Vulnerability

Last night I had a restless night. I went to bed much later than usual, as I decided to watch a movie. I was finally able to sleep a little early in the morning, so I got up later than normal. The phone rang late morning, and conversation became strained. Now I'm sitting here at my table crying out to God my Father...help! Across the room a song softly plays on the radio:

"They say sometimes you win some

Sometimes you lose some

And right now

Right now I'm losing bad"

I think back over the conversation and past failures brought to mind. Feelings of shame and guilt begin to creep in and attempt to gain a foothold - memories. The song continues to play, as I strain to hear:

"It's easy to sing

When there's nothing to bring me down

But what will I say

When I'm held to the flame

Like I am right now.

I know You're able

And I know You can

Save through the fire

With Your mighty hand

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone."

I bring my eyes back to the pages of scripture:

For we walk by faith, not by sight.

2 Corinthians 5:7

Abba Father reminds me again of His love, and He holds me closely. "You belong to Me," He whispers, and I feel His arms of mercy and grace; His unconditional love washes over me. Remembering Jesus. I'll never forget all He's done for me. "What the enemy meant for evil, for your destruction, I redeemed for good, My child," He says.

Maybe I needed to be reminded today, as I await the celebration tomorrow of His victory on the cross over sin and death. Again, I glance down at the devotional before me:

"I think of Jesus' followers after the crucifixion but

before the third day's dawn, how bleak the world

must have seemed to them. They could not know

what the next day would bring, but their faith

sustained them during Jesus' entombment."

But I am not afraid. Isolation does not bother me, as I am alone most of the time. It's the life I have chosen to live, the call I have chosen to answer. Although I reside alone, these walls protect me, and I am blessed by the Presence of my God I love. Still, with one call, the enemy can attempt to gain a stronghold. Regardless, he is never allowed to overcome or overwhelm me for long, because I know in Whom I have believed (2 Timothy 1:12). Praise wells up within me, and I begin to worship. A smile lights my face, and I see through the clouds of depression, lies of defeat.... I remember Jesus. 

"I raise a hallelujah in the presence of my enemies

I raise a hallelujah, louder than the unbelief

I raise a hallelujah, my weapon is a melody

I raise  hallelujah, Heaven comes to fight for me!" 

I remember Jesus, always Jesus. And I am no longer afraid. My sadness subsides. Victory comes on wings of praise. 

The enemy will always attempt to bring despair and destruction to a child of God. He will remind us of our failures, inadequacies, or he'll attempt to puff us up with words of praise - pride. His schemes are endless. He tries to steal our joy, but he cannot. His days are coming to a close. Even when I find myself in this place, I always know God is near. I see Him, I feel His love. I read His words in the scriptures. I hear them in songs, songs of hope. Love sings! The promises found in the scriptures written on my heart from childhood. Who could ever doubt Your love, Father?

"If the Lord be with us, we have no cause to fear. 

His eye is upon us, His arm over us, His ear open

to our prayer - His grace sufficient, 

His promise unchangeable."

Andrew Murray