Day 159 You're Gonna Be Okay

 

6/8/2026

"One night along in prayer might make us new men,

changed from poverty of soul to spiritual wealth,

from trembling to triumphing."

Charles Spurgeon

"With thee all night I mean to stay,

and wrestle till the break of day."

 

Sitting here alone in my room early in the morning, listening to bird songs, catching the scent of freshly cut lawn and clean earth, I remembered the days spent with my daddy before he passed away to join my mama in heaven. I miss him. I miss them both, and I don't think the hurt, the emptiness, never leaves us, because we have pleasant memories, perhaps even mixed with other thoughts, but I thank God that good always wins in my memory.

When I finished cutting the grass yesterday, looking back over it I could see my daddy sitting in his old, battered yard chair, sitting quietly, lost in thought. In the cool of the day he'd drag out that old chair and there he'd rest, content with his day. I know he missed my mama, and I wonder how many days he spent all alone even while she was still living, but resting in her bed. My sister helped him as much as she could, and I lived 2,000 miles away, unable to come home except a couple of times a year. So many times I wish I'd come home sooner, but he made me promise something, and I did the best I could. When he told me I could come, I felt I needed a job, and I couldn't find one. It seemed as if nothing panned out for me here, but perhaps I didn't try hard enough. The promise was hard to break. Now I'm here, but he's moved on to higher ground. I can't blame him. I don't think either of them would like this present world very much. They had too much good in them to be content in an America that's forgotten God.

Everything changes when we grow up, marry and have children. Women follow their husbands wherever they want to go, and such was the case with me. It was a bittersweet move to New Mexico, but I was obedient, and here I am now, family scattered, and my husband no longer my husband. It's okay, because God has taken me places I would never been able to go before. And although I missed a lot of people, places, and opportunities, He move than gifted me with more. I have met so many fine people, and when I left to return home, I later found out that many had died. That saddens me, because I hope they were not lonely. For many my visits were welcomed, even though I was performing my job duties. Still, for me, and for them, our relationship was more, and it was never just a home visit.

As I looked over the lawn my thoughts turned to other days, so I pulled out my old red retro yard chair and sat in my favorite spot across from daddy's nestled among the crepe myrtle trees. It would have been much better with the blossoms hanging over me, but they stopped blooming from spider mite infestation. Rescuing those trees has become my mission in life. My daddy planted those trees, more memories. So, naturally I'd love to sit among them and think about days gone by. Missing my grandparents, playing catch with anyone who'd toss the ball with me. I even missed hanging clothes on the line, but for some reason daddy thought it best to take those down. I wonder if he ever thought I'd make it back home.

Later on, after supper, I sat binging the last season of The Chosen. My heart broke as Jesus stood waiting for Judas to come forward to betray him, before they took Him away. As the disciples stood behind Jesus and watched in silently, in unbelief watching a man they called brother, kiss and betray the man who called his betrayer, My Friend. The look on Jesus' face I will never forget, as I imagine it to have been like that on His face. My heart broke with His at this betrayal. I have felt the hurt of betrayal, but not to the extent that our Messiah experienced it. He knew what He was facing, and He had agonized in the Garden prior to Judas' arrival, asking His Father to take the cup away. Nevertheless, not His will, but the will of the Father be done. 

As I was listening to worship music earlier in the day, I heard one by Jenn Johnson at Bethel Music I'd not heard before called "You're Gonna Be Okay." It opens with the following lyrics: "I know it's all you've got to just be strong, and it's a fight just to keep it together, together. I know you think that you are too far gone, but hope is never lost, hope is never lost. Hold on, don't let go. Hold on, don't let go."

That's how my day actually began, then followed the memories and the rest. The song is quite compelling, and I heard it just at the right time, which is usually the way God does sit when I turn on my playlist. I guess AI does have a plus if it had anything to do with choosing this song based on my likes. Mia has been keeping me company in the mornings, so I'm not lonely, as my cat is still enjoying the fresh morning air and lounging outside. He definitely loves this time of year. How could I not allow him this freedom to just be what he is - free to be!

Many people are alone, and many don't have memories of parents or friends and family. Over the course of the journey God set me on, beginning in New Mexico, I have met and grown to love so many lonely people, some with family, others without. But even those with family can be lonely, left alone except when I visit. All for show? Perhaps, but hopefully not always. 

Now that I have a car, and my health has improved, I need to follow through on what I wanted to do at the nursing center near my home. My community work has fallen off, especially since last December, but now I have a chance to pick up where I left off, or I can begin afresh! Where can my dreams go? Where can I follow?

One thing I know...it's gonna be okay!