9/2/2025
As I'm sitting here, waiting before the Lord, I feel so desperate to hear His voice, feel His tug on my heart, know He's near. Then the words come, drifting over the airways, the words from the song Breathe by Michael W. Smith:
This is the air I breatheThis is the air I breatheYour holy presence living in me
This is my daily breadThis is my daily breadYour very word spoken to me
And I'm desperate for youAnd I'm lost without you
From that moment on, a series of songs played softly in the background, confirmation that I am surrounded, and all of Heaven sings praises to the One worthy of praise. I can only imagine what it will be like in eternity. Come, Lord Jesus, and fill this emptiness I feel these days. It's not confusion or doubt, not doubting Him at all, but I imagine it is the questions He asks me, and I begin to wonder.
Sitting her from my vantage point, looking over the field, I catch a glimpse of Alex sitting the the edge of the field, considering the bounty that could be his for the taking should he choose to cross over our boundary line. The feast, perhaps his first meal of the day, or may he has tasted of the kindness of others as he makes his rounds early. His attention to the task is interrupted when he hears my call, carried on the wind from my window, and after a moment's deliberation, he turns and begins the stroll across the yard, the field mice no doubt relieved by his departure. Stealthily he makes his way across the lawn, no doubt considering what he may find before he reaches the back screen door. Most days he announces his presence by clinging by his claws on the screen door, glimpsing inside to see if anyone has noticed his arrival. Otherwise, he makes his starving cat sounds, as if he's been abandoned, crying for his family. He's a drama king, there is no doubt. A quick pat on his underbelly bares the tale. But in spite of his many antics, he is endearing, and I thank God that He brought the little rascal into my life. Even when he's scamming me for a midnight snack!
I returned to my desk by the window, once more consumed in thoughts, listening and reacting to the music softly playing, being drawn back into the secret place, tucked safely behind closed doors, Holy Spirit providing the backdrop for worship. Still so many thoughts playing hide and go seek in my head.
"By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later
receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though
he did not know where he was going."
Hebrews 11:8
This verse brought back memories of trying to decide if my feelings to move back here to Virginia were truly in God's timing, as I have previously shared. As I piece together the story, my story, His story, I am brought back to this place of introspection for clarity. Why? What is the point to it all? I'm here! It was not without great cost to me emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Financially it was His doing, His provision, albeit in an unexpected way. And yet this brings up many thoughts again, but I must put them aside, it matters little, and it is only an attempt for me to draw nigh the proverbial rabbit hole, where I can topple in once again, but NO MORE!
Once more I am brought back to look at my journal from this time last year. I had just arranged them in file boxes so they could be consulted as needed, although in honesty I felt they held very little insight. I am always very hard on myself, and these past weeks, as I have mentioned, have been unreasonably clouded. Last year at this time I was involved in additional prayers through ICEJ as the US office in Tennessee was holding a 50 days for the 50 states prayer season. I was asked to join, face unseen, so I agreed. The prayer was geared towards breaking the satanic strongholds and curses off the State of the day's prayer, especially as it involved Israel. On this day, Virginia was the State for focused prayer, because of it's position, number ten, in being admitted as a state. Our Lieutenant Governor Winsome Sears was in the panel, the first time I have been with her in prayer. She is a lovely lady, who has served in our military, and has quite a background of public and community service. She is soft-spoken, but honest, truthful, but not controversial, and prays in humility before her God. She's now running for Governor in Youngkin's place, as he is not seeking re-election. She definitely has my vote. But that's not what I was called here to remember. Prayers for unity, balance of the parts of The Body of Christ, symmetry and organization. I wrote "leaders in the commonwealth - how can I join with these ladies?" All prayer eventually led to Israel as it is the world focus and the spiritual focus of Heaven.
The prayer quickly switched to the daily prayer call for the Jerusalem headquarters, and this being the month of Elul preceding the High Holy Days in the month of Tishrei, ending with the Feast of Tabernacles. They were inviting all to come to celebrate the feast in Jerusalem, and I was battling about whether to go or to stay. I didn't attend in person, but online, although I prayed so often, but God did not say go, and I did not feel that it was time. This year, again, although I would absolutely love to attend, I am scheduled to go another direction, unless God changes my plans. I remember last year that as we prayed, one intercessor shared a vision she had involving the bride of Christ, dressed in her gown, dressed in white, leading the procession, calling for a fast. Elul is a time of fasting and prayer as preparation for the Day of Atonement, Rosh Hashanah. I imagine we did call for a fast, as the orthodox Jewish people always fast during this time, and the Messianic as well. Once more I was carried away, as they were speaking, and I heard the words so clearly, as I have before, "Keep your eyes on the Captain - the Commander - of the Armies of Heaven." Plus the others that followed, "Cut off the head of the snake!" Noted next in my journal was a dream of a huge snake with a man present. I had asked God, "who is the man?" And beside it I had written, "three dreams - creatures with sharp teeth. I have separated out the areas, but I only recall one man. I could not see the head of the snake, only a huge body." That made no sense to me at the time, nor does it at this moment, but clarity will come, as it always does in God's time. Lord, Dearest Abba, why am I back in 2024?
This was Day 332, celebrating the faith of released hostage, Sapir Cohen, who held on to the words of Psalm 27, that she had learned in synagogue, while being held by Hamas. Her testimony is remembered by many, but her name seems to escape them. She is SAPIR COHEN, and her boyfriend SASHA TROUPANOV! Remember these names! They are two of God's chosen ones. Sasha is also back to studying Torah since his release, and it is my heartfelt, urgent prayer that the two of them become so insatiably hungry for truth and more truth, that Holy Spirit will draw them into the manifest glory of the Living God, and they will become intimately acquainted with Jesus Christ, Messiah, the Savior of the world. How I pray that many of those released, and those still in captivity will remember Torah, remember the words of the prophets, the psalms. I pray for Jesus to manifest Himself in the tunnels, and I have been given a vision of Him there, protecting hostages, with a terrorist kneeling at His feet, the Light of His Presence blinding the man. I have visibly seen in my visions the release of the hostages, filing out from the tunnels into the Garden Tomb area. I don't know what God will do, but I do know that His supernatural hand of mercy and grace is on these children. It matters not that some are older, to me they are children, my children, whom I include in my prayers each day. And if He wanted it, He could make the dead bones rise, as He did in Ezekiel 37, as there are many said to be dead in captivity. With our God, nothing is impossible. I am living, breathing proof.
The last thing written for 9/2/2024 was an additional journal entry. I reported that my son, Daniel, had been whistling, which meant that he was having a better day. We had obviously been up to our usual antics, and I had noted that had anyone seen us they would have thought we were "one sandwich short of a picnic," an old quote from the movie Ski Patrol. It is a funny movie that includes a nutcase guy who is fond of talking to puppets. In fact he straps one on his left side and one on the right side of his head. And he spoke for each of them, reminding my children of my puppet days. I think that's a good memory! I am reminded of scripture, Proverbs 17:22, "A merry heart doeth good like medicine; but a broken spirit dries the bones."
There were more notes about another hostage who had been returned with five others, murdered viciously. I had watched his mother speak at his funeral, and it ripped my heart again. It would not be the last time. I spoke of my other two children, and concerns I have and still do today, for their welfare. I wrote the following from A.W. Tozer's devotional, My Daily Pursuit:
"I refuse to allow my relationship with God to be limited by my understanding of theology. I want my relationship to God to be in His hands and allow Him to lift me up and surround me with the cloud of His presence. Oh, to know God!"
"I surrender every thing and everybody, and so position myself as to experience the glory of God in my life. Nothing else really matters."
I included my love of God's chosen people with the prayers of other friends who were on my heart that day. I also included prayers about my feeling out of place, of not fitting in. Again, Lord, why am I here, and what is Your plan!
Perhaps Holy Spirit wanted me to see that I haven't progressed much in wondering "Why am I here?" I don't believe He sent me back a year to remind me of other things that happened around that time leading up to the ICEJ 50 Days 50 States call and my relationship with the US branch. It did remind me of some things that I discussed with my son, some feelings I had. Bearing my soul can be good, and it helps me settle any unresolved feelings. Again, what are my motives? Is my heart pure? These are things I need to think about a bit more. One thing is for certain...my feelings, as expressed by the heart of A.W. Tozer remain the same as His. Since that day I have drawn my line in the sand a little more visibly and audibly when speaking of my children and with them, so perhaps that is something else Holy Spirit wanted me to see. Whatever the reason, I know that it is for my good and for His plan and ultimate glory. That is just the way He rolls! Thank You, Holy Spirit! Never leave me!
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