Meandering

There are days that I sit in judgment of myself and allow the enemy's lies to infiltrate my mind and bring back all the wrongs I've committed or the ones he dreamed up to make me believe I have done. It fails me as to why I allow this ritual to continue. Why allow tormenting spirits into my mind. How do they continually gain access to so-called holy ground. What am I doing wrong? Or perhaps I am doing something right.

I know I am not the only one who struggles with memories, but I do know I am more transparent than others, because I feel that someone may need hope I can bring them by sharing. Otherwise my writing is only for myself, but that's not an entirely bad thing either. I believe knowledge is to be shared. It's the stuff of life.

As I was reading this morning, in the margin of my Bible were written the words: "I am a photon - a wavelength of light-passing through the world." It was written near the passage of scripture in Ephesians 5:8 "Live as children of light...and find out what pleases God." I probably wrote it, but maybe I read it. Regardless, it's true, and I hope the light that passes through me is the Spirit of God's love and light. He's the only important One.

Waiting is hard. In the pages of Isaiah I find assurance that I am not alone in my struggles. I also find notations from 2016 when this battle began, but rather than believe God is making me wait, drawing out this agony and abuse, I choose to believe He is allowing me to wait in expectation of His glory being revealed in a mighty way for His purpose in fulfilling the plans He has for me.

Isaiah 31:4-5 paints a clear picture of the God of Heaven's Armies who rescues His beloved. I paraphrased it just for myself, as the Word of God is personal to each of us: "Just as a strong young lion stands growling over his prey is not shaken by the shouts of shepherds, so the Lord will come down and fight for me! He will hover over me and protect me as a mother bird protects her young. He will defend and save me. He will pass over me and rescue me!"

Chapter 32 begins: "Look, a righteous king is coming!" Then it speaks of his rule as, "shelter from the wind...a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a parched land. Then everyone who has eyes will be able to see the truth, and everyone who has ears will be able to hear it."

These are the promises for God's children. He is our defender and our peace. He who brings quietness and confidence when we trust Him. When our focus is on Him and not on horses, chariots, or influential men of this world. I hear people use this phrase about a person or situation, "He is my salvation." Even a job is considered as someone's salvation, because it gets them out of the house or pays a bill or otherwise meets a need. NO! There is only one Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, and God is the one who gives us the ability to meet our needs. Everything belongs to Him. Everything comes from Him. He is all that matters. Our focus should be on Him alone as the Author and Finisher of our faith.

I wrestle with this part as I do not want to misuse what God has gifted me. I have a compassionate heart, especially towards my children, because mothers want to "help," and we can so easily cross the boundary into enabling. My kids are survivors. They've had to be. Just as I have learned to be. But they are also generous to a fault. Just as I have been. So I don't always think I taught them well. We are told to be generous with what the Lord provides, and I have taken that literally all my life. When I give my daughter something I know full well it won't be there when I return, because she loves to bless other people. But it's more than that.

Today I read in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young "Ask my Spirit to live through you as you wend your way through this day. Hold my hand in joyful trust, for I never leave your side. The Light of My Presence is shining upon you. Brighten up the world by reflecting who I Am." The word "wend" caught my eye as I thought it was a typographical error, but as I considered the meaning I see it is appropriate to my life. To "wend" is to meander or follow a twisted, turning path to get to a certain place. I think this speaks of my life, as I certainly have not followed a path many would find enjoyable, but I am tenacious as my older son suggests. I am determined to take the road less traveled as I have mentioned in previous writings, because for me it is the only desirable journey. Has it been easy? No, certainly not! I would not have chosen it for myself, but that's the problem, I chose! In my youthful ignorance and inexperience I chose an alternate route. The important thing I have come to realize, however, is that God has been directing my life in spite of me! He never has taken His hand from me. And now, although it seems like my rescue will never come, He is in control.

I begin to dream, and a peace that surpasses all understanding comes, but soon...another tree falls to block the path, and I either stand "stuck" or I climb over the obstacle and continue on my way. I've been stuck way too many times, so finally getting to the place of pulling of my britches leg and climbing over is becoming easier. I still experience the chronic aches and pains of the experience, but I make it over to the other side and struggle on. But I am never alone. I think that's why the movie version of  The Shack speaks so loudly when God is telling Mack He never left Jesus' side when He was on the cross. The female character portraying God takes Mack by the hands as she is speaking these words, and he looks down and sees the scars of the nail wounds on God's wrists. He's with us through every challenge, every sadness, every struggle, bearing our pain. He already bore the pain, the agony, but He never suffered defeat. He won! He was victorious over the enemy and defeat! And He is the One who fights our battles. Jesus said, "It is finished!" So that settles it with me.

Cleansing, Calling, Commitment

In Chapter 6, verse 1 of the book of Isaiah he boldly states: "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw also the Lord." Oswald Chambers makes note of the following: "Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the 'passing of the hero.' Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged."

He's absolutely correct! Over the past five years alone I have experienced overwhelming losses in every area of my life, and I have felt so alone at times without family by my side. My mother's death was hard, my daddy's worse, the loss of beloved friends, and even death, shame and failure by divorce after 25 years of marriage continues to hurt beyond belief. The past two years have been the most life-defining for me as I continue to struggle against the power of evil trying to destroy my credibility and steal my peace. There are times that I succumb to the noise that pierces through my head, and I cry out for resolution, and I once more regress into the prison of depression and fear.

I don't know why things happen as they do other than to say I believe God uses all things for His good in accomplishing His purpose in our lives. I have prayed over and over to become like Jesus Christ who is humble in all ways. Repeatedly Abba brings me back to Matthew 5 and the Sermon on the Mount. I have come to realize just how must He must love me in spite of what happens to me. Why else would He speak to me daily, often in triplicate repeating what He wants me to hear for the day. And all He says to me is to focus on Him, to trust Him, and I fail so miserably. One who has done such amazing things for me and through me for others.
 

My daughter and I were recounting the amazing deeds God has accomplished in my life over the years since my divorce. I had given up my dreams for my family, moved away from my home to come to New Mexico in obedience as a wife, and help my children acclimate to a new culture. But, little did I know that my life then, that was so different from the one I felt called by God to do, would be re-directed to what He had called me to do. Although I may not be a neurosurgeon on the mission fields I have walked through the damaged minds of countless precious people including my own and have an understanding and compassion few ever realize. I may not have made it....YET...to the mission field other than Belize one summer, but I travel daily and touch lives for Christ. New Mexico has become my home and my mission field just as all backyards should be throughout the world. I may not have amassed wealth or own a home, but I am wealthy beyond comprehension in the people I am privileged to know, serve, and bless. God always restores, so as my daughter so correctly put it, I am never without.

One of the greatest challenges I have had to face has been in trying to help my son buy his home in Virginia. After years of struggle, horrible tragedy - some of his own choosing, he is at peace, and his life has taken a new turn. He is healing in spirit, soul, and mind. I feel in time his body will heal also. He still has a long road to travel, but he is at peace in my parents' home. This home is very special to him, because he know that Jesus made a physical appearance twice. Once for my mother and once to me. This house has witnessed sad times, even cruelty, yet Jesus came Himself to give comfort on two occasions. He cares that much! My son aches to visibly see Jesus, and this may not happen this side of heaven, but He is very present in our lives daily if we only take the time to "see" and "listen" and "be".  In his book My Utmost for His Highest Oswald Chambers says "Character determines revelation. Before I can say 'I saw also the Lord,' there must be something corresponding to God in my character."

Over the past three weeks I have been struggling again, because as God chooses to speak to me in triplicate, satan seems to strike the same way...to the point of pushing my nose into the dirt from every direction. Being alone becomes so abjectly alone to me, and I cry out for an end, for resolution, for a new life. Although there are times of silence, I know my Abba is always with me. I may not tangibly see or feel His Presence, but I know. And when He speaks to me through varied media and methods my heart is stirred again, and He picks me up, and I dare to go on.

Max Lucado's wonderful read, No Wonder They Call Him the Savior, recounts the message of the song written by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel called "The Boxer" about a man who was ready to give up and go home until he sees before him a fighter. The lyrics go:

"In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade,

and he carries a reminder of every blow that laid him down

or cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame -  

'I am leaving, I am leaving!' but the fighter still remains."

This message came to me as I was crying out to God to speak to me...just speak to me and tell me what to do! In desperation I cried, and He answered. As I read on, in the next few paragraphs Max asks: "Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good. Do just a little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot. Can't resist temptation? Accept God's forgiveness and go one more round. Is your day framed with sorrow and disappointment? Are your tomorrows turning into nevers? Is hope a forgotten word?"

The tears fell in torrents at that time, and through blurred vision I read..."Remember, a finisher is not one with no wounds or weariness. Quite to the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody. Mother Teresa is credited with saying, 'God didn't call us to be successful, just faithful.' The fighter, like our Master, is pierced and full of pain. He, like Paul, may even be found and beaten. But he remains. The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure (Matthew 10:22)."

It's time like these when I realize how desperately I fail Abba Father when I fail to see Him in these overwhelming situations that batter my already tired brain, and I fail to trust Him which is all He has asked of me. But dwelling on failures only aids discouragement so I choose to focus on the incredible gift of "vision" and "clarity" He has once more gifted me, and I choose to not give up and quit. I will see this battle through. After all it is not "my" battle, but His.

So, for anyone who is reading today, struggling under a heavy load, don't be afraid to ask for help. A friend once told me I was too transparent in expressing my needs, but I believe this is necessary, especially for those who follow Christ. How else can we be credible testimonies of His glory in our lives? So, take a chance and share. There's no condemnation in Christ. We can encourage and uplift one another.

The MOST important thing for me and you to remember is this:

"In all the world there is none but thee, my God,

there is none but thee."

My Utmost for His Highest

Oswald Chambers 

Dear Jesus - Day 1

The day is quietly slipping away as I sit in Your Presence. Early mornings are our best times together as I seek direction for the day. I'm learning not to hurry our times together. I need your guidance more with each passing day as the enemy tries to turn my peace into fear. I rely on Your strength to remain in control as each day presents new and impossible demands. I need to discipline my life and set boundaries, so I can get get the rest and refreshment you have for me. I need to truly trust you and not simply mouth the words. Praise needs to continually be on my lips.

Forgive me when I think Your arm's too short, and when I become ensnared by the lies and deceptions, listening to people rather than keep my focus trained on You. I know better. You have shown me Your faithfulness throughout the difficult journey of my life. Thank You for loving me, for holding my hand when I was alone and afraid, for allowing me to sit in Your lap and rest in Your grace.

As the day begins to close, and our time together slips into rest and sleep, speak to me in my dreams and prepare me for the upcoming day's challenges. Keep my mind transfixed on Your Divine Presence and Your purpose for my life. Thank You for our day together, Father. For the quiet confidence and strength to endure. Good night.