Do you ever feel like you are wasting the most precious gift we have...time? My life is on a perpetual roller coaster going up and down and all around and arriving back at the same spot where the ride began. I remain stuck in this invisible prison held in the stocks of time unable to venture past a certain point, then helplessly retreating again. I don't want to live this way anymore. I must gather the strength to get it done. This journey I began several years ago, no the path I never took, because I wouldn't go against my parents. You see back then, I didn't realize it was the voice of God I was to follow above all voices. Even if it meant leaving my family behind. I had another time to choose, and thought I made the right one, only to be abandoned...surprisingly by the very ones I put before my own dreams.
It's sad that my life has become conventional when it was destined to be extraordinary. I have had my radical moments, but fear has held me captive for way too many years. I exist to get up every morning, walk the few feet to my home office and try to at least live one minute part of my life's story, howbeit not in the way I prefer, and not the one I know I am predestined to fulfill. Now that I am approaching the age of emancipation, so to speak, I am beginning to see the new possibilities I can choose, rather than remain mired down in the muck. I've had to shut out all the voices so I can fully focus on the One voice I so desperately need to hear. And I need the courage to lay everything else aside and follow His Voice.
I want my life to be fully surrendered to Jesus. I don't want to be told by anyone other than Him how I am to live my life. All I've ever wanted was to live simply, share all I have in plenty or want, and just be real. People speak of authenticity and yet I don't think there are many authentic people in the world today. When I find one I immerse myself in their life hoping to find a piece of my own, and I find kindred spirits most of whom are already in heaven really living the life with Jesus. I want that life too. While I want to fulfill on earth the vision He's given me, I so hunger to be near Him, truly there in His presence. I cannot quell that desire, and I don't want to, because this world is not my home. I so desperately feel alone without Him. But I guess He's got something yet for me to do, someone to inspire, someone to love, or whatever it is I do.
The more I read modern Christian authors I see they are really saying the same things over and over, and there really isn't anything new under the sun, as Solomon so adeptly stated. It's always helpful to read someone's story, but they never fully explain how they escape, or how long it took. What's the value in reliving the garbage?! I've been trying to write the story, as I feel Jesus would have me do, but I'm still not at the place where I can really begin. How can I write about something I've never done or write about people I haven't met except in my head, in my dreams, in my visions.
I'm certain by now anyone who is reading this is thinking she has finally gone off the deep end, and I hope I finally have. It's way past time to be who I am supposed to be. I'm kinda rushing into the crowd as I do, caution thrown to the wind, which is my way when the radical me shows up. My predecessors are all gone now, so I have to pick up the slack, and I am not really afraid of where it may lead. The important thing is that it is done. I have to be who God created "me" to "be." Just me. Only me. Not someone else idea of who I am or should be.
So what's next? All I know is I turn 66 on the 14th, and I will be getting in my car and heading out for somewhere for a few days to be alone, to listen. When I return, IF I return, then I believe I will have a clearer picture of what that next step will be. I could say I'm going home, but my home isn't here on earth. I am homeless really, and I like it that way. I've been hanging around trying to become "vested" in the world's idea of security, but my security has never been in money and things. My earthly possessions are limited to DVDs, books, mementos from friends, and a menagerie of stuffed friends. If you visited the place I rent you'd see a home filled with "stuff," but when it's packed away in boxes it amounts to very little. My true treasures can be carted around in a tote bag. Everything else can be replaced. I travel light, but I guess I've collected a lifetime of memories in each photo, flower, petal, and book. Memories that have been etched into my heart and soul that time and space cannot erase. I am blessed.
I've been in turmoil way too long, as I have tried to live a traditional lifestyle. Of course, I cannot complain too much, because it has afforded me the opportunity to give where there's need, and believe me if you truly want to be of service to Jesus, you do not have to look far to see need in the devastation of lives all around this country and world, beginning in your own home and backyard. It's time to give back regardless of the life you are living. God enriches our lives in ways that surpass money and material possessions, and the greatest gift is time, and your most valuable asset is love. It's the call everyone has who desire to serve Jesus. His last words to us, if you recall. That's all I want to do is love others. I want to love them all. Even if I receive rejection, even if I receive pain, and even if I die trying. "To live is Christ, and to die is gain."
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