Day 99 Not What I Wanted

 

4/9/2026

"My heart is steadfast, O God,

my heart is steadfast; 

I will sing and give praise."

Psalm 57:7

 

I'm fighting to hold back the tears that I've been hiding inside all day. Each day I put on my smile that hides the deepest pain within my heart. I don't dare share my pain with anyone other than Jesus, because honestly He's the only one who can understand and respond in the appropriate way. He's the only one who truly knows me!  

This morning in the global prayer call we laid our feelings before the Lord, calling on His wisdom, recommitting ourselves to remain active as watchmen on the wall of Jerusalem. Today marked 916 days of daily prayer calls for Israel. We truly have witnessed countless answers to prayer and supernatural, divine intervention, and we fully realize that before all is said and done in this long battle, all men will come to the realization that only God could have done it! Only God is the one who can change the course of a nation. Throughout scripture this truth is repeated over and over and over again. Man can only do so much, but God will not share the glory with man. God alone receives the praise, honor, and glory!

This morning I was awakened by an unsettling dream, the meaning I still do not understand. I am reminded of a very cruel voice message I received from someone I love very much. It's not unique in that I have received so many messages like this, and things said to me directly. I know that the words are demonically inspired, but I feel so helpless to stop them, other than to separate myself for a season and devote the matter to prayer. The dream I had involved three newborn puppies, whose fates did not fare well, except possibly one. I pray for clarity if this dream is from the Lord. I know that I've been subjected to so many vicious attacks over the past four months that the enemy can also invade my dreams. I immediately remembered a time in my life when a little white kitten, who was blind, was used to torment me. But the dream unsettled me. I was able to worship and spend time with Abba, but I kept remembering and have been unable to fully put it to rest.

Later in the day I made a call to friend, and the conversation was interrupted several times by losing the call, because his phone needed to be charged. We persevered, and as he shared, I listened intently, as his words were so similar to what I am experiencing in my life. This brought some encouragement, as I mentioned previously, I do not talk to people easily. He challenged me to take a step of faith, as he had just done, to apply for a passport, so when, or if, the time comes, and God says "Go" I will be ready, as will he. Peter is an intercessor, like me, and he has been a spiritual father, for many years. He lives in Pagosa Springs, Colorado, and he lost his beloved wife Rebekah not too long ago. I know the loss is great for him, and it is also for me. I know she is safely in the arms of Jesus. That is our joy, but I know he really misses his handmaiden. I pray that I will be able to see Peter this side of heaven, but he is advancing in age way past me. What I realize more and more is that only God knows the length of our days. I shared with someone else today, who lost his wife also, that God must not be finished with us yet, as we remain behind. My only desire, other than seeing Jesus face to face, is to hear Him say, "Well done, My good and faithful servant," knowing that I completed the work He has for me to do. I believe we all feel that way.

After feeling better just for hearing from Peter, I decided to call my young friend, the daughter of my dear friend Irma who passed away shortly after I moved here in 2021. The circumstances were so disturbing that I do not go a day without remembering, the loss is still so great. Her daughter has been very close to me, and we have stayed in touch. Her birthday was the other day, and I hadn't heard back from her, so I tried to call her. She didn't answer my texts, so I was concerned. I finally called her dad, and I found out that Jill had passed away before Easter from pneumonia. Words cannot express the loss I feel. As I write these words, it's the first time I have been able to grieve. I loved her dearly, and although I could never take the place of her mother, she was like a daughter to me, and I knew that she loved me too. Her life had been one of many hurts, especially after losing her beloved husband, Jesse unexpectedly about ten years ago. But, in recent days she had been living life again, enjoying her children, the older a mother of two children. Her daughter Grace graduated last year, and her son may be graduating this year. I spoke to them not that long ago. I have such special memories, and I am grateful for those precious times, but the loss is more than I can bear at this time. I seem to be losing many people I love. 

We all have dreams. We all have hopes. I always wanted my children to have what I was denied, and I always supported their dreams. Sadly, I was not told certain things, and I cannot change what followed. But even if things happen in life, and our dreams seem to be over, I do believe with God all things are possible, and He can make a way where there seems to be no way. Scripture bears that truth. I hang on to that truth from His Word, because I hang on to my dreams. My life is not what I wanted for my myself, not what I had envisioned, but there is nothing I can do now except continue to take each step, each day, and live my life totally for Him.

So, I write, and I wait, and I learn from Him in the secret place. The closer I feel to Jesus, the more love I have for others, and the more I want to see them succeed in their lives. These turbulent days are so unsettling if one focuses on the negative, but if we put our trust in Jesus, and if we spend time in His Presence, we will be able to live in His peace and share this peace with others. That is a much better way to spend our days, as opposed to tearing each other down or listening to social media berate others. It's time to grow up and wise up and see the Lord while He may be found. He is the only truth!