A Little Crazy

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Chili Davis

When I was I kid there were a few things I loved to do to while away the minutes or to escape difficult places of the heart. I have always been an adventuresome person so following railroad tracks deep in the woods and climbing trees in wait for hobos to disembark the train, as my mama warned would happen, was a risk I dared to take. Since I loved to be outdoors I loved to go bike riding and roller skating to escape the confines of my heart. Coloring has always been a way to soothe my frustrations and drawing or writing so my imagination could be released on paper! When I consider it now I realize that I really haven't changed that much. My child still lurks within.

Creative people are generally pretty sensitive beings. Being poetic in nature and dauntless in spirit present a dangerous pair. Riddle it with compassion and humility and it takes another twist in the plot of how life pans out in the end. I'm learning that I love color, vibrant and melodious at the same time, the unspoken love songs ripple across the skies and all creation.

I've made mention before that I am a dreamer, and I have set high hopes for the things that I want to do or feel called to do with the life that remains. I've been reading my Chicken Soup for the Soul Guided Journal again. Today my activity was to Color Your Feelings. I was given words with boxes, and I had to color each one box the color expressed by the feelings I was experiencing. I found that as I colored each box, there was a mixture of feelings within the feeling except for one.  So, let me explain my boxes:

The original box for "Focused" I colored a lime green which I later bordered with a deeper green. I figured that I needed a strong boundary drawn around my perimeters to ensure I remained focused. The next one was "Empowered," and I colored a rich deep blue in that box with shades of deeper blue for energy. "Joyous" was not a problem as there was no contest...it had to be bright yellow, bursting with life. Next, "Calm" I colored a maroon red, as I did not have a brighter pencil, but the idea is color radiates and enlivens bringing tranquillity. "Inspired" was colored purple, then I added a little empowerment or blue spikes. "Hopeful" was another shade of blue, more subdued in color than "Empowered" with bits of "Focused" and "Calm" splattered around the edges.

The less optimistic of feelings were more difficult for me, as I have not totally succumb to these feelings. "Nervous" I colored half and half with an orange-yellow and the other half brown. The idea was that whereas my Joy was being stolen it could not be completely ripped away. The brown was just a deeper shade of the orange-yellow. I imagine I could have added the remaining bits of "Calm" to indicate that my peace was in jeopardy but not completed stolen. Then "Depressed," a feeling I understand. This should have been colored a cacophony of blends of feelings, but I simply chose gray with black borders and spikes. I think the colors speak for themselves, obviously. Although there's definitely a struggle to give in, the color never darkens to black.

The last feeling is "Apathetic," and although I am challenged to give sway to this feeling all the time, the truth is that I never can. To become apathetic one would become uncaring, and this simply is not who I am. I care deeply about everything. I colored it a pale shade of brownish-yellow with some gray along one corner. I imagine I colored it like that to indicate feelings of wilted joy with depression could lead to a state of apathy if allowed to remain in one's heart. I hope I never cross that color line.

So you get the idea of feelings and color? I thought it was an interesting exercise that helped me to see where my perspective on things rests today. I'm glad I'm not a solid color sort of character, that my life has sparks of boldness and creativity. And the thing I liked about the idea is that I find my life has purpose and life. So many people succumb to the dark areas of there lives, when we should always reach out to embrace the color.

I was explaining yesterday to someone that in my personal research I have found the power in bright colors and brain stimulation. Colors that are bright and alive like the sun bursting through clouds of impending storms offering the promise of fairer weather on the horizon. Using our eyes as pilots to steer us through the darkness of the storm into the colors of day cause us to break through with laughter and smiles into hope. Hope then leads to a joyous arrival on the other side. Making it through safely to the light of a new day of hope.

It's just an exercise, but it makes sense to consider the possibilities in impossibilities. At least I think so, but then I am the dreamer of crazy ideas!  Ideas that just may bear fruit for the day!

The Battle Continues

Today I am feeling the heartache of betrayal once more. It seems to be a daily event these days. This one cut a bit more deeply, as my one consistent support was ripped away yesterday afternoon. This past year has been devastating for me as I have stood alone in a battle of which I never asked to be a part. The stand has cost me everything.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, but I still will not waver in my belief that God is in control. I may not see His hand at work, or understand why things happen and continue to change, but I do know in my heart, as broken as it is, that my God loves me, and whatever happens He will be with me.

Many friends I care about have felt the sharp pangs of betrayal, and I imagine it is only the beginning as the time approaches for the return of our Lord. This has been prophesied, and our only security is in our relationship with Jesus. I find myself thinking about Job in the Bible, and the things he endured. The length of time he suffered is not really clear, but what is clear is that he never gave up. There were times of weakness when he cried out to God wondering why, but he never took his wife's negative stand, and he didn't let  his so-called friends get the best of him. As it turns out God asks Job to pray for his accusers. He also firmly asked Job who he was to question Him.

I cannot begin to understand the whys and wherefores of this present place I am in, but I have to believe that I will become a stronger person, more like my Jesus, who truly gave everything to stand in our place and die so we could live.

My elderly friend's husband died this week on the second anniversary of the passing of their daughter. This couple met in high school and had a fairy tale marriage up until a few years ago when age and circumstances began to force a change. Now my dear friend has lost her soul mate, and she wants so much to join him. She feels she has nothing left to give. I told her I could not begin to imagine how she must feel, as I never had that kind of a relationship, and now I never can. That's because their marriage spanned a lifetime, til death do us part. That's a beautiful legacy of love few ever truly share. What a blessing in a time of intense loss and sorrow.

All around us is discord and malcontent in one way or another. The answer for most is more money to fix things, but money is not the answer to the world's problems any more than possessions we have acquired. The answer for the problems, the heartache and disappointments is Jesus. I posted a song recently written by John Lennon called Imagine, about a world where there was no war or famine or sadness, people living together in harmony. The lyrics are idyllic and peaceful. They sound like my idea of heaven:

"Imagine"

Imagine there's no heaven
It's easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people
Living for today... Aha-ah...

Imagine there's no countries
It isn't hard to do
Nothing to kill or die for
And no religion, too
Imagine all the people
Living life in peace... You...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will be as one

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can
No need for greed or hunger
A brotherhood of man
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world... You...

You may say I'm a dreamer
But I'm not the only one
I hope someday you'll join us
And the world will live as one 

 

 

I'm a dreamer, so I understand the concept of the song written from the heart of a man who wanted only peace in his life. That's not any different than any of us dreamers really. I dream of a life where people care about each other, support, and help others. Someone to put their arm around a friend and just be there. It's not that hard, but it requires time, and we have all grown so jealous of our time. We hold onto it, because we are barely living life now. We waste more time than live it as we are engaged in the relentless pursuit of making ends meet. Families do not know each other, husbands and wives never have a moment just to be a couple. Something needs to change, and this is what I am trying to do with my life. I guess that threatens the enemy, although I cannot understand why he bothers with someone so insignificant as me. It doesn't really matter, as regardless of what he does or doesn't do, I will not back down. I believe in heaven on earth, and one day I will see it.

Thoughts from Saturday

In times of uncertainty when our answers are not yet seen, why do we still cling to man-made religion and ideologies rather than seek the Author of Truth? Do we think the God of all creation is limited in His ability to speak that we need to be herded like dumb sheep stumbling in the dark? Do we have such a shortage of time that we can't wait before our Lord to listen for the still small voice? His voice is the only one I am desperate to hear.

Many things distress me about the current affairs of my life. I've been criticized, ostracized, shunned, persecuted, and recently told off by someone I was attempting to help. I have been the whipping post for angry people way too many times, and regardless of the fact that my God always vindicates, the wounds heal slowly. Words cannot be taken back which is exactly why we are warned to guard our speech. I'm not talking about wounds of a friend, because quite honestly when I needed friends none were to be found. I've had plenty of judges, juries, and executioners, but true friends, no. Still, regardless of the way I have been hammered, I'm not angry. I feel compassion and pity for my persecutors who need a touch from Jesus so badly.

I'm a student of the word, and each year as I read through the Bible, I find a fresh word from the Lord each day. We never stop learning, or at least I never do. This is why it bothers me when someone I know, enthusiastically returning to church after years of not feeling the need, comes to me with new discoveries saying "I thought I knew everything about the Bible." What he shares and the condemnation directed to others, including myself, saddens me. Quietly I listen as he expounds his new-found doctrine, totally missing the point. While he's speaking, I cry out to Jesus asking how to direct him, not wanting to dash a new-found zeal for God's word. When the time is right I speak, and this is when his expression changes, and he asks where in the Bible my response can be found.

When I'm in a quandary about anything I prefer to go to the One with true answers. I've been in many services where the power of the Holy Spirit has been so strong, but conviction is gentle and repentance is heartfelt. There is no condemnation to those in Christ Jesus. He doesn't hammer us over the head and say it's this way or the highway, no! He is gentle and gentlemanly speaking to our hearts.

How do we miss the words of Jesus spoken as He is departing this earth? His direction to we who believe is the same today as to those watching Him as He ascended to heaven to take His place at the right hand of Our Father. Go into the world and tell others about the good news! He didn't say go out into the world and cause division in churches and families, and yet this is what is happening. In fact it was prophesied that in the end times this would happen.

My own child was deceived into believing that her baptism was not good enough. That she had to belong to a certain church, read a certain version of the Bible, and several other conditions before she was acceptable to God. Everyone else was lost to include me. I was told that although I dressed like a woman my hair needed to grow out, and I had to be baptized by a certain church in order to be saved. Others are told what to eat or not to eat, what day to worship God, and what holidays are holy. I'm actually seeing these divisions the Jesus speaks about happening in families and churches over these doctrines of man and errors in judgment. All the while satan smiles.

God has spoken over and over again that if one is truly seeking Him, He will be found. If this doesn't convince you, then read Romans 14, 1 Corinthians 13, and the four gospels of Jesus Christ.

Where I am Today

I received a message yesterday from a friend saying my blogs are missed and asking if I was still writing. It is encouraging to know that someone is inspired by the words I pen.

For some time now...years actually, I have been struggling through the greatest battles of my life, but 2016 brought unimaginable misery, pain, and betrayal. There are days when I don't think I can endure another moment, but God in His faithfulness sends me strength through scripture, song, or the voice of another. For several weeks now I have been posting the daily scriptures from my Christian radio station onto my Facebook page in the hope that someone who needs that word and the strength it brings will read it. Life gets so hard, and sometimes we think God doesn't hear us or is too busy to care about us. But that is simply not true. He always listens, and He loves us uncompromisingly so. We just cannot see past the pain we feel at the time.

My sister gave my younger son a copy of Oswald Chamber's great classic My Utmost for His Highest as a Christmas gift. I told him that I would read through my copy as he reads his in the hope we could discuss what the Lord is saying to us. My copy of the book is well-worn as I used it as part of my daily devotionals for years. I have several of Chamber's books, as he was so stoic in his faith and his unwavering trust in His Father. Some of the messages are hard to swallow at times, especially when you feel you've been wrung out to dry. Then Chamber's writes about being "offered up" to God as a sacrifice.

I want my life to be an offering unto the Lord, and the only desire I have is to please Him, my Abba Father. When I say the words "I don't know what I would do without Him," they are not idle words to me. I truly do not think I could last another moment without knowing that I have a Father who loves me, watches over me, and keeps me safe. He is interested in everything I do, and He wants to bless me beyond my wildest imaginings. Still, since He spoke to me in 2012 before my daddy passed away to join my mama in heaven, my life has been a perpetual roller coaster ride through the severest of storms and fires.

There are days I don't want to get out of bed, but I do. I get up, bathed and dressed ready to go forth in my day come what may. The past two years have brought the greatest amount of change since 2013, and I don't mean our new President. Let me just say that if you are reading this blog you need to understand that God put President Trump and Vice President Pence in office for such a time as this, and we need to put aside our petty grievances and pray for his strength and wisdom to help this nation and this world. These protests demonstrate the depravity of the world situation, and they are a disgrace to this nation and show disrespect towards our leadership.

Recently I have watched as dedicated, loyal workers have been shoved aside and told their services are no longer needed. Just being around for the repercussions of that action shows that the decision was not well thought out, in my humble opinion, as I am experiencing the brunt end of it as are those who walk in the same shoes. The impossible has now become the inconceivable. Still, as I continue, doing the absolute best I can, God gives me strength for the day.

My life has become so loud and the noise so deafening, pain so exhausting and debilitating, and the betrayal so disheartening, that I feel like Paul when he said in 2 Corinthians 4:8-12 (The Message):

"If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, he does in us—he lives! Our lives are at constant risk for Jesus’ sake, which makes Jesus’ life all the more evident in us. While we’re going through the worst, you’re getting in on the best!"

I have heard it said many times that satan battles the hardest before a victory is won, and I sincerely pray and hope with all that is within me that this is a true statement. Still, as Chambers says regarding offering our lives to Jesus: "God puts you through the crisis in private, no one can help another. Externally the life may be the same; the difference is in will. Go through the crisis in will, then when it comes externally there will be no thought of the cost." Later he adds, "The meaning of prayer is that we get hold of God, not of the answer."

There is no "formula" for making it through the fires and flames, but He asks us to trust Him. At least those are the words I hear daily, "Trust Me," so I am even with fingernails gripping the edge of the precipice, I will trust Him. I am also making it a daily habit to write down a blessing each day, a miracle. It's easy to miss what is right in front of us, as all life is a miracle. So, as we stand fast to our faith and our hope remember, Jesus never fails.