Happy New Year!

 Here I am at one minute before the hour marking the close of 2014 and beginning of 2015.  Don't have much to say, as this little guy says it all.  No matter what comes your way, never give up!  Trusting God for an exciting New Year!

The Life I Live

As we enter into a new year it is important to reflect upon the one we are leaving behind. The older I become the more important it is to me to have a life well-lived, especially as regards my Christian testimony "Christ in you, the hope of glory." (Colossians 1:27)

This morning I listened to the first part of a series of teachings on the Book of Acts. It's always interesting the way God works in me.  The title was "Waiting Upon the Lord" and this seems to be what I have been doing for quite awhile now.  Sometimes I wonder why He wants me here, and I really wonder what possible good I can do for Him.

This first teaching was on Acts 1:1-5 and the speaker poses this one question: "Is the gospel of Jesus Christ going to the ends of the earth from your Jerusalem?" or more succinctly, "Do I believe in the resurrection, and does my life show it?"

Over the past 24 weeks I have been involved in the teaching of Francis Frangipane through In Christ's Image study.  Whenever you purpose in your heart to grow closer to the Lord and set your face to seeking more of Him, you will no doubt encounter more obstacles along the way to test your resolve.  I knew this going into this study, and I still chose to do it.  Interestingly it was during this same time that I finally decided to open my home to a small Bible study every other Friday, so you can imagine the anger being hurled my way by the enemy of our souls.  So now I am at yet another crossroads in my life where I need to decide, "Do I continue into Session 2 or wait awhile, take a breather?"  I think you all know the answer to that one if you know anything about me at all.

If nothing else the one thing about which I am passionate is being transformed into the image of Christ.  I want to touch the lives and hearts of others and show them that I not only believe  in the resurrection, but I know that He lives in me and working through me can change the world.  He does this through the lives of all who believe, put their faith in Him, and allow Him to change them into vessels for His use.  The love of God poured out for all to see and to all who long for a better life.

In our world today it is often difficult to love people who do abominable things in our eyes, yet to God there is no difference - sin is sin, none greater than the other.  If we can ask Him to forgive us, how can we not show the same love and compassion for another?  I know, sometimes the personal hurt caused is so deep this act of faith seems so impossible, but it can be done through a conscious act on our parts to love others as He loved us and gave Himself for us. The world will see and know Him through our love for one another.

The speaker also made this point - "Our lives are an open book, being read by all we see, being recorded by God. How will your story read?"

I can only speak for myself.  It is my prayer that regardless of the mistakes and wrong choices I've made, that from this day forward my story will be His story working through my life. As we approach the day of Christ's return there must first be the gospel of Jesus Christ going to the uttermost parts of the earth.  Also, the church of Jesus Christ as a whole needs to be purified, walking in unity, so that all may see the love for one another, in spite of cultural or denominational differences. The Bible speaks so clearly that we will be known as His disciples by the love we show to one another. That means working together for one common purpose, not concerned for self, but for His glory alone.

So let the work begin in me, and I pray through me, by the power of His indwelling Spirit. "Fore apart from Him, I can do nothing."

Shine On

Today marks the anniversary of my parents' deaths and the day my precious uncle is laid to rest.  I know they have already reunited in Heaven and are singing and rejoicing with the angels in the presence of our Lord and King.

Although it is a sad day, because we always miss the ones we love, it is a day of happiness for the life they now live, the one we have the hope of sharing if we merely place our hand in the hand of the One who loves us, who gave His life so we may live eternally in peace with Him.  It is beyond all imagining this life He offers to us if we simply believe and accept Him.

I have such cherished memories of my Uncle John, all engrafted on my heart since childhood. So many who knew him appreciate the warmth of his smile and the generosity of his spirit. He loved to laugh, and he loved his family well. Above all he lived his faith before all he met, a legacy we can pay forward.  As he touched each of our lives in a special way, so we need to share the hope with others. 

As we approach Christmas Day it is my prayer that we find new strength, new faith and hope in the dreams Christ has given to each of us.  Miracles do exist today, and it is my hope that we can look within ourselves to understand the meaning of this message.  We are candles set upon a hill, and they should never be hidden. Shine forth in darkness this Christmas and bring light to the world.  Never doubt His presence; never doubt His love. He lives.

Something to Consider

"Who would we be.. if just one percent of the people of the world were 

 complaint free? War would be laughed out of the room... just imagine 

people would speak more kindly... courtesy would be invited back 

into our homes.. our kitchens... We would care more about our children.. 

everyone is our child we would stop hating others... it would be 

just the beginning ~ of paradise. ~ " 

Maya Angelou

Yesterday, December 5, 2014 marked the one year anniversary of Nelson Mandela's passing, so it is proper and fitting that I write about my experience and convictions I hold dear today.  This month has already been difficult as bittersweet memories come to mind. I had an upsetting day yesterday that fueled my fire somewhat, that and my sole desire to live my life as Jesus would have me.  People so carelessly speak the words of love and respect or quote the scriptures so freely without regard for the meaning in each word, the breath of life and hope in each syllable. I happen to believe those sacred words and trust in the Author and Finisher of my faith.  To serve Him as His emissary in this world is often a path of tears and misery, but it is worth the momentary hurts to realize our days on this earth are fleeting.  We live with the hope of eternity lifting us up when our spirits are low, because we not only believe, but we trust, and eventually know, because we have come to know Him as Abba Father.

In this morning's reading in My Daily Walk bible I read these words:

"One way to measure the depth of your religion is to look at the breadth of your concern for others."

These words are so true, yet there are those who would not agree.

Today my heart remains heavy, because I care so much for the welfare of others. I have heard these words spoken to me so many times along this "road less traveled" that "If you don't take care of yourself, you will be unable to help others." Again these words are very true, but they can also become an excuse to avoid seeing and meeting the needs of others, or daring to reach out in friendship to another ragamuffin along the way.  I am a misfit, a ragamuffin, and I am proud to be called dysfunctional in this regard, because in living my life I can give comfort to those who are hurting, degraded, who have lost their way, and I can offer love and acceptance.  Our actions are more important than our words, because seeing the life lived out inspires more than a promise that eventually fades into forgetfulness, unfulfilled.

I become very passionate when I speak about my life, because regardless of the countless mistakes and wrong decisions I have made along the way, my life has been guided since I was a child, and I was never abandoned in the spiritual sense.  I have always been keenly aware of His presence even when I did not tangibly feel it.  So if I can do one thing for the rest of my life it would be to treat others kindly, offering love and friendship to others each day.  I can remain confident and strengthened by the support and love of my fellow man, especially on days more difficult than others. I can continue to put one foot in front of the other and walk in determination, offering support, guidance, and hope in being counted with the One Percent who gives 100% of myself.  It is my privilege, and honor, so I offer it you, dear readers, as something to consider.

 

The Wonder of It All

Why is it that people are afraid of things they do not understand, and they feel the need to pick it apart and examine it until they find out what makes it tick.   Or people, for that matter.  People you think you know all your life suddenly experience a change.  The familiar grows into uncertainty, and we have this need as human beings to want to find out what happened, rather than accept a thing at face value.  Not for the wonder of it all, but because we become afraid.  And usually it's because we are the ones who change, not the focus of our attention.

I just watched an old John Travolta movie, Phenomenon, where the character, George experiences a shaft of light from heaven, and he immediately begins an evolution of growth in his mental capacity.  It's an interesting message about a really nice guy, liked by an entire town, who increasingly grow afraid of a guy they've known and loved all their lives.  I couldn't think of an actor more aptly suited to the role. It's a must see movie, but bring tissues, as it's a tear jerker.

I haven't written for awhile.  Well, that isn't really the truth, because I write all the time, I just don't publish it. I have about 53 unpublished blogs, this being one of them. I generally have to be moved to publish some things, whereas other just...happen.  This one is more contemplative.

I've had a rough few days, but I've never been more thankful in my life. Kind of a mixed blessing, I guess, but then that's how my life goes.  Each morning that I open my eyes from a good night's sleep is a blessing I don't deserve. Some people cannot sleep, and I can empathize, as I wasn't able to sleep for many, many years, except for a snatch here and there, then I was granted a reprieve.  We take a lot for granted in this transient life we live.  A friend recently shared another thing with me that he won't take for granted again, and I could empathize with him as well. My long life has witnessed many transitions as far as health and healing is concerned, so being "different" really is something I've grown comfortable with being.  I thank God for my uniqueness.

We each have our abilities, gifts unique to each of of us.  It's what makes the world diverse and interesting. Sameness wouldn't be as much fun, don't you think?!  The world would become pretty boring if we all looked alike, thought alike, and all did the same thing.  Diversity.  That's the way of things.

Unfortunately, however, there is a down side to this way of thinking, and those who question the authenticity of experience are the ones who cannot accept genuine kindness or goodness and who exploit, dissect, and destroy the human spirit.  If you can't explain something, then it must be something wrong, so kill it!  Then you wind up missing out on the best things possible and enjoying the comradery of it all.

Oddities exist; this I know to be true.  And I couldn't think of a better day on this "might have been" 41st year to think about it.

Dear Linda

Dear Linda,

You're eight years old, and I know that there are many things you're hearing in your head...good things, that boggle your imagination. I know you'll want to share these thoughts with others, but be careful, because most people will not understand.  You'll be laughed at, made fun of, told you're stupid, but do not let these things get to you.  Keep your eye on the One who's showing you the "pictures" in your mind, and trust that when you need to understand, you will. Wait for the right time, you'll know when that time comes. And most of all, never stop dreaming, and do not allow anyone to tell you you're not smart enough!

I love you,
Me

This About Says It All!

"We are saved by trusting. And trusting

means looking forward to getting something

we don't yet have - for a man who already has

something doesn't need to hope and trust that

he will get it. But if we must keep trusting God

 for something that hasn't happened yet, it

teaches us to wait patiently and confidently."

Romans 8:24-25

The Living Bible 

"For I am convinced that nothing can ever

separate us from his love. Death can't, and

life can't. The angels won't, and the powers of

hell itself cannot keep God's love away.

Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow,

or where we are - high above the sky, or in

the deepest ocean - nothing will ever be able to 

separate us from the love of God demonstrated by

our Lord Jesus Christ when he died for us."

Romans 8:38-39

The Living Bible

Wild Olives

"As you know, God has appointed me as a special messenger to you Gentiles. I lay great stress on this and remind the Jews about it as often as I can, so that if possible I can make them want what you Gentiles have and in that way save some of them. And how wonderful it will be when they become Christians! When God turned away from them it meant that he turned to the rest of the world to offer his salvation; and now it is even more wonderful when the the Jews come to Christ. It will be like dead people coming back to life.  And since Abraham and the prophets are God's people, their children will be too. For if the roots of the tree are holy, the branches will be too."  Paul speaking to the Romans. (Romans 11:13-16)

 This morning in my quiet time as I continued my study of Romans, God once more encouraged me about prayers for the unsaved, for those who have slipped away from the teachings of their youth, especially for those of us who are praying for family members, and more importantly for our children who may be struggling in their faith and search for truth.  I have shared with you so many times about how I was called by God in my childhood, and although I have continuously failed Him, I have never turned from my faith in Him and in His power to save, heal, and deliver.  He has always been my constant companion, even when I was rebelliously seeking other things.  He is so faithful to us, and I know His love is true.

When we are young, as parents, we try so hard to make the right choices in teaching and training our children for life.  We are not handed an instruction booklet as parents, although we do have the best Book of all. Yet we listen to Dr. Spock and old wives' tales rather than adhere to the path that is straight and true.  God says in the Word that if we "train a child in the way he should go, when he is old it will not depart from him." (Proverbs 22:2) Whereas that is one to cleave to, and believe me, I do...the verses above about "the roots of the tree being holy, so the branches will be too" gave me greater strength in my prayers.  Now wait, you may say, that was a promise for the Jews, the seed of Abraham.  True enough, but then we read on:

 "But some of these branches from Abraham's tree, some of the Jews, have been broken off. And you Gentiles who were branches from, we might say, a wild olive tree, were grafted in. So now you, too, receive the blessing God has promised Abraham and his children, sharing in God's rich nourishment of his own special olive tree." (Romans 8:17)

 

 What a wonderful thing God has done for us!  My heart rejoiced!  I have been engrafted into the Vine through faith in Christ Jesus my Lord!  This gives us great joy and relief knowing that our children, loved ones, and friends have seen the light of Christ in our lives, so they will turn from their waywardness, as we did, and accept His great gift. I broke down in tears, praising God, once more for the word He'd given me two years ago concerning my family.

But then Paul kind of puts a damper on things when he tells the captive Roman audience, "But you must be careful not to brag about being put in to replace the branches that were broken off. Remember that you are important only because you are now a part of God's tree; you are just a branch, not a root." (Romans 11:18)

Now let this be a sign to you...satan tries to distract us and steal our joy, right?!  Well, don't let him!  He's a liar after all.  That's a truth you can take to the bank!  As I thought about the words Paul spoke to the proud Romans, my heart beginning to wonder, I thought, "No! God is not a man that He would lie to me!  He told me, and I believe!"  Immediately God spoke to my heart, reminding me that I have been engrafted into the vine of Christ Jesus whose roots grow deep and are watered by Father God, One True Root!  So I am rooted and grounded in Christ Jesus by faith and by accepting Him as my Savior and Lord!  By grace we have been saved, and so much more...the gifts He gives to us free and clear in the forgiveness of our sins!  I cannot tell you how much this brought greater joy to me as I continue to stand for the people I love and for the nations He has given me as my inheritance.  And He gives them to all who ask according to Psalms 2:8, "Ask of me, and I will make the nations your inheritance, the ends of the earth your possession."  This call of God extends into the world, beginning with our own back yards, and the people we influence daily.  I am always inviting people to ask God to break your heart for what breaks His.  It will change your lives!  So as I praised Him, thanking Him for once more reminding me of His love for me and the validity of His word, I once more humbly asked Him once more to break my heart for what breaks His. I invite you to do the same, as His engrafted vine, the off shoot of His mercy.

 

 

Truth and Beauty

 

  "Beauty is truth, truth beauty,—that is all

                Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know."

 John Keats 

1795–1821

   

    This is not another musing about the verses of a dead poet, or a consideration of the literary rhyme and meter of iambic pentameter.  It's interesting the things we remember from our childhood. Literature has always been a great escape for me as much as music can carry me away to a world of my own imaginings.  A wise man once suggested that I am a figment of my own imagination, and perhaps he was correct.  But of one thing I do stand firm, and that is I do know what is true and what is not. And I hope I know the difference between the truth and a lie.  Decipher that!

    
    My purpose for this rendering is to examine the truth, because above all I want to be found humble, honest, seeking my Master's will.  In order to address truth I need to examine my heart, my motives, my purpose, who I truly am or aspire to be.  In so doing I can make resolutions for change or steadfastness. 

     
    I stayed up late last night working, then reading, and the last thing I remember when I laid my head on my pillow and pulled up the quilts and comforter around my neck was the opening scores of "Close Encounters of the Third Kind".  Nothing like a good Spielberg movie to carry me away to slumber!  My awakening this morning was not as pleasant, sad to say, as I was rudely driven from my peaceful sleep by the annoying ringing of my land line, then my cell phone. Needless to say, I did not pick up, either line, and I have not called back.  Wide awake at this unacceptable hour of the morning on the only day I can sleep in, I decided to open up my computer.  Generally that is not my first thought when I awaken daily, and I can assure you, I will not make it a daily habit from this day forward.

    I am very selfish when it comes to my Saturdays.  These are days I like to devote to Bible study, prayer and blogging, on a perfect day, that is, of which I don't have many.  But the mornings at least are devoted to these quiet endeavors and a hot bath with more reading. I need these times to relax and figure things out.  I try to keep focused, at least to have a handle on something in my life. There's so much in life over which we have no control, but at the very least I must be clear on my own.  I'm not one who likes to waste time, and I have little tolerance for those who do.  I guess I am an old Fuddie Duddie when it comes to life these days and the importance of making it count!

    Last night a friend and I went to the little cafe at the gas station near home just to have a simple fare and quiet conversation.  When we went out, as I was getting into the passenger side of my friend's truck I noticed a baby alone in the back seat looking back at me.  The car seat was situated behind the driver's seat, and the child looked to be a year old or younger.  It was chilly last night, and there was no one else in the car.  I mentioned it to my friend, so we sat there a moment and out came a young man...a young man who had been sitting in that same cafe for a lengthy amount of time flirting with a female employee.  He got into the car with the baby without a word or a look at the child and drove off.

    This is the world in which we live.  Where little matters except the gratification of our own egos.  My work carries me into different scenes, encountering different walks in life, often places I cringe to imagine how the people have survived such dysfunction. This week I had to mediate different scenarios, none of which came to a happy ending.  And I wonder after a week such as this why at my age I want to continue this relentless pursuit of caring so much about another person's life who gives little regard for his own life much less the life of another.  What am I doing here?!

    I dream of retirement, but not like most people.  If I asked what you what you like about retirement, what would you say?  I can get up when I want, do what I want, go where I want, when I want.  I can travel, and I can buy what I want.  Not bad things, staying busy, doing things together as husband and wife.  All nice endeavors.  Most people who retire have their homes paid for, so they don't have to worry about a place to live.  I decided I wouldn't go that route, because after having to start over so many times, I finally got out of debt, and I didn't want to be in debt at my age.  I wanted to be free to go wherever I felt led to lead the next adventure.  But now there are times when I think how nice it would be to have a place of my own, closer to my sons at least, but I still cannot wrap myself around incurring debt at age 64.  Most people die in indebtedness, but my daddy didn't teach me that way of living. But let's say I retire..what is my view on how I want to live the life?!  My thoughts, interestingly enough, are similar to the way I live my life now.  I'd say to myself "who can I visit," or "who can I invite over?" "Who needs my help?"  If I could travel anywhere I'd be in Africa deep in the heart of the jungle living my life along side the people, fighting the ebola virus or AIDs epidemics, bandaging the feet of the crippled and maimed, and teaching them how to eat healthy and grow good crops.  Or for fun I'd travel by foot the Pyrenees Mountains of Spain traversing The Way of St James with other pilgrims in the faith.  Or I'd backpack or ride my bike across Europe visiting with the simple people carving out a living from the dirt.  Plus I'd write about everything I see and feel and think! That's my idea of retirement!

    
    Sometimes I wonder if God put me in the wrong century or country, but then there's so much I love about the simple cultures of the people I have come to know and love not just here in New Mexico but in my many travels throughout these years.  I love people, even the most reckless and confused ones, who seem to choose the wrong path at every turn, always seeking, never finding. So lost. There must be a story in this life I've lived and am living.  A ending I do not yet understand.  So regardless of my desires, misgivings I continue to do what I can do by each day, getting up, getting bathed and dressed, and putting one foot in front of the other.  In my relentless search for a life of truth, I find life worth living.  And while it may not seem to be the life I seek, for now it is enough, because I believe in truth seeking.  If God's way is all I seek, and I devote my life to His truth, I accept Him who is the Truth, the Way, the Life, who gives me the Comforter who is the Bearer of all Truth, then I cannot go wrong.  If I have eyes to see and ears to hear, then I listen for the One True Shepherd to guide me along the path. And in so doing I may stumble and fall and skin my  knees, but I have a Friend who'll pick me up, heal my wounds, and walk along the way with me.  What a comfort! 

    I recently shared with a friend that I have lived in New Mexico for 27 years, 14 or 15 of them on my own. I've watched as my life has turned around, from being on the bottom, to rising up a little bit at a time.  The life I thought was dead to me was strangely resurrected, in a different light.  Although I have not lived the original dream, I am living it in a modified way, and although I did not advance in my college goals, I am far wiser and more intelligent in things that truly matter than those who hold higher degrees than my own. In my failures I have come to discover my value as a human being and my responsibility for what I have learned and been given. I have found amazing kinship with loving, giving people who have returned more love and friendship to me than I ever gave to them.  I get thanked every day for caring and helping, when I don't see that I made any difference.  So, I go on "doing", until I cannot "do" any more or God tells me it is enough, then I'll go to the next adventure He has for me.  I just don't want to fail Him.  Ya know!  He's so good this Father of mine.

    
    That's my truth.  And there's beauty in it!

    

    

What can we do?

As I awakened this morning it was so cold I snuggled back down under the quilts and comforter for just a few minutes longer. I had barely settled back in and said "Good Morning, Father" before the questions spilled out of my mouth about things puzzling, troubling my heart in response to prayer requests. After each prayer I would ask Him, "What is the answer?" For about two hours I could not bring myself to cease from my prayers for others bursting out of my spirit. Finally, I ended this time of prayer by asking, "What can I do, Lord?"

Over these almost 28 years of living in New Mexico, almost 15 of which I have been alone, I have visited so many people in their homes, serving their needs, and I have heard many stories, tales of woe ending with the same question, "...but what can we do?"  It is not a question as much as it is a resolution or perhaps a sense of settling for what they do not understand but accept as God's will for a situation.  

After praying for families, situations in our world, I finally said to God, "I need to get up and do something, Father" meaning stop laying around warming my lazy human flesh and still the grumbling voice of my empty stomach, but God wasn't finished with me yet. After listening to my petitions and questions He began to answer in that still small voice I know so well.  The words I heard reaffirmed my purpose here, and confirmed the responses I've given so many times to these precious people who are hungering and thirsting for not so much an answer as more of "the Answer" Jesus.  Although they may feel they already know Him as Savior, do they really believe in Him as Lord? Do we really accept that God loved us so much that He sacrificed His Son for us so we could live? Granted it's a difficult concept to wrap your mind around unless you believe as a little child.

How many times has He proven Himself to us? Rather than thank Him as we recall the wonderful answers to prayer we have already received or countless tangible blessings we have enjoyed over the years, we focus too much on the present needs.  And in doing so we miss the point of faith and hope. Our prayers seem empty, because we cannot bring ourselves to lay our burdens down and truly trust God. Trust Him to perfect that which concerns us.  The answer to "what can we do?" is having done all stand! Hold fast to the promises! Praise!  So my answer to these kindhearted, earnestly seeking children of God is "You are praying, aren't you? Then you are doing the best thing you can do."

We, myself included, expect God to give us a sign, but we're not seeing. Just as in Jesus' day after spending so much time teaching, feeding, healing, and loving the crowds of people who flocked around Him, they had the audacity to ask Him for a sign so they would continue to follow Him.  "Give us a sign as you did our forefathers when you fed them manna in the wilderness."  Apparently, they had not noticed the miracles He had performed as He ministered daily in their midst.  It seems a little incredulous to us, but we do the same thing today. How many times I have heard the response, "Well, all I can do is pray."  That is the most important thing you can do, and with faith the size of a grain of mustard seed, you can move mountains IF you believe.  IF you truly trust Him for the miracle you need, not our thoughts, but His. Hence, the reason He asks me, "Linda, do you really trust me?"  Some days I feel like Peter did when Jesus asked him three times if he loved Him.  But He makes His point. After your children come back to you for the umpteenth time asking for the same thing, do you ever find yourself saying, "We've talked about this already, son, and my answer is the same?"  Well then, there you go!

I believe there is coming a day when we will see such great miracles that cannot be discredited by man, and all glory will go to God!  Those days are here, and it is happening now.  So please don't give up, do not be discouraged or overcome, but keep your eyes fixed on Him.  And pray and believe it, because He said it would be so! 

What can we do? What is the answer? Prayer! So tell everyone you know to stand fast and hold on.  The best is yet to be!

Respond in Kind

"But life is worth nothing unless I use it for doing

the work assigned me by the Lord Jesus -

the work of telling others the Good News about

God's mighty kindness and love!"

Acts 20:24

This week one of my friends confided in me about a problem she was having at her job that provoked feelings of anger, injustice, discrimination, and mostly deep hurt.  I was having a pretty difficult day myself, so I mostly listened and agreed with her feelings, fully understanding as I have been on the receiving end of such attacks, and it isn't pleasant.  Later on as I was driving to an appointment Holy Spirit reminded me of a verse in Ephesians, "Having done all stand."  He reminded me that God is the vindicator and "no weapon formed against us shall prosper and any tongue rising against us in judgment God would show to be in the wrong". I heard "Be still and know that I am God" and "When a man's ways are pleasing to the Lord, even his enemies will be at peace with him."  Had my heart been open and my ears attuned to hear His voice at the time of my friend's call I could easily have shared these encouraging words with her.  But I will, as I think it is very important to encourage each other in our faith, especially in times of testing, and our work is a war zone these days.

This morning as I was reading along in Our Daily Walk the author wrote, "Ministry that costs nothing accomplishes nothing."  I know this in theory and definitely in practice, but it isn't always a warm and fuzzy feeling to be under the scrutiny of another.  The author goes on to say, "Are you expendable in your ministry for God? Are you ever moved to tears by the sight of others in need? Are you available at all times...to all people...regardless of the personal cost or inconvenience?"  I immediately remembered the times I received calls from a friend around 3 am each morning, because she could not sleep and was terribly burdened, going through a time of brokenness and pain, seeking answers.  Normally I was awake, because I was suffering chronic pain and terribly debilitating migraine and spinal headaches for days on end.  My daughter used to get so angry at me for taking the calls when I was so ill, but my friend needed me.  Those days when I was so crippled from pain and suffering were some of the best days of my life as an intercessor.  My eyes and heart were open to see and hear what the Lord was speaking to my heart, so of course I was always eager to share a word of encouragement, regardless of the hour, and regardless of whether I had happened to fall asleep or not.

I received a similar call this week, very late at night, from a patient-friend, a young girl who needed to talk.  After a grinding day of confusion, uncertainty and bittersweet success, I chose to take that call, because I knew she needed to talk, and I was here to listen and support.  It's not my job or obligation, rather it is my pleasure to serve others in this way, because I can feel their pain so easily.  When we ask God to break our heart for what breaks His, we see and understand so easily, so we can minister as He speaks the words through us to them at their hour of need and desperation.  This is my call.  This is my life.

Regardless of what comes my way, regardless of the mixed feelings I have about staying put or moving on, one thing I know is that God has been using me in this place.  I cried with a friend last night as we are both far from home and family, she much closer than I as her family is in Texas, but we both are living on our own from broken marriages and both in jobs that test our faith.  We are each seeking answers about our next steps, fighting conflicting feelings of staying or leaving. Waiting.  Holidays with her family are possible, whereas I am not as fortunate, but I am blessed in having extended family who welcome me each year into their homes.  Still since the loss of my parents and other circumstances in my life, I have to fight depression during this time, like many people in the world do.  It's a spiritual battle for me more than a personal one, in fact, most people do not realize it as such because they do not understand the enemy of their souls. And it is for this reason many succumb to suicide, because they feel so inescapably alone.  But I know differently, because in my darkest hours, in my deepest despair, I feel His presence, and I hear His still small voice, ever so softly whispering to me.  So I don't give up, and I won't give in.  And I will be here to support those who may not know what I know, but I will share His love.  After all if anyone knows how we feel, it is Jesus.  He knows the torture of feeling betrayed, abandoned, scorned, and so far from Home.  He felt alone, and He died of a broken heart. He knows exactly how we feel and much more.

My son told me once I was pretty much a "what you see is what you get person" which I took not as criticism, but as praise, because Paul, the Apostle, lived a life of transparency.  He wasn't shy in telling people his failures, sins, regrets, because he had found eternal life.  He spoke publicly, privately, in large groups or small, with needy people, reaching out always to share the good news. Jews, Gentiles, day or night he lived a life of tears and triumphs, selflessness rather than selfishness.  My son also called me "selfless", and although I feel so honored that he considers me such, I fail so much in comparison to Jesus.  My one desire is to respond to others who need a word to guide their way as He would. There are days I feel so far from His likeness, so deep in the storms of the day, yet these are tests to perfect our character, and God uses the snares of the enemy and his chosen vessels to put us to the test.  Remember it is an open book test, the Bible, so we can never fail the test.  Hopefully, in your day to day struggles you do not have to re-take the test as often as I have had to in several instances.  But I am getting wiser, with a little clearer vision, and regardless I can share the Good News with others faced with their own battles.

I can smile, because I know that God loves me, He chose me from the beginning of the world to be conformed to the image of Christ, just like He chose each of you.  It's an open book test, this life of ours, and we cannot fail as long as we keep our eyes fixed on Him, the Author and Finisher of our faith. I don't know about you, but that makes me feel much better and more alert  So the next time the enemy uses someone to bring disparity or judgment your way, respond with a smile recalling in your mind, "This is a test!  I can pass this one!" Think of the looks you'll get in response to your reaction! 

My prayer is for peace especially in the midst of storms.  With me I pray you'll say, "Arise my soul and sing! This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it."

No Rest for the Crazy

 

Surfing the internet I came across this definition of "insanity" which pretty much goes along with my post from Sunday, "My Walden Pond".  Actually, I think Albert Einstein hit the nail on the head with his definition!  But then mine rocked too..."a meaningless pursuit accomplishing nothing" or better yet..."an exercise in futility".  

Did you know that there is a link between mental illness and creativity?  Between "madness" and "genius"?  Albert Einstein has been labeled as having "schizophrenia," but I doubt anyone had the nerve to accuse him to his face!  But what's in a name...or diagnosis?  I think everyone has a little crazy in them, especially when you have to function amidst chaos for five days a week with only two days to recover before you're back at it again.  For some it never ends, and I've been on that endless merry-go-round myself, but it's not so merry.  So I am rethinking my life, which was the reason I went away to hide in the first place.  Unfortunately, I didn't hide long enough as the crazy got crazier with no relief in sight! Time to make a change, I think!

Reading on in my study of insanity it was mentioned that Ludwig van Beethoven and Robert Schumann, brilliant composers of their day, were classified as having bipolar disorder.  Interesting, as I have often noticed the connection between mood swings and classical music.  For instance modern composer Philip Glass has written some pretty intense pieces with repetitive scores that could excite or depress. Those who have heard his compositions may be able to understand what I am trying to say without saying it. Have you ever been locked away in a room with repetitive scores played on a piano that grew in intensity? It kind of has the same effect as dripping water, also known as Chinese water torture. Perhaps that explains why I am as I am. 

Regardless of how one is "labeled" in life or afterwards when you've gone on to your great reward, it matters little, as genius supersedes in my humble opinion. I've been called a few names in my life with a few "labels" slapped on as well.  I'm learning to overlook the words, trying not to feel the hurt, but it is challenging.  That's why I prefer the company of "misfits" and "ragamuffins"...we don't care!  And we don't give up! We merely admit to our imperfections and reach out for help.

So why am I sharing all this with you tonight?  Beats me!  Maybe it is just a diversion from my normal lapse into my mediocre lifestyle after a day of living in the abyss. I've got to do something about my life!  And in honesty, all joking aside, I am rethinking my strategy which in layman's terms means I am checking out my options. I am constantly being reminded about my age by my friend who doesn't seem to understand that age is irrelevant to me. But then maybe he's right, and maybe it is time to grow up and face the truth. Time to be put out to pasture... or not!  I think my way is better.  I have plenty of time to rest when I'm dead! 

Time to close out the day and get ready to rest up for tomorrow. Heaven knows I will need all the strength I can muster.  But I'm doing my best, trying to stay focused on being "content" no matter what comes.  Trusting God for good results.  Then I can rest!

Homeward Bound

Traveling home yesterday I was captivated by the beauty of the trees even as the autumn colors are slowly being overpowered by the grays of encroaching winter days.  So close to home yet always overcome by the majesty of the trees against ever-changing skies hovering over high mountain ranges that surround my home.  The serenity is something one cannot describe...it must be felt.  Oh for a day to do nothing except gaze at the sky and trees, bathed in the beauty!

The closer I travel to my home I stop again just to listen to the water as it meanders downstream, laughing over rocks, cascading into a shower refreshing the onlooker in a mist of purest water, reviving the soul and freeing the spirit.  One can almost see each ebb and flow of the current from the photos which are only a mere glimpse of its beauty.

Embudo is a small village a stone's throw from Velarde where I call home.  I travel many roads throughout my day, between many small villages.  I love it all!  There is beauty everywhere if we only choose to see!  How could I ever think of leaving this wonderful place?  A place that calls me home from a tiring day, that beckons to me when I travel far from home. The scene is almost bewitching, as one can be entranced by the simplicity of a pristine mountain stream amidst lofty mountain grandeur, drinking in the beauty, carried away on wings of peace.  It is what we seek most in our lives, and yet it lies so close to our hearts in the austerity of nature.

Can you feel the mist on your face?  Breathe in the freshness of the morning air?  Take a road trip with me and enjoy the scenery!

My Walden Pond

I came to the woods to find rest for my soul.  I sought a refuge with open sky, mountain splendor, tall, mighty oaks and pines towering, touching heaven.  There’s a stream trickling into a riverbed teaming with life, alive, expanding into treacherous, winding white water.  Ducks in the lake eagerly await handouts of breadcrumbs and whatnot.  This is my thinking spot, my hideaway from outside distractions of phones, internet and entertainment.

I wanted to be lost in nature, keenly aware of my senses, and my mind open to experience a new adventure, an encounter with the living God for much needed answers.  I needed to escape the insanity, find peace and renewed strength, and to rediscover my life anew, refreshed, and reinvigorated with possibilities, probabilities, and realities. I needed to dream again, and in so doing, live again.

My life has become so complicated in recent years since I have been on my own, devoting my time to others, not really caring whether I live or die at times.  There have been times more often than not when I feel I have no life, no true purpose aside from the one in service to others, the life I give to ease their burdens and to bring a smile to a face.  But it does have rewards in making new friends and receiving warm hugs and shared smiles and laughter. Nonsensical at times and much needed at that.

   

I realize that I touch lives daily for the One who is my life, my breath, my sole purpose to exist.  Through His life breathed into me I do have a purpose and a response to my existence on this earth.  Yet I am not designed to be a mere puppet in the hands of my Creator.  After all, He does not pull our strings like a human puppet dangling from a stick, manipulating us around as a dancing clown, performing circus tricks to amaze an audience of skeptics and heretics.  He breathes life into me, so I can in turn give back life to others, to those brokenhearted, bedraggled misfits and ragamuffins, much like myself who need to know we are loved, accepted, and are meant to be…someone!

I am discovering that maybe that is all I am created to be in this life.  God has indeed entrusted me with a gift, and with privilege comes responsibility.  Mine is a lonely quest at times, but I cannot hear in the noise, it deafens me.  I need to quiet my soul, clear my vision, open my ears, renew my senses and comprehend the depth of the wonder He is showing me.  There will be those who do not understand, but then there have always been those who criticize and condemn.  There always will be.

Today I asked God what love really felt like, how it should be, because I often wonder if I have experienced it at all.  My heart is not hard or cold by any means, rather I love so innocently and wholly that I am broken when the response is not reciprocated.  I have been given a world of people, too many to count to become my family, and family unity is supposed to be so close, entangled even, as to be so in tune with another’s thoughts and feelings.  I feel that way about my extended family in New Mexico at times, and then I come to realize by a thoughtless comment at a  “family gathering” that the only person or family to whom I belong is God my Father, Jesus the Son, my Lord, and Holy Spirit my Comforter.  How can I be lonely or question anything when I am in the Presence of the Trinity? 

I sought a place to pray quietly, confidently, in line with His Words, His Way, His Truth, and His Life.  To kneel at His feet and dare approach the throne of Grace, not in my righteousness, as it is as filthy rags, but in His Righteousness alone. Nature seems the purest place to kneel in submission and longing.  I can release the pent up feelings bringing me down freely laying them down at His feet. He picks me up and embraces me, and I feel whole again. It is His way to love me unconditionally as I come as I am.  He accepts us all as we are.  He understands our plight, the harshness of life, the uncertainties, misgivings, dismay. He calls us to Himself, and we can find rest for our souls, joy wells up, and we can live again.  For some perhaps for the first time.

 

My time here ends this morning, and I feel sad that I have had so little time alone with Him.  I don’t want to return to a place of overwhelming realities, of overly imposed expectations, and to the endless pursuit of absurdities.  Someone said the definition of “insanity” is ‘to continue to repeat the same things over and over again”.  “A meaningless pursuit of accomplishing nothing” would be my choice for a definition.  And so it goes each day until someone hopefully wakes up and listens to reason.  I pray for that day.  Until then what will be my course in life in this skullduggery I have chosen to engage myself?  Trust Him, the only One who brings peace in the midst of unrest, the One who can make the impossible possible.  I prefer that alternative.  It seems the only way to make it through an otherwise senseless journey.  But who can tell, perhaps someone is listening, and perhaps there will be change.  One can only hope as many lives depend upon it.

Lord, as I end these heartfelt musings, my prayer of faith will be to ask You to stay with me on this journey, enriching my life with those I encounter along the way. Let me give to them the meaning You bring to my life as I put my hope and my trust in You. Taking You at Your word I can stand against a world so at odds with itself and with You, the Author and Finisher of our faith.  Although I do not understand their doubts and hesitations in accepting Your grace, Your mercy, and Your unconditional love, I will continue to reach out to them in the hope that through my love they will find Yours.  Your love is the only love I have to offer anyone. Thank you for giving me this wonderful gift to share with others who are as sorely in need of it as I am.  May I bring You glory as I love the ragamuffins, misfits and rabble of this world to which I am one.  These are the people You love, and You have offered this opportunity for me to dwell with them, as we are the same, as You and I are of the same mind.  Shelter us, guide us, O Lord I pray. Amen.