My Walden Pond

I came to the woods to find rest for my soul.  I sought a refuge with open sky, mountain splendor, tall, mighty oaks and pines towering, touching heaven.  There’s a stream trickling into a riverbed teaming with life, alive, expanding into treacherous, winding white water.  Ducks in the lake eagerly await handouts of breadcrumbs and whatnot.  This is my thinking spot, my hideaway from outside distractions of phones, internet and entertainment.

I wanted to be lost in nature, keenly aware of my senses, and my mind open to experience a new adventure, an encounter with the living God for much needed answers.  I needed to escape the insanity, find peace and renewed strength, and to rediscover my life anew, refreshed, and reinvigorated with possibilities, probabilities, and realities. I needed to dream again, and in so doing, live again.

My life has become so complicated in recent years since I have been on my own, devoting my time to others, not really caring whether I live or die at times.  There have been times more often than not when I feel I have no life, no true purpose aside from the one in service to others, the life I give to ease their burdens and to bring a smile to a face.  But it does have rewards in making new friends and receiving warm hugs and shared smiles and laughter. Nonsensical at times and much needed at that.

   

I realize that I touch lives daily for the One who is my life, my breath, my sole purpose to exist.  Through His life breathed into me I do have a purpose and a response to my existence on this earth.  Yet I am not designed to be a mere puppet in the hands of my Creator.  After all, He does not pull our strings like a human puppet dangling from a stick, manipulating us around as a dancing clown, performing circus tricks to amaze an audience of skeptics and heretics.  He breathes life into me, so I can in turn give back life to others, to those brokenhearted, bedraggled misfits and ragamuffins, much like myself who need to know we are loved, accepted, and are meant to be…someone!

I am discovering that maybe that is all I am created to be in this life.  God has indeed entrusted me with a gift, and with privilege comes responsibility.  Mine is a lonely quest at times, but I cannot hear in the noise, it deafens me.  I need to quiet my soul, clear my vision, open my ears, renew my senses and comprehend the depth of the wonder He is showing me.  There will be those who do not understand, but then there have always been those who criticize and condemn.  There always will be.

Today I asked God what love really felt like, how it should be, because I often wonder if I have experienced it at all.  My heart is not hard or cold by any means, rather I love so innocently and wholly that I am broken when the response is not reciprocated.  I have been given a world of people, too many to count to become my family, and family unity is supposed to be so close, entangled even, as to be so in tune with another’s thoughts and feelings.  I feel that way about my extended family in New Mexico at times, and then I come to realize by a thoughtless comment at a  “family gathering” that the only person or family to whom I belong is God my Father, Jesus the Son, my Lord, and Holy Spirit my Comforter.  How can I be lonely or question anything when I am in the Presence of the Trinity? 

I sought a place to pray quietly, confidently, in line with His Words, His Way, His Truth, and His Life.  To kneel at His feet and dare approach the throne of Grace, not in my righteousness, as it is as filthy rags, but in His Righteousness alone. Nature seems the purest place to kneel in submission and longing.  I can release the pent up feelings bringing me down freely laying them down at His feet. He picks me up and embraces me, and I feel whole again. It is His way to love me unconditionally as I come as I am.  He accepts us all as we are.  He understands our plight, the harshness of life, the uncertainties, misgivings, dismay. He calls us to Himself, and we can find rest for our souls, joy wells up, and we can live again.  For some perhaps for the first time.

 

My time here ends this morning, and I feel sad that I have had so little time alone with Him.  I don’t want to return to a place of overwhelming realities, of overly imposed expectations, and to the endless pursuit of absurdities.  Someone said the definition of “insanity” is ‘to continue to repeat the same things over and over again”.  “A meaningless pursuit of accomplishing nothing” would be my choice for a definition.  And so it goes each day until someone hopefully wakes up and listens to reason.  I pray for that day.  Until then what will be my course in life in this skullduggery I have chosen to engage myself?  Trust Him, the only One who brings peace in the midst of unrest, the One who can make the impossible possible.  I prefer that alternative.  It seems the only way to make it through an otherwise senseless journey.  But who can tell, perhaps someone is listening, and perhaps there will be change.  One can only hope as many lives depend upon it.

Lord, as I end these heartfelt musings, my prayer of faith will be to ask You to stay with me on this journey, enriching my life with those I encounter along the way. Let me give to them the meaning You bring to my life as I put my hope and my trust in You. Taking You at Your word I can stand against a world so at odds with itself and with You, the Author and Finisher of our faith.  Although I do not understand their doubts and hesitations in accepting Your grace, Your mercy, and Your unconditional love, I will continue to reach out to them in the hope that through my love they will find Yours.  Your love is the only love I have to offer anyone. Thank you for giving me this wonderful gift to share with others who are as sorely in need of it as I am.  May I bring You glory as I love the ragamuffins, misfits and rabble of this world to which I am one.  These are the people You love, and You have offered this opportunity for me to dwell with them, as we are the same, as You and I are of the same mind.  Shelter us, guide us, O Lord I pray. Amen.