it? Am I looking for approval? In a way, perhaps, as I believe we all desire to do well and touch someone. I do hope I can encourage someone who is struggling not to give up. Or someone who has lived with guilt and shame to understand it's okay to talk about it. I want people to really see and understand that they are loved, special, and have something to offer the world. This is where my concept for the Island of Misfit Toys enters into the plan. I want to give back, walk beside, and encourage anyone who needs it. Anyone who feels desperately alone in this world, who has given up on life. I am not the miracle worker, but I know who is. He can change a life. He has mine.

My role as a social servant affords me many opportunities to witness His grace and be used in small ways. But it is always about Him, never me. If someone glimpses Him through my eyes or voice I have served Him well. I need no thanks, because I am doing my job. I am passionate about service to others, yet my energy has run out. Still my weary mind continues on, and ideas are birthed through His inspired words, not anything of myself.

Today I have been reflecting on the many promises made to me. Reading through Isaiah I consider His promise of restoration, of making all things new. I trust those words, and I am counting on that hope as my family has suffered greatly for my obedience in following Christ.

Yesterday I had lunch with my two friends with whom I share a common bond, a three-ply cord. Each of us has our own unique personalities, but the differences create a symbiotic relationship. They are married, so they tolerate my wild and free spirit. Sometimes I wonder why I am part of this little circle. How do I possible "fit" considering the differences. But we have a common thread, something that links us together and makes us inseparable. There are times when I try to pull away because of my being alone while they are connected, but they have made it their solemn mission in life to draw me out of my hiding place and keep me viable. It's impossible for me to say "go away" or "not today" when someone as persistent as these two threaten to come to my home and drag me out. I always come away from our trysts feeling richer for the friendship. Admittedly however, I do often feel sad, because they have great husbands who obviously love and appreciate their brides. It's a dream that was broken for me, and it is hard to even think about my life being any different than how it is today. The hope fades after a time, and the loneliness never goes away completely. Yet I can dream.

Today I am spending the day in the quietness and confidence I feel when I rest in my True Love's arms. Is it enough, is He enough? Yes, He is for me. In Him I can be complete if I allow myself. Perhaps it was always meant to be this way for me.Today is the end of another month, and my time is short for my approaching new adventure. I feel I have accomplished little towards that goal, yet I can only focus on the day, this day, and it is enough.

A Special Work

Pardon me if I seem a bit on edge today, but I had a restless night's sleep, and I am particularly wired this morning in so many ways. I have been spiraling out of control, yet very much in control,  about things that matter for some time, and perhaps it took another knock on the noggin to get me to realize my next step. So I am dauntlessly fighting for my freedom so I can take the time to truly heal from a lifetime of abuse and smacks upside my head, boards on top my skull, and blows to the back of my oh so sensitive hard hardheadedness. Although my body may be spiraling 'neath the changes, my anger and responses are very much focused on important matters at hand. The battle is not mine but God's, and it has been waged longer than five months!

This morning I picked up Decision Magazine put out by Franklin Graham, and I read about one of his Decision Tours being attended by protestors who mistook his intentions, calling them prejudiced and he and his followers bigots. These particular crusades were following the Orlando murders, and the tragic loss of human lives. I imagine the protestors in the crowd had lived with this kind of hatred all their lives, so they failed to realize that there were people in this crowd including Franklin and his crew who mourned this horrible loss and cruel deed as much if not more than anyone who had actually been present at the time. Why? Because they represent a God who loves all His children, and One who weeps when you weep, and who hates violence and senseless slaughter in whatever form and venue it takes. His only purpose for holding these rallies is to spread the love of Jesus Christ and call God's family to prayer for our nation, a nation that was created under God, a nation that has already spiraled out of control! Without Him where will we be? We all sin and fall short of the glory of God EVERY DAY! I am not negating what the Bible says is right or wrong. I am simply saying LOVE your brother!

For several months now I have been praying for a young man who is facing a divorce. He waited until he was 40 years of age to marry, because he never wanted to come to this point in his life. As a child he dreamed of being an attorney, and I remember him saying to me that he would never handle a divorce case. Yet, here he is, but not of his doing. He wanted to live happily every after as we all dream of doing, but few achieve because of selfishness. I will not divulge the circumstances of his problems except to say I hold no bad feeling towards his bride of less than two years, because she has been listening to and living a lie, and it will destroy her unless someone stands in the gap and prays for her, as God has taught us to pray for others in the Bible. So I began to pray for , and I use this wife the prayer Hosea prayed for his wayward wife until her return. I do not believe in divorce, and it was never truly my choice to divorce, rather I was coerced by others to take the steps I did. At the time I would rather have lived in cruelty than disobey the vows I had taken to God. Yet, here I am...alone. And if we want to truly examine the lie, how many vows are truly taken in the Name of God, and how many times do we truly seek His choices for our lives.

Recently God spoke very clearly to my heart telling me to pray Proverbs 31 for this lady, so I have been diligently praying this prayer for a noble and Godly wife, regardless of the news I receive to the contrary. I do not pray for what I see or hear with my natural senses, but I stand in faith believing what my Father says sight unseen. This is hope, and I will stand fast for this marriage, and I will love her even if she does cruel and thoughtless things. Remember, we all have sinned and do sin each day in ways large and small. Don't think you are one who does not sin. The scriptures are clear we all do...no exceptions.

Proverbs 31 teaches us much more than the deeds of a noble wife, as it begins with the words of a mother to her son. Please read it in from the Message translation and take the message to heart:

Proverbs 31

 

The words of King Lemuel, the strong advice his mother gave him:  "Oh, son of mine, what can you be thinking of! Child whom I bore! The son I dedicated to God! 3 Don't dissipate your virility on fortune-hunting women, promiscuous women who shipwreck leaders. 4 "Leaders can't afford to make fools of themselves, gulping wine and swilling beer, 5 Lest, hung over, they don't know right from wrong, and the people who depend on them are hurt. 6 Use wine and beer only as sedatives, to kill the pain and dull the ache 7 Of the terminally ill, for whom life is a living death. 8 "Speak up for the people who have no voice, for the rights of all the down-and-outers. 9 Speak out for justice! Stand up for the poor and destitute!" 10 A good woman is hard to find, and worth far more than diamonds. 11 Her husband trusts her without reserve, and never has reason to regret it. 12 Never spiteful, she treats him generously all her life long. 13 She shops around for the best yarns and cottons, and enjoys knitting and sewing. 14 She's like a trading ship that sails to faraway places and brings back exotic surprises. 15 She's up before dawn, preparing breakfast for her family and organizing her day. 16 She looks over a field and buys it, then, with money she's put aside, plants a garden. 17 First thing in the morning, she dresses for work, rolls up her sleeves, eager to get started. 18 She senses the worth of her work, is in no hurry to call it quits for the day. 19 She's skilled in the crafts of home and hearth, diligent in homemaking. 20 She's quick to assist anyone in need, reaches out to help the poor. 21 She doesn't worry about her family when it snows; their winter clothes are all mended and ready to wear. 22 She makes her own clothing, and dresses in colorful linens and silks. 23 Her husband is greatly respected when he deliberates with the city fathers. 24 She designs gowns and sells them, brings the sweaters she knits to the dress shops. 25 Her clothes are well-made and elegant, and she always faces tomorrow with a smile. 26 When she speaks she has something worthwhile to say, and she always says it kindly. 27 She keeps an eye on everyone in her household, and keeps them all busy and productive. 28 Her children respect and bless her; her husband joins in with words of praise: 29 "Many women have done wonderful things, but you've outclassed them all!" 30 Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. 31 Give her everything she deserves! Festoon her life with praises! 

I dearly love the Kings James Bible, the version I memorized as a child, but the Message puts it in today's vernacular, and the message is just as clearly spoken. Each morning I read these words aloud in prayer, and I will continue to do so until God tells me to stop. I believe in their marriage, and I am sick and tired of satan trying to rob families of any happiness! If I focused only on what I see in the natural, I would become so discouraged that I would end my own life! Satan threatened me a long time ago, and he thinks he's winning, but he never will. Even in my human weakness and foreboding, my Abba Father is strong, and He never fails me! This I know is truth. Satan's puny lies and cunning will not outsmart the King of Kings and Lord of Lords!

In my Walk thru the Bible I am still reading Isaiah, my favorite Old Testament book of the Bible, because it shows clearly the path our world has always chosen to go, but it brings us back to the hope of a Noble King much like the man King Lemuel's mother prayed her son would be in Proverbs 31. Our hope is in the Savior's return as is Israel's hope, and He is very much present with us today as He has always been and as He will remain if we who say we love Him stand up for Godliness and a holy nation.

The commentator of the Daily Walk Bible states that "Obedience to God's commands has always been the path to individual and corporate blessing." He goes on in the next thought to say, "Some people are so indecisive that their favorite color is plaid. When a lady was asked, "'Do you always have trouble making up your mind?'" she replied, "'Well, yes and no."' There comes a time when changing your mind is not only desirable, it is imperative - and that is when God tells you to." He elaborates his statement with his view on Chapter 58 of Isaiah saying it "describes a nation of people who needed to change their minds about God, themselves, and the wickedness that characterized their lives. In a word, they needed to repent." And listen to his next words closely, "Their worship was full of shallow formalism; their outward piety was not matched by inner purity; and they fasted for public recognition while ignoring the needs of others all around them." This is a picture of our nation today! Be honest, don't you see it?! We have churches on every corner, and one just sprouted next door to another practically on the same plot of earth! Why? Because we want to do it OUR way, not God's although surely that is what the person making the change feels he is following - God's voice, and perhaps in some instances it is true. But I challenge you to follow and see what kind of fruit is produced from the effort, because Jesus is concerned with the fruit. It is the sign of the true worth of an endeavor, and it is a sign of a true disciple of Christ.

I have become so incensed and outraged at the way the elderly, poor, and disadvantaged are being treated by our government and world systems in the State of New Mexico and elsewhere. I have always been an advocate for the rights of others, but since my work-related accident I have witnessed firsthand the cruelty and prejudice people are suffering at the hands of the establishment. They do not represent our God, a God of justice and truth who loves those who cannot speak up for themselves, the widows, the orphans...! And as my friend, a Pastor's wife so clearly put it, if the churches would do the work God set them here to do, then we wouldn't need to rely on government to help the needy, disadvantaged, disabled, or elderly!  Just read God's response to the the people in Isaiah 58 and apply it to the little piece of the earth where you live and perhaps to your own life:

1 "Shout! A full-throated shout! Hold nothing back - a trumpet-blast shout! Tell my people what's wrong with their lives, face my family Jacob with their sins!

2 They're busy, busy, busy at worship, and love studying all about me. To all appearances they're a nation of right-living people - law-abiding, God-honoring. They ask me, 'What's the right thing to do?' and love having me on their side.

3 But they also complain, 'Why do we fast and you don't look our way? Why do we humble ourselves and you don't even notice?' "Well, here's why: "The bottom line on your 'fast days' is profit. You drive your employees much too hard.

4 You fast, but at the same time you bicker and fight. You fast, but you swing a mean fist. The kind of fasting you do won't get your prayers off the ground.

5 Do you think this is the kind of fast day I'm after: a day to show off humility? To put on a pious long face and parade around solemnly in black? Do you call that fasting, a fast day that I, God, would like?

6 "This is the kind of fast day I'm after: to break the chains of injustice, get rid of exploitation in the workplace, free the oppressed, cancel debts.

7 What I'm interested in seeing you do is: sharing your food with the hungry, inviting the homeless poor into your homes, putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad, being available to your own families.

8 Do this and the lights will turn on, and your lives will turn around at once. Your righteousness will pave your way. The God of glory will secure your passage.

9 Then when you pray, God will answer. You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.' A Full Life in the Emptiest of Places "If you get rid of unfair practices, quit blaming victims, quit gossiping about other people's sins,

10 If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.

11 I will always show you where to go. I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places - firm muscles, strong bones. You'll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry.

12 You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You'll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again.

13 "If you watch your step on the Sabbath and don't use my holy day for personal advantage, If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy, God's holy day as a celebration, If you honor it by refusing 'business as usual,' making money, running here and there -

14 Then you'll be free to enjoy God! Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all. I'll make you feast on the inheritance of your ancestor Jacob." Yes! God says so!

Who knows?! Maybe I'm just a crazy ole lady who's had too many blows to the head, but even so, even if I am a bit of a nutcase, as I refer to myself on occasion, I want to care about the needs of others. I want to put their needs before my needs or "wants" (within reason), because it is the right thing to do, it is a Godly response, and I want to be like Jesus. I noted the words "within reason," because even Jesus had to separate Himself for a time to listen to God. Otherwise, He may, if it were possible, have done things on His own. But Jesus always obeyed the voice of His Father, and so should we. I have been obedient to the wrong voices all my life. I am not saying that my parents' advice or that of another was wrong or ungodly, I am saying it was not always the path God wanted me to follow, so I detoured. If you want to talk about the back-burner of life's experiences I am the master, but I see the restoration that God has promised me over the years, and I am trying with all my frailty to let His strength pull me up from the mire and muck and carry me along the right path. I still encounter delays, like the recent one confronting a lifetime of abuse from a person who blames me for all the woes of her life, yet she, like all of us, make choices in our adult lives, and we need to take responsibility for those self-made choices and stop blaming others. I have fallen victim to some of the most hateful, disrespectful words from this person far too long, and although I love her and would gladly give my life for her, I seriously doubt she would want to trade places with me. Many people suffer in life, and we all want to blame someone else, especially God. But God gave us what we wanted from the beginning...we wanted to do it "our way," not His. So why put false blame on Him?! Yes, there are things we do not understand, especially the needless suffering of children with debilitating or life-threatening illnesses. Yet, in most instances, we can see through the lives of these children and their families a faith so alive and full of hope so real that to doubt God's not caring would be blasphemy to them.

We all question God at times, no one is exempt from that response either, although we may tell our pious self we never doubt Him. I choose to believe Him, in spite of what my angry children may say to me when they were raised to accept God's word as truth, and much more, as they have actually witnessed miracles where there can be no doubt He saved them! I am not certain whether I have shared these miracles in my blog, but I have described these instances of divine intervention with many of my friends who themselves have witnessed the hand of God in their lives and the lives of their loved ones. Miracles are present each day if we just look around and marvel at His greatness, His mercy, and His unending love and compassion for all of us. I choose to see the light of His love. I choose not to turn my back on someone who needs my help, and I am able to give it. I choose to live my life for Christ and Christ alone, and when I fail, He lovingly picks me up, dusts me off, and sets me on the Solid Rock once more.

We all have a work to do, and only we can do the job each of us has to do. I was reminded of this very fact on February 24th when I read these words: 

"Remember that you are needed.

There is at least one important work

to be done that will not be done

unless you do it."

Charles Allen

These words have carried me through some difficult challenges this year, and I cling to the truthfulness of the words, "Remember that you are needed." As I have transparently shared with my readers countless times, I struggle each day, but I get up regardless of how I feel physically, mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually, and I get my bruised and broken butt out of the bed proclaiming, "This is the day the Lord has made I WILL rejoice and BE GLAD in it!" This is who I am, and it is all I know, and it is NOT a crutch. It is God's truth, and I will trust Him before any lie that the enemy would have me believe.

So for today I will continue on, and I will meet my friends for lunch where we will giggle and laugh and behave like children, happy to be alive and supportive of each others struggles and dreams. How will you live your day?

"It is clear to us, friends, that God not only loves you very much

but also has put His hand on you for something special."

1Thessalonians 1:4 MSG

Spiraling Out of Control

Last night I worked until way past midnight playing the impossible game of trying to catch up. I am so exhausted that I accomplished very little, so I finally rolled into bed around 2 am completely spent! That's a very appropriate word for my condition, because according to Webster's Dictionary it means: "used up and no longer useful," "tired and drained of energy." The question I continue to ask myself and others who are following the same pursuit of insanity is "Why?" Like it really matters to anyone other than myself or you?!

For over five months now I have been spiraling out of control, my physical and mental health becoming recklessly endangered. The work-related accident about which I have written was the proverbial last straw, yet I have still failed to see the signs! NO LONGER! I am at last fighting back.

The best part is that I can also gain ground and perspective for others while I am standing up for my rights. I feel violated in every way, and I am angry.

But the person I am, who "Linda" truly is as a child of the King does not want to be angry. God promised He would fight my battles, and He is and he has and he will continue to do so, as I put my trust in Him. We all need to take a moment to think about where we are at this time in our lives, rethink our values, and put the matter into His hands. At this writing a dear friend is in the hospital, unresponsive resting in God's arms, while his elderly wife frantically hangs on to hope. My prayer is that God tells him he still has work here to do, but even if He chooses to take this dear one home, I pray God gives his wife courage to continue to stand strong and finish the race. She is so needed here, so vital to the survival of this small area of the world. She doesn't think so, but it is so real to me. 

So many things, so many people are being stripped away from my little sphere of influence. It makes me wonder what will become of those few who remain. Will they continue to stand? Will they gain new courage and a spark of new life and energy? What will they do when first one, then another leaves? The world is rapidly changing, spinning out of control on its axis. People are discouraged, many are in despair and feel helpless, hopeless.

It's interesting. When I begin to write my blogs I always have a burst of energy for the message I am writing. Sometimes my focus remains on those first thoughts , but many times, especially here lately, God truly sends me in another direction. He's like that! He always has the first and the last words!

I woke up this morning after my crazy, senseless night feeling somewhat hopeful about having a fulfilling weekend. Star Trek opened in the theaters, so I had a plan at least for one afternoon. Then something happened to bring me back to this place I presently reside called "nightmare reality," and I momentarily became discouraged, wondering why I even try. It seems everyone I love thinks I can go on forever, while it is perfectly justified that their lives can be free and easy. They can lay around the house in their pajamas, sleep all day, do whatever it is they please. Each one is at a different stage in their lives, older or younger; yet I am expected to continue on, regardless of the fact that I am struggling and alone with two thousand miles in between us. But every day I roll out of bed, straightening my aching back, stretch my shoulders back to relieve the stress on the cervical spine, hopefully releasing the time bomb ticking in my head, regardless that my head and ears are squealing in high decibel noises threatening my sanity. On and on I could tell you what this injury has done to my body. Yet! Yet! I have not missed one day of work. So if I can crawl out of bed and to the end of the hall and work, do not tell me that you cannot get up and do the same! Generally I have become a bit more graphic in my speech when discussing this issue. As I said, I am angry!

I vacillate from positive to outraged. In the midst of my madness God speaks to me. He reminds me in Whom I have believed...! I love my Abba Father, and I don't want to disappoint Him. Let me share our morning conversation with you. Perhaps it will encourage you to know He hears our cries and sees our sorrows. He lifts our souls and frees our spirits, as we allow...!

"Let us love so well our work shall still be sweeter for our love, 

and still our love be sweeter for our work"

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"Oh! Teach us to live well! Teach us to live wisely

and well!... Surprise us with love at daybreak;

then we'll skip and dance all the day long."

Psalm 90:12, 14 MSG

We began our morning together with me crying as He held me close, His head pressed against mine. I believe it is true that He collects our tears in bottles. I am studying Isaiah, and as we began our daily walk the promise of the prophesy of our soon-coming King with His worldwide rule and reign is being proclaimed. In spite of the advancing enemy armies, Judah remains strong in her trust in God, even as the dust clouds form in the distant horizon announcing the approach of the enemy armies. How many times does God tell us not to trust in "horses and chariots" or to put our trust in feeble flesh, turning to man for answers only He can supply. As the commentator says "Faith is dead to doubt, dumb to discouragement, blind to impossibilities." How many times have I spoken of the impossible becoming reality?! In Chapter 31 of Isaiah while some are putting their hope in the help of Egypt and their supposed human strength, this is what God says:

"When a strong young lion stands growling

over a sheep it has killed, it is not frightened by

the shouts and noise of a whole crowd of shepherds.

In the same way, the Lord of Heaven's Armies will come down 

and fight on Mount Zion. The Lord of Heaven's Armies will hover

over Jerusalem and protect it like a bird protecting its nest.

He will defend and save the city; he will pass over it and rescue it."

Isaiah 31: 4-5

He goes on in chapters 32 - 34 to give more hope to His people, and it extends to us today, those who are truly called by His name. Those who have been en-grafted into the Vine. We who are part of the Royal Priesthood, His Holy Nation. Finally, in chapter 35 He promises this:

"With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands,

and encourage those who have weak knees.

Say to those with fearful hearts,

'Be strong, and do not fear, for your

God is coming to destroy your enemies.

He is coming to save you.'

And when he comes, he will open the eyes of

the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf.

The lame will leap like a deer, and those who

cannot speak will sing for joy!

Springs will gush forth in the wilderness,

and streams will water the wasteland. 

The parched ground will become a pool,

and springs of water will satisfy the thirsty land.

Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish

where desert jackals once lived.

And a great road will go through that once deserted land.

It will be named the Highway of Holiness.

Evil-minded people will never travel on it.

It will be only for those who walk in God's ways;

fools will never walk there.

Lions will not lurk along its course,

nor any other ferocious beasts.

There will be no other dangers.

Only the redeemed will walk on it.

Those who have been ransomed by the

Lord will return. They will enter Jerusalem singing,

crowned with everlasting joy.

Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and

they will be filled with joy and gladness."

Isaiah 35:3-10

My anger that turns to fear has lifted, and I am once more resting in the arms of my loving Savior who gives me hope for my future, hope for my children, grand-children, and great-grand-children. I have only to keep my eyes on Him and His promises. So do you. While it is easy, so easy to become overwhelmed in this modern day life with its mayhem, tragedy, and horrors, we need to remind ourselves that He is in control. It is senseless to stay up all night struggling to catch ahead of impossible demands and threats. I have nothing to fear. My work speaks for itself, and if I fall behind, perhaps someone will take notice, and maybe, just maybe the insanity will cease! It seems doubtful when the dollar sign is the driving force behind every decision where "respite, integrity, commitment and caring" should be the only force that fuels one's fire. It makes me sad to see the low morale of my esteemed colleagues who stand so valiantly for the rights and human dignity of others, yet the battle looms in all places, and we have to stand strong and hope! The battle is His. I pray we can remember and trust Him at His word. I pray I can remember and smile again.

 

 

 

Beautiful in Time

He has made everything beautiful in its time.

Ecclesiastes 3:11

I battle depression. There are some mornings when it takes everything inside of me to walk the few yards to my office at the opposite end of the house, where I remain imprisoned until I schedule periods of freedom. I travel most of the time, almost every day. These times are the better parts of my day, because I am actively helping someone, energetically involved in doing what I do best - problem solving and advocating for people's rights to receive the health and personal care they need to live viable and productive lifestyles and receive the respect and dignity they deserve. I am actually doing what I was born to do, because God has given me His love and a passion for serving others. I am compelled by His love, driven by His passion. But it does come with a high price.

For everything we know about God's love is 

summed up in a single sentence: 

Love others as you love yourself. 

That's an act of true love.

Galatians 5:14

Most days I feel free, act free, spiritually I am free! The feelings of brokenness do not come from a lack of faith, but as a test of my faith. My response to these trials and challenges is witnessed by everyone in whom I come in contact, and my actions will either teach them to overcome or be overwhelmed. Hopefully, I show others how to live victorious lives in Jesus rather than the other, but then everyone becomes overwhelmed in life today. Everything is so fast-paced with seconds to decide things, so we all get caught up in the cycle at times. But on a daily basis if we choose to focus on doing the best with what we have, we can overcome anything. 

My true test of faith to which I alluded in the first paragraph is regarding the answers to my prayers. I have asked God for two specific things. First, I want to be unoffendable, and second, I want my heart to be broken for what breaks His. So, God's just allowing some things to pass my way...a few fires, floods, and sifting. This time it happens to be health.

May you have the power to understand, as all God's

people should, how wide, how long, how

high, and how deep His love is.

Ephesians 3:18

I do know and understand His love for me, as much as possible with a finite mind and a limited ability to comprehend. I realize He is pursuing me with a passionate and possessive desire, because He has a plan for my life that extends into a realm I am unable to imagine. Just as God pursues me so does the enemy who is obsessively and voraciously seeking to steal my joy and rob me of my peace. I must endure the hardships before I can continue on the next leg of the journey. God is patient, yet I know the urgency of the hour.

"Today, see if you can stretch your heart and

expand your love so that it touches not only

to those to whom you can give it easily,

 but also to those who need it so much."

Daphne Rose Kingma

As an adolescent I suffered from severe, chronic migraine headaches almost on a daily basis. I became a guinea pig for modern medicine. I remember being prescribed Serotonin re-uptake inhibitors in an effort to help control the headaches. Today researchers have seen a correlation between this neurotransmitter and depression. Back in the day, my day, research was not as diagnostic as today with all the advanced technology. So I learned to cope. I learned to live normally. I also had my mother as the driving force behind my not giving up, no matter how sick I became. Consequently, I rarely missed school due to illness. I have taken this resolve with me through my entire life, up to this moment. It has been quite the ride, and it's not over, as I struggle through the ongoing pursuit of my enemy. Loving people who are on a path of self-destruction can be difficult as test subjects in my training, especially one who is the cause of my daily struggle with chronic pain. Brain injuries are not fun at any level of the damage, because you become a person with conflicted reactions. Because of my training and God's slowly, cautiously reminding me of events I chose to forget and apply them to people I help, I am beginning to understand causes and effects of this injury and the cumulative effects of the other head injuries sustained in my life. I think knowing helps, but it is an emotional time for me, and it involves facing things in my past that my mind blocked out so I could survive.

Going back to my previous thought, showing and feeling love for certain people can seem impossible on days the job is particularly stressful and draining, yet I do pray, and I take things one step at a time, one moment at a time. I keep lots of reminders and a daily calendar, so I will not forget. I also set tasks, goals and interventions. It works for me. I likewise remind myself that my age is of little relevance in my plight. I will fly free of prejudice. Again, cause and effect has the upper hand, but only as a point of reference.

Do not set your mind on high things, but associate

with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion....

If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live

peaceably with all men.

Romans 12:16, 18

Satan knows our Achilles heel, our place of vulnerability, and he uses it in ways I never dreamed possible. This is the place I find more challenging and rightly so. "Do you trust Me?," He asks me again. "Yes, I know You are trustworthy. I know You love me. Yes, I trust You." This is enough for

Him. He's just that way, you know. So off we go on the next path down the rocky road of healing. Perhaps you struggle with trusting Him. We all flounder, but He loves us still. This gives me pause to remind myself again of Brennan Manning's words:

"In the thirty-three years since I was first ambushed by Jesus in a little chapel in the mountains of Western Pennsylvania, and the literally thousands of hours of prayer and meditation, silence, solitude in those years, I am now utterly convinced that on judgment day the Lord Jesus will ask one question and only one question, "Did you believe that I loved you. That I desired you. That I waited for you day after day. That I longed to hear the sound of your voice." The real believers will respond and say,

"I believe in your love, and I tried to shape my life as a response to it." But many of us who are so faithful in our ministry, our practice, church going will answer, "Well frankly, no Sir, I never really believed it." And there is the difference between the real believers and the nominal Christians that abound in our churches across the land. No one can measure like a believer the depth and intensity of God's love. But then again no one can measure like a believer the effectiveness of our gloom, our pessimism, our low self-esteem, our self-hatred and despair that block God's way to us. And you see now why it is so important to lay hold of this basic truth of our faith? Because you're only going to be as big as your own concept of God. We make God in our own image, and He winds up being as fussy and rude and narrow-minded, judgmental and legalistic, and unloving and unforgiving as we are. I've been in churches in Bangor, Maine, Miami, Seattle, San Diego and St Louis, and honest to God of so many Christians I meet is too small for me, because He is not the God of the word, He is not the God who is revealed in and by Jesus Christ who at this moment comes to your seat and says, "I have a word for you. I know your whole life story. I know every skeleton in your closet. I know every moment of sin and shame, dishonesty and degraded love that darken your past, and right now I know your shallow faith, your feeble prayer life, your inconsistent discipleship, and my word for you is this: I dare you to trust that I love you, just as you are, not as you should be, because none of us are as we should be."

Today I've set the standard high, yet I am already sapped of any energy I had on reserve, and all I really want to do is sleep. Escape into my dreams...and yet, He calls me back to awareness. I see His smile, feel His touch, and He gets me going. Always.

"Love is a great thing, an altogether good gift, the only thing

that makes burdens light and bears all that is hard with ease.

It carries a weight without feeling it, and makes all

that is bitter sweet and pleasant to the taste."

Thomas A Kempis