Letting Go

I like to think of myself as a caring, loving person.  As a parent I tried to devote myself to teaching my children the right way to treat others, to live, to think, to be, and when I failed miserably, as we all do, I asked their forgiveness.  I always tried to help them see the best inside of themselves, and to know that nothing is impossible as far as doing what they wanted to do in life.  I do believe in being able to accomplish what seems impossible to others, because I have a Father who can do anything!

I've always tried to see the good in people even when I was mistreated or  unfairly judged.  Christians are quick to do that, never taking the time to see their own imperfections.  The older I become the more I can see into the heart of a struggling person, and with all my heart I want to still the raging storms within, but many times it is beyond my grasp.  Life is a struggle, and sometimes it seems unfair the hand we're dealt in life.  But we have to look beyond this temporary life and grab hold to the promise of what is to come for we who believe in life past the grave.  And while on this earth we have to seize each moment to live life in the best way we can.  We need to look beyond the pain, the isolation, the grief, and dare to hope again.  To believe, to dream! To find one thing each day for which we are grateful!

Although I am transparent to a point in my writings, many of you do not know the struggles I carry within threatening to destroy my life.  Pretty much my life is one of isolation for two reasons actually.  The first is due to the call on my life as an intercessor, and the second is that distance is safer, more peaceful.  Sometimes in order to be who we are called to be we have to separate ourselves from those who hurt us or wish to control us.  It's not that it is premeditated on their part; it is a matter of judgment or misconception, and towards them I harbor no ill feelings.  Other times it is just because I cannot be the person they want me to be, or think the way they want me to feel.  It becomes too much for me, so I retreat to my place of safety.  I shut the door, and I turn off the phone, and I focus on what I can do and on who I am.

Each year I try to make it a practice to take a few days to go to one of my "thinking spots" and hide away just to regain my focus, my perspective. For years I had to battle taking this time for myself, because I was made to feel selfish if I didn't do what someone else felt I should do with my vacation time. Thankfully, I have overcome these feelings to a point, and I can now take a few days just for myself and not feel guilty.  The first day I am usually so worn out physically, emotionally, spiritually that I tend to sleep all day.  I guess it a necessary part of my healing.  Sometimes I don't venture past the area around me, but I just talk to God and try to figure out the next step.  Ya know it takes a lot of energy to live life one day at a time, one step at a time.  But for now it is all I can do.

In the first blog regarding "Necessary Endings" I admitted that Relationships are my first Problem.  Although I spoke about it in great length I did not label my Goal which is Setting Boundaries.   I didn't really delve into the  Barriers which I guess you realize are Guilt and Shame. I've talked about those demonic entities more than once in my writings.  I guess the Interaction in this instance would be separation or isolation from those who would hold me back from freeing myself of these feelings, or simply freeing myself from allowing these demons to control me.

Beyond that the next "Necessary Ending" for me would involve knowing my next step.  So, the Problem becomes one of Discovery which means understanding what I need to do next to fulfill this yearning within my soul.  The Barriers I imagine are Time and Resources, as both are necessary to accomplish my Goal.  My Goal being building my Island for Misfit Toys, myself being the main resident of this place of safety, unconditional love and acceptance, a place where dreams are discovered and realization begins.  Remember me saying where all things are possible if you believe.  Encouragement would be a daily part and learning new things!  To live we have to continue to learn, otherwise we become stagnant and die.

So now I have two Goals I have recognized in my life.  The second is a long term goal and the first, hopefully, much shorter.  I feel I have already ventured on that path.

As I began this writing I noted that I have been hurt many times, as have we all and as we all will again and again.  In my reading today, King David writes about those who are persecuting him.  In Psalm 109, verses 1-5 he says:

"O God of my praise, don't stand silent and aloof while the wicked slander me and tell their lies. They have no reason to hate and fight me, yet they do! I love them, but even while I am praying for them, they are trying to destroy me. They return evil for good, and hatred for love."

Then he goes on to say, "Show him how it feels! Let lies be told about him and bring him to court before an unfair judge." (verse 6).  

Beside this portions of scripture, only verses 1-5,  I had written "2009", because that year was an extremely difficult one for me from March through June, because I was the victim of persecution I could not understand, and I still don't to this day.  Yet, God brought me through, and He vindicated me of all lies spoken against me.  I hope I never have to endure a trial of that magnitude again, but in doing so I became more compassionate, because I did not exact vengeance on my persecutors.

I often wonder if King David really wanted God to do as he prayed in verses 6 on through to the conclusion of Psalm 109.  He really wanted God to get them good!  Including their families!  I hope that I can always return good for evil as Jesus did when He prayed, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do."  I realize this can be hard to do, as anger rises up inside of us, and we want to get even sometimes.  For me all I asked for was a way out of it.  I knew God had put me in that place at that time, but I could not understand why I was going through this great trial.  All I did was cry out to God on my face each day.  But in this I learned that in order to face each day I needed more than my quiet time first thing with Him in the morning.  I began the practice of kneeling in prayer, and many times on my face, praying once more, before I begin my days, putting on the whole armor of God, not only on myself but on those I love.  I cannot do this alone.  I need Him in order to take each step, each day.  I need His strength, His courage, His love to keep me focused on the goal.

Today is another difficult day, personally, as it involves someone I love dearly, for whom I would give my life and have given many years of my life, although it is not recognized as such sadly.  A short lived success ended in defeat for me, and I don't know how to begin again.  There are places I cannot go, places I've visited before which bring only harm, no good can come from it, so I made my stand once more.  Sometimes it is necessary, and I pray understood by the other party eventually.

Yesterday I watched a fun movie, one many are singing.  The movie, Frozen, is quite inspiring actually, and the lyrics to the song, "Let It Go" have great meaning:


The snow glows white on the mountain tonight
Not a footprint to be seen
A kingdom of isolation, and it looks like I’m the Queen
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside
Couldn’t keep it in, heaven knows I've tried

Don’t let them in, don’t let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don’t feel, don’t let them know
Well now they know

Let it go, let it go
Can’t hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door
I don’t care
What they’re going to say
Let the storm rage on, the cold never bothered me anyway

It’s funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can’t get to me at all

It’s time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me
I’m free

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You’ll never see me cry
Here I stand
And here I stay
Let the storm rage on

My power flurries through the air into the ground
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I’m never going back,
The past is in the past

Let it go, let it go
And I'll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand in the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway 


The lyrics have some significance to my life in that I was held back from being myself, as if who I am was not the right way to be.  So, yes I understand isolation and the defiance of letting go of it all, no longer allowing someone to dictate my life, or to let the tears flow again.  To steel myself again the blast of indifference!  "Necessary Endings" as Dr. Henry Cloud called them.  Life can be chilling, but in ways isolation is the only safe haven in the winter storm or raging seas.  Breaking free is the goal, living free is the victory! Only in Christ is this possible!