Disparities in my life create unceasing turmoil, yet at the same time I feel an underlying sense of calm. I have described my life as a conundrum, and trying to understand the complexities is mind-blowing. Yesterday while listening to a brief news spot on KLOVE one of the reporters disclosed interesting research information relating to the differences in how the brain of man and a woman function. It seems women were found to be more complicated than men. This is not a surprise as I often debate with the Lord regarding the scriptures relating the strength of men, because clearly He must be describing physical or brute strength. Sorry, guys but research is a trustworthy reference, and although you probably won't admit it, this is true. But, we won't debate.
The beginning of the week was a mix of struggles and hope. Tuesday a friend told me that her daughter wanted to know when she could bring her children over to my house. This brought back memories of little children asking their mother if they could go to Linda's house and play. I imagine this is God's way of reminding me that I still do serve a purpose in encouraging children. On the flip side is the sadness I feel in remembering that my grandchildren used to come to my house when they were young, but now I never see them. I also have great-grandchildren whom I have yet to meet. This had been my hope for this year, but it never seemed to work out. Somehow, I wonder, am I to find peace in the fact that I may never know them? Perhaps this is why God in His mercy and great love allows friends to share their young ones with me. Still my heart aches.
Jesus loved little children. This is evident in Matthew 19:14, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." This gives me pause to reflect on my life and the little ones who have been part of my life and ministry. It also makes me remember my children's exposure to my "childish" imagination and sense of wonder that continues to follow my way of thinking. Perhaps being damaged as a child I somehow knew a way to shelter and protect them. Memories can be horrifying, but others provide healing and closure, and I believe this is why I am being allowed to remember. It also opens doors for helping others get through some pretty touch places. Empathy and understanding accomplish more, but listening works so much better. Being damaged has its merits. I feel encouraged and strengthened somehow, and I want to share this discovery with other who are going through their dark places.
Last night I received a call from my daughter who has struggled the majority of her life with illness and pain. Her emotional and mental distress are unending, yet spiritually she continues to place her hope and trust in Jesus. I must believe her stand will pay off in the end, as I want to see her happily living a quality life. Her present challenges reach so much more deeply than my broken heart can go, and the mental perplexity of the situation is beyond any human reasoning. But God knows, He hears, and He responds, even when cries for help fall on deaf ears and hardened hearts. In spite of trials we laughed over silly things, and again, I wondered about my childish ways of bringing relief to her sad and lonely heart. At least the memories made us laugh, then laugh some more. Sometimes I think we must have multiple personalities, but I can only pray I gave them the best part of who I am and the One I love. I know this is what keeps my sons and daughter strong and unyielding to defeat. The enemy has tried to take their lives more than once, but thankfully, his lies and deception did not win. I praise God for those victories!
Today I have errands to run, and to be honest, I have little strength of heart to leave this house. I would much prefer to sit in Jesus' lap all day and listen. But life awaits outside my doors, and I must be about my Father's work, because every day is mission if we see it as such. A day to bring Him glory, even in our times of darkness, we can choose to follow the light.
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