All Creation Groans

"When times are tough and the future is uncertain, 

it's always safe to trust the Lord."

The Daily Walk Bible

As I was reading my Bible this morning my mind strayed to a similar period in my life when the words "But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved by compassion for them, because they were faint and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd." (Matthew 9:36) Our nation is certainly in a place of instability as we face an uncertain future, especially considering the chaos our world is in at this time. My heart aches, yet I know in Whom I place my trust.

In yesterday's "My Daily Walk" discussion this question was posed: "'Does God have limitations?' A seminary student posed the problem to his professor: 'Can God make a rock so big that he cannot pick it up?' To which the teacher wisely responded, 'Yes...and then he would pick it up anyway.'" The commentator goes on to share this profound  truth: "God is infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty. But he does have limitations: He cannot act contrary to his promises; he will never contradict his written Word; and he will not ignore the consequences of our personal choices."

As I was reading these words my mind drifted to the consequences I have had to face for my poor choices. Nowhere in the scriptures is this truth as evident as when King David was faced with consequences to his actions on more than one occasion. And yet, God called David "the apple of His eye." That is my desire...to be so loved by God, and yet I know I am, as we all are. The commentator adds: "This explains why Jesus, the fulfillment of prophecy, God's only Son, could be rejected by Israel. God would not force the nation to accept him if it chose instead to reject him. But though the people were free to make the choice, they were powerless to escape the consequences of that choice."

In short, we will all reap what we sow. (Galatians 6:7)

For me, I battle daily with memories and loneliness, yet in the stead of this battle I have reassurance of God's love and compassion in my fellowship with the Lord. If we are honest, we all have things in our lives we regret. This is the way life is, but through failure comes success. It is the way we learn. It is how our characters are shaped, tested, tried, and hopefully proven true. While I wish things could have turned out differently, I can smile because God has refined me in these fires and storms, and He is shaping me into the woman of God I desire to become, as we are always in that place of becoming...real. I have a fondness for the story The Velveteen Rabbit where the rabbit has the conversation with the Skin Horse about being real. I have quoted it before, but I do so again for relevance:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they

were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before

Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having

things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.

"It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves

you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but

REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" ask the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always

truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,"

he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.

"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it

doesn't often happen to people who break easily,

or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully

kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most 

of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop 

out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.

But these things don't matter at all, because once

you are Real you can't be ugly, except to

people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And

then he wished he had not said it, for he thought

the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the

Skin Horse only smiled. "The Boy's Uncle made

me Real," he said. "That was a great many years

ago; but once you are Real you can't become

unreal again. It lasts for always."

I always smile when I read that conversation, as I remember the day I read them for my Daddy's eulogy, and I recall seeing my Daddy kneel by the side of the bed in conversation with the One who made him Real. Few knew this about my Daddy, but God in His infinite love and compassion graced me with this understanding, and I will be forever grateful. My Daddy became "Real," as he passed from this life serenely into the next into the arms of the One who made him so.

It also reminds me of Romans 8:22 "...all of creation groans...." Max Lucado in his book God Came Near clearly speaks:

"Man was not created to be separated from his creator; hence

he sighs, longing for home. The creation never intended to be 

inhabited by evil, hence she sighs, yearning for the Garden.

And the conversations with God were never intended to

depend on a translator; hence the Spirit groans on our behalf,

looking to a day when humans will see God face to face."

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then

we shall see face to face."

  

1 Corinthians 13:12 

God longs for things to be different, but He is a God of His word. He will not force the issue. But throughout scripture we see clearly cause and effect in play. In the book of Haggai the prophet exhorts the people to rebuild the Temple of God. Zechariah the prophet uses visions, dreams, and messages to encourage or exhort the people likewise. For fourteen years since Cyrus issued the proclamation to rebuild the Temple, "weeds instead of walls were growing from the foundation." The people had misplaced their priority. And so it is today. We devote our time to those things we value the most. Just as the prophets urged God's people to accountability in rebuilding the temple, so we are encouraged to build up our temple.

"Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who 

lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself...."

1 Corinthians 6:19

We have a choice. And if our choice is to be people of God, then we too need to be conscious of the life we are living as we are His emissaries in this crazy, chaotic world. In spite of our failures, in spite of our selfish choices, and our misaligned priorities, we are urged not to be conformed to this world, but to becoming transformed by the renewing of our minds. We have a choice. What will that choice be?

 

Born to Fly

"God wants you to fly. He wants you to fly free

of yesterday's guilt. he wants you to fly free of today's

fears. he wants you to fly free of tomorrow's grave.

Sin, fear, death. These are the mountains he has moved.

These are the prayers he will answer. That is the fruit

he will grant. This is what He longs to do:

he longs to set you free so you can fly...fly home."

And the Angels Were Silent

Max Lucado 

Sunday afternoon. After a wonderful time of fellowship and worship this morning, I came home to rest and prepare myself for the week ahead. Sundays are meant to be days such as these. Nourished and rested up for the work we have been created to do. Energized.

I've spoken quite often about the work we are to be about, the commission Jesus imparted to us as His followers. It's not an easy road to take, and it is laden with so many challenges. In our humanity we feel so ill prepared for the scope of our work, but when God calls us, He equips us to face these challenges. It is in these times of quietness, shut in listening to God's voice that we are readied for the next step of our journey.

Today our pastor wove together four passages of scripture beginning in Exodus, on to Psalms, then to Philippians, and culminating in Matthew. We can see so clearly in this sequence how Old and New Testaments fit together and define the love of God in His dealings with humanity. Just as the children of Israel failed to see God's hand, we also are blinded in our striving to acknowledge His Presence. And yet He loves us still.

In all His dealings with man Jesus never exploited His divinity. He simply responded in humility to those who questioned His authority. It's so easy to give into our human nature when we are tested or driven to certain points in confrontations. We want to prove that we have rights, and we expect our voice to be heard. We want the last say. We want it "our" way. So how can we possibly complain when things happen? We choose to make our own decisions, to have things "our way," yet we want to blame others, especially God when things don't quite work out. Ironic.

The thing is that God wants us to be victorious, to live freely, to soar above our failures, our nearsightedness, our chaos, and He wants us to fly...to mount on wings like eagles. He wants us to have the mind of Christ, and in so doing to be at peace in this crazy, messed up world. He wants us to stand fully armored, clothed in Christ.

The interesting thing is that all the answers are right before our eyes in His word, yet we are too preoccupied or too stubborn to see the proverbial "writing on the wall." Again, ironic. All through time as we know it history has repeated itself. And sadly it will again. So what can we do as Christians to make a difference? How do we respond when pushed up against a wall? That's simple, with the mind of Christ.

In my teens I read a book called In His Steps that talks about responding to every day tests by asking "What would Jesus do?" It's not a far fetched way of thinking, as in Philippians we are told we have the mind of Christ. I dare say there are very few, if any who stay focused enough to consider that thought when being tested. And yet it should be our first response as believers and followers of Christ to desire to have his temperament, His character. Especially when we read each day in the newspapers or hear in the daily news all the horrific happenings in our world today. We become angry, and we speculate, we judge, and we strive with each other. Imagine what would happen if we decided to do things God's way by following Jesus' example, by asking before we speak, "What would Jesus do?" Revolutionary thinking with the desired end result - peace that transcends knowledge. Imagine!

Christ in Me

I have always tried to live simply and quietly. I try not to assume or presume. I merely trust. I have a gift of seeing a person's true heart, their true character by gazing into their eyes. Sadly there are those who are intimidated by a person who actually gives you eye contact when speaking. So many people these days avoid looking at another person when they are talking, walking down the street, passing someone in a vehicle...whether it be for reasons of preoccupation with other matters, fear, or feelings of superiority and vanity. I do not know why anyone does what they do. Perhaps it is just their way of surviving the times.

For the past six months I have been battling my unseen enemy and the visible agents he sends to do his dirty work. As I cry out to God for answers He is faithful to my pleas. Sometimes He answers in the lyrics of a song, "Thy will be done...." or in the words of scripture heard over the radio, "Don't say, 'I will get even for this wrong.' Wait for the LORD to handle the matter." During the worst moments of not knowing how to respond to the blatant disrespect or callous lack of concern for a fellow human being's suffering, when I cry out to Abba Father He hears and He answers. Always. The still small voice can be heard when I calm myself and listen, even above the piercing noise in my ear and head resulting from my injuries, I can still hear His still small voice.

I hear Him in the words of Isaiah 50:24 "Those who trust in Me will never be put to shame." I hear His instruction regarding my response to one who is chastising me or making me feel inferior in the words of the Psalmist "Oh! Teach us to live well! (Psalm 90:12) or in Proverbs 3:2 "Never let loyalty and kindness leave you." and Psalm 13:5 "But I trust in Your unfailing love."

I have been studying the "minor" prophets in my daily reading of the Bible, and I am reminded of my days with Youth With a Mission (YWAM) when I lived in Virginia. There is a song we sang taken from the lines in Micah 6:8 that reads: 'He hath shewed thee,  O man, what is good and what the Lord requires of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God." In my reading the commentator speaks of the importance of names. He says that Micah means "Who is like the Lord," and Micah was called by God to be the prophet for "the exploited and downtrodden."

The way we live, how we conduct our every day life, demonstrates our true character. Our names carry meaning, as mine is pointed out to me often. "Linda" means "pretty," and it does not speak of the external characteristics as much as it should reflect the person within. I know that my parents probably did not know the meaning of my name when they chose it. It was a popular name in the year I was born, but I do hope it reflects the person I truly am inside. I want beauty to come forth, but not my own, rather the beauty of Jesus. I have been told by many over these past years that I have an "aura" around me. I pray that is the love of  Christ emanating from within me.

In the Sermon on the Mount found in Chapters 5-7 Jesus says: "Ye have heard that it hath been said Thou shalt love thy neighbor and hate thine enemy. But I say unto you, Love your enemies bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you." (Matthew 5:43-44) Abba is always so faithful to me, and in times of my deepest seeking for answers, He brings me back to teachings of Jesus in His Sermon. Again in my reading today in Reflection and Worship I am told "Practice showing mercy; leave justice to God." The immediate response of someone who knows my plight may be that I am not really hearing God, that He wants me to exert myself and not continue to be treated like a doormat as I have all my life. Trust me, friends, there are times I want to rant and rave and seek legal counsel. But, I stop and listen for His voice in the midst of my suffering and agonizing over this matter, and the only thing that gives me peace is knowing it is His voice I hear. When I listen the enemy's voice is silenced, and I can rest from my striving and my overwhelming consciousness of my physical pain and agony fades.

A few moments ago I responded to a Facebook post with a "heart" for love. Instantly a screen popped up saying, "Peace begins with love. Thank you for sharing love on this International Day of Peace." Is this a coincidence? I don't really know, but my heart always tells me that there are no coincidences for God's children. I believe there is meaning behind every word, response, or action. Perhaps we should think more often on the meaning behind our names and begin to ask what kind of character we want to show to the world. As for me I want my name to be expressed in my nature, the way I respond to others, not for myself, but I want to show the beauty of God's love for us and the life He wants us to have. Because what He wants for us is spoken so clearly in the words of The Lord's Prayer, "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven." Imagine it! Heaven on earth. It is possible even in these alarming times. But if we lived those words, truly sought God's direction on every decision we make, can you not see it is possible? There will always be evil and those seeking to do us harm, but our response is crucial, and I want always to follow His will, not mine. I am reminded of words spoken from Star Trek by Captain Kirk:

"There will always be those who mean to do us harm. 

To stop them, we risk awakening the same evil within ourselves.

 Our first instinct is to seek revenge when those we love are taken from us. 

But that's not who we are..."

  

Star Trek: Into the Darkness

We are always given a choice. God gives us a choice. Each day we are faced with decisions, and our response, our actions plot the way for other decisions, other actions, other responses. When do we stop to consider the ripple effect of our choices, or are we so selfish that our only concern is for ourselves. I think about it quite often, and I wonder how my life would have be different had I not done this or that. Who doesn't think those thoughts if we are honest with ourselves and others. But the truth is clearly spoken in the words of our Savior throughout the Bible, and very adeptly in the words of Max Lucado:

"Could you do it all over again, you'd do it differently.

You'd be a different person. You'd be more patient.

You'd control your tongue. You'd finish what you started.

You'd turn the other cheek instead of slapping his.

You'd get married first. You wouldn't marry at all.

You'd be honest. You'd resist temptation. You'd

run with a different crowd. But you can't."

Max Lucado

Six Hours One Friday 

Ephesians 5:17 says "Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to find out and do whatever the Lord wants you to." This is my heart cry for my personal dilemma. Perhaps I am making a poor decision. Perhaps. But I would rather err on the side of God than react foolishly and give satan an edge in my life. I want above all for others to see Christ in me, the hope of glory!

Just Me Just Be

Last night my dear friend Irma posted a good night message on my Facebook page remembering those who are alone. As I find myself in that situation living so far away from my family of birth and my children I appreciate it when someone thinks about me in such a special way. I remarked to another friend this week that I get tired of having to figure out things all by myself. The irony is that even when I lived closer to my family, and even when I was married and the children were home, I was the one who was expected to figure things out. I was the "glue" who held everything together. So really nothing has changed except physically I am alone. But, spiritually I am never alone.

As one of God's "misfits" I do have a love for those the world forgets, those who do not quite measure up to the world's eye view. I can say that we misfits are usually the happiest or more contented people, and we certain see more clearly, past the surface of a person's exterior. This morning at church our speaker talked about judging others, because they do not meet our expectations or our opinions of whom they should be. My friend and I worked together Friday night finishing up an object lesson for the talk for today. She knows I have a creative mind, so we rallied together to paint rocks with the scripture from John 8:7 "Ye without sin cast the first stone" painted on the rocks.  I always find it helpful to give someone an object or reminder of some sort of the important point of a message. That way it is more memorable, and we all needs reminders. Let's just hope no one uses it wrongfully by casting it at someone!

"Over and over again God wants us to get the message:

He has a peculiar passion for the forgotten. What 

society puts out, God puts in. What the

world writes off, God picks up.

And the Angels were Silent

Max Lucado 

I often wonder how many people are happy with the person they are or have become. I know that I may not be the most charming of folks, but I do have a compassionate heart, a servant heart, and I want more than anything for people to really know our Abba Father and find peace and hope in His love, mercy and grace. I may be a crazy misfit who colors outside the lines, but I love the person I am becoming, because until we breathe our last breath we are "becoming" the person we are destined to become. I would not want to be anyone else. And although my future is uncertain, I do know that I can trust Abba with my life and with the lives of my loved ones. For me that makes being alone worth the price. So I'll continue to "trust my crazy ideas" and "always color outside of the lines." That's who I am! Misfit, ragamuffin, or fellow wanderer...that's "just me!" A pilgrim in this life until the I reach the other side.

Valued

"It's usually through our hard times, the unexpected and 

not-according-to-plan times, that we experience God in more

intimate ways. We discover an unquenchable longing to know Him more. 

It's a passion that isn't concerned that life fall within certain

predictable lines, but a passion that pursues God and knows He is 

relentless in His pursuit of each one of us."

Whispered Words of Encouragement

September 14, 2016

Wednesday. My day off. A time when I can sit back from the undeniable absurdity of my daily rigor and reflect in peace and oneness with Jesus. I wish everyone who worked under overwhelming deadlines of "do this, don't do that" could relax and breathe in the hope of tomorrow.

As I continue my journey I remain conflicted regarding issues in my life, but I do have clarity concerning some things. When I quiet myself long enough to listen I can hear God's voice clearly, not always as I want, but He speaks. I feel so desperately alone at times, because although I know He is here with me, I do not always feel His nearness. Still I know.

I have been futilely searching for some personal documents needed for retirement plans. Rather than continue my search-and-destroy efforts of weeding through files and papers, I decided that if  things were meant to be, the papers would surface at the right time. As I rummaged through files I came across my elementary school report cards, and I was taken aback by the comments and awful grades. I have managed to block out huge portions of my memory, but when I need to remember, God compassionately reveals a hidden "secret." When the proverbial "light bulb" goes on I respond with mixed emotions. My mother did not share with me about the head injury I sustained as a young pre-school child, and even if had I known it may not have made a difference. Going back in time brings back emotions about daily migraines and cluster headaches, extremely poor vision, and other things. As a child I learned to function as I needed to do in order to survive. Naturally, as a child I didn't understand anything really about survival, but I learned to cope. This became my learned lifestyle or my "normal."

As I shared the heartache of my memories with a friend she asked me what made the difference in my life, because in spite of my earlier grades I graduated high school with honors. I told her I really wasn't certain, except I knew I changed after the death of my friend at age 15. That accident shook me up pretty badly, as I could have been in that car when my friend died, as I had been invited to go along. Reflecting the past couple of days about that time I realized that what made the difference in my life was I began to believe in myself. It became important for me to show everyone that I was not an average student or an average anything.

I so dislike labels and comparisons. We all have our places of insecurity, and that is the reason I must follow my "crazy dream" for a place for "misfits," and "ragamuffins," those who are somehow labeled as "not good enough." We each have purpose, and we are all "above average" in our own special way. God does not make junk, I am reminded by a cross stitch on my mama's wall, plus He reminds me every day of how miraculous we all are as part of His creation.

"Rather than shocking the globe with an occasional demonstration

of deity, God has opted to display His power daily. Proverbially. 

Pounding waves. Prism-cast colors. Birth, death, life. We are

surrounded by miracles. God is throwing testimonies at us like

fireworks, each on exploding, '"God is! God is!"'

Max Lucado

God Came Near

My friend is having a difficult time finding a counselor because of man's labels. Because of age some are cast aside in receiving certain benefits, because the "system" feels they probably won't live much longer so why bother. I have heard so many stories from people who are devastated at the treatment or lack thereof they receive from health care professionals. So that's where I come into play as the crusader. Sometimes I am heard, other times not, but I am tenacious and relentless in my pursuit of victory. Strange, I can advocate for others, but I become weak and defenseless to right for my own cause.

"Value is now measured by two criteria - appearance and

performance. Pretty tough system, isn't it? Where does that

leave the retarded? Or the ugly or uneducated? Where does

that place the aged or the handicapped? What hope does that

offer the unborn child? Not much. Not much at all. We 

become nameless numbers on mislaid lists. Now please 

understand, this is man's value system. It is not God's."

Max Lucado

No Wonder They Call Him The Savior

"My friends have made the story.

of my life. In a thousand ways,

they have turned my limitations

into beautiful privileges,

and enabled me to walk

serene and happy in the

shadow cast by my deprivation."

Helen Keller

Quality of life is worth the fight! Strange that assisting someone in ending their own lives is considered more compassionate than helping someone live in spite of limitations. How do things become so mixed up. I see another side of life, as do those who fight for ones who cannot do so for themselves. I see the unsung heroes who are making their place in this unsuspecting world, overcoming impossible hurdles, and bring the victory home.

Making It Last

"There will come a time when you believe

everything is finished. That will be

the beginning."

Louis L'Amour

Saturday at last! After a day of actually accomplishing something (To those who understand, my past due tasks are down to two!!) and a late night of "piddling," I woke up around 4:30 am with the worst case of heartburn I've ever had. Thankfully, one Tums tablet did the trick, and I drifted back into sleep until I was awakened at 9:30 am by the phone. I actually slept in! After talking to my friend, I deliberated about whether to keep my lazy butt in bed or muster the "want to" to drag myself up and "at um" as mama used to say. I chose the latter.

For the past several months I have found it difficult to want to do anything except stay home and piddle on Saturdays and my day off on Wednesday.  My friends have claimed a place on my calendar for "play time," as they call it, for every other Wednesday. Quite honestly I look forward to it. Sharing time with friends and family is more important than doing the mundane tasks of dusting or vacuuming. This week I was reminded about how quickly time passes. It is truly becoming a "blink"  as the years go by.

I used to drive to Santa Fe almost every Saturday; it became a given for the weekends. But, this year, especially since March, I haven't had the energy to pursue any of my plans for the year, to include blogging. I think I must be caught up in one of my quagmires! Being "stuck" is not a pleasant place to be in mind or body, but I thank God, because he sends someone along to pull me out back into the land of the living. You may recall that my friend gave me an "adult" coloring book, three in fact, to occupy my mind and relieve stress. Or so she said! Actually I believe she thinks I am regressing back into childhood, but I never really left my childhood, so the joke is on her! 

The people who visit me are always intrigued that I still have my little Christmas tree up. In fact it has been up since 2012 when my daddy went home to Jesus. In earlier days in the South when a person died the clock was stopped at the time of death. Whereas I am not certain of the superstition behind that or if it even applies in my situation, my tree is a memory tree, and I keep it up because I can do whatever I want to in my home. Besides which isn't Christmas supposed to be celebrated daily as is Easter? 

I have many "treasures" in my home, not of earthly value, but reminders of times and events and special friends and loved ones. When you walk into my home the first thing you see, besides my bicycle parked at the side of the door, is my huge plush grizzly carefully guarding the entrance. If you happen to walk in too loudly you will be greeted by the sound of a annoying singing cat that is sitting on the coffee table guarding the window, another gift from my Wednesday play pal! Yes, I know I am a bit "out there" and ready for the rubber room, but these are important memories. When I was leading Bible study in my home my friends had to take the plush friends off the sofa or rocking chair to have a place to sit! But everything has a story, and I love a story told well! At best it is a great icebreaker!

I'm a dreamer, so everything I do has some relevance to living out the dream. When I saw my friends this past Wednesday I told one that I brought "strings and sealing wax and other fancy stuff." Remember the lyrics from "Puff the Magic Dragon?" 

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Together they would travel on a boat with billowed sail
Jackie kept a lookout perched on puffs gigantic tail,
Noble kings and princes would bow whene'r they came,
Pirate ships would lower their flag when puff roared out his name. oh!

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

Dragons live forever but not so little boys
Painted wings and giant strings make way for other toys.
One sad night it happened, Jackie Paper came no more
And Puff that mighty dragon, he ceased his fearless roar.

His head was bent in sorrow, green scales fell like rain,
Puff no longer went to play along the cherry lane.
Without his life-long friend, puff could not be brave,
So puff that mighty dragon sadly slipped into his cave. oh!

Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee,
Puff, the magic dragon lived by the sea
And frolicked in the autumn mist in a land called Honah Lee.

This song shares the message of life... it is transient, so we make the most of the time we are given.

Being dauntless, I prefer to think of myself as Peter Pan, and whereas  the mirror definitely tells me I have grown up, mentally I still believe in living my life day by day rather than worrying about what tomorrow "may" bring. I call it my "happy place," and I am fighting very hard not to have anyone steal my peace. My office has canvas paintings of Snoopy and Woodstock, Elsa from Frozen, and many other playful scenes and messages, because this is the place I spend the majority of my day facing difficult realities. So, I need positive reminders to reinforce my "happy place" as I deal with a complex caseload and serious realities. Real life situations need Peter Pans, don't you think? 

As I "fly" through my Saturday I do so on the wings of prayer and thanksgiving for the life God has given me to share. I love seeing people smile, even if it is their last smile before parting this world. At least I know I have left an impression, a lasting one they can take with them into their next life.

Quadmires & Quandries

August 7, 2016

After a restless night with my old friend "Pain" I awakened grateful for the day, but nauseated and weakened after the visit. I have struggled with chronic pain the majority of my life due to injuries sustained by the help of others. I have been experiencing a reprieve from such visits over the past few years, never quite free, but grateful for the relief. But for some reason my "old friend" has launched a full scale effort to bring me down and get me incapacitated. Sorry, Pain, but my strength and endurance comes from the grace of God. Last night's struggle was particularly intense, as no manner of assistance would soothe this savage beast - ice, wet heat, exercise and stretching, not even Tylenol which sometimes takes a slight edge off so I can drift into sleep. I am rather a contortionist, but no manner of pretzel moves aided my cause last night. Thankfully I drifted off to sleep about 5 am, but I had to be up early this morning, so I was exhausted! Nonetheless I dragged myself outta the bed and into the shower. Revitalized!

I shared some time with a friend this morning as we met the challenges set before us, and we succeeded in our task. It was an encouraging morning. It was also a time of laughter, a few tears, some valuable insight, such is our way. Back home now and very, very tired and still nauseated, but rather than sink into the mattress I am trying to play catch up once more on daily self-tasks. Besides which I have a train to catch at 5 pm tonight! The Smooth Jazz Train. This means more dancing to some great tunes and becoming acquainted with some new friends. It is quite the adventure, and I don't even have to leave my home! Tomorrow I'm back on the chain gang ride, but the weekend is shining in the distance.

I've been rummaging through my crowded brain cells in an attempt to remember where I placed some important documents. Hence my spare room has been littered with folders tossed to and fro. No luck yet on procuring said documents, but should my hunt prove futile I will accept it with the assurance that I am to move forward in God's strength. Revisiting the past does not bode well to my super sensitive psyche, so perhaps a fresh start without memories threatening to pull me down is the better path. I remember a line from the movie Prince of Tides where the mother is telling her son he dwells too much on the past. What she failed to realize is that reliving our past is necessary to face the future free of nightmares. Fortunately, I blocked out huge portions of my life, and as I slowly remember under the cover of my Abba Father, the memories fade into oblivion remembered only as a means to an end in helping me become the person I am today. He calls this refining fires in the Potter's hands.

Prince of Tides and other movies that delve into the eye of the storms in our lives have proven to be  very liberating to me and others who use them as a help to recovery rather than an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Dealing with all "labels" of mental illness in my work and a couple in my life I am privy to inside information, vital information to effecting a change in people's lives. Doctors will tell us there is no cure to many illnesses particularly those that involve our minds and battered souls, yet I say differently as I know with God all things are possible. This rings true for all infirmities. But in the end it is God's decision, and He is not cruel, nor does He show favoritism. His ways are higher. Fortunately for me I have a different view of such challenges, regardless of the cost or endurance. In my case it is what it is.

Through my interaction with Pinterest, a great stress reliever, I have become aware of a support group called The Mighty for people who have or know someone with a mental illness diagnosis or chronic physical conditions. It appears to be a great place for people to make a statement, gain freedom over the stigma of being "different," and find support from people who understand limitations, chronic pain and dis-ease in its many faces and stereotypes. People are afraid of what they don't understand so they avoid or judge, but this group gives people the freedom and confidence to be just who they are - The Mighty!

I picked up a favorite movie this afternoon called The Guardian about the men and women who serve in the Coast Guard. It is so inspiring to know that there are people in all parts of the world who put the lives and safety of others before their own. The training is grueling, but the reward of saving a life is worth the cost. This can be said of so many people who serve others in their profession or calling. These are the true heroes.

Time is passing, and my Wednesday off is coming to a close. So off I go to soak and read before pulling the covers up close and leaving the day behind. The promise of a new day as I close my eyes to rest.

 

The Future

It's late, and my day has been adventurous in certain ways. After attending church I enjoyed a nice lunch with my friend and her sister who were visiting for the holiday weekend. As is our way we giggled over silly things and mulled over more serious considerations, but for the most part it was a great visit playing catch up since she moved back to El Paso the end of March. Sadly for me she will be returning home tomorrow morning, but she has plans to return soon.

This evening I have been watching movies, dancing to Cuban music, Latin ball room dancing, and hip hop. Saturday I had a short ride on the Smooth Jazz Train, and I am anxious to hop on the next train leaving on Wednesday night at 5 pm Mountain Time. My life is complete, as I enjoy the simple things like friends and music.

While lounging in lavender bath salts and bubbles I snuggled down to enjoy my latest read, The Great Divorce, by CS Lewis. A friend recommended I pick it up, as it is an interesting study of human reasoning and the decisions we make. In short the book is about a bus ride from hell to the foothills of heaven. Leave it to CS Lewis to envision such a ride, and yet I see evidence of the same grappling every day as we muse between trusting God and falling prisoner to our own imaginings.  It's the age old story of good vs evil, and it continues today.

The story opens with a line of people waiting for a bus, often times quarreling and vying for a position in line. As the line grows shorter the main character in the story advances in his position to gain access to the bus. The characters he meets along the way up to and after his arrival at the destination are glimpses of human nature and the things we hold most dear. Once at heaven's gateway, so to speak, the visitors are met by spirits or "solid bodies" who accompany the visitors along their journey or investigation of this place called heaven. You see they wonder if it is real or imagined, and if the former if it meets their expectations. Some of the encounters are quite compelling, yet it is disturbing because I see so clearly the dark battles people face in this life and their unwillingness to lay all down for pure love.

Let me give you an example.... The visitor accompanied by his Teacher stop to listen to an exchange between a woman's Ghost and a Bright Spirit who had been her brother in life. She recognizes him, yet the only one she wants to see is her son, Michael. She asks if he is in heaven, and the Spirit tells her yes, so she demands to see him. As the conversation ensues it is quite clear that the woman's only intention in coming to this place is to be reunited with her son, and she does not consider either her  brother who is the Bright Spirit or her mother who is also in heaven. In all the love the Bright Spirit shows her, she rejects it and becomes angry to the point of demanding more and more, placing blame on everyone, even God, who obviously was not a God of love if He had taken her son away from her. She was so fixated on the loss of her son that she neglected to see her living daughter and husband up to the day of her own demise. The sadder loss was that her obsession with her son blinded her not only to the presence of the living, but it obscured her desire to accept the love of God who had given her everything as Creator of all life. The one thing she needed to do in order to see her son was to love God more. How often we fall into this place of ambiguity.

As I read along I reflected on my own life. Am I putting everything else before my love of God? Do I not realize that everything I have comes from Him, the Giver of all good things? Yesterday my Pastor mentioned the cost of discipleship in passing as the real subject was in learning to know God. I found this interesting as my previous blog was on that same subject. As he spoke of "cost" I understood a bit of that word, as my choices to stand alone have cost me considerably. Yet it is nothing compared to the joy of knowing Him.

And yet I find it so easy to fall back into the same old place of feeling "stuck" without a clear idea of what step to take, what decision seems plausible considering the future. I think I have it figured out, that I've consulted God, and yet I find doubt still filters in, and I am indecisive once more. In my "striving" to exist in this life I sometimes feel compelled to choose now rather than wait and see. I have to be practical, responsible, or whatever adjective fits the bill of modern day man's interpretation of developing a plan for retirement. Yet, my life only follows one plan, and few understand that concept. What others see is a single retirement aged woman living alone almost two thousand miles from her family without a clue as to how she can make it on social security. "She's made poor choices all her life so she doesn't have anything to show for herself, why she doesn't even own a home! What was she thinking? How will she live?" From time to time I admit I entertain these musings myself, but I conclude that I have a future, a brighter one than anyone can possibly see with human eyes and reasoning, and my security is not based on how much money I have in the bank or in owning property but in my Father who has given me the best life, more than I deserve. This focus sustains me. I don't understand why people cannot see for themselves the life I live has been extraordinary, so why can't I believe my future will be better?

As I consider the Ghosts and Solid People in CS Lewis' cleverly inspired book, I trust I can put to rest any doubt in my mind, any fears my soul feels, and become more in tune with my Abba Father and the future He has planned for me. I don't want a natural life after all. I want a supernatural one. I want to be on earth to people as one of Bright Spirits guiding a voyager into his celestial home. Every time I speak the name "Jesus" I want my countenance to light up to the point that it is so bright that it draws people closer to Him. For me there is no brighter future even if I have to spend it sleeping in my car. Believe me there are much worse fates.