Spiraling Out of Control

Last night I worked until way past midnight playing the impossible game of trying to catch up. I am so exhausted that I accomplished very little, so I finally rolled into bed around 2 am completely spent! That's a very appropriate word for my condition, because according to Webster's Dictionary it means: "used up and no longer useful," "tired and drained of energy." The question I continue to ask myself and others who are following the same pursuit of insanity is "Why?" Like it really matters to anyone other than myself or you?!

For over five months now I have been spiraling out of control, my physical and mental health becoming recklessly endangered. The work-related accident about which I have written was the proverbial last straw, yet I have still failed to see the signs! NO LONGER! I am at last fighting back.

The best part is that I can also gain ground and perspective for others while I am standing up for my rights. I feel violated in every way, and I am angry.

But the person I am, who "Linda" truly is as a child of the King does not want to be angry. God promised He would fight my battles, and He is and he has and he will continue to do so, as I put my trust in Him. We all need to take a moment to think about where we are at this time in our lives, rethink our values, and put the matter into His hands. At this writing a dear friend is in the hospital, unresponsive resting in God's arms, while his elderly wife frantically hangs on to hope. My prayer is that God tells him he still has work here to do, but even if He chooses to take this dear one home, I pray God gives his wife courage to continue to stand strong and finish the race. She is so needed here, so vital to the survival of this small area of the world. She doesn't think so, but it is so real to me. 

So many things, so many people are being stripped away from my little sphere of influence. It makes me wonder what will become of those few who remain. Will they continue to stand? Will they gain new courage and a spark of new life and energy? What will they do when first one, then another leaves? The world is rapidly changing, spinning out of control on its axis. People are discouraged, many are in despair and feel helpless, hopeless.

It's interesting. When I begin to write my blogs I always have a burst of energy for the message I am writing. Sometimes my focus remains on those first thoughts , but many times, especially here lately, God truly sends me in another direction. He's like that! He always has the first and the last words!

I woke up this morning after my crazy, senseless night feeling somewhat hopeful about having a fulfilling weekend. Star Trek opened in the theaters, so I had a plan at least for one afternoon. Then something happened to bring me back to this place I presently reside called "nightmare reality," and I momentarily became discouraged, wondering why I even try. It seems everyone I love thinks I can go on forever, while it is perfectly justified that their lives can be free and easy. They can lay around the house in their pajamas, sleep all day, do whatever it is they please. Each one is at a different stage in their lives, older or younger; yet I am expected to continue on, regardless of the fact that I am struggling and alone with two thousand miles in between us. But every day I roll out of bed, straightening my aching back, stretch my shoulders back to relieve the stress on the cervical spine, hopefully releasing the time bomb ticking in my head, regardless that my head and ears are squealing in high decibel noises threatening my sanity. On and on I could tell you what this injury has done to my body. Yet! Yet! I have not missed one day of work. So if I can crawl out of bed and to the end of the hall and work, do not tell me that you cannot get up and do the same! Generally I have become a bit more graphic in my speech when discussing this issue. As I said, I am angry!

I vacillate from positive to outraged. In the midst of my madness God speaks to me. He reminds me in Whom I have believed...! I love my Abba Father, and I don't want to disappoint Him. Let me share our morning conversation with you. Perhaps it will encourage you to know He hears our cries and sees our sorrows. He lifts our souls and frees our spirits, as we allow...!

"Let us love so well our work shall still be sweeter for our love, 

and still our love be sweeter for our work"

Elizabeth Barrett Browning

"Oh! Teach us to live well! Teach us to live wisely

and well!... Surprise us with love at daybreak;

then we'll skip and dance all the day long."

Psalm 90:12, 14 MSG

We began our morning together with me crying as He held me close, His head pressed against mine. I believe it is true that He collects our tears in bottles. I am studying Isaiah, and as we began our daily walk the promise of the prophesy of our soon-coming King with His worldwide rule and reign is being proclaimed. In spite of the advancing enemy armies, Judah remains strong in her trust in God, even as the dust clouds form in the distant horizon announcing the approach of the enemy armies. How many times does God tell us not to trust in "horses and chariots" or to put our trust in feeble flesh, turning to man for answers only He can supply. As the commentator says "Faith is dead to doubt, dumb to discouragement, blind to impossibilities." How many times have I spoken of the impossible becoming reality?! In Chapter 31 of Isaiah while some are putting their hope in the help of Egypt and their supposed human strength, this is what God says:

"When a strong young lion stands growling

over a sheep it has killed, it is not frightened by

the shouts and noise of a whole crowd of shepherds.

In the same way, the Lord of Heaven's Armies will come down 

and fight on Mount Zion. The Lord of Heaven's Armies will hover

over Jerusalem and protect it like a bird protecting its nest.

He will defend and save the city; he will pass over it and rescue it."

Isaiah 31: 4-5

He goes on in chapters 32 - 34 to give more hope to His people, and it extends to us today, those who are truly called by His name. Those who have been en-grafted into the Vine. We who are part of the Royal Priesthood, His Holy Nation. Finally, in chapter 35 He promises this:

"With this news, strengthen those who have tired hands,

and encourage those who have weak knees.

Say to those with fearful hearts,

'Be strong, and do not fear, for your

God is coming to destroy your enemies.

He is coming to save you.'

And when he comes, he will open the eyes of

the blind and unplug the ears of the deaf.

The lame will leap like a deer, and those who

cannot speak will sing for joy!

Springs will gush forth in the wilderness,

and streams will water the wasteland. 

The parched ground will become a pool,

and springs of water will satisfy the thirsty land.

Marsh grass and reeds and rushes will flourish

where desert jackals once lived.

And a great road will go through that once deserted land.

It will be named the Highway of Holiness.

Evil-minded people will never travel on it.

It will be only for those who walk in God's ways;

fools will never walk there.

Lions will not lurk along its course,

nor any other ferocious beasts.

There will be no other dangers.

Only the redeemed will walk on it.

Those who have been ransomed by the

Lord will return. They will enter Jerusalem singing,

crowned with everlasting joy.

Sorrow and mourning will disappear, and

they will be filled with joy and gladness."

Isaiah 35:3-10

My anger that turns to fear has lifted, and I am once more resting in the arms of my loving Savior who gives me hope for my future, hope for my children, grand-children, and great-grand-children. I have only to keep my eyes on Him and His promises. So do you. While it is easy, so easy to become overwhelmed in this modern day life with its mayhem, tragedy, and horrors, we need to remind ourselves that He is in control. It is senseless to stay up all night struggling to catch ahead of impossible demands and threats. I have nothing to fear. My work speaks for itself, and if I fall behind, perhaps someone will take notice, and maybe, just maybe the insanity will cease! It seems doubtful when the dollar sign is the driving force behind every decision where "respite, integrity, commitment and caring" should be the only force that fuels one's fire. It makes me sad to see the low morale of my esteemed colleagues who stand so valiantly for the rights and human dignity of others, yet the battle looms in all places, and we have to stand strong and hope! The battle is His. I pray we can remember and trust Him at His word. I pray I can remember and smile again.