Listening - Day 3

 

My heart is heavy, noise so loud, voices fighting to be heard above the other. Will anyone listen? Will anyone help? Does anyone see? Does anyone care?

I step outside myself, balloons in hand, I go outside to the fresh coolness of late afternoon. As I release each one laden with prayer, it is carried away by the gentle breeze, traveling upward to heaven. The weight on my shoulders is too heavy to carry. It was never intended to be so. The balloons will symbolically be my release of each burden. Up, up, one by one they float to Jesus who says "Come...."

As the last balloon leaves my fingers, I feel peace.

Listening - Day 2

Somehow I thought nighttime would be a great time to sit quietly, alone in the darkness, listening. Near the close of day, peaceful, still, but not so. It has been a long day, a physical one, working and cleaning. My belly is full. My mind ready to receive. But, it wasn't that way. As I attempted to settle myself comfortably in my rocker beside the window, my body tensed up, and I found it impossible not to squirm. My legs became restless. It was not until I reclined on the floor and became still that I was able to settle down and begin to listen.

The mournful moaning of Thor, my neighbor's Alaskan Malamute, who is missing the company of Kodak, his female counterpart filled the night air.  Kodak recently had a litter of puppies, so she has been staying inside the house with the pups as they struggle to survive. I listen for a response, but I am unable to discern a reply to Thor's pleading. Even now, I continue to hear him cry into the night.

Insects tuning up for the all-night vigil of discourse in the forest night, second only to the monotony of insects buzzing inside my skull. I thought at one moment there was a short cadence as the sounds slowly collided into a swelling crescendo. I expected to hear the clasp of cymbals at any time. I may go completely insane of I keep up this practice.

Traffic was slower, as one would hope. Regardless of the hour, someone is always going somewhere at some time going who knows where.

I began to wonder if I needed to sit tall and erect in the lotus position to hear the voice I long to hear. Even so, I know He's here, and I'm not alone. I never am. Perhaps the lesson learned tonight is the incredible gift of calm at the close of an otherwise hectic day. The breeze, coolness after a warm, sunny day, is refreshing. The hope of gentle rainfall in the air. Gratitude for a day well-lived. Simple pleasures in the midst of conflicting and troubling news reports.

I am reminded of all the chaos in our nation, even close to home. Wildfires are still burning in California, devastation in the aftermath of Hurricane Dorian on the east coast and Bahamas. The missing five year old child playing outside her home, now missing, just fifteen miles up the road. The world is anything but calm, and my heart cries out. I saw a woman with her hair pulled back, thin, standing in the median with a sign that read "Help me." There's a lot of that in Espanola, and I wonder....

This morning in my daily quiet time I read these words: "Do all the good you can, in all the ways you can, to all the people you can, as long as you can."

No flies this evening, only a solitary spider has woven its web in the corner of my kitchen wall adjacent to the stove. I decided to let it stay another night. Everything has its season.

Shutting down for the night now. Perhaps as I slip into a dreamless sleep, I can listen and hear if my mind remains quiet and my ears are attuned, my heart expectant.

Listening - Day 1

Have you ever taken the time away from your busy, ever-changing schedules just to sit and listen? We become so frantic in our daily coping, scheduling, arranging and re-arranging that we become numb to the sounds around us. In my case, I have become so busy asking for an answer to my trials that Jesus can't get in a word edgewise! I recently read about sitting an hour a day, quietly, without distractions, just listening, then write in a journal what I hear. The desired hearing, for me, would be an answer to a problem that gnaws at me each day and will until I find resolution. Thus, I decided to begin this practice. Brother Lawrence wrote a short treatise on The Practice of the Presence of God
ages ago. Of course Brother Lawrence was surrounded by silence, but still, he had to, as the title proclaims, practice.


My unrelenting noise in my head since my last head injury in 2016 is quite a distraction at times; however, I have been learning over the years to cope with it, just as I learned to deal with headaches and other chronic pain. A specialist tried to tell me that I had lost some hearing, probably because I am ancient in age, but the problem is not that I cannot hear, but rather, that I hear everything! My problems rests in the ability to discern from whence comes the other sounds or noises. I find it particularly challenging to try to listen for the voice of someone who is otherwise engaged behind a door where the washer or dryer are running, over the additional noises from television, air conditioner, and noisy neighbors above and outside. I fail miserably at times, but it is good practice, if you can call it that!

Today is a rather busy traffic day in the little hamlet of Velarde, New Mexico. No one ever obeys the traffic laws as they nod passing through, stopping only for a temporary repose at Mike's Mini Mart for gas or food from the little cafe. Otherwise, it is rather a sleepy little breeze through en-route to Taos or other pleasant retreats.

Hence, choosing to sit in my bedroom rocker, with window open, blinds drawn and curtains pulled to the side, I began Day 1. The highway runs past my little county road, and I live a skip and hop off that road. It's rather quiet here, and what amazed me was that in spite of the busy traffic, I could still feel and hear the silence around this little property. The neighbor's dog, Kenya, who was my constant companion recently died, leaving behind a chasm that cannot be filled. One of their other dogs, Shadow, a pit bull who has terrorized my flower garden repeatedly, remains on a constant vigil. It seems he feels it is his duty to protect me and show some semblance of love and affection during this time of grief. I must say that the little fellow is growing on me with all his snorting and heavy breathing. Somehow I feel that my CPAP would benefit him more. I've spoke with him about it, but he just snorts and lies down. Maybe that's what I should do.

Through the cacophony of noises I heard a symphony of bird calls, owls conversing, and baby birds cheeping from a nest located under my carport eaves. The sound of the wind rushing then the gentle breeze harmonizing with my wind chimes reminding me of God's Amazing Grace. My neighbors coming and going, and the soft chatter of hushed conversation carried across the yard. And no, I did not strain to hear what was being said!! The other senses were heightened during the exchange with smells of wind, trees,  and clean, fresh, mountain air. Fortunately I was not bothered by the two flies present as I am writing this blog, dive bombing around my head. Their minutes are numbered!

I rose from that hour of listening with a spirit of peace. After the hour was finished, I turned on the radio and heard Lauren Daigle singing her new release Rescue, and I knew it was God reassuring me once again that He has heard my pleas. Lauren sings:

You are not hidden
There's never been a moment
You were forgotten
You are not hopeless
Though you have been broken
Your innocence stolen .

I hear you whisper underneath your breath
I hear your SOS, your SOS.

I will send out an army to find you
in the middle of the darkest night
Its' true, I will rescue you.

Coincidence that this song should be the first thing I hear playing softly in the background? No, I don't believe in coincidences, only blessings and the faithfulness of a loving Father.

Peace has returned. One fly down - the other on his way out!

July 28, 2019 I Want More

It's a quiet Sunday morning. I didn't go to church in the conventional way. Many times I just need to crawl up into God's lap and be held. But, I do attend an online church that has become my church, as it speaks to the inner longing within my soul. The attendees are all broken people saved by grace by faith in Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. Everyone is welcomed and accepted in an "as is" way, because let's face it, if we're honest, we'll admit we have all messed up. There's only one perfect one, and His Name is Jesus.

For awhile now, a very long while, I've been struggling with some decisions, asking God to show me something. Any time in the past when I've cried out for a new word, God has told me that nothing had changed. Well, yesterday, and again this morning, I heard the same something. Only thing is that today God made it abundantly clear that my life has been on the right path. He also settled some thoughts I'd had about suicide and other ideas that are not accepted by many Christian circles. People are so quick to judge a human heart, a suffering heart without looking deep into the soul of that one. Jesus looks behind the surface. The word even says that Jesus looks at our hearts.

Ya know, I'm so done with judgment on any level, for any reason. When I look at another person, no matter what they have done or are doing, or their unkempt appearance, or their unsocial behavior, or what sign they are holding at a stop light, I want to see that person as Jesus does. I have been privileged to work with diverse people groups, in all walks of life, all ages, and I can truly say, I have learned from each of them and have grown to love each one. I think my hardest case history has been my own, and for the first time in my life I am beginning to understand that God loves me. "ME!" The other thing I am learning to do is to forgive myself. It is so much easier to forgive others, but myself with all my disappointments, not so easy. Brennan Manning and Rich Mullins have been good friends to me, and they struggled with similar feelings about themselves. Just sad I didn't meet them this side of heaven.

People are always looking for answers. Reading this devotional and that Bible translation, listening to this message and church shopping, which can be good. But there is nothing that matters as much as crawling up into God's lap and talking to Him up close and personal. This includes honesty about our emotional and spiritual conditions, surrender, and acceptance. It is a time of worship, and praise will ultimately follow. But it's a process, not an overnight success! Some don't feel that it's necessary, but if you truly want the life that is hidden in Christ, the life that God has for you, then, trust me, it is so necessary. David had it right in the Psalm when he said that one day in His Presence was worth a thousand others.

I'm on my path, and as long as I continue trusting Him, the journey will lead me to where I need to go. I can't see all the rocks along the way or the challenges that lurk around the corners, but I can trust that no matter what comes, He will be right beside me. Another thing I am learning is that people will disappoint us, but true friends are worth everything.

After not just listening to, but hearing, the message that Chad brought to Flatirons Church this morning (posted on Facebook),  I realize that I have already had many Cliffs in my life. It has been hard at times to get to the real person, but I pray that I loved them well. But I want more, because the job's not done. God has so much for each of us to do. Jesus still walks among us into the leper colonies. I want to walk with Him.

Remembering Jack

A few weeks ago I lost a very dear friend whose life touched many people, especially mine. Yesterday I spent awhile talking to his widow, Betty, who is also my lifelong friend, reminiscing about our childhood. In fact, her family was a place of refuge for me growing up as a child. As she spoke, sharing her heart with me, she said that although she and Jack shared everything, she did not realize how many lives he had touched and all the people he had helped. He was indeed a blessing, and his good deeds in the Name of Jesus will continue to live on. I wasn't able to attend the funeral, but my son, Daniel, who lives in Virginia, attended, and his life will forever be changed. He commented, as did Betty, about the message her pastor shared which included an invitation to accept Christ as Savior and Lord. Betty said, "Jack would have had it no other way."

Today, in my morning quiet, I read this quotation from Max Lucado's book, Six Hours One Friday, and I thought about Jack:

                                "If you ever want to know how to conduct yourself at a funeral, 

                                don't look to Jesus for an example. He interrupted each one

                                He ever attended. A lifeguard can't sit still while someone is 

                                drowning. A teacher can't resist helping when a student is 

                                confused. And Jesus couldn't watch a funeral and do nothing." 

I want my life to be like Jack's, whose life was all about being the hands and feet of Jesus in this world where conflict rules the news and unconditional love is not prevalent. But Jack's life was never about Jack; his life was about Jesus. I pray that my life also will sing of His excellent mercy and His amazing grace! This is the message that should ring from rooftops and funeral homes.

I love you, Jack, and I'll miss those brotherly bear hugs and your big smile welcoming me home! But, one day we'll meet again  in our eternal home! How glorious that will be.

Where I Am Right Now

Life is a daily struggle at times. We have choices to make. Sometimes we make good ones, other times not so good. Consequences follow. I tend to be very introspective, too much so at times. And I tend to become my own worst enemy. Honestly, at this juncture in life I am very battle weary. Some days I just want to give up. But that's not the life Jesus wants me or anyone to live. He died so we could have an abundant, victorious life in Him! He forgave our sins before we were even born! Today I was reminded of that in Romans 5:8 when Paul says: But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (NIV)

This morning I attended the worship service at my local church here in Velarde. I lifted my voice in praise to God through hymns, advent reading, and the reading of the scriptures. I love His Word. I find inspiration in hearing it, speaking it, and living it. When I was a child my parents and grandparents, as well as my Sunday School teachers and school teachers taught me about the love of God. I memorized scriptures, and I taught my children to memorize it. I en-grafted it on my heart. But as I grew up I began to feel that my value was dependent on what others felt about me. I wanted to be loved and cared for by someone special. I wanted the home and family.

When I returned from my local church, I turned on my second church service, the live stream from Flatirons Community Church in Colorado. The teaching comes from the Sermon on the Mount, a section of scripture that God has brought me back to over and over again throughout the past few years. Today Ben, the Teaching Pastor, talked about loving our enemies. While he was talking, sharing candidly about his own personal feelings about those who'd wronged him and others whom he loves, I began to think about others who'd made statements about me or hurt me or those I love. I thought I'd dealt with those feelings, but I came to realize that I had not released all of them. I wondered how I would react if I came face to face with them. I've gone through considerable healing over the last several years, but some things still hurt. But, another feeling that has grown in spite of all the hurt is the love and compassion I have for others who have failed in their lives. I want to wrap my arms around people and tell them they are loved and forgiven. My heart breaks for what breaks God's heart. The depth of these feelings is so immense. Yet, the one person I find it hardest to forgive is myself! I allow satan to beat me up almost daily, reminding me of things, my imperfections. Today I realized that I need to love myself, as Jesus loves me. As I love others. As I want to forgive others. I want my life hidden in Christ Jesus my Lord. I want to respond to people as He would in compassion and love and with forgiveness. As He hung dying on the cross He said, "Father, forgive them fore they know not what they do." And that's so true. We become so blinded by emotions that we do mindless things. We react in stupidity, and in so doing we hurt others and ourselves.

I want to be free from this prison of hating myself or holding a grudge against anyone. We have ALL sinned and fallen short of God's glory. I don't judge others, so why do I judge myself? I am a new creation! A friend sent me a list of scriptures from Christian author Neil Anderson about the Truth of who we are in Christ when we receive His forgiveness. If anyone is struggling, I would be happy to send them along to you. Professing the Word over our lives and over the lives of others brings liberty. I am so thankful that I have friends who remind me when I forget. I also know that when the battle is ongoing that God is getting ready to bring victory again. He has a plan for my life, and I do trust that plan. I may not be able to see the next step, but He already knows! Can I continue to trust Him, as He asked? I pray so, as His is the only path I want to follow. Yielded, I come, Lord.

 

Sorting Through

This morning I started going through boxes in the spare room in the home I rent. As I begin the process of sorting through and giving away, memories resurface and are tossed into the giveaway box for someone else to enjoy. It's a difficult process, especially when I've had to repeat the process numerous times over my lifetime. Picking up pieces and beginning again. It's not the way I planned things...it just happened, and here I am.

Waiting for answers is not easy. It seems as if this is the way of things with me also. But day by day I inch away at the tasks before me, and there is a sense of accomplishment in a small way.

Retirement is not as easy as it sounds in theory, unless you've planned it well. Mine has been a bit haphazard in ways, but I am muddling through the steps. I think I realize more and more how alone I am in the process, and holidays make the loneliness more unbearable. My family is scattered here, there, and yonder, and I begin to wonder if it will always be that way. That wasn't my plan either, but then life happened, and we go on, until there's a change or a wake up call or something. Perhaps my life was meant to be a solitary one.

God is always faithful to the call. He reminds me daily that I belong to Him when I question where I am supposed to be. He also makes it quite clear that He has set the solitary in families, as I am surrounded by people who love me, who enjoy hanging out with me. I make people laugh, and regardless of what happens, I do know that God is always here with me walking beside. I am reminded that I need to keep my focus on Him only, and the answer will be made crystal clear. My part is to continue to trust and know that He's good to His Word.

So today as I go through the motions of sorting through or checking off other items on my "to do" list, I'll do so with thanksgiving in my heart and a dance in my step, remembering His Amazing Grace and the incredible gift of Jesus' love and sacrifice for me. I remember how God relentlessly pursued me, He wouldn't let me go, and He won't let go now!