Finally, the day has arrived! As I glanced out my window early this morning, snow greeted me! I love snow, and finally, after all the waiting, we have some much needed moisture and a little fun for "we kids" who enjoy running and playing and building snowmen!! Thank you, Jesus!
Snow makes me a little skeptical about driving, so I decided to stay put and have church right here at home. Nothing keeps me from my time alone with God. In fact, I spend much time alone, but not alone, as He's a constant part of my life. Still, weekends are days I love, because I have longer to linger and write in my journal, and to spend more time ruminating over things.
This year in my read through the Daily Walk Bible, every Sunday is the day of Reflection and Worship where I look back over the week's readings and think about the application of the messages as they relate to my life. Yesterday I posted a blog from InCourage on Facebood called "So Be It" and included my own thoughts. I wrote:
"This morning I awakened, as I have for quite some time, with a spirit of extreme loneliness. My journey has been one of constant change, and for most of it, I have traveled the path alone. As I was battling the enemy of depression that plagues me daily, I cried out to God to speak to me and direct me...to silence this enemy so I can endure. As I was sitting at the dining table, with my head on my journal, I realized that depression can often be a sign of ingratitude. If I truly mean what I say when I ask for "Only Your will not mine, Lord," then I must trust Him in all things. This blog speaks of having the courage and strength to trust God to direct our path knowing His way is best. Thank You, Father for the gentle reminder. So be it!"
While reading my Reflection and Worship, the author was relaying the choices Joseph and Moses made when they encountered their trials. "Life is a series of choices and consequences." We never know what will happen in life, and what we will be called to do in response. When we go through challenges, real pain whether emotionally or physically, we decide how we will respond. As in the situations with Joseph and Moses, do we respond with bitterness or forgiveness? anger or acceptance? self-promotion or seeking God's kingdom? self-pity or putting the past behind? or comfortable compromise or painful obedience?
I stopped by the post office here in Velarde to mail some letters, and the young postmaster, Elijah, who is a lay minster, and I began to speak about God's will and direction for our lives. There was a time he was bitter with God about the direction of his life after he returned home from active service in the military. Then, God opened a new door of opportunity to him, and now he is giving back to others all God has gifted to him. I shared with him about the decisions I have to make and the loneliness I am suffering, but I always say, and I do mean it, all I want is what God wants regardless of what happens.
My writing is another thing. God says to me "Write the story." And I say to Him, "What story?" I laughed when sharing this with Elijah, because I always used to tell the Lord that when I did "write the story" it would be called, Sifted, Soaked, and Smoked. Over the years I have started writing, stopped, started, stopped, on and on and on. Dead in the water and more discouraged. Beating myself up! Reliving the past failures of my life. And even that morning before going to the post office, I had cried out for the enemy of my soul to be silenced in Jesus' Name! Sometimes I am the enemy, because I limit myself through lack of self-confidence. As I was talking to Elijah, I told him that I blogged, and I was beginning to understand that blogging is part of the story. I laughed again, because my best friend told me the very same thing. I wasn't ready to see it. But the story gets better.
Sunday worship for me today was joining Brian Houston at Hillsong Church online. I began his "There is More" series awhile back, and this morning I listened to Part 3: There is More - Digging Deeper. If you are stuck in a rut, make this series part of your "to do" list, as it will lift you out of your place of discouragement and place you back on your feet on higher ground. As is "His Way," the Lord was continuing my instruction on leaving the past failures behind, keeping my focus on Him rather than what is going on OR not going on in my life, and empowering me to dig deeper for the springs of living water He has prepared for my life. Brian spoke about there being power in pain, because God has a purpose in everything He allows. Whether it be physical or emotional pain from illness, grief over loss of a loved one, weakness and failure, hunger, poverty, or many, many obstacles, God has a purpose. Going back to Joseph in my study of Genesis, he told his brothers that what they did to harm, God turned around for good. Brian Houston admitted that there was a time in his early ministry when God had to humble him, but look how that has turned into a huge blessing for countless people all over the world, to include me! I have testified about that in my own life. Choices that destroyed, yet as a result, God has done miraculous things in and through me. It is only He who can do this, and I give Him glory.
Still, in my loneliness, I have this tendency to look back, beating myself up for wasted time. But truly, time has not been wasted. Just like Moses, Joseph, David, others who have gone before me...time has taught me valuable lessons, changing my perspective, bringing me back to the life God has planned for me. I see my life as a testimony of God's glory, His mercy, His grace, His miracle-working power! Pain has stretched me, grown me, made me dig deeper in living my life. I was being interrogated by a physician recently about migraine headaches I suffered most of my life, and he was confused about how I managed my life as a child, young adult, into my adulthood with debilitating headaches. My response was quite simple, I said, "I did what I had to do at the time. I survived." Afterwards, I plunged back into a huge depression, because it awakened within me memories I had buried in order to survive. I began to replay those times in my life, and how I "managed" during these physically and mentally painful periods that spanned more than fifty years. Over these fifty years I endured through high school, college, work, marriage and raising three miracle children...another story...until God miraculously delivered me from the headaches and other infirmities when I was diagnosed with yet another "what could be" debilitating condition, and treated. Somehow in this "treatment" that was said to be ongoing for the rest of my life, God miraculously, divinely intervened, and I was pain free! Not instantly, but over a period of time. The irony in this story is that I was almost dead...or should have been...when this condition was diagnosed according to the specialist. I have to laugh as my life has been amazing!!
But can you see God in my life! Can you see Him in yours? What may seem like devastation can really be a new beginning! God has a glorious plan for our lives IF we just trust Him.
Last night I watched a movie on my Hallmark Movies Now online called "Daisies in December" about an elderly man abandoned by his family on vacation when he is placed in a senior hotel where there is full service for the elderly and infirm who cannot be left alone when the family is away. He was so bitter about a number of things, but in the midst of his mental anguish and his grief, he discovered a chance to live again. He recognized a new beginning. I don't want to spoil the movie, because it is bitter sweet in many instances, but watch it. If you are discouraged because you feel over the hill and useless, or if you are just having a bad day, watch it, as it will lift you to greater heights!
Brian quoted T F Tenney, an apostolic minister, as saying: "God whispers in pleasure, He speaks in our consciousness, but He shouts in our pain." He called pain "God's megaphone." Prior to quoting Tenney, Brian used the word "story" in relating to our lives, so you can well imagine how I reacted to that word, "STORY!" Something like, "Okay, Lord, You have my full attention!"
The point is that just as we are relentless in many instances in our pursuit of things in life, so much more is God in His plan for our lives when we surrender! Paul could say of his thorn in the flesh in 2 Corinthians 12:6-10,
"For even if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I would be telling the truth, but I refrain from this so that no one may regard me beyond what he sees in me or what he hears from me, 7 even because of the extraordinary character of the revelations. Therefore, so that I would not become arrogant, a thorn in the flesh was given to me, a messenger of Satan to trouble me—so that I would not become arrogant. 8 I asked the Lord three times about this, that it would depart from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is enough for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” So then, I will boast most gladly about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may reside in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, with insults, with troubles, with persecutions and difficulties for the sake of Christ, for whenever I am weak, then I am strong."
Job in his lengthy period of suffering hounded by well-meaning counselors:
Job 13:15 "Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him."
David in speaking of his persecution by Saul and his own personal failures said:
Psalm 119:49-50 "This is my comfort in my affliction. Your word has given me life."
Psalm 119: 67 "Before I was afflicted, I went astray. Now I keep your word."
Psalm 119:71 "It was good for me to suffer, so that I may learn your statutes."
Brian even quoted Charles Spurgeon in saying: "I never grew in grace til I grew in pain."
As he closes, Brian speaks about "perspective." We can continue to dwell on the "harm" or we can see the "healing." We can wallow in what is "against" us or we can revel in Who is "for" us! I know I have tough days ahead still, as I live with the consequences of "harm" inflicted by another that has altered my life. But, as with the migraines, chronic pain, and myriads of cause and effect in my life, I am determined that I will persevere, I will continue to overcome, and I will write the story or stories as God has asked. I have already begun, and I will continue, whether in loneliness - never ALONEness, as God never leaves me - pain and mental anguish, whatever I am called to endure for my good and God's glory, I will live! He continues to humble me, show me, teach me, and love me unconditionally, and for this I am so grateful. To God be the glory!
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