Growing in Pain

Finally, the day has arrived! As I glanced out my window early this morning, snow greeted me! I love snow, and finally, after all the waiting, we have some much needed moisture and a little fun for "we kids" who enjoy running and playing and building snowmen!! Thank you, Jesus!

Snow makes me a little skeptical about driving, so I decided to stay put and have church right here at home. Nothing keeps me from my time alone with God. In fact, I spend much time alone, but not alone, as He's a constant part of my life. Still, weekends are days I love, because I  have longer to linger and write in my journal, and to spend more time ruminating over things.

This year in my read through the Daily Walk Bible, every Sunday is the day of Reflection and Worship where I look back over the week's readings and think about the application of the messages as they relate to my life. Yesterday I posted a blog from InCourage on Facebood called "So Be It" and included my own thoughts. I wrote:

"This morning I awakened, as I have for quite some time, with a spirit of extreme loneliness. My journey has been one of constant change, and for most of it, I have traveled the path alone. As I was battling the enemy of depression that plagues me daily, I cried out to God to speak to me and direct me...to silence this enemy so I can endure. As I was sitting at the dining table, with my head on my journal, I realized that depression can often be a sign of ingratitude. If I truly mean what I say when I ask for "Only Your will not mine, Lord," then I must trust Him in all things. This blog speaks of having the courage and strength to trust God to direct our path knowing His way is best. Thank You, Father for the gentle reminder. So be it!"

While reading my Reflection and Worship, the author was relaying the choices Joseph and Moses made when they encountered their trials. "Life is a series of choices and consequences." We never know what will happen in life, and what we will be called to do in response. When we go through challenges, real pain whether emotionally or physically, we decide how we will respond. As in the situations with Joseph and Moses, do we respond with bitterness or forgiveness? anger or acceptance? self-promotion or seeking God's kingdom? self-pity or putting the past behind? or comfortable compromise or painful obedience?

I stopped by the post office here in Velarde to mail some letters, and the young postmaster, Elijah, who is a lay minster, and I began to speak about God's will and direction for our lives. There was a time he was bitter with God about the direction of his life after he returned home from active service in the military. Then, God opened a new door of opportunity to him, and now he is giving back to others all God has gifted to him. I shared with him about the decisions I have to make and the loneliness I am suffering, but I always say, and I do mean it, all I want is what God wants regardless of what happens.

My writing is another thing. God says to me "Write the story." And I say to Him, "What story?" I laughed when sharing this with Elijah, because I always used to tell the Lord that when I did "write the story" it would be called, Sifted, Soaked, and Smoked. Over the years I have started writing, stopped, started, stopped, on and on and on. Dead in the water and more discouraged. Beating myself up! Reliving the past failures of my life. And even that morning before going to the post office, I had cried out for the enemy of my soul to be silenced in Jesus' Name! Sometimes I am the enemy, because I limit myself through lack of self-confidence. As I was talking to Elijah, I told him that  I blogged, and I was beginning to understand that blogging is part of the story. I laughed again, because my best friend told me the very same thing. I wasn't ready to see it. But the story gets better.

Sunday worship for me today was joining Brian Houston at Hillsong Church online. I began his "There is More" series awhile back, and this morning I listened to Part 3: There is More - Digging Deeper. If you are stuck in a rut, make this series part of your "to do" list, as it will lift you out of your place of discouragement and place you back on your feet on higher ground. As is "His Way," the Lord was continuing my instruction on leaving the past failures behind, keeping my focus on Him rather than what is going on OR not going on in my life, and empowering me to dig deeper for the springs of living water He has prepared for my life. Brian spoke about there being power in pain, because God has a purpose in everything He allows. Whether it be physical or emotional pain from illness, grief over loss of a loved one, weakness and failure, hunger, poverty, or many, many obstacles, God has a purpose. Going back to Joseph in my study of Genesis, he told his brothers that what they did to harm, God turned around for good. Brian Houston admitted that there was a time in his early ministry when God had to humble him, but look how that has turned into a huge blessing for countless people all over the world, to include me! I have testified about that in my own life. Choices that destroyed, yet as a result, God has done miraculous things in and through me. It is only He who can do this, and I give Him glory.

Still, in my loneliness, I have this tendency to look back, beating myself up for wasted time. But truly, time has not been wasted. Just like Moses, Joseph, David, others who have gone before me...time has taught me valuable lessons, changing my perspective, bringing me back to the life God has planned for me. I see my life as a testimony of God's glory, His mercy, His grace, His miracle-working power! Pain has stretched me, grown me, made me dig deeper in living my life. I was being interrogated by a physician recently about migraine headaches I suffered most of my life, and he was confused about how I managed my life as a child, young adult, into my adulthood with debilitating headaches. My response was quite simple, I said, "I did what I had to do at the time. I survived." Afterwards, I plunged back into a huge depression, because it awakened within me memories I had buried in order to survive. I began to replay those times in my life, and how I "managed" during these physically and mentally painful periods that spanned more than fifty years. Over these fifty years I endured through high school, college, work, marriage and raising three miracle children...another story...until God miraculously delivered me from the headaches and other infirmities when I was diagnosed with yet another "what could be" debilitating condition,  and treated. Somehow in this "treatment" that was said to be ongoing for the rest of my life, God miraculously, divinely intervened, and I was pain free! Not instantly, but over a period of time. The irony in this story is that I was almost dead...or should have been...when this condition was diagnosed according to the specialist. I have to laugh as my life has been amazing!!

But can you see God in my life! Can you see Him in yours? What may seem like devastation can really be a new beginning! God has a glorious plan for our lives IF we just trust Him.

Last night I watched a movie on my Hallmark Movies Now online called "Daisies in December" about an elderly man abandoned by his family on vacation when he is placed in a senior hotel where there is full service for the elderly and infirm who cannot be left alone when the family is away. He was so bitter about a number of things, but in the midst of his mental anguish and his grief, he discovered a chance to live again. He recognized a new beginning. I don't want to spoil the movie, because it is bitter sweet in many instances, but watch it. If you are discouraged because you feel  over the hill and useless, or if you are just having a bad day, watch it, as it will lift you to greater heights!

Brian quoted T F Tenney, an apostolic minister, as saying: "God whispers in pleasure, He speaks in our consciousness, but He shouts in our pain." He called pain "God's megaphone." Prior to quoting Tenney, Brian used the word "story" in relating to our lives, so you can well imagine how I reacted to that word, "STORY!" Something like, "Okay, Lord, You have my full attention!"

The point is that just as we are relentless in many instances in our pursuit of things in life, so much more is God in His plan for our lives when we surrender! Paul could say of his thorn in the flesh in 2 Corinthians 12:6-10,

"For even if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I would be telling the truth, but I refrain from this so that no one may regard me beyond what he sees in me or what he hears from me, ⁷ even because of the extraordinary character of the revelations. Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me—so that I would not become arrogant. ⁸ I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. ⁹ But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. ¹⁰ Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong."

Job in his lengthy period of suffering hounded by well-meaning counselors: 

Job 13:15 "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him."

David in speaking of his persecution by Saul and his own personal failures said:

Psalm 119:49-50 "This is my comfort in my affliction. Your word has given me life."
Psalm 119: 67 "Before I was afflicted, I went astray. Now I keep your word." 
Psalm 119:71 "It was good for me to suffer, so that I may learn your statutes."

Brian even quoted Charles Spurgeon in saying: "I never grew in grace til I grew in pain."

As he closes, Brian speaks about "perspective." We can continue to dwell on the "harm" or we can see the "healing." We can wallow in what is "against" us or we can revel in Who is "for" us! I know I have tough days ahead still, as I live with the consequences of "harm" inflicted by another that has altered my life. But, as with the migraines, chronic pain, and myriads of cause and effect in my life, I am determined that I will persevere, I will continue to overcome, and I will write the story or stories as God has asked. I have already begun, and I will continue, whether in loneliness - never ALONEness, as God never leaves me - pain and mental anguish, whatever I am called to endure for my good and God's glory, I will live! He continues to humble me, show me, teach me, and love me unconditionally, and for this I am so grateful. To God be the glory!

New Year

As the New Year quietly rolled in last January I entered a  new year of testing. Today, as I retrace the path beginning last year in my Daily Walk Bible, I see no change in circumstances, but I continue to wait, hope, and trust God as He unfolds His plan for my life. It's still unclear, and at times my faith is challenged, but I continue to hold soundly to my trust in His miracle-working power in my life.

We all have a story, and every life holds purpose. Many fail to see the beauty in their lives, and an attitude of ungratefulness overwhelms. Each day is a blessing, and each day we need to express our gratitude to God for His creative genius and love displayed so amazingly in the beauty outside our windows. Even if you live in a slum, thank God for the roof over your head or the noisy rattle of the pipes that sporadically heat your home. There is always a blessing. Always. And we need to recognize it, no matter what challenges we face. In thanksgiving we release the power to receive that miracle.

Yesterday I said goodbye for the last time to a friend who passed away suddenly, unexpectedly, and in an alarming way, especially to his dear, sweet, elderly mother. He'd been sick all his life, but he never complained. Even in the worst of times he always wore a smile and embraced a positive attitude. As the priest spoke of the love of Jesus for my friend and his eternal home, he reminded us that he is now free of all pain and suffering. I could visualize  him running in the fields of heaven, the light of Christ on his face, entirely free, no longer bound to a wheelchair, and in the Presence of God. My imagination is huge, as the priest said of his own, and "seeing" this scene in heaven brought peace to all who loved my friend. Yes, we will miss him, but what peace in knowing He is at peace and rest in the Presence of our Lord for eternity.

I am reminded through scripture today that Joseph suffered greatly, but through it all our God of mercy and grace had His hand of protection on him guiding him in each trial. I noted my scribbling in the sides and bottom of the page, the underlines and stars marking certain portions. I am still struggling as I enter this new year but I fully believe that all will come to good in God's own time and for His purpose for my life, just as God had a plan for Joseph. The message is trusting, surrendering all to Him. Wednesday as I listened to the words of the song "I Surrender All" so beautifully sung by Faith Hill, I realized that I had been revisiting some things that should be at the foot of the cross. So, in the quietness of the morning, shutting out the noise in my head that relentlessly torments, I sang the words of this beautiful hymn:

All to Jesus I surrender, 

All to Him I freely give;

I will ever love and trust Him,

In His Presence daily live.

All to Jesus I surrender,

Make me, Savior, wholly Thine;

Let me feel the Holy Spirit-

Truly know that Thou art mine.

All to Jesus I surrender,

Lord, I give myself to Thee;

Fill me with Thy love and power,

Let Thy blessing fall on me.

I surrender all,

I surrender all;

All to Thee, my blessed Savior,

I surrender all.

I thank God for bringing me to a place in my life where I am totally dependent on Him. I see His works in my life, His provision, daily blessings, and His mercies new each day. As a young child I loved Him with all my heart. I loved going to church, singing in the choir, and to this day I feel the same way. I have not lived a perfect life, and as others have testified, so do I that while I may have forgotten God along the way at different times in my life, He never left my side. I strayed, but He never gave up on me or the plan He had for my life. And even during those times, I never stopped loving Him. There has always been that tenderness and longing to have Jesus close. I never stopped talking to Him, but I did not always listen. Now, I never want to hurt or exclude Him again. I will always put Him first in my life. Nothing else matters really.

As I continue to wait, I trust, I focus, and I say thank you, especially on those days where my peace is threatened and the testing great. One small step each day is all I need to make. The rest is in His hands, His time.

Think About It

I love my little church in Velarde, New Mexico! Pastor Steve has a way of taking three seemingly disconnected scripture passages, interweaving them together, to make sense not only in Biblical days but in the present age as well. Regardless of the context, he always brings light and life, and this is a very rare ability. He also teaches at the local high school, so I can imagine the knowledge and fun he brings to his students.

Today, I played hooky from church. It's one of those mornings, after an overwhelmingly stressful week, that I needed Jesus to heal my broken spirit and to help me focus on the truth of His word for my life. It was cold earlier this morning, and I was shivering, so I stayed warm under the covers and listened to a pastor share his testimony on depression. Pastor Greg Locke shared how he battled depression and anxiety, how many of the strong characters from scriptures suffered from these same feelings - David, Elijah, Paul, and Moses. He shared that's it's not easy to "explain the unexplainable" to another person, but he said that it's okay to express these feelings, and he urged us not to be alone. Many people feel that one who is depressed lacks faith, but this simply is not the case, otherwise our hall of witnesses spoken of in Hebrews 11 would be shot to pieces. No, depression comes to those who journey through life, but we need to be open, sharing with God how we're feeling and risking opening up to others. He ends by saying that people will say they understand how it feels to be broken, but unless that one has gone through it, walked that road, made that journey, there is no true level of understanding. It's okay to be broken. He ended his message with saying, "It's okay to not be okay. The middle letters of "broken" are "ok."

Pastor Greg shared one of my favorite passages of scripture from Philippians 4:6-7: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." In some of my worst moments I have experienced this peace that surpasses all understanding, and God is leading me back today.

God has a way of bringing His message home, so to speak, but it's His special way of showing me just how much He loves me and is in control of my chaotic life. My friend Sharon sent me a subscription to Rick Hamlin's devotional "Mornings with Jesus," for my birthday, and yesterday's post continued Paul's message to the Philippians in Chapter 4. God takes my favorite passages, memorized as a child and carried through adulthood. Scriptures I quote often but seem to forget about when life tends to knock me off my feet. Continuing with verses 8-9: "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy-think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me - put it to practice.. And the God of peace will be with you."

Another faithful friend, Ruth, sent me an excerpt from Max Lucado's latest book Anxious for Nothing: Finding Calm in a Chaotic World, Chapter 9: Thing About What You Think About: Your problem is not your problem, but the way you see it. Yes, you've guessed it! The very same passage of scripture from Philippians 4:8! So as I am writing in my journal, acknowledging my worries, asking Jesus to help me keep my focus and mind trained on His Word, music softly playing from my radio amplifies, and I begin to listen to a series of songs.

"...whatever is true..." Who Am I by Casting Crowns:

"Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt."

"...whatever is noble (honest)..."  If We're Honest by Francesca Battistelli:

"Bring your brokenness, and I'll bring mine
'Cause love can heal what hurt divides
And mercy's waiting on the other side
If we're honest
If we're honest."

"...whatever is right (true as a fact)..." Lord I Need You by Matt Maher:

"Lord, I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You, I fall apart
You're the One that guides my heart."

"...whatever is pure..." After All (Holy) by David Crowder Band:

"I can't comprehend your infinitely beautiful and perfect love
Oh I've dreamed dreams of majesty as brilliant as a billion stars
But they're never bright enough after all.

"You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy"

"...whatever is lovely..." Jesus Saves by Jeremy Camp:

"Free at last
Every debt has been repaid
Broken hearts can be remade
Jesus saves
Sing above the storms of life
Sing it through the darkest night
Jesus saves."

"...whatever is of good report..." Jesus by Chris Tomlin:

"There is a truth older than the ages.
There is a promise of things yet to come
There is one born for our salvation.
Jesus.

There is a light that overwhelms the darkness.
There is a kingdom that forever reigns.
There is freedom from the chains that bind us.
Jesus."

"...if there be any virtue (excellence)..." The Proof of Your Love by King & Country:

"So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love.
Let my love look like You
And what You're made of.
How you lived, how You died
Love is sacrifice.
So let my life be the proof
The proof of Your love."

"...if there be any praise..." More Than Anything by Natalie Grant:

"I know if You wanted to You could wave Your hand,
Spare me this heartache, and change Your plan.
And I know any second You could take my pain away
But even if You don't, I pray

Help me want the Healer
More than the healing
Help me want the Savior
More than the saving
Help me want the Giver
More than the giving
Oh help me want you Jesus
More than anything."


The music has now faded, and I no longer hear the songs playing softly in the background. Coincidence, you may say? Not on your life! This is the way Jesus works in my life and in yours, if you let Him. He quietly reminds us that He loves us in just the way we need at the time. He is always faithful.

New Beginning

As the old year fades into new, fresh hope for tomorrow fills our hearts. Together, as a family, much has been overcome, and the hope for a better year is breathed in prayer. Our hearts are renewed in faith in the One who holds us all together and brings all things to pass. Our church family is small in number but large in faith. The past year presented many challenges, heartaches, but as we met together on New Year's Eve, we recounted the many blessings and praised the faithfulness of our Lord.

Although I have not been diligent in blogging, I have been faithful in my journal writing, and I have made it a habit to write down at least one blessing each day. I have also tried to write down quotations that have inspired or otherwise kept me going, thinking, and evaluating my life. I read quite a bit, especially when I am trying to sort my way through troublesome times. I pick up a dear friend and re-read, reminding myself that I am never alone, and things always work out when we commit them to God.

This year, added to the one before, has been really tough for me, and I have felt isolated and alone as I endure this test. Holidays are difficult for so many people, how I well understand as I advance in age without being near family. But I also trust in the lessons I've learned, especially at those times when I am broken in body and spirit, so desperate for resolution.

There's a movie on Pureflix called "Hoovey" about a young man in high school with a bright future for a scholarship to play basketball who meets with sudden health issues that threaten to end his career. Rather than give up he chooses to face impossible odds. His strength and courage come from a higher Power, and his faith is rewarded as is the hope of an entire school. In the midst of his trial while talking to his parents one day, choosing to see the impossible as possible, he said, "It's not what happens to you, it's what you do with it." These are the words I share today.

As we enter a new year, we can choose to see the baggage of the previous one trying to limit the potential for the future, and we can either allow it to bring us down and hold us back, or we can shake it off, and begin anew. Fighting back can be hard. But when we put our faith, our hope, our trust in the One who holds the future, we do not need to fear. It's not always easy, but it brings lasting peace, and I for one need peace in my life.

My God is so faithful. The babe we celebrated only a few days ago is the Savior of the World. In the end we have nothing to fear, and the promise that all things will be made brand new. I am going to trust Him and believe in a brighter new year. May it be for you also!