Day 81 Sunday Thoughts

 

3/22/2026

"As the deer pants for the water brooks,

so my soul pants for Thee."

Psalm 42:1  

 

It's Sunday evening, but I am not quite ready for bed. I just finished listening to a message on waiting on God's timing, not mine. I must admit that I sometimes struggle with feelings of my life being close to the end and having nothing to show for it. There have been many times that I've compared my life with others, even their financial position over my small, meager savings. Because I am divorced I feel that I have nothing of value to offer anyone who needs support in their marriage or in life in general. I am grateful and share the joy of couples who have been married for many years, and I silently wish that I could have experienced that life. I still wonder what I did wrong. And round and round we go, stuck in the tornado funnel, spiraling down the rabbit hole...again! I kick myself, because I thought those days were over, and that I'd finally stop blaming myself for the problems that have been heaped upon me. The merry-go-round goes round and round, and I want to scream STOP! I WANT TO GET OFF!!

I think one reason that I am slipping a bit here in even entertaining that garbage is because I have been sick for almost two weeks dealing with this skin rash. Not knowing what caused this allergic reaction causing my skin to whelp and itch and feel like I'm sleeping on a bed of nails is only half the problem. The other half is that my doctor doesn't even know what caused such a violent reaction. I'm not used to taking medications for any ailment, only natural supplements, so that has been different and a bit scary. What if I react to what my doctor prescribed due to my super sensitivities! I always think about stuff when I don't feel well. So I need to stop entertaining this demon that is plaguing my life and move on. That's what the message was saying, focus on the race I'm running, and stop wondering about things I cannot change. Again the Lord says, "Focus on Me!" Time to count my blessings!  

Mia, my son's calico cat, is sleeping on my bed. She hadn't been sleeping in here until recently, although when Alex favors us with a visit, she will slink in to check to see if he's going to stick around for a while. But the other night I was awakened by the sound of my squeaky rocker, and sure enough Mia was back reclaiming her old territory. Alex only visits for his meal, then he's asking to go out again to play with the other cats in the area who stalk at all hours. Now that the weather is getting warmer I probably won't see him unless it rains. That's Alex, very self-absorbed. But then cats aren't as congenial as dogs.

Not being able to really go anywhere or do anything because of constant itching, I thought I had missed Palm Sunday. It wasn't until later that it finally dawned on me. When my life is thrown out of kilter I seems to get confused, and I guess I've been thinking about Resurrection Sunday being right around the corner. Every day I think about that day and all that led up to the grand celebration, and I certainly don't want to miss it. I had wanted to invite someone over for a meal, as I've not entertained since I've been home. Not that I've done it in many years. When I was married, living here in Virginia before our untimely move to New Mexico, we had so many friends, and we'd open our home for a block party. Each guest would bring some meat and a side dish, and we'd make a day of it. The children were still young, so all the kids from the block would come along with those from the church families we'd invited. There was so much food, hamburgers, chicken, and hot dogs on the grill, and homemade ice cream. It was nice as people flowed in and out all day and well into the night. No raucous noise or behavior. Everyone played nicely, even the adults. I miss those days, and again, I begin to wonder...what if?!

I guess this is a day of self-reflection, as my health heals, and as I try to take it easy today. The message Pastor Greg presented today was based on Luke 9:28-36 where Jesus takes Peter, James, and John to the mountain to pray. As usual they fall asleep - the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak - but they wake up to discover Jesus praying with the appearance of His face altered and His clothes radiant with light. He was talking to Moses and Elijah about His death in Jerusalem. Impulsive Peter blurts out a statement, and God admonishes him by saying "This is My beloved Son. Hear Him!" He'd already been scolded by Jesus for trying to change the course of events to come. I know if I heard God's voice I'd pay heed! Peter had that sort of character, but then Jesus had nicknamed John and James "sons of thunder." Quite an interesting trio this inner circle, but Jesus saw not who they were, but who they would become. That's the good thing about God. He loves us so much that He's patient in putting up with our ridiculous outbursts or behavior. I can well imagine that He shakes His head at some stuff I say or do. I'm so glad He does, especially when I have days like this one.

There's so much that needs to be done, and for some reason, I cannot seem to awaken my creative spirit. My dreams seem to be slipping away, and even though I remember the words God has spoken to me, I wonder if He still feels the same way about me. Have I wasted too much time? Has someone finished what I was supposed to do? I don't really know, so I'll think about what I do know. I know that God has a plan for my life, for each person's life. He decides these things before He even knits us together in our mother's wombs according to Psalm 139. I know that although my life may not have turned out as I would have liked, I know that I have been gifted with an amazing journey. Although I miss my old life in New Mexico, and I miss the land that I love, I know that wherever I am is home, because God is here. Holy Spirit living in me gives me perfect peace, even when my skin is crawling and itching never gives me a moment's peace. But then, that's temporary, or at least I certainly pray it is so. I'm content here, living with my younger son, even living with the cats, but I realize that there is more to come. So I wait, sometimes impatiently, eager to discover all the things He's planned for me, for my family. It's time they turned the page on some things in their lives too, but that is best left at the foot of the cross. I trust in God to finish that work. 

I think it's time to rest for the night, put my thoughts aside and dream of things to be.