Knowing God

Two weeks have passed since the victory I received on my birthday hiatus from the noise and confusion of the world around me. Since then it has been a period of intense warfare to fight to remain in my peaceful repose, as the enemy has savagely attacked everything I hold dear. This is not news, as it is the price we pay as servants of the Lord Jesus. He said if the world hated Him, they'd hate us even more. This is so true, but the battle in this world is not one we see with our eyes, rather it is the warring in the spirit realm that transcends to the physical. Well...in spite of the turmoil I have encountered this week, I refuse to lose my joy of the Lord who is my strength.

I picked up the local Santa Fe Reporter last week, but I failed to read it until today. I try not to read the paper or listen to the news too much, as it is disquieting, and I deal with every day situations that are beyond disquieting at times. So much so that it angers to the point of not being able to function, so I have to lay it down at the foot of the cross just as I do for situations involving my family, friends, and those I care for in this world. That's a lot of people, but God is able to keep those I have committed to Him. This has been tested, tried, and true.

The disturbing things happening in the world today are not unexpected really, as they were prophesied long ago. Sadly we are following in the footsteps of so many generations who have failed to cry out to God for answers rather than following what others do. In Hosea 4:6 it states clearly "People perish for lack of knowledge," which translates "My people are being destroyed because they don't know me." Sadly, this is so, even in our churches today. The commentator of the Daily Walk Bible says: "Godly foundations and an abundance of churches are no guarantee of the knowledge of God. Remember, if the knowledge of God is to permeate your country, it first must be the experience of your life."
 The Santa Fe Reporter implied that our Governor is asking for a special session of the Legislature to vote on reinstating the death penalty. This response came after the hideous murder of a ten year old girl. Yet in the wake of this plea for justice our judicial and executive systems have been releasing over a hundred prisoners this week back into the system. I believe in rehabilitation, but I wonder how many will slip through the cracks and away from the watchful, protective eye of the law back into the crimes for which they were imprisoned. How many more children will suffer at the hands of those who played the game for release. The answer to these dilemmas rests in man crying out to God. My heart aches.

The Daily Walk Bible commentator shares this parable:

"A bird lies fluttering on the ground, obviously

injured. You respond by reaching out to try to help. 

Instead of recognizing your intent, the bird jerks 

free in a frantic effort to escape. You are the only one 

who can help, yet the bird refuses your assistance." 

This sad commentary speaks to our stubborn refusal to yield ourselves to a loving God who offers grace and help in troubled times. People want to blame God, but they fail to recognize that the fault is their own in choosing to do things their way. Hosea 7 says "...no one cries to me for help. Worshiping foreign gods has sapped their strength, but they don't even know it." 

In light of all that is happening in the presidential races, rioting as a result of the misconduct of the candidates, and the catastrophic weather changes and disasters worldwide with brutal and savage murders I can see the hand of a merciful God who loves us more than we love ourselves. The pages of social media are burning with outbursts of injustice, anger, revenge 24 hours a day, seeking the opinion of man rather than God. We speak of God and post nice quotations and scriptures, but how many of us are actually bowing down, begging for forgiveness for a nation pursuing a course of ungodliness. I am not a daily disciple of social media, but I still ask God to forgive me any time I choose to talk to anyone before seeking His direction on any matter. You can use the excuse of God giving us people for fellowship, but what I am talking about goes way beyond friendship. I want to know God and know what breaks His heart. I want Him to show me what to do each day, and I want to be faithful. We need to stand in the gap for our nation, our world, and our families before it is too late, and we become the victims of our own choosing.

Perhaps I will be labeled a fanatic, but I really don't care what man says about me. I only care about what God has to say about me. I love Him, and I do not want to let Him down. We all fall so miserably short of the glory of God each day, but we can ask forgiveness and go forward. He loves us. You need to know that God loves you, and He is concerned about every aspect of your life no matter how small and insignificant others may find it. To Him you are precious. Our world needs to know Him, and the only answer for our nation and world is Jesus.

 

Hope in Times of Need

Today has been a very difficult day. As I write this a dear friend, a member of my church family is lying on his death bed. My pastor, another lady from church, and I went and spent time relieving the family by tidying up the kitchen, and sitting by his side. It seemed a small thing to do. Our friend is in his 80's, and his health has been declining rapidly. It was very hard to sit by his bed, holding his hand while he thrashed in pain, gasping for air. From time to time in his anguish he would call out "Father, help me!"

This morning in my quiet time I read this prayer written by Kim Boyce:

"Heavenly Father,

Teach me not to procrastinate but to do 

what I can today, because there is no promise

of tomorrow. Lead me to those people who are 

in need of something that I can give. I want to be

available for You to use in any way that You should choose.

Amen

As I read these words I repeated them as my own prayer of service not knowing how quickly God would answer. On the opposite side of this coin we had a dedication of a little baby this morning. Life and death. We encounter opportunities of service every day, and it is our responsibility, our privilege to serve.

There are so many ways to serve and pay honor to God. All around me, day by day, I see loneliness, fear, and suffering. The needs are many and desperately real. Yesterday I was in Santa Fe getting my car serviced. After doing a little shopping I returned to wait for my car. I enjoyed the fellowship of a man and his wife and another lady who were waiting for their vehicles, and we shared a great time of conversation, laughter and sharing. I shared the type of work I do, and each had commented that they didn't think they could do that kind of work. Then the man mentioned the news of Friday about which I new nothing, as I do not always listen to or read the news. The conversation quickly ended when I asked "what news," and a woman said "You already do so much. You don't need to trouble yourself with this." So I let it go, as they were obviously making an attempt to spare me of something that had happened in Albuquerque. Something they felt strongly I did not need to know. When I got in the car later I checked the news, and my heart was instantly broken, and the depth of the agony was inconsolable as it remains to this time. A little girl had been brutally murdered in inconceivable acts of cruelty by her mother and people she trusted. The degree of this deprivation was beyond any reasoning, as it will remain. 

Our world needs prayer. We need to cry out to God and seek forgiveness for sins of omission. How can things go so unobserved? How could it get to this point without someone noticing? Where is our conscience? How can we keep it from ever happening again?! The questions go on and on as we grope for answers and ways to keep innocent children safe in this perverse world. And not just children but elders, helpless, innocent ones who cannot fight back. We are in need of our Savior.

Just a few moments ago two small children from next door were banging on my door. They wanted to see if I wanted to pick peaches..."as many as you want," they said enthusiastically. Precious in God's sight. Children who trust me as their neighbor, inviting me to their home. "Father, keep them safe in Your arms. Help me to do my part in ensuring their safety and the safety of all I come in contact with day by day. Make me vigilant."

I also pray for peace for my friend who is struggling and for his family as they watch and wait with him. I know how hard it is to let our parents and loved ones go; it is never easy to watch someone we love battle pain. My heart cries out to the Only One who can comfort. May my friend rest in His hands and in His love. Abba Father, thank You for keeping Victoria safe in your arms. Eternally at peace.

Coloring Outside the Lines

 

 "Our values are messed up.... Thrills are going

for top dollars and the value of human beings is

at an all time low.... Life is reduced to weekends,

paychecks, and quick thrills. The bottom line 

is disaster.... Now please understand, this

is man's value system. It is not God's.

His plan is much brighter."

Max Lucado

No Wonder They Call Him The Savior

Wednesday at last! Wednesdays are my "mental stability" days, and today is the first one in a long time when I haven't had an appointment of some kind! Yippee!! Free to be "me" day!

I spent my morning talking to Jesus, writing my Compassion International kids, and doodling in my journal. I googled some information for my son on the meaning of Yahweh that may help appease his curiosity, and now I am blogging. I suppose I should be cleaning my house, but somehow that just doesn't equate to "fun" in my way of thinking. Still...!


In my Daily Walk I am now reading the book of Ezekiel. Today we ventured into the valley of dry bones, and I witnessed the resurrection of dead soldiers. God spoke to Ezekiel and told him to speak to the bones and tell them He was going to breathe life into them again. I understand this concept, as it has been my express desire to see this phenomenon in our world today, to include churches. Life has become either a humdrum existence or a rat race, when it should be an adventure in living. It is so disturbing to see  people who are so intent on looking at the grim side of life, when we need to focus on what we could be doing to change it. There are so many people who needs someone to invest time in them. That's a true reward.

I have this harnessed energy inside of me that is bursting to be let loose at the first glimpse of anyone who can catch the vision. I believe God has opportunities waiting for us to help our fellow man, not for personal gain but for encouragement and support. We all need that! I have spoken of gifts and talents we each have, and they need to be used, so others can become aware that they have purpose too. As Max Lucado put it in the quotation above, our value system is messed up.

I shared with you about the necklace my friend, Sharon gave me for my birthday with the inscriptions "Trust Your Crazy Ideas" and "Always Color Outside the Lines."

Well, my "crazy ideas" are what keep me going. Each day I travel, so I see many things I wish I didn't see, and I am involved in situations that simply should not be allowed. Opportunities. One such opportunity is my dream for a Homeless Shelter here in Espanola, We have a soup kitchen for lunch Monday-Friday, but we need more. We need shelter, clothing, and counselors; tutors, companions, and hands on life skill coaching. If everyone worked together for the common good there is no limit to what can happen in this little blink of an eye town. I believe in people, and I know there are others who share this vision. I am not the only one who "colors outside the lines!"

What about where you live? Look around, open your eyes and "see" and your ears to "hear." I guess many think because I am retirement age that I should "chill" and enjoy my life. Well I am! This is my life! I have always loved a good adventure and a story well told. We all have stories. By sharing a part of our lives with others who are wasting theirs in dead end pursuits, too busy earning a living than living a life, or who are wasting valuable time in the pursuit of nothingness, we all win! By caring enough to invest time with people who are homeless, down on their luck, stuck  in bad relationships, fixated on drugs, or who feel they have nothing to offer,  we are sharing our stories and empowering them to realize they have stories. Just imagine the possibilities for good. Then imagine the "pay it forward" effect. It can happen.

If you have ideas I would love to hear them. If you want to become involved in saving a life, let's brainstorm. I need to see dry bones assemble like the Avengers! So get off your couch, Potatoes, turn off your soaps and novellas, and let's hit the ground flying. Together we can change a world one person at a time and enrich our lives in the doing!

Crazy Ideas

 

God speaks to me in songs, and often He awakens me with a tune running through my mind. I literally greet the Son singing. Not a bad way to start a day, now is it?! Yesterday morning as I was reading my Bible a song taken from Psalm 27 kept playing over and over in my heart:

"The Lord is my light and my salvation, the Lord is the strength of my life!
The Lord is my light and may salvation, the Lord is the strength of my life,
And I will not be afraid. No I will not be afraid!
The Lord is my light, The Lord is my light, the Lord is my light!"

Many times I have shared with my readers the words from contemporary Christians songs that touch my soul. There's a new one called "Thy Will" by Hillary Scott that reminds me of my prayer to always be in the center of His will. People mindlessly recite the words of The Lord's Prayer and totally miss the part about "Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven." I've commented on this on more than once, as it is so important to understand the power found in the Word of God.The lyrics of "Thy Will" are very powerful and so like my life:

 I'm so confused

    I know I heard you loud and clear

    So, I followed through

    Somehow I ended up here

    I don't wanna think

    I may never understand

    That my broken heart is a part of your plan

    When I try to pray

    All I got is hurt and these four words

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    I know you're good

    But this don't feel good right now

    And I know you think

    Of things I could never think about

    It's hard to count it all joy

    Distracted by the noise

    Just trying to make sense

    Of all your promises

    Sometimes I gotta stop

    Remember that you're God

    And I am not

    So

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    Thy will

    I know you see me

    I know you hear me, Lord

    Your plans are for me

    Goodness you have in store

    I know you hear me

    I know you see me, Lord

    Your plans are for me

    Goodness you have in store

    So

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    Like a child on my knees

    All that comes to me is

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    Thy will be done

    I know you see me

    I know you hear me, Lord

Since early childhood Jesus has been my Protector, and He is the only true Best Friend. He had to remind me of that recently, and I had to ask His forgiveness for even letting Him think He wasn't enough for me. He truly is, and I am content with things the way they are.

Are you "free?" Brennan Manning asked Rich Mullins that question when they first met. Rich responded by asking Brennan what he meant. Brennan said, "A free man wouldn't have to ask." Well for the first time in a long time I feel free! I feel as if a burden has been lifted from my heart and mind, and I feel free to receive what Abba has prepared for my future.

As with music Abba has a way of speaking to me through little bits of wisdom He plants along my way. This week while I was driving through Penasco I noticed the school sign read "Wisdom begins with wonder." Immediately a smile lit across my face, because I knew He was reminding me of the wonder I have always had, and this very gift is part of who He created me to be. Not too long ago at a time when I was overwhelmed with my job, and personal problems were clouding my judgment, I met a man at the gas station named Cristeo who told me that his father told him never to lose his curiosity. Again I smiled and said, "Yes, my Father tells me never lose the wonder!" I think we have the same Father.

Yesterday I had lunch with my two friends Sharon and Flo. The three of us enjoy getting together monthly, sometimes more often, just to enjoy each others diversities. We were celebrating my birthday, and Sharon gave me a necklace with a medallion with an inscription of each side. On one side it says, "Trust Your Crazy Ideas" and the other, "Always Color Outside the Lines." She knows me so well! She also gave me three coloring books and a box of colored pencils to push the message home! She encourages me to follow my heart, and she knows this means thinking outside of the box.

Each person is called to a unique gift and calling, and sometimes the call is a solitary one, and many will misunderstand. I am on the road less traveled. Last Sunday I celebrated my "emancipation" by turning 66, a long-awaited day of freedom. Although preceded by hurt, pain, and a deliberate attack of satan to destroy me, it became a time of forging, as the strongest steel is forged in the hottest fires. I returned home celebrating my life and once more eager to serve. I realized the kind of person I am, because with each test recently I have made a conscious choice to respond in kindness, while satan tries so ardently to stir up anger. When my guard goes down that is the time satan's henchman show up to try to destroy me. But I am learning that I cannot be destroyed, because my faith, my hope rests in Jesus, my Savior and Lord. He knows me so well, and because of my relationship with Him, I hear His voice above the noise of pain, hurt, and disappointment.This is my prayer for the helpless ones who cannot speak or fight for themselves. Who feel they are not good enough. I think it is summed up in this quote from Max Lucado's book, No Wonder They Call Him the Savior:"

"You are valuable just because you exist. Not because of

what you do or what you have done, but simply because you are.

Remember that. Remember that the next time you are left

bobbing in the wake of someone's steamboat ambition. 

Remember that the next time some trickster tries to hang

a bargain basement price tag on your self-worth....

Just think about the way Jesus honors you...and smile."

The Road Less Traveled

In seeking to live life sometimes we deviate from the road less traveled to the one that leads to security in the world’s eyes. This road well-traveled is not necessarily one that is evil or wrong. In fact it often leads to a wonderful life with pretty little cottages and white picket fences, children who adore their parents and who go on to become powerful and successful as the world views success. For others the results may not be as tangible. Many people survive on this road and live well-intentioned lives.

Then there’s the other road, the one less traveled that veers off onto this twisted little path leading off to who knows where, and there we go armed only with wonder and faith. The road snakes around a fork leading into an abyss of trials that may or may not lead to defeat. Defeat after all is just a matter of definition to the one who is living the test. The road winds upward, then slowly declines into a valley of gloom and pessimism, but all the while ahead one can see so distinctly, a pinpoint of light piercing the darkness if that one braves enough to lift their eyes and see, thus gaining the strength necessary to press forward even in the darkest trials, the darkest night.

It can be a lonely, sometimes terrifying experience as one stumbles along the path.  There may be signs of death along the way or others crouching in the darkness, too afraid to risk what may be ahead. Too afraid of not knowing what will be expected, what more to be endured.

It’s a choice really, a game of chance to some. But to the ones who truly want the best there is, who dare to risk it all based only on the promises written centuries ago on the pages of a book, it is the best life. Even if one endures unimaginable pain, suffering, loss and defeat along the way, the reward waiting at the end of the road less traveled is worth everything.

I have chosen the road less traveled. I have endured unimaginable suffering, but I am not dismayed, because I truly see the light beyond the darkest moments, and I have chosen to press ahead regardless of the loss for the One who truly loves me and waits for my return.

Risk to Victory

Where to begin?

Today is my mid-week day off from my job. I chose this day so I would have a reprieve from the mental anguish of my chosen vocation or "insanity." Unfortunate that life becomes so demanding and overpowering that it leaves little time to "smell the roses."

 "Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the

grass under the trees on a summer's day,

listening to the murmur of water, or watching

the clouds float across the sky, is by

no means a waste of time."

John Lubbock

When I was a kid I would spend endless time laying on the grass gazing up into the clouds, dreaming or by a stream in the woods watching the trees bowing in the breeze. At the beginning of the new year I had purposed to myself that I would focus on developing my goals and setting steps to accomplishing my plans for my new adventure. Yet again, as in previous years, I was injured, and all my interventions were placed on hold. Now in the thick of the holding I am desperately trying to stay focused on the tasks I need to accomplish daily and those directed to my future.

Interesting how in striving to remain focused I have somehow become inattentive to what is before my eyes. I realized today that I have been reading material from June's devotionals, rather than the ones for August. Ugh! As I thought about it, I surmised that perhaps God meant for me to re-read those devotionals, because He knows me better than I know myself, and He definite knows what I need to see! So rather than berate myself, as I generally tend to do, I thanked God for His guidance and wisdom in so directing my understanding.

I journal daily, and on Monday morning around 5 am I wrote one line in my journal. It's from Jeremiah 32:27 "...Is anything too hard for me?" Yesterday I was a bit more energetic in my thought processes, but I was battling personal feelings I have regarding my time of solitude away from the well-meaning comments and heartfelt suggestions of friends and family about my medical decisions and the direction of my life. Sometimes I have to re-direct my focus, laying it down, once more, at the feet of Jesus, surrendering all to Him. It's too big for me, and my mind simply cannot absorb all that comes to me in an overwhelming career, the love of my friends and family, and the incessant chatter of the enemy into my thoughts. Sometimes I just have to scream, "Shut up in the Name of Jesus, satan, get out of my head!" His nasty henchman always slink off when the Name of Jesus is spoken, but they crawl back in a matter of minutes unless I remain vigilant. It becomes exhausting at times. I already endure this "noise" in my ear and head from the injury, so "voices" of slimeworts are really annoying!

Another reason I tend to shy away from friends during these times is because it is becomes easy to listen to good counsel from others, when I really only need God's advice, and He has told me that He will handle it, so why am I nursing and rehearsing this drama over and over again?! So why waste any more time thinking about it or talking about it. God said He'd handle it! I have way too much work to do, and way too many other things that need my full attention. My focus has to be on Jesus. He knows very well what we endure on a daily basis, as He suffered just like us. He feels my exhaustion, sees my tears, feels my pain, and hears my prayers.

Yesterday I actually did write "June 8" in my journal for a quotation, yet I failed to "see" the date. Still in reading through Jeremiah he was called as a prophet, and he was not allowed to marry or have a "normal" life. In the June 8 quotation from No Wonder They Call Him the Savior by Max Lucado he writes,

"What kind of God would give you families and then

ask you to leave them? What kind of  God would give 

you friends and then ask you to say goodbye? A God who

knows that the deepest love is built not in passion and

romance but on a common mission and sacrifice. A

God who knows that we are only pilgrims and that eternity

is so close that any "Goodbye" is in reality a "see you

tomorrow." A God who did it himself."

I guess I understand how Jeremiah and others feel, because I know how important it is to keep focused on what I know Abba wants me to do. Yesterday I had an interesting conversations with one of my fellow team members regarding my "nothing new under the sun" philosophy as it relates to today's Christianity and the stand the church should be taking by occupying for Jesus which would rid us of the need for government assistance in supporting the poor, elderly, sick or otherwise infirm. And the focus needs to be on everyone and not just the "sheep" of our individual congregations. Imagine the impact on the world if that happened. And it can. I guess I am just a die hard when it comes to "misfits," like myself who "litter" society. I know this is my focus now and for the future, and true to God's re-direction, my quotation for August 10th:

"How far you go in life depends on your being tender with

the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with

the striving, and tolerant of the weak and the strong -

because someday in life you will be all of these."

George Washington Carver

The commentator for My Daily Walk writes "Faith like a muscle, grows by stretching." Jeremiah, better known as the weeping prophet, as opposed to Isaiah who spoke with a fire shooting from his tongue, never wavered in his call from God. He was opposed on every side, accused of betrayal, flogged and imprisoned, put in a cistern to die, and yet he continued to remain true to God's call to preach an unpopular message. "Jeremiah's faith never wavered because his focus never wandered. Imprisonment and intimidation could not take his eyes off his sovereign Lord. With his gaze firmly fixed on God, Jeremiah could fearlessly proclaim God's message, trusting him to take care of the consequences." He focused not on the "problem" but the "Problem Solver." And true to His word, God delivered Jeremiah from the enemy who sought him out when the Babylonians destroyed Jerusalem, and placed him under the protective care of his people, in his own land while others were marched off to a foreign land in captivity. God kept His word, as He always does.

As I talked to Abba this morning I shared my concerns for those who are being tortured, murdered, confused,and particularly those whose lives are in torment because satan makes it so impossible to believe God hears our prayers. Sometimes a tormented soul takes what they deem in confusion to be the only way out to silence the voices, while at the same time continuing to cry out to God for deliverance and feeling He does not hear or care. He feels unworthy and hopeless with the thumb of guilt and shame holding him down. But God always answers, and I believe that even if this soul momentarily listens to the threats of the enemy shouting relentlessly into their consciousness "You are nothing! You are hopeless! No one could ever love you!" and attempt to take his life that God in His great love and mercy will rescue. He tells him He heard his prayers, and reassures him of  His love, and offers him life eternally. This may provoke argument, and I certainly do not condone suicide, but I believe that given the life I have lived and the dogged determination of the enemy to destroy my soul and my family, I know God is merciful, especially to one who truly wants to be delivered and saved from such a life. These beloved ones may not have the support of family and true friends to listen and stand with them. The key concept here is "stand with them." That requires time, love and unending compassion. We are all misfits, all in need of a Savior's love. And He's standing there with His hand extended each moment of every day! If the enemy of our souls is relentless, remember our God is an all-consuming fire! "No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us!" Romans 8:37

Today my head is bursting with revelation, ideas pouring into my brain so quickly, inspiring me for the next step...both here and now and for when I begin a new phase in December. So amidst the prayers being texted to me on my cell phone, the phone ringing with drama from my problem child, the pain in my head threatening to take off the top of my head, and my computer refusing to cooperate as I write this blog, I can smile and look forward to what Abba has planned for me today, and I can still praise Him above the noise. I am choosing to re-direct my focus on Jesus!

"Risky love seizes the moment."

Max Lucado

And the Angels Were Silent

Next Step to Freedom

Do you ever feel like you are wasting the most precious gift we have...time? My life is on a perpetual roller coaster going up and down and all around and arriving back at the same spot where the ride began. I remain stuck in this invisible prison held in the stocks of time unable to venture past a certain point, then helplessly retreating again. I don't want to live this way anymore. I must gather the strength to get it done. This journey I began several years ago, no the path I never took, because I wouldn't go against my parents. You see back then, I didn't realize it was the voice of God I was to follow above all voices. Even if it meant leaving my family behind. I had another time to choose, and thought I made the right one, only to be abandoned...surprisingly by the very ones I put before my own dreams.

It's sad that my life has become conventional when it was destined to be extraordinary. I have had my radical moments, but fear has held me captive for way too many years. I exist to get up every morning, walk the few feet to my home office and try to at least live one minute part of my life's story, howbeit not in the way I prefer, and not the one I know I am predestined to fulfill. Now that I am approaching the age of emancipation, so to speak, I am beginning to see the new possibilities I can choose, rather than remain mired down in the muck. I've had to shut out all the voices so I can fully focus on the One voice I so desperately need to hear. And I need the courage to lay everything else aside and follow His Voice.

I want my life to be fully surrendered to Jesus. I don't want to be told by anyone other than Him how I am to live my life. All I've ever wanted was to live simply, share all I have in plenty or want, and just be real. People speak of authenticity and yet I don't think there are many authentic people in the world today. When I find one I immerse myself in their life hoping to find a piece of my own, and I find kindred spirits most of whom are already in heaven really living the life with Jesus. I want that life too. While I want to fulfill on earth the vision He's given me, I so hunger to be near Him, truly there in His presence. I cannot quell that desire, and I don't want to, because this world is not my home. I so desperately feel alone without Him. But I guess He's got something yet for me to do, someone to inspire, someone to love, or whatever it is I do.

The more I read modern Christian authors I see they are really saying the same things over and over, and there really isn't anything new under the sun, as Solomon so adeptly stated. It's always helpful to read someone's story, but they never fully explain how they escape, or how long it took. What's the value in reliving the garbage?! I've been trying to write the story, as I feel Jesus would have me do, but I'm still not at the place where I can really begin. How can I write about something I've never done or write about people I haven't met except in my head, in my dreams, in my visions.

I'm certain by now anyone who is reading this is thinking she has finally gone off the deep end, and I hope I finally have. It's way past time to be who I am supposed to be. I'm kinda rushing into the crowd as I do, caution thrown to the wind, which is my way when the radical me shows up. My predecessors are all gone now, so I have to pick up the slack, and I am not really afraid of where it may lead. The important thing is that it is done. I have to be who God created "me" to "be." Just me. Only me. Not someone else idea of who I am or should be.

So what's next? All I know is I turn 66 on the 14th, and I will be getting in my car and heading out for somewhere for a few days to be alone, to listen. When I return, IF I return, then I believe I will have a clearer picture of what that next step will be. I could say I'm going home, but my home isn't here on earth. I am homeless really, and I like it that way. I've been hanging around trying to become "vested" in the world's idea of security, but my security has never been in money and things. My earthly possessions are limited to DVDs, books, mementos from friends, and a menagerie of stuffed friends. If you visited the place I rent you'd see a home filled with "stuff," but when it's packed away in boxes it amounts to very little. My true treasures can be carted around in a tote bag. Everything else can be replaced. I travel light, but I guess I've collected a lifetime of memories in each photo, flower, petal, and book. Memories that have been etched into my heart and soul that time and space cannot erase. I am blessed.

I've been in turmoil way too long, as I have tried to live a traditional lifestyle. Of course, I cannot complain too much, because it has afforded me the opportunity to give where there's need, and believe me if you truly want to be of service to Jesus, you do not have to look far to see need in the devastation of lives all around this country and world, beginning in your own home and backyard. It's time to give back regardless of the life you are living. God enriches our lives in ways that surpass money and material possessions, and the greatest gift is time, and your most valuable asset is love. It's the call everyone has who desire to serve Jesus. His last words to us, if you recall. That's all I want to do is love others. I want to love them all. Even if I receive rejection, even if I receive pain, and even if I die trying. "To live is Christ, and to die is gain."

Surrender

I come empty-handed. Bereaved, void of feelings, numb...! I have been mindlessly swimming in a pool of swirling opinions and propaganda. Neither here nor there. In this sea of anguish I only remain adrift by remembering my Father's faithfulness in former days of restlessness and fear. I recall His hand of love holding mine, the comfort of his embracing peace and overwhelming calm to my soul.

Today I retreated to my prayer closet away from the voices and noise in my head to a place of surrender. I escaped from the terror in my mind to my place of safety on Thursday, and although I continue to struggle at times, I have stayed away from anyone's opinion other than God's, and I am healing. For so long I have prayed to be unoffendable, and I have been put to the test repeatedly over the past few months. How else can I learn? It is a devastating blow to the heart when flesh of your flesh delivers the blow that knocks you senselessly to the ground. Repeated blows time after time send me deeper into the pit of despair, and although I see His hand reaching down, the unworthiness I feel keep me from grasping hold at times, prolonging my agony, my defeat.

Memories can be particularly devastating, even when there was nothing to be done at the time of the offense. Sometimes I wish I could switch off my mind and fly into that quiet place where only good memories exist - kind words and deeds, selflessness, courage, agreement, serenity, symbiosis.... So many rewards for heavenly living.

I am so physically tired, drained of all physical stamina and emotion save one... joy in the Lord as my strength and the hope and peace that passes all human understanding. Peace does not come easily for those who do not believe. Trust and belief are huge obstacles for those skeptics who doubt the existence of a one true God. Sadly a waste of time. Skepticism.  

As I continue in my solitude, I pray we can all seize the day for possibilities beyond the confines of our sorely decrepit minds and humbly seek the counsel of a loving Father who loves us regardless...!

A New Day

Once more I am laden under a heavy burden. Actually there has been an onslaught of the enemy's attacks since yesterday, but for the moment I feel calm, safe, and resting in Abba's warm embrace. Yesterday I told a friend that I wanted to die, as I have grown so weary of this battle against injustice. I have said this often, and I don't feel that saying it is a curse, it is just the truth. I am in good company as many thousands of years ago Paul spoke the same ones (Philippians 1:21). He knew that living was going to continue to be beyond challenging, and although he welcomed death, he was able to endure the battle, because he had Christ at his side. I know this same truth, and  I, like Paul, and many others over time, grow weary in the battle. We just have to keep reminding ourselves that the battle is not ours, but His! It seems as if I have to remind myself of that very fact on a daily basis, as I am going through a miry pit, and I feel so desperately alone.

Yesterday as I cried out about the delays and abandonment I am facing at the hands of a corrupt business, I realized that I am not like them, and I do not want to handle this matter the way the world does. I could hire an attorney and win hands down, but it is not my way. Perhaps it will come to this in the end, but I pray not. A few weeks ago I received a message I knew came from God to my ears over the radio saying, "Don't say, 'I will get even for this wrong.' Wait for the Lord to handle the matter." Proverbs 20:22.

This morning I heard these words: "In his kindness God called you to share in his eternal glory by means of Christ Jesus. So after you have suffered a little while, he will restore, support, and strengthen you, and he will place you on a firm foundation." 1 Peter 5:10.

Last night I had my first symptom of the "rare" eye condition diagnosed earlier this year - severe eye pain. When I was told by the Ophthalmologist that I may experience pain, I didn't know what he meant as I have endured sharp pain in and through my eyes and head as long as I can remember. So when this "new" pain hit last night I began to understand a new level of suffering I may be called upon to bear. As with all things my response is laughter. After all, what else is there?! As a response I mean?! Cry? Curse? I prefer laughter. I mean...really!!  If I could relate to you how many times I have heard the word "rare" spoken to me, you too would respond with laughter! What are the chances in a lifetime?! Yet, it's okay. I can handle this just like the other times, by saying..."So whaaaaaaaaat!"
My friend, Ruth, will appreciate this humor. I just pray for the grace to endure the pain, as I was reading it often lasts for days. Another so what, as I've lived with chronic pain elsewhere, so...!

All I know for today is...I am alive, my tears have ceased for the moment, and I have a smile on my face as I am typing, plus I managed to read several chapters of Jeremiah, the great weeping prophet, pray for our nation and other things, and still be calm. Now that's a testimony to the limitless grace and mercy of Abba Father. Here's what Max Lucado says:

"In your Bible of over a thousand pages, what matters?

Among all the do's and don'ts and should's and shouldn'ts,

what is essential? What is indispensable? The Old Testament?

The New? Grace? Baptism?... The part that matters is the cross.

No more and no less. The cross."

No Wonder They Call Him The Savior

 "Look at the Messiah himself. A blue-collar Jew whose claim altered

a world and whose promise has never been equaled."

No Wonder They Call Him The Savior

"Why did He pick you? He wanted to. After all, you are His.

He made you. He brought you home. He owns you. And once upon

a time, He tapped you on the shoulder and reminded you of that fact.

No matter how long you'd waited or how much time

you'd wasted, you are His and He has a place for you.

And The Angels Were Silent

My prayer for today is that I can heed the words of Proverbs 20:22 and wait patiently and contentedly for the Lord to work things out. A new chapter in my life will begin in January 2017, one Abba has yet to reveal in its entirety. I know wherever He leads it will be heaven on earth, even if others who hope for something different do not understand. My timetable is not my own. He calls the shots in my life. Nothing more, nothing less. As a friend shared with me yesterday, "...the battle isn't yours, it's God's, because they are messing with one of His anointed." Thanks for the reminder, dear friend.

"Always begin anew with the day. Just as nature does;

it is one of the sensible things that nature does."

George E. Woodbury