Even If...I Will Trust You

Holidays are very difficult times for me, especially since my daddy passed away last year just before Christmas.  It was a bitter sweet passing, as he had suffered so long, and he missed my mother so much.  Mama died on the very same day, three years prior to daddy's passing.  The day before my daddy died he asked my sister if she knew what day it was.  He knew.   I believe mama and daddy had a date, and she was waiting at heaven's gate to welcome him home.

As I think about my family tears come to my eyes, but also, a smile lights my face as I remember.  Childhood can be a wonderful memory if we choose to view it as a blessing even if it really was the opposite at times.  Terror to a child comes in many faces, yet also grace abides to protect in ways we cannot see at the time.

I was sharing with my younger son this morning that I have lived to see so many historical moments, both exciting and cruel.  I still get teary eyed and a bit angry as I recall certain injustices, mockeries, atrocities of war, and the mistreatment of others.  But what concerns me more is that even as advanced as our present culture has become, the injustices, mockeries, atrocities, and mistreatment continue.  Prejudice and hate fill the hearts of people in a diverse world where it should not be so.  Who can look at the face of a homeless man, woman, child and not have compassion?  Who can see a hungry animal and not feed it?  Who can see an old woman fallen on the sidewalk, or even worse in the street as she attempts to cross it, and not stop to rush to her assistance.  Compassion, honor, integrity.  Are these not present in our hearts today?

While reading my Daily Walk Bible this morning I began to think about my children and the things they have faced in their lives,  things that continue to challenge them daily.  I think about all the children of the world who face challenges, heartbreaks, misfortune, and I pray.  I pray for broken relationships to be healed, reconciliation with one another, but mostly I pray that God would break their hearts, as He has broken mine, for what breaks His heart.  This is a mighty prayer, and it is not to be taken lightly, as I promise you that He will show you things you wish you did not see or know.  But it also gives you strength to know that God cares about every aspect of your life, your being, every breath you take.  Try it.  I promise, you will never be the same again.

In December of last year, as I was working in my office at home, I heard God's voice clearly saying to me these words, "Trust Me." I stopped and listened, and finally I said, "I will trust You, Lord, even if...."  After that my world changed so dramatically.  I don't think that any part of it has not been tested including my work, my personal life, my family, my church, my friendships, my world in general.  And even though it has been a bumpy ride, I am still trusting God to make all things good again.  Some may feel this is naive of me, considering certain events, but I don't share that belief.  The older I grow, the more I am convinced that God is able to do ALL things, nothing is impossible with Him.  And even if things don't turn out as I had hoped they would, still I see blessings in what has transpired all around me.  It is a choice I have made to trust Him, even if.  I invite you to do the same.  It's worth it!

Voices and Attitude

For many years I have been listening to voices telling me why I can't do certain things.  Never the opposite.  Familiar voices of family, friends, even strangers.  Paralyzing fear follows.  So overpowering that I can't seem to rise against the downward spiral it releases.  The only thing that keeps me from completely being overcome by this great force is my rock solid belief that I can do whatever I set my heart and mind to do with God's help.  That belief comes from my faith in God, and His ability, not my own. 

Over the years the enemy of fear and "you can't do" have caused me to lose much ground in accomplishing my dreams. So much so that today I don't remember what my dreams were much less how to attain them.  I become encouraged only to be let down or shoved back, because rather than listen to the One who created me and birthed these ideas in my heart, I have chosen to listen to the voices that only rebuff, criticize.

Today I find myself discouraged, but I don't know why.  The wind is blowing, it is cold, I am tired. Tomorrow begins another week of doing the same thing.  Not that my work isn't challenging, because it is very much so.  It's just not what I want to be doing with my time right now.  But then, I am not sure where I would want to be or what I desire to be doing. My dreams have faded, and I am straining to see what purpose I may yet have in this world.

What is the answer? Where can I find the answers I seek?  Why can't I lift myself from this despair?

As I mull over this great dilemma the neighborhood dog chooses that moment to stop by to say hello.  The familiar "ah ooooo" comes out sharply, like a wolf baying at the moon.  She never barks, just howls.  I have to laugh, because she does it with such disregard, demanding my attention, but with such  joy at seeing me, acknowledging my presence even if all she hears is "please shut up!"  I admit I am not always as excited about seeing her as she is at seeing me.  But the laughter takes me away from the moment and sets my sight on the simple joys around me that brighten my day.  God does indeed work in mysterious ways, does He not?!

The moods have passed as I watch the antics of this kindly saint playing and romping before me.  The wind is still blowing, rain gently falling, and the earth and my spirit are renewed.  No more voices for today, only the reassurance that each day brings opportunity, and we all choose how we deal with it.  It's all about attitude and state of mind. I have decided to focus on the positive things I see, and the furry friend who loves me.

Written 3/22/13

My Island of Misfit Toys

There is a place where I can go and not feel alone. A place of wonder, beauty, laughter, acceptance and new beginnings.  A place where trust and respect are not earned but granted freely. Where I can go without the guilt and shame of past regrets imprisoning me.  To a place where I feel worthy, believed in, accepted for who I am, capable of accomplishing the impossible, helped when I am weak, forgiven when I am wrong. A place where I can forgive myself and others, realizing we are all fragile and capable of wrong thoughts and deeds, but where we can rise above anything on the wings of faith. To begin again, to be made brand new, with the strength of others, who are just like me, just like you. No longer alone, no longer excluded, living together in harmony, love and faith. Where the impossible dreams become possibilities and realities!

His Great Love

Recently while attending a meeting an unannounced in-service training was held, following with a quiz to test our comprehension of the topic.  Suddenly the relaxed atmosphere changed into panic for me, as I have been experiencing what I label as "test fright" for the past few years every time there are training.  There is no rational reason for this fear, as I can honestly say my company does everything to help me and my co-workers succeed; there is no failure unless I choose it.  Only I cannot make my brain understand that simple truth.  It's like another me takes over, and I make mistakes by misreading the question, and if perchance I have to retake a quiz the fear becomes worse. I spend the greater part of the time physically shaking, unable to focus, and this shaken feeling continues throughout the remainder of the day, even to the night making it impossible to sleep.  One person calls this response the fear of failure.  Perhaps because I am older I fear ridicule by others.  Thinking back in my life  for the root of this terrible malady. I recall incidents which may  have led to these feelings, but if I have truly forgiven my offenders, why do the feelings persist?  Why do I continue to struggle?  How can I overcome?

Satan, the true enemy of our souls wants us to remain defeated, so he finds ways to torment, belittle, demean us, to keep our focus on past failures, regrets, hurts, so we cannot possibly focus on the task at hand.  God does not remember the sins of the past when He looks at us.  He only sees His Son, Jesus.  Our past regrets, failures, outright sins are thrown into His sea of forgetfulness.  But the father of lies continues to ply his trade of deceit, guilt, shame, regret, betrayal, hurt, fear, and we become paralyzed by this fear, never moving to the next step or reaching success.

I, for one, am so tired of feeling this way, of seeing my family continuously in a state of despair for wrong choices or worse still physically ill due to circumstances in which they had no control. Of being held in unseen chains of fear, crippling, limiting us, making us feel unworthy, and even incapable of achieving anything greater, bound by never being good enough.  As I stand in the gap for my family's salvation, reconciliation, deliverance, healing I purpose anew to focus on what God thinks and how He loves us and wants us to live in victory, never defeat.  "For God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but through Him might be saved. He gave not His Only Son unto the world to condemn the world, but that the world, through Him, might be saved.  While we were yet sinners Christ died for us."

I am humbled daily by acts of kindness towards me.  God knows what I need, but I don't want to rely on human regard, only on what I know of His love and acceptance of me.  I have been so awed by His continual grace and mercy towards me in my life, my family's life, my job, my church. Oh how He loves me, how He loves all.

Father, please help us get past the fears in our lives and truly rest on Christ alone. I want to remain a humble servant in Your eyes, Lord, and I do not want to be seen for myself, but for You in me, because without You, I am nothing.  I am nothing without Christ living in me.  "I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live; yet, not I, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me."

As I consider this great, limitless, all encompassing and unsurpassing love, how can I continue to allow the enemy to bring defeat?  I purpose this day to go forth in victory and strength in knowing how You see me, how You love me, understanding that You not only have a plan and purpose for my life, but a plan, purpose, a high calling for each of us who accepts and lives by the power of Your great love.  Thank You, Lord, for Your great love.

Written 3/30/13

And So It Goes

The past few weeks have been interesting to say the least.  Certain events that transgress,  plots unravel, and there's a new crisis yet to demand attention.  Exhausting.  There comes a time in a person's life where enough really is enough!  And so it goes.

I have been slowly approaching this catharsis in my life, as stress has been threatening to destroy my well being, my very existence.  I have been unable to sleep, rest, complete my daily work, think even at times.  All that I know or knew to be consistent has suddenly become inconsistent and givens, shaky.  The ground has been shifting beneath me, and I have been struggling not to be sucked into  this point of no return.

I've been on this quest to "find myself" yet all I have "found" or discovered actually is that I already know myself, I've never been lost, but I just need to regroup, recommit, and get back on track without listening to the unsolicited advice of those who have been trying, howbeit unsuccessfully, to suck me down into the same pit they find themselves.  So enough of that negativity, as I pull myself up by the bootstraps again and focus on the real that is right before my eyes.  How's that for reality!!

Suffice it to say I have not arrived, probably never will, as to "arrive" one must become perfect, and perfectionism is  unattainable if we are "real".  So I'll just settle for what I have called before "becoming".  Which is simply a way of saying that I am simply who I am, for the better, I hope, myself.  Or what my son says "what you see is pretty much what you get."  I think that was a compliment for being an "authentic" person with all my quirks.

In reading back over these three paragraphs I find that they don't make a whole heap of sense, except to me, so I will try to muddle through what's been going on in my life.  To say my plate has been "full" is an understatement.  I think my plate has been over full for quite some time, and my trying to eat away at the excess has been causing an overload in my system to where I am at the point of hurling it out in order to find relief.  I have to decompress or cease to exist.

I have decided that in order to remain at rest I must avoid those things or people who bring unrest to my life.  I need to avoid negativity, surrounding myself with positive, life-giving people, avoiding those who suck the life out of me.  All my life I have given to the point of there not being anything left to give.  I am a void on the brink of oblivion.  I need to be recharged, and I am clueless of how to to it, other than avoid what causes me stress.  Even if that means I ignore the telephone when it rings, avoid people who drain or who cannot see a thing to be thankful for in their lives.  They see what isn't while not seeing the blatantly obvious or what is.  The half empty glass kind of people.  I prefer the half full kind.

So on it goes.  Life goes on, and I am going to live it to the full, even if I have to regroup and recharge on occasion.  Miles to go before I sleep, as the saying goes.  Life is full of daily lessons and oodles of blessings.  We just need to keep our eyes open to them!  Live life!  I am.

Once More...The Journey Begins

Once more I find myself at a crossroads in life – having to make a career choice, starting over. But it is at the almost age of 63  I find a bit disconcerting to be trying to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life, when most people are contemplating retirement, or like most of my school chums who decided to be teachers, already enjoying retirement.  So what makes my life so different?  Choices, I suppose, and yet, I also am beginning to truly understand that my life has been orchestrated by a greater Mind than my own.

I attempt to view life as a challenge, and I am always trying to keep my eyes open to creative possibilities.  When the children were small, my favorite word was “modify”.  If something didn’t work, or fit, or if a certain subject matter wasn’t “clicking”, I’d approach it from a different angle.  I was considered “versatile” and “creative”, but my means to an end generally worked out… or “lucked out” in some considered opinions.  I also wasn’t afraid of traveling by myself with my small children.  Sometimes without much planning or anticipation, off we’d go, working my way across the country going from East Coast to West Coast, ending up on the other shore with family, while my husband flew the distance.  He worked, and I didn’t or I had greater flexibility in my schedule.  To some in the family I was considered a pioneer, one to be admired for my bravery.  For me I loved driving across country, visiting with friends and family as I skipped my way across, up and down, different routes, visiting zoos and parks along the way, making my own entertainment as we journeyed sometimes for hours.  While the children slept, I dreamed of places yet to see, challenges yet to meet, things to do, art to create and stories to tell.  I was a Dreamer, like Joseph of Bible times.  And like Joseph, my path has taken me through many twists and turns, ups and downs, lies, deceit and betrayals.  But he survived and fulfilled his dream, and I believe through perseverance my dream will also come to fruition.  A former COO once said I needed to be versatile and have a good sense of humor to accomplish my job, which I do, and they have served me well whatever path I’ve trodden.

So, yet again, I face another fork in the road.  Does it entail remaining here or moving away, continuing on while starting over, or completely starting over while continuing on?  I don’t know.  And today, it is certainly not my main focus, because with every diversion, every hitch, there are other people to take into consideration.  People are always affected by the choices we make in life.  That is part of the life process we call “change”.  Used to be that the older I would become I would absolutely shudder at the thought of that word “change”.  The sheer mention of the word brought fear and loathing, often paralyzing me to the point of inactivity, just brooding, silence.  Today, I am trying to see it in a different light.  Trying to understand what it means to me in the plan and purpose for my life.  My wise son reminded me recently, as I have reminded him over his lifetime that we go through places in life, be it tragedy, loss, death, separation, betrayal, health changes, because it is part of the plan to teach us a lesson we need to learn in life.  I go a bit further with my explanation to say these “lessons” prepare us for the fulfillment of a goal, a purpose, a dream.  The testing, trials are for our making, if you will.  Bad things always happen along the way, but life cannot be perfect and things worth having are worth the wait and the work…or even the lesson.  We all have purpose.  Finding that purpose, living to fulfill that purpose is the journey.  And think about it another way…if we had a perfect life, if we never walked certain roads or endured trials, how could we possibly relate to or encourage another living soul?  Without the empathy, the understanding of similar life walks and experiences, we are clueless of what another may feel.  These are valuable lessons to learn, if we can see it from that perspective, don’t you think?

Regardless of the many swings and sways in my near 63 years of living I can honestly say that I have not lost the vision…the dream.  I can also testify that the immensely challenging twists and turns in my recent years, especially in the place I now find myself, my job, the people I have and continue to serve, as well as those I partner with daily have helped me define the person I want to be in my life of living out the purpose God has planned for me.  Definitions, the art of defining, come with much precision and interpretation which in itself is challenging.  It is part of the analogy of chiseling away at a diamond in the rough or the potter and the clay process.  It can be a quite painful process, but the final work of art is definitive and durable.

So this week as I endure another step along the way in determining the next move, I trust I can do so with vision and focus keeping the flexibility and laughter, keeping my attitude positive, heart joyful and grateful for the journey thus far.

Choose Life

As a child I loved to read.  I'd spend hours on a Sunday afternoon curled upstairs on the attic floor, outside on top of the "big rock" in the woods or in the car on rainy days laying on the seat with my feet in the window.  I traveled many mental miles to Greece, Burma, antebellum southern plantations.   I was ten years old when I first developed this insatiable appetite for the printed page reading classics like The Illiad, The Oddessy, The Burma Surgeon, civil war tales of love and slavery.  I dreamed of being a foreign correspondent, of traveling the world fighting injustices of the day.

Mildred Green was the Librarian at our school, and she was also a dear family friend.  Almost every teacher at that small country school were family/church friends or connected to us personally in some way.  Each Friday I'd faithfully go to the library and select my "stack" of weekend reading material guided by the suggestion of Mrs. Green, who had read every book on the library walls.  She knew how to stimulate my active imagination, and I was always astounded at her knowledge of any subject matter.  She was an amazing lady, and a dear and cherished childhood friend.

I still love to read, although I don't have as much time these days.  I have several "old friends" I visit, like old movies I play and replay.  Lost in the stories, adventures, imaginations of those who write the tales.  Over the years I've made attempts to capture my thoughts on paper, yet the enthusiasm I felt as a child has waned. As I aged life happened, and with the needs of every day survival I have lost the desire to dream. 

When my children were younger we read all the time. I encouraged it. I created dramas using the stuffed animals, bringing life to every day adventures. Personalities stuck and as the children grew up and became young adults the memories of the characters has continued to live on in their hearts.  Today I am remembering those days at my grandparents' home.  The people who touched my life and help to birth the imagination that is now held captive in this adult form. Everyone I knew then has died, and I am left alone to either remain paralyzed and fearful or to make an effort to find and rebirth the excitement and dare to live again.

I am reminded of the story of Moses and the exodus from Egypt.  As Joshua is beginning to lead the people of Israel into the Promised Land, Moses reminds them of the faithfulness of God during their 40 year trek through the wilderness. He tells them that God has set before them life and death. Which will they choose?

Today as I listen to the birds singing, the breeze gently blowing, wind chimes ringing I feel energized and able to try again.  To embrace life with enthusiasm.  Eager to live!  Join me, won't you?!

Becoming

Yesterday my older son asked me a question I have been asking myself...What exactly are you afraid of?  Asking for the advice, or more indirectly, the advice of your child, can be daunting.  My son is usually very cynical, in a fun loving kind of way - a trait I am told by my younger son he learned from me.  He told me this laughingly as he broke the news to me.  I now recognize the truth behind his statement.  But what my son told me, his "advice" was to do what makes "me" happy.  He went on to tell me that my entire life I have been doing what everyone else wanted me to do or doing something for the sake of another, not myself.  I hadn't thought about it that way, as I have simply done what I felt I needed to do at the time.  Which, I might add, has gotten me into a world of trouble at times.

I have been laboring over the thought of what would make me happy for quite some time, or perhaps a better question would be "What would bring me fulfillment?"  It seems that over the years in struggling in one way or another to survive I have completely forgotten who I am, much less what makes me happy.  I don't feel I have a definitive calling or gift to share with the world, or that I am talented in any way to be useful to another.  Despite any success or achievements I have gotten along the way, I remain devoid of any worth, in my own estimation.

This year, I hope, will be a turning point for me as I work my way through my decision making process.  So I am going to set goals for myself along the way.  A goal I have had for quite some time is to "blog".  Two weeks ago I finally started writing, but I lack the courage to "publish".  Nonetheless, I started!  I have always kept journals, so I try to write daily as I study, read, live life.  My days are so full that there are many days I don't write at all.  This year I began by making it a point to write regardless of how overwhelming a day I have endured.  The point is to write.

I am always concerned with the welfare of others.  When I was a child I used to spend much of my time with my grandparents who were my life.  I still miss them terribly.  I used to love to listen to Papa tell stories about when he was growing up or spend time with my Grammy in the kitchen.  Grammy and Papa were my safety, my happiness.  I was free to be myself without fear of correction or punishment if I happened to make a mistake.  I felt loved and accepted.  My grandparents never owned a home of their own, until papa died and Grammy lived in a mobile home one of her sons helped her purchase.  Still, she missed the home she shared with Papa. They rented a place in the country from Tom Puryear who owned a little country store with pot belly stoves and cookie and candy jars lining the front counter.  I can see it clearly in my memory.  A table next to the pot belly stove where the men would play checkers throughout the day and share the local news.  The dogs vegged out next to the stove, greeting anyone who entered the door with wag of the tail.  I'd talk to Tom or his wife, Mary, and he'd give me a giant cookie, or I'd buy a Twinkie and head on up to their house to visit Mary's mama, Mrs. Slate who was bedridden and elderly.  I loved those folks.  They were part of my childhood, an important part.  I cannot remember why Mrs. Slate was bedridden, but I would visit with her for an hour or better, listening to her stories, looking at her ribbons and other treasures she'd share with me, memories of her childhood.  When she died she left me a fortune...her ribbon box, lace gloves and some embroidered handkerchiefs.  Over the years these treasures have become misplaced, but the memory lives on forever in my heart.

What is it that makes me happy?  I think the answer to that question is making other people happy.  Giving them memories to hang on to, spending time with them. Whether it be laughter, a present, or memories of times shared in the company of another, I want to be a gift, just like my grandparents were a gift to me.  Just like Mrs. Slate gave me a wonderful childhood friendship.  I want to value others, and give my life to encourage, sharing wisdom I have gleaned in my lifetime.

When my daddy died, my sister and I presented the eulogy at his funeral.  I read a portion of The Velveteen Rabbit I felt represented my dad's life and wisdom, as he was always comfortable, more loving and accepting of children, perhaps something he missed as a child growing up without a mother.  It was the part of the story where the ever truthful Skin Horse tells the Rabbit what it means to be Real.  Read it.  You'll discover that in being "real" you "become".  And no one can ever take it away from you.

Written 2/18/13

Simply Trusting

My weekends are times I enjoy spending with God.  I don't have to rush to get ready for work in the mornings or worry about getting to bed early in the evenings.  It's our time.  I am selfish about that time.  Sunday mornings I generally go to church, as my mother always stressed the importance of being a part of a local fellowship.   Beside which I have always loved to going to church, singing and learning.

Many things have happened over the course of my life to cause me to change this habit.  Sometimes my thoughts become so deep about how I may be feeling at a certain time, that I prefer to spend my time only with Him.  This isn't meant to exclude anyone, nor do I think I am better, it is a coping mechanism I have adapted when my heart is overwhelmed, and I just cannot bring myself to share how I feel with another person. Probably because I fear the rejection, the disinterest, the misunderstandings that usually follow.

I am at another crossroads in my life, and I am having a hard time coping with my feelings. Sometimes I get so angry and disappointed in others, in myself, but I cannot put my finger on the root cause of how I feel.  Does it all come back to me from a past failure, unhealed memory or broken heart?  Why does it haunt me so?  How can I explain it to others when I don't even understand myself?

These are the times that my heart cries out to God, My Father, the Creator of my life, the One who gives me purpose, Who accepts me as His own, unreservedly, my Best Friend.  He is my Rock in times of troubles, He is the Truth that sets me free, He is the air I breathe each day.  Although I walk through these valleys, these shadows of doubt, fear, uncertainty, I should have no fear, because I know He is there beside me.  Whatever this cloud is that hangs over my head I know He'll show me what to do to turn this muggy, dreary existence into Life and Light.  I hear the words, "Trust Me" so clearly.

So no matter how I "feel" today, tomorrow, how many days that come, I need to hold fast to His words, to His promises to me to simply trust Him.  Focused, determined, trusting Him....simply trusting Him whatever befalls, trusting Jesus that is all.

Written 3/24/13

Home Once More

In December my dad died, and since that time I have been aimlessly wandering emotionally, not certain which direction to turn.  We lived over a thousand miles apart for 25 years, and all this time I have been trying to find my way back home.  Trying to find a place to belong, a place to simply "be".  Along the way I have lost myself, so to speak, as I grew up and "became". Sometimes who we become or exist as is not the person we truly were meant to be.  This probably doesn't mean much to the casual reader, but to those who have done the exact opposite of what their chosen path was meant to be, I think you'll understand the complexity of the place I find myself.

My dad had one desire before he died.  He wanted to go home one more time to the place he had shared with his wife, companion and his best friend.  He did in fact go home, but only for a short visit, as he departed shortly thereafter on a greater journey home to be with his wife, my mama.  I have no doubt she was waiting for him, as he departed three years to the day she died ... home once more.

Direction

Each year I re-read the Bible, generally choosing a new walk through plan or book.  This year I picked up an old friend, The Daily Walk Bible, deciding it was time to revisit and see what new lessons I learn along the way or remember from the times I read this particular version.  Reading notes in the margins is always a challenge, especially when I find I have not progressed from the place I was the last time I read the book, which can amount to a number of years sometimes.  Then again, it is a privilege to note that I have grown somewhat in other instances.

This month I have been reading Leviticus which is often difficult for me to read or understand, because it covers the sacrifices and the rules of everyday conduct.  As I began the closing chapter yesterday it spoke of the Year of Jubilee every 50th year and the forgiveness of debts every 7th year as well as the rest for the land every 7th year.  There would be no planting, no harvesting, no working the land, but rather, living off the volunteer plants, all sharing.  So as I pondered the importance of this law to the Jewish people I began to think about how it related to me living in the world today.  And suddenly it appeared to me that there may be a message for me I have been overlooking but sorely needing to see.  So I did a little math based on my life, and the results were inspiring.

In recent months I have been asking God to show me the direction for my life.  Changes may be in the works involving my work which means that I may need to relocate, unless of course I remain here which still means change.  I have had way too much change in my life since moving to New Mexico, so change is not something I take to easily.  And yet, I know change can be good. When I did the math I realized that this August 14th would be the beginning of my 7th year, the same time I can qualify for social security, and the same time I may need to move yet again.  The thought of the possibilities is a bit exciting, but also very scary for an older woman living all alone.  Nonetheless it is an adventure which may change my life very drastically.

Written 2/9/13