3/19/2025
Another good nights sleep, but once again, I woke up with a type of fog hanging over me, stronger than yesterday, but deeper. This morning the news from Israel was devastating, but nothing I did not know was eventually going to happen. Jesus said as much in John 16:33 when He said: "These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world." In Matthew 24:3-14 He tells his disciples the signs of the times and the end of the age. In verse 8, He calls the signs, "birth pangs," and rightly so. I imagine my feelings this morning when I woke up were meant to discourage me, or to prepare me, depending on who's view, for what was to come once I turned on the computer for the daily brief. At least I realize where it comes from, and I can look to the Lord for my strength. It seems as if the birth pangs are getting closer, lasting longer, but there's something no quite right. So we wait, but we do not fear.
As I waited for the call, I began to remember people who impacted my life, family who struggled but who overcame great trials and some who muddled through. My sister and I are trying to get all our cousins together, because we're getting tired of seeing everyone at funerals. When we were growing up, we spent time together, and it forever knit us into a strong family. I want them to remember. Over the years, things change. We grow up, and some of us move away. I was gone for 35 years, and honestly I feel like a stranger being back here. As much as I love New Mexico, my mountains and aspens, and the snow, all my friends, moving home was necessary, and it may have saved my son's life. But it hasn't been easy, and I miss my friends. Two of my close friends and I used to go out regularly to eat. Each year we would go to the chili cook off to benefit the soup kitchen. Since I left my friends don't see each other much. I feel responsible, as if I was the glue that held things together. Maybe, but so much has happened, and sadly things change. I don't like change.
I've always motivated people, helped them find ways to get things done, ideas for activities in the church and in the community. I used to have the gift of seeing potential in everything. But now, finding anyone who wants to put forth the effort is hard, and that's a shame. We're missing out on so much. I'm always trying to get people to dare to dream, and to dream big. I don't believe of giving up or in. But, truthfully, I've lost a little steam to keep this old engine going. I'm having problems chugging up the mountain, because the valley is dragging me back down into the desert. The sand is hot, and my feet are burning. The heat of the sun bearing down on my head causes a dizzying effect, and I become tired, and I want to quit. Why bother to try to go on. I can't depend on anyone. No one follows through, some never put forth the initial effort. But regardless of the "I don't want to" that wells up inside me, there is the other side that fights and refuses to give up. I'm not a quitter, and I don't want anyone else to give up either.
I was listening to a favorite song this morning during my quiet time called The Narrow Way by Steffany Gretzinger. The lyrics are:
This song speaks my heart. I don't want to wander, because I am serious about this season of my life. I know God has His plan for my life. I'm just trying to catch up. Sometimes my friends and family have not understood my life, my choices. They know I love Jesus, and so do they, but they don't understand my obsession. It's always been there, never understood, but there is a small group of people, like Steffany who gets it. "There is nothing in this life worth the cost of losing You." So, I'll wait, and I'll take the days as they come, and I will walk the narrow way, the way that leads to life, and I won't be concerned with what I can't get done, I'll do what I can. Grateful for the chance.
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