I come empty-handed. Bereaved, void of feelings, numb...! I have been mindlessly swimming in a pool of swirling opinions and propaganda. Neither here nor there. In this sea of anguish I only remain adrift by remembering my Father's faithfulness in former days of restlessness and fear. I recall His hand of love holding mine, the comfort of his embracing peace and overwhelming calm to my soul.
Today I retreated to my prayer closet away from the voices and noise in my head to a place of surrender. I escaped from the terror in my mind to my place of safety on Thursday, and although I continue to struggle at times, I have stayed away from anyone's opinion other than God's, and I am healing. For so long I have prayed to be unoffendable, and I have been put to the test repeatedly over the past few months. How else can I learn? It is a devastating blow to the heart when flesh of your flesh delivers the blow that knocks you senselessly to the ground. Repeated blows time after time send me deeper into the pit of despair, and although I see His hand reaching down, the unworthiness I feel keep me from grasping hold at times, prolonging my agony, my defeat.
Memories can be particularly devastating, even when there was nothing to be done at the time of the offense. Sometimes I wish I could switch off my mind and fly into that quiet place where only good memories exist - kind words and deeds, selflessness, courage, agreement, serenity, symbiosis.... So many rewards for heavenly living.
I am so physically tired, drained of all physical stamina and emotion save one... joy in the Lord as my strength and the hope and peace that passes all human understanding. Peace does not come easily for those who do not believe. Trust and belief are huge obstacles for those skeptics who doubt the existence of a one true God. Sadly a waste of time. Skepticism.
As I continue in my solitude, I pray we can all seize the day for possibilities beyond the confines of our sorely decrepit minds and humbly seek the counsel of a loving Father who loves us regardless...!
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