"Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea!
Answer me because You are faithful and righteous.
I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember
the days of old. I ponder all Your great works. I think
about what You have done. I reach out for You. I thirst for
You as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me,
for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let
me hear of Your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting You.
Show me where to walk, for I have come to You in prayer....Teach me to
do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead
me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of Your
name. O Lord, save me. In Your righteousness,
bring me out of this distress."
Psalm 143:1-12 NLT
This evening as I sank to my knees in prayer, overwhelmed by the thoughts pressing on my brain causing me to hurl once more into the depths of regret and shame, I glanced looked down at an email a friend sent me on March 15, 2011 of a list of scriptures she was praying for me. The above prayer from Psalm 143 was included in that email. As I cried out to the Lord my eyes fell upon this portion of scripture, and I wept aloud as I read it as my prayer.
I'm not certain how this downward spiral began, or what triggered the memories once more , but it began yesterday afternoon after church. The service was wonderful, the lesson well expressed, yet I went away feeling inadequate and insignificant. My life has been broken on so many levels, and there are times when I cannot salvage even one small spark of enthusiasm for the life I am living. I cannot explain it, because it is impossible for anyone to understand something I don't even understand myself. Maybe this is why the only one with whom I truly feel at ease in discussing my feelings is Jesus. He knows all about my feelings, as He's encountered every obstacle, been through every fire and flood, and He's been betrayed, discouraged, and alone. All the things I am feeling. It's not the first time, and I know I will have to face more demons as I follow His leading. Sometimes the loss is too much to bear, but then Jesus knows those feelings as well. There is a cost to discipleship.
As the year quickly progresses and the end of 2016 is a few short months away, my plans seems so unreasonable, and I wonder whose voice I heard when I made this decision. Doubts flood in once more, and confusion sets in. Why is it so hard to just let go and trust?! Why do I allow myself to get to this place of uncertainty. The voices are deafening, and peace is so hard to find.
I was reading an article from (in courage) a blog I follow called "How We Can Beat the Lies," that describes feelings of not being "smart enough," feelings of not being "good enough," or feelings of inadequacy. These are lies we listen to that tempt to distract us from the work God is actually accomplishing in and through us. Of course satan wants to discourage us any way he can, and his attacks are on the verge of a miracle happening in your life or the life of someone for whom you are standing in prayer. We are warriors, stalwart in our faith, and he doesn't like that. We get in his way, so he fights back with a vengeance. That's just the way he is. But guess what! God is greater, and He has all things concerning us under control. No need to fear. That's the way HE is.
So whose voice will I follow? God's, naturally, because He's my true deliverer. But it's more than just making a statement about a situation. It's a life choice, a way of life, a way of meeting each obstacle, every decision that smacks us in the face at the times when we are the most vulnerable to criticism. For me it gets easier if I just stop, consider, and rest. But even then the peace and rest do not come easily. My life has always been a tug-of-war, but that's okay. I am assured of His Ever Presence in my life, especially when I do not sense it. I don't go by what I see or feel tangibly speaking, although that would be nice. Rather, I go by what I know about His character, especially when it concerns me. As I've said before, He is tested, tried, and true.
All of the above thoughts were written last Sunday. Monday brought a new set of adventures as I realized my brain still was not healed from injuries in March. It is so disconcerting to get lost in an area you lived in for ten years, a blink of a town that I pedaled numerous times on my bike. But just in a wink of time my memory blanked, and I didn't know which way to go as I was headed out of town. I find this happens when a memory is triggered, but who really knows until it happens to you.
Fortunately I am me again, so yesterday when I was maneuvering the side streets of Santa Fe, another city I know well, I was able to find my way without confusion. I feel like a fighter whose had one too many blows to the head. Today I am battling "the headache," but at this moment only pressure and the "noises" remain. Life has its spins.
Many things are filtering through my brain today, but thankfully I can focus on doing what I need to do. Sundays are dedicated to listening and reflecting as I crawl into the arms of my Lord. He doesn't require anything of me except trust. So on the eve of another work week I can rest knowing that whatever comes my way this week, He's already on top of it, and I don't need to strive. As I'm writing these words I hear a song playing fainting in the background:
I try to fit You in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep You safely in between the lines
I try to put You in the box that I've designed
I try to pull You down so we are eye to eye
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
Just a whisper of Your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead?
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When You're the one who made me from the dust
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
You set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to be
And You're holding on to me
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
You will always be the King of the world
But even if You don't I pray
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
Help me want the Healer
More than the healing
Help me want the Savior
More than the saving
Help me want the Giver
More than the giving
Oh help me want You, Jesus
More than anything
You know more than anyone that my flesh is weak
And You know I'd give anything for a remedy
And I'll ask You a thousand more times to set me free today
But even if You don't I pray
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
When I am desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done
When I am desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
So whose voice will I follow? God's, naturally, because He's my true deliverer. But it's more than just making a statement about a situation. It's a life choice, a way of life, a way of meeting each obstacle, every decision that smacks us in the face at the times when we are the most vulnerable to criticism. For me it gets easier if I just stop, consider, and rest. But even then the peace and rest do not come easily. My life has always been a tug-of-war, but that's okay. I am assured of His Ever Presence in my life, especially when I do not sense it. I don't go by what I see or feel tangibly speaking, although that would be nice. Rather, I go by what I know about His character, especially when it concerns me. As I've said before, He is tested, tried, and true.
All of the above thoughts were written last Sunday. Monday brought a new set of adventures as I realized my brain still was not healed from injuries in March. It is so disconcerting to get lost in an area you lived in for ten years, a blink of a town that I pedaled numerous times on my bike. But just in a wink of time my memory blanked, and I didn't know which way to go as I was headed out of town. I find this happens when a memory is triggered, but who really knows until it happens to you.
Fortunately I am me again, so yesterday when I was maneuvering the side streets of Santa Fe, another city I know well, I was able to find my way without confusion. I feel like a fighter whose had one too many blows to the head. Today I am battling "the headache," but at this moment only pressure and the "noises" remain. Life has its spins.
Many things are filtering through my brain today, but thankfully I can focus on doing what I need to do. Sundays are dedicated to listening and reflecting as I crawl into the arms of my Lord. He doesn't require anything of me except trust. So on the eve of another work week I can rest knowing that whatever comes my way this week, He's already on top of it, and I don't need to strive. As I'm writing these words I hear a song playing fainting in the background:
King Of The World
by Natalie Grant
I try to keep You safely in between the lines
I try to put You in the box that I've designed
I try to pull You down so we are eye to eye
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
Just a whisper of Your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead?
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When You're the one who made me from the dust
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
You set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to be
And You're holding on to me
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
You will always be the King of the world
But even if You don't I pray
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
Help me want the Healer
More than the healing
Help me want the Savior
More than the saving
Help me want the Giver
More than the giving
Oh help me want You, Jesus
More than anything
You know more than anyone that my flesh is weak
And You know I'd give anything for a remedy
And I'll ask You a thousand more times to set me free today
But even if You don't I pray
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
When I am desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done
When I am desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done
(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
Thanks for the reminder!
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