Day 38 Don't Look Back!

 

2/7/2026

"Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children

of Israel to go forward."

Exodus 14:15  

It's Saturday, the Sabbath day of rest and relaxation, and I feel as if I have completely run out of gas, and my engine is shutting down! It's so cold this morning, and I've had another restless night. But, when I opened my eyes, breathed in my first deep breath of air, I decided not to waste time lounging, instead I'd grab a cup of coffee and settle into a quiet time before I eased myself into a new day. Last night I listened as Joshua Aaron read the scriptures for the today's message, so for once I didn't have to rush to finish reading before service began. I may be a little sleepy, but I knew it'd be a good day.

Refreshed from a cup of hot, steamy hazelnut coffee and a big bowl of oatmeal loaded with raisins and dried cherries, sprinkled with cinnamon, I felt ready to meet the day. The music was softly playing, and the words "Great is Thy faithfulness" graced my ears. I love the old hymns, and this one has a special place in my heart. It seemed appropriate considering how I'd started the day in total weariness, but now I was revived and ready to focus on the message of the day.

This week our Torah reading was based on Exodus 18 when Moses' father-in-law Jethro came for a visit to bring Moses' wife and son to meet him on the journey. Bill decided to back track to last week's Torah portion beginning in Exodus 13 at the Red Sea moment in the lives of the children of Israel. Moses is trying to settle the people down, as they appear to have reached a dead end, and the army of Pharaoh was hot on their heels. But God...! God had already alerted Moses, letting him know that He had caused Pharaoh to chase after them so that He could show them once and for all that He is God! Why is it that when we launch out into the deep, faith in tact, fully trusting God, that the moment something unexpected or uncomfortable happens, we want to retreat?! That's the way it happened with the people at the Red Sea. The people were grumbling that it would have been better to serve the Egyptians than to die in the wilderness. Moses responded: "The LORD will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace." The LORD is hearing all this, so He responds to Moses:

"And the LORD said to Moses, 'Why do you cry to Me? Tell the children of Israel to go forward. But lift up your rod, and stretch out your hand over the sea and divide it. And the children of Israel shall go on dry ground through the midst of the sea."

Once more the LORD has to remind Moses of what he has in his hand - the rod or shepherd's staff. So Moses does what God says to do, and the seas part, the winds blow, and the people cross over safely, while the cloud of God's covering blinds the eyes of Pharaoh's army and holds them back. We know the end of that story, but not long after this miracle, the people will find something else to complain about, and on it goes. Our human nature says, "Won't they every learn?!" Yet are we any different, really? I know in my own life God has had to remind me to trust Him! I'm at one of those moments right now, in fact!

When unexpected things happen in our lives we begin to question and ask why? For me, I have often wondered over these four years if things were happening to me, because, once again, I did something out of His timing. But I know that's not true. But there are times that I want to go back, return to New Mexico where I had friends, a church, and I was comfortable. If something went wrong, I'd take care of it alone. I was used to that. Now, I have my son to consider, and I wonder about how things would be if he wasn't here. Prior to moving back I was alone for twenty years, but in truth I'd been alone most of my life. The point is that I was comfortable being alone, but things began to change after my daddy died, and I wondered if it was time to go home. So here I am. Things have been different, and although I enjoy the time spent with my son, it hasn't been easy. But then, following Jesus was never promised to be without challenges. 

I've been asking Abba to show me what I needed to see or understand in order to go forward instead of looking back. Why do I always think that I've done something wrong? or not heard God speak? The answer to that is probably because of my failures in life. Like the children of Israel I had launched out in boldness, courage, and self-confidence that I had not experienced in years. I always presented myself with a pseudo-self confidence, but deep down I would always questions myself. Old habits are hard to break, I guess. But here, I've had self-confidence, and it even became something I was proud about. After all, God had given me a great job, and I'd earned enough money to buy this house, paying my brother and sister their portion without having to take out a mortgage. I owned a very nice car, another gift from the Lord, and although I wasn't well off by any stretch of the imagination, my needs were met, with a little besides. I realized, as I always have, that everything belongs to God anyway, and He more than provides for my needs. We'd weathered problems with the furnace and other routine maintenance issues successfully, and we were able to go out for a meal at our favorite little restaurant just up the road once a month. We managed to sock up a little money towards a rainy day, and God was taking care of us. But I do admit that during all this I'd begin to compare myself with others and wonder what if something went wrong, what would I do? It's one thing to say I trust God, but do I really trust God?! So He decided to put me to the test to see if I'd continue forward trusting Him or want to run away. Then He made certain that I couldn't run away. It probably isn't that cut and dry, but it seemed to me to look and feel that way.

So, here I am. God provided for us to be able to put on a new roof at a wonderful price, but we had something happen we were not expecting. The car accident in early December, before Christmas. Since that happened I've been stuck. It took a month to hear anything about the car and settle things, followed by the news that my daddy's car was not able to be repaired. January brought more snow and bitter cold. Now it's February, and we haven't been able to look around very much, but thanks to the kindness of my sister and a couple of friends, we've managed to go to the grocery store and run errands. Now I realize that things could be a lot worse, but little things have become big things for me. I felt unsupported in the church I had been attending, When additional concerns surfaced regarding health issues, but my sister's kind pastor offered support. Some things have evened out, but other things have to be considered. It's never an easy ride. So here I am. Caught between the rock and a hard place. 

Today, however, I feel that I am beginning to understand what God has been trying to show me about myself, things I needed to settle within myself. Things I needed to change. And although it has been terribly humbling, these are things I have been wrestling with for some time, and I finally have more self-acceptance, because I'm not the only one God is speaking to about letting things go. We are called to surrender all to Jesus, put God first in our lives, before family, friends, anyone or anything. Pretty much this has been my life, and I've faced much criticism about it, and it has caused controversy within myself at times. I don't know where the journey will go tomorrow, but I do know there's much more I have to learn, and more areas that need straightening out. I'm willing to do whatever I need to do in order to finish the race set before me. So, I guess I'll see what tomorrow brings.