The Future

It's late, and my day has been adventurous in certain ways. After attending church I enjoyed a nice lunch with my friend and her sister who were visiting for the holiday weekend. As is our way we giggled over silly things and mulled over more serious considerations, but for the most part it was a great visit playing catch up since she moved back to El Paso the end of March. Sadly for me she will be returning home tomorrow morning, but she has plans to return soon.

This evening I have been watching movies, dancing to Cuban music, Latin ball room dancing, and hip hop. Saturday I had a short ride on the Smooth Jazz Train, and I am anxious to hop on the next train leaving on Wednesday night at 5 pm Mountain Time. My life is complete, as I enjoy the simple things like friends and music.

While lounging in lavender bath salts and bubbles I snuggled down to enjoy my latest read, The Great Divorce, by CS Lewis. A friend recommended I pick it up, as it is an interesting study of human reasoning and the decisions we make. In short the book is about a bus ride from hell to the foothills of heaven. Leave it to CS Lewis to envision such a ride, and yet I see evidence of the same grappling every day as we muse between trusting God and falling prisoner to our own imaginings.  It's the age old story of good vs evil, and it continues today.

The story opens with a line of people waiting for a bus, often times quarreling and vying for a position in line. As the line grows shorter the main character in the story advances in his position to gain access to the bus. The characters he meets along the way up to and after his arrival at the destination are glimpses of human nature and the things we hold most dear. Once at heaven's gateway, so to speak, the visitors are met by spirits or "solid bodies" who accompany the visitors along their journey or investigation of this place called heaven. You see they wonder if it is real or imagined, and if the former if it meets their expectations. Some of the encounters are quite compelling, yet it is disturbing because I see so clearly the dark battles people face in this life and their unwillingness to lay all down for pure love.

Let me give you an example.... The visitor accompanied by his Teacher stop to listen to an exchange between a woman's Ghost and a Bright Spirit who had been her brother in life. She recognizes him, yet the only one she wants to see is her son, Michael. She asks if he is in heaven, and the Spirit tells her yes, so she demands to see him. As the conversation ensues it is quite clear that the woman's only intention in coming to this place is to be reunited with her son, and she does not consider either her  brother who is the Bright Spirit or her mother who is also in heaven. In all the love the Bright Spirit shows her, she rejects it and becomes angry to the point of demanding more and more, placing blame on everyone, even God, who obviously was not a God of love if He had taken her son away from her. She was so fixated on the loss of her son that she neglected to see her living daughter and husband up to the day of her own demise. The sadder loss was that her obsession with her son blinded her not only to the presence of the living, but it obscured her desire to accept the love of God who had given her everything as Creator of all life. The one thing she needed to do in order to see her son was to love God more. How often we fall into this place of ambiguity.

As I read along I reflected on my own life. Am I putting everything else before my love of God? Do I not realize that everything I have comes from Him, the Giver of all good things? Yesterday my Pastor mentioned the cost of discipleship in passing as the real subject was in learning to know God. I found this interesting as my previous blog was on that same subject. As he spoke of "cost" I understood a bit of that word, as my choices to stand alone have cost me considerably. Yet it is nothing compared to the joy of knowing Him.

And yet I find it so easy to fall back into the same old place of feeling "stuck" without a clear idea of what step to take, what decision seems plausible considering the future. I think I have it figured out, that I've consulted God, and yet I find doubt still filters in, and I am indecisive once more. In my "striving" to exist in this life I sometimes feel compelled to choose now rather than wait and see. I have to be practical, responsible, or whatever adjective fits the bill of modern day man's interpretation of developing a plan for retirement. Yet, my life only follows one plan, and few understand that concept. What others see is a single retirement aged woman living alone almost two thousand miles from her family without a clue as to how she can make it on social security. "She's made poor choices all her life so she doesn't have anything to show for herself, why she doesn't even own a home! What was she thinking? How will she live?" From time to time I admit I entertain these musings myself, but I conclude that I have a future, a brighter one than anyone can possibly see with human eyes and reasoning, and my security is not based on how much money I have in the bank or in owning property but in my Father who has given me the best life, more than I deserve. This focus sustains me. I don't understand why people cannot see for themselves the life I live has been extraordinary, so why can't I believe my future will be better?

As I consider the Ghosts and Solid People in CS Lewis' cleverly inspired book, I trust I can put to rest any doubt in my mind, any fears my soul feels, and become more in tune with my Abba Father and the future He has planned for me. I don't want a natural life after all. I want a supernatural one. I want to be on earth to people as one of Bright Spirits guiding a voyager into his celestial home. Every time I speak the name "Jesus" I want my countenance to light up to the point that it is so bright that it draws people closer to Him. For me there is no brighter future even if I have to spend it sleeping in my car. Believe me there are much worse fates.