Thoughts

Sometimes my heart is so heavy that my pen explodes, but I will not apologize for sharing my feelings, my faith, and the hope within me. I seek to judge no man, or woman, I only use my life and what God is teaching me, showing me, how He is leading me and healing me as examples from one who has failed Him repeatedly, yet He loves me still. In my writings I try to transparently live my life so all will see the true faithfulness of a loving Father who hears our every prayer. I want anyone who reads my blog to understand that just like everyone else, perhaps more, I am a work in progress. My life has been a series of ups and downs, in and outs, but I do know that God has been walking right beside me all the way, or I would never have survived. As I struggle through each day of my present dark night of the soul, He is healing me.

I began to blog because I am a writer, and it was an avenue, a testing ground. I needed to see if I had anything worth saying that had never been said before. Certainly God's word is not new, but the revelation each person receives from reading and re-visiting the scriptures is unique and always fresh. I become inspired, and the hope spills out onto the page. I love it when the lights come on in my head, and I finally understand what I have been missing. But, while I write for me, why do I post it? Am I looking for approval? In a way, perhaps, as I believe we all desire to do well and touch someone. I do hope I can encourage someone who is struggling not to give up. Or someone who has lived with guilt and shame to understand it's okay to talk about it. I want people to really see and understand that they are loved, special, and have something to offer the world. This is where my concept for the Island of Misfit Toys enters into the plan. I want to give back, walk beside, and encourage anyone who needs it. Anyone who feels desperately alone in this world, who has given up on life. I am not the miracle worker, but I know who is. He can change a life. He has mine.

My role as a social servant affords me many opportunities to witness His grace and be used in small ways. But it is always about Him, never me. If someone glimpses Him through my eyes or voice I have served Him well. I need no thanks, because I am doing my job. I am passionate about service to others, yet my energy has run out. Still my weary mind continues on, and ideas are birthed through His inspired words, not anything of myself.

Today I have been reflecting on the many promises made to me. Reading through Isaiah I consider His promise of restoration, of making all things new. I trust those words, and I am counting on that hope as my family has suffered greatly for my obedience in following Christ.

Yesterday I had lunch with my two friends with whom I share a common bond, a three-ply cord. Each of us has our own unique personalities, but the differences create a symbiotic relationship. They are married, so they tolerate my wild and free spirit. Sometimes I wonder why I am part of this little circle. How do I possible "fit" considering the differences. But we have a common thread, something that links us together and makes us inseparable. There are times when I try to pull away because of my being alone while they are connected, but they have made it their solemn mission in life to draw me out of my hiding place and keep me viable. It's impossible for me to say "go away" or "not today" when someone as persistent as these two threaten to come to my home and drag me out. I always come away from our trysts feeling richer for the friendship. Admittedly however, I do often feel sad, because they have great husbands who obviously love and appreciate their brides. It's a dream that was broken for me, and it is hard to even think about my life being any different than how it is today. The hope fades after a time, and the loneliness never goes away completely. Yet I can dream.

Today I am spending the day in the quietness and confidence I feel when I rest in my True Love's arms. Is it enough, is He enough? Yes, He is for me. In Him I can be complete if I allow myself. Perhaps it was always meant to be this way for me.Today is the end of another month, and my time is short for my approaching new adventure. I feel I have accomplished little towards that goal, yet I can only focus on the day, this day, and it is enough.