Day 291 - Day 304 Unoffendable

Whereas I don't watch television, as I do not subscribe, I do enjoy watching select series shown on Netflix. In my search for something not perverse I found a series, now in its fourth season, called Arrow. It's about a filthy rich, young man who when ship-wrecked with his father after their boat capsizes in what they think is storm driven, discovers that his father is not the man he believed him to be. Adrift on a boat, short of provisions, before taking his own life, his father confesses his wrongs, and his dying wish is for his son to live to right his wrongs. The young man, Oliver, makes it to an island where he encounters torture, escape, and a series of events spanning five years where he is trained to become "The Arrow" as he returns to his home and family where he sets out to right the wrongs. In the course of his pursuits he becomes more than what appears to be a vigilante, he becomes a savior for the targeted poor area of the city.

As I watch the series I see Oliver mature from a playboy, spoiled rich kid, to a good-hearted, honest - beyond his hidden secret - young man, who no longer considers wealth to be something to use selfishly for one's own interests, but something to use to help others who may need a helping hand or a second chance.  And so, as I now begin the second season I am anxious to see who Oliver continues to become as he struggles to regain his strength, courage, and direction to rebuild a broken, devastated city.

I admit I have been struggling myself which is one reason I do not blog daily or always share my writings when I do post my blog. The idea behind my year long effort was to share my gratitude to God.  Regardless of how I feel physically or emotionally, no matter what I see or hear that challenges my faith in friends or family, I still praise my Abba Father who keeps me grounded in His word, for His purpose, and for His glory. At this moment I feel I have failed God so much, because I find it hard to have an unoffendable heart, as Jesus has.  And as my one desire for my life is to be like Him and live like Him, it hurts to the deepest part of myself when I feel I have failed.

Over the years since my daddy died I have tried to focus on the work I do for others, and the person I want to be in my own personal life and ministry. This morning my mind drifted back to talks with my daddy in his later years when I was able to visit him, especially after mama died. I always looked to my daddy regarding financial matters, as he was the one who taught me how to work, save, and stay free from debt. Sadly, when he needed me the most, I was in debt, so I could not burden him with my problems. But I realize now that he understood that about me, and I know that he loved me, respected me, and he was proud of the person I had become. He knew my sufficiency was not in money or possessions, but in God alone.

As the years went by and times changed, he understood less and less about the financial world, so he was unable to answer questions I had regarding 401k or pension plans. When I left my employment with the State and Federal Governments back in my younger years his advice to me was to cash out, and now I see that may not have been the best for me. Yet I trusted him, and he advised me the best he understood. My daddy didn't really understand the changing world. He understood the value of hard work and honesty. He understood tithing his income, provisions, time and beyond, because he understood what it meant to love your neighbor as yourself. Although he may have struggled with the loving yourself part, as do I, he would be the first to respond when someone needed help, regardless of his financial standing or the hardships he endured in his life. That is the legacy of my parents I hold dear, because they responded without indifference or thinking of themselves, to the call of Jesus.

Today I am very sad, discouraged, and my heart is breaking. Why isn't important. What is important is my response, and regardless of the disappointment I am feeling on so many levels, the only person I can change or for whom I am responsible is myself. And the response I make must be to choose the unoffendable heart, like Jesus, because He is the One I love, the One I choose to follow for all decisions in my life. I never thought my life would take the path it has, but I am grateful for the person I have grown to be. As a small child I encountered the profound love of Jesus Christ, and although through life I have strayed at times, nonetheless, He has never turned His love away from me. Now, I am misunderstood and often and the object of disapproval, but I still prefer to have a life hidden in Christ, and a life doing the work of my Abba Father. His is my legacy, as that I have from my earthly daddy. It is my prayer that one day those I love will come to see that life is not about earthly treasure, no matter what the need may appear to be. What matters first is seeking His kingdom and his righteousness, then He handles the rest. Trust me, He does what He says, and His word is to be trusted.

Love, Respect and Honor

I have trouble sleeping. I don't always have a reason - sometimes I am too exhausted to sleep, if that makes any sense at all. Other times I am in pain. Rather than pop a pill, sleeping or pain, I pop in a favorite DVD, one I have watched so many times that I can say the entire script by memory.

I particularly enjoy science fiction, fantasy, thrillers, aka...who done its. But I think my all time favorites of favorites are movies set back in times gone by when men were gentlemen and chivalry was in vogue. A man who honored his word and who respected the woman of his desires. I doubt one finds a mix of such quality and virtue in our modern society; however, I do know of a handful.

Jane Austen has written some significant works along those lines of which I speak. Pride and Prejudice, Sense and Sensibility, and Persuasion are three classic favorites, and naturally I happen to own the movies, as well as the books. Mr. Darcy, in his shy, and often not-meaning-to-be somewhat offensive manner are beyond words. What a story!

In fairness there are some movies, written in recent years, of equal value in my considered opinion of what connotes a notable, classic example of true romance. But first, let me explain to you what I mean by "romance" as I see it. It is not the slobbery, panting, over-zealous attempt to seduce, rather a scene as one set back in time where consideration and respect are of the utmost importance in truly falling in love...the honorable way. Hand holding, walking in the woods escorted by parents in the distance, and perhaps a slight kiss upon the hand. Ahhh.

Okay, boy meets girl...they actually talk, as in carry on a conversation. Sometimes the first meeting is not even acceptable much less exceptional. In fact they may actually loathe each other at first sight. In the Movie Letters to Juliet we catch a glimpse of "loathe at first sight" where it eventually turns the other direction after a series of "events" have transpired, often whimsical. The interesting thing is that what drew them together was a letter written to Juliet as in Romeo and Juliet. So now you may get the idea,but then, maybe not!

 

The interesting twist is that the "the boy finds girl" is not the true story being depicted in this drama. It is actually more like Jane Austen's book and the movie Persuasion where love is lost but rediscovered. Watch it and read it! You're never too young to appreciate true love! Of course in the misadventures of the hopelessly love struck young lovers, as Jane Austen puts it in the movie, Becoming Jane,"after a little trouble, they have all they desire"...or something along those lines. 

 

Discover the Twists

 

So there you have it! When you're tired, and you just can't sleep read Jane Austen or watch a favorite movie! But wait!! I have not spoken about the wonderful series of photographs at the top of the page. Talk about twist of fate! This all-time fave is the one that has been rocking me gently and sweetly to rest for the past few days. It stars Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, The Lake House, and you will just have to discover the secret of this gem of a 5 Star movie for yourself. Bring some tissues, as it has its moments! But as Jane says...."After a little trouble...!" And it isn't even her writing! Great stuff, so enjoy!

Until next time...Meet you at the classics!

Day 278 - Day 290 Slip of Time

Autumn is my favorite time of year! The crisp morning air, apples ripe on the trees, pinon pickers in every byway, fresh red chili ristras, and golden aspen trees gracing the mountain. I love autumn!

Regardless of what I experience in my day-to-day existence, no matter how much pain this old body feels in a day, I can still look out my window or walk out my door and drink in the beauty of God's glory! For me, nature makes me feel closer to Abba. As the season progresses and the holidays approach I find myself always grateful, yet I am so aware of the distance between myself and the people I love.

Each day I remember something funny my mama would say. Sometimes I think it is where I acquired my cynical edge, because she was too much of a lady to even remotely suggest outright cynicism. I recognize the traits in my children, never to the point of rudeness, just an edge and always in fun. I enjoy lifting spirits, seeing the positive side of things as opposed to dwelling on the not-so-good things. Still, I find myself sad at times on mornings like this one. I miss being who I am supposed to become. I miss "being." I miss Linda.

You'd think at age 65 I would already know who I am, yet I find my life changing in ways I never expected, never even allowed myself to consider. When I was alone in Pagosa Springs things seemed clearer, but returning back to the same life has hindered my vision again. Pain, after so many years of freedom, but it is getting more bearable as it becomes the norm again. I cannot complain. God has been so good to me. I am a miracle. I am unique. I am grateful.

One day we may find ourselves scurrying around, busily making preparations for a wedding, laughter in the air, and the next we are knocked off our feet from a blow we never saw coming. Decisions too remote to consider, much less make in a matter of days. The peacefulness of life is stolen by one simple change.

I know life gets busy, and I realize very well that sudden mid-stream reversals in plans can send fear and doubt into our hearts. But at the same time I know who holds my future, and I am not afraid. I become impatient at myself, because I feel so helpless to straighten my own path, yet He is here guiding me, taking me by the hand, and if I trust Him, my vision clears, my calm returns, and I am free once more to "be."

I watched a movie called Jumper where the hero is a young man who discovers he has the ability to jump through time in an instant. Imagine the possibility! Having a vast imagination myself I can visualize certain possibilities, so I really don't fear taking some risks. It's not age that's slowed me down, it's my focus on my own life story. I only want what God wants, and I know He wants me to follow my dreams, the ones He inspired, the ones He breathed into my soul.

Heart desires often get us into trouble, as I am well aware, but this ache, this longing deep within my soul calls out to me. I know I am missing something, perhaps someone. Time slips by, and I find myself in a quandary asking once more, "What do I do, Father?" The answer is always so simple, so gentle, never changing, and I trust. I don't know how the days will pan out from here, but I am making steps to clear my head. Pain or not my life will be exactly as it should be, and I am content again to wait and see, enjoying what I have right here, right now, always grateful.

Day 271 - Day 277 Into Another Month

 

Once again I find myself in the throes of pain and one more challenge I have to overcome. I count it a blessing to have been graced with a reprieve from such torment for so long, as most of my life I have had to live with pain. Sadly, it becomes "normal" as one makes the choice either to go on with life regardless of the pain or to give into it and cease to live. I choose to go on, and it is my hope, my prayer that I can rise above this test to bring greater glory to the One who loves me.

This past week I have been looking within myself asking Holy Spirit to show me areas of my life that need healing. In order to heal there are things I need to know, and often "seeing" brings more sadness, but I feel it is necessary to open the hidden places of the heart. I feel my life has taken a detour from the things that God has planned for me to do, and above all else, service to Him is my desire.

My time in Pagosa Springs ("pagosa" means healing) started a turnaround in my way of thinking about priorities in life and what I needed to do to change my focus. I continue to read and glean the advice of others whom I admire as those who make every attempt to live authentic lives. Transparency is a liberating trait, but truth is something we ask for but seldom want to accept. Still it is what I search for in the heart of a man or woman, and I believe it is what God honors most. It's senseless to think you can hide anything from God. He knows and sees all!

I attended a training this week that educated me about services available for those in recovery. The more we got into the subject of what the word "recovery" actually means, the clearer it became to me that we are all in recovery of one sort or another if we truly want to live a life of authenticity. "Recovery" has been defined as "a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength," and it generally comes after a long period of challenges, deep hurts and wounds. It doesn't necessarily mean recovery from an addiction or mental challenge, but it goes much deeper. All of life is an adventure, and there are no straight or easy paths regardless of what anyone may want imply otherwise.  Life is a journey, and it is less than easy. Still we go on, hopefully stronger for the wear.

In my quest for wholeness I have been reading many books, watching movies, but listening to one voice for my final peace. My life has not been what I thought it would be, but I know I am headed towards what God intended for it to become...in time...His time. James Dobson says..."One of the most important responsibilities in the Christian life is to care about others, smile at them, and be a friend to the friendless." There are no boundaries in my opinion when it comes to this dictate of being a friend to the friendless, but it goes much further and deeper. I believe we are to transcend our personal belief systems to reach out a hand to those who don't think as we do or live as we live. Love shown to everyone, because it is the love of God who loves everyone just as He loves me. As His disciples we imitate His example.

"Part of our job is simply to be...always attentive

to what we are doing and what is going on inside us, at the

same time we listen and pay attention to the people and events

around us. Part of our job is to expect that, if we are attentive

and willing, God will "give us prayer," will give us the thngs

we need, "our daily bread," to heal and grow in love."

Roberta Bondi

  

As long as I stay busy doing the things my heart leads me to do with regard to helping others in need, I feel better, less fearful, and less tired. There are many needs here, and my skill set helps to reach those God places in my path to get the help they need. The church doors need always to be open, and we need to be available, even if it means giving up things we would rather be doing. It is the answer to the Good Samaritan story..."Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." Even if it means being inconvenienced now and then. Show compassion, and try to understand.

What's next for me? I'm taking one day at a time, one step at a time, keeping my eyes straight ahead, watching, waiting, listening, living, and hoping. My hearts wants God's best for me, so I must not look at what I don't have, but keep my eyes on what I do have in the here and now. I know that all things work together for my good, because I am called according to His purpose. Much more I am grateful for the extraordinary life I have lived, for the wonderful friends He has placed in my path, and for my future days whatever they are and wherever they lead me. God is faithful, and I purpose always to trust Him in the darkness, waiting for the light of day, the breaking dawn of a new day in love with Jesus.

Days 264 - 270 Thinkin' Outside of the Box!

"All the absurd little meetings, decisions, and skirmishes
that go to make up our days. It all adds up to very little and yet
it all adds up to very much. Our days are full of nonsense, and yet
not, because it is precisely into the nonsense of our days that
God speaks to us words of great significance. "
Frederick Buechner

More and more it seems as if my days are becoming unbalanced as more and more meetings are being scheduled at whim all labeled "Mandatory" while the important work that needs to be done is pushed to the side. The resulting conclusion at the end of it all is the addition of one more spreadsheet and one more weekly meeting to discuss what the spreadsheet is determining about productivity in a certain area. Forgive me if I sound somewhat cynical, but how can there be productivity if we are not doing the work we need to do in order to produce, because we are forced to attend meetings all the time - conundrum, catch 22? Whatever...it does not work. Does that make sense?

Still, because I do not want to appear negative, I continue to play the game, and actually, I play the game cheerfully, shaking my head at the redundancy and the conundrums, finding a way to muddle through and come out on top. I have learned the secret of perseverance...it is called "thinking outside of the box." If I have a skill to offer to the working class it is this one.

Growing up with limited income my mama taught me to "make do" with what was available to me at the time. So this skill is one I have tried to instill in my own children, and all the people God has graciously put in my path on my long, surprising, adventurous life of encountering the unexpected.

As a child growing up we dream of the future life will hold, and we make plans. Sadly, dreams are dashed and reality turns a different page in our lives. Still, although my life has taken many twists and turns, it has offered me many opportunities to "make do" and to "think outside of the box."

I thank God for these gifts.

I have learned by accident along the way that teaching someone has to be creative and unique for each learner no matter the field of study. Over the years I have come to realize from a series of accidents and surgeries the challenges one can overcome given a strong will and determination to not succumb to the word "impossible." When I was in the sixth grade my teacher took me aside and asked me a question, "You're not as smart as your brother, are you?" This has stayed with me my entire life. For awhile I figured "why bother" if I'll never amount to anything. But when some dear friends died and rocked my world I came to understand that the only one I was hurting by "not trying" was myself. So I buckled down, and I graduated with honors. 

It wasn't until later in life did I come to realize why learning was more difficult for me, and that there are different ways to learn, plus not all teachers are created equal. The answer had little to do with my capability for learning, as I am very intelligent and quick to grasp, but my style of learning is more hands on than in listening and reading. Plus the fact that as a child I had a head injury which rattled my brains a bit. Add to that the autoimmune disorders I have learned had much to do with the headaches I suffered from early childhood up to adulthood and even into the present day. Many factors since childhood have factored into the equation such as additional injuries to my brain. Not that it really matters that much as I have learned to overcome by "making do" and by learning to see myself as who I am - a person capable of doing just about anything I want to do and do it well. I honestly feel that anyone can overcome given the right understanding and acceptance of who they are and who they are to become. God can do all things in and through us if we only believe and not doubt. I, for one, am stubborn enough to take Him at His word, regardless of what life tries to throw our ways, or to any degree of injury. Others believe the same, because others have overcome to a larger degree than I after sustaining severe injuries or illnesses. My life's work is in trying to make the skeptics understand the importance of never saying never.

As I am writing, my vision is failing, my head is hurting, and my body is wracked in pain. My "new eyes" aren't working so well this morning, so if there are spelling errors, please forgive me. I am having a difficult time focusing, but at least I can think past the blurry eyes and the throbbing head.

No impossibilities for me today! Time is precious.

 "God wants you to fly. He want you to fly free of

yesterday's guilt. He wants you to fly free of today's fears.

He wants you to fly free of tomorrow's grave. Sin, fear and

death. These are the prayers He will answer. That is the fruit

He will grant. This is what He longs to do; He longs to set you

free so you can fly...fly home."

And the Angels Were Silent

Max Lucado

Last night I was watching an older movie, and one of the songs in the soundtrack is one of my all time favorites, Ain't No Mountain High Enough.  

If you need me, call me
No matter where you are, no matter how far
Just call my name, I'll be there in a hurry
On that you can depend and never worry

No wind, no rain
(No wind, no rain)
Nor winter's cold
Can stop me, babe, baby
(Oh, babe, baby) 

If you're my goal

Oh, no wind, no rain
(No wind, no rain)
Can stop me, babe
If you wanna go

I know, I know you must follow the sun
Wherever it leads
But remember
If you should fall short of your desires
Remember life holds for you one guarantee
You'll always have me

And if you should miss my love
One of these old days
If you should ever miss the arms
That used to hold you so close, or the lips
That used to touch you so tenderly
Just remember what I told you
The day I set you free

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
Ain't no river wild enough
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
(Say it again)
Ain't no river wild enough
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Nothing can keep me
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Ain't no valley low enough
(One more time)
Ain't no river wild enough
(Say it again)
To keep me from you

Ain't no mountain high enough
Nothing can keep me
To keep me from getting to you babe

Hearing that song brought back many memories of that part of my life. Messy, at best. I am a hopeless romantic, not in the sense of relationship, but in living the life I was meant to live. But then I see "romance" in ways other people find senseless. I see differently than most do, so opinions don't really bother me. It used to, but no more. I am learning to be myself in all situations, and that's not a bad thing. It is liberating to be happy in your own skin, especially since God created me to be me! Just as He created you to be you! We are each unique, with our own gifts and callings, and we make up a world of people who offer themselves into the mix. I think God is rather creative, don't you?

He thought outside the box! Imagine the possibilities!

 

 

 

Day 263 Me Time

 

"Some nomads are at home everywhere.

Others are at home nowhere, and

I was one of those."

Robyn Davidson

Tracks

An adventurous life is something I dream about having. My older son once said he was full of wanderlust, and I think he must have gotten that characteristic from me. It's not a bad trait, if you don't shirk responsibility and throw caution to the wind. But it is somewhat solitary, so you have to be the type of person who can easily adapt to all circumstances. I've been adapting to change most of my life, so perhaps this is the life for me.

This afternoon I watched the movie Tracks the story of Robyn Davidson who made a trek across the desert of Australia to the Indian Ocean which crosses 1700 miles. It is a tale of an impossibility, especially for a woman alone, but she did it, because "impossible" is not a word in her vocabulary. Granted she made the journey when she was younger, but I still feel that there are dreams at any age we must pursue. Impossible isn't in my vocabulary either, so I defy anyone who tries to dampen my spirit, the person I was born to be and the life I was created to live.

Doings things alone has always been my experience, because no one can walk or live out your destiny. It is a very personal call, and there should not be limits as we walk out into the great  unknown clothed in faith, hope, and determination living out our destiny.  I am at a place in my life where I feel that I am on the verge, the edge, of stepping out and taking that leap of faith to my next adventure.

Where my path will lead, what it will entail, and who it may involve are still questions, the answers I am exploring. Robyn's right when she said that we need very little in the way of "things" in our life. I know I've been feeling the need to minimize "stuff," which is the reason I never bought another home. I want to be free to just go and "be" living a life of freedom. So, where the road will take me is still being considered. Some days...most days I just feel like leaving it all behind, jumping into my car with my bicycle strapped on the back, and head on down the road. Who knows...maybe one day I'll just do it, even if I have to do it afraid!

 

Day 256 - Day 262 God's Way

 

"Could you do it all over again, you'd do it differently.

You'd be a different person. You'd be more patient. You'd

control your tongue. You'd finish what you started. You'd turn

the other cheek instead of slapping his. You'd get married first.

You wouldn't marry at all. You'd be honest. You'd resist the 

temptation. You'd run with a different crowd. But you can't."

Max Lucado - Six Hours One Friday

Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to find out and do 

whatever the Lord wants you to.

Ephesians 5:17 TLB

Saturday mornings are my special times to sit and listen to the voice of my Abba Father. I talk His ear off daily, but these times are special, because I can just relax and "be," and "being" is where I want to be the most these days. My time in Pagosa Springs reminded me that I must have all the time I can alone with Him, reading, praying, and above all, listening. My resolve to follow His leading only has not waned, and I know what I heard Him say to me. I will never doubt what I heard in the silence, and now I wait for the next instruction, the next word.

 

 

If you want to know what God wants you to do, ask Him, 

and He will gladly tell you, for He is always ready to

give a bountiful supply of wisdom to all who ask Him; 

He will not resent it. But when you ask Him, be sure

 that you really expect Him to tell you, for a doubtful

 mind will be as unsettled as a wave of the sea 

that is driven and tossed by the wind.

James 1:5-6  TLB

I have undertaken a great project to help with a Wednesday night program for kids, all ages, including adults who want to come as little children. We are all little children when our minds are open to learn new things, particularly the things God wants us to focus upon. We are learning how to pray, using the Bible, the sword of the Spirit and light to our path, as our source of all wisdom. If we but trust Him at His word, life would be less complicated, and less of our own doing. 

As Max Lucado points out we cannot go back and do things differently, so we need to focus on where we are now, choosing wisely, asking, not doubting or becoming impatient. Focusing not on what we cannot do, but focusing rather on what we can do. I think that is the key, because if we do it another way, we get "stuck" on feelings, emotions, and we deviate from the path. God is concerned about our dreams, as He so wants to give us the desires of our hearts when those desires are sound, based on His word. We should be thanking Him for not giving us everything we think we want, as we all would be in a world of hurt, and more worse for the wear. His way is the better way, the only way.

If I know anything about the Lord it is that He is not a God of confusion, so striving and trying to do things our way, in our time, will not work for the child of God. If we dedicate our lives in service to Him doing the best we can as wholeheartedly and honestly as we can, even if we fail or fall flat on our faces or backsides, he will be there to pick us up, dust us off, and put us back on the path. This is a given in a world of uncertainty. We simply need to believe that He rewards those who diligently seek Him.

I don't believe in striving with God, as it only makes me disquieted and preoccupied with things out of my control. Truth be said I don't have any control over most things, but I can make wise decisions. I have made it a daily practice to ask God to search my thoughts and my heart and to point out anything that offends Him, then make my path straight again. I was talking to my friends about the new movie War Room, and I shared with them about finding a secret place to be alone with God daily and pray. Of course the idea of the war room or prayer closet is not only to pray about needs, requests, but it is a place of high praise and worship, warring and standing in the gap for others, particularly our families, marriages, and ministries. God gives us the armor to do this, and it needs to be a daily practice.

My "war room" is my home office where I daily pray as I work for the needs of the people I serve, but my entire home is my prayer closet. I am alone, and I am always interceding for the needs that are many, as we all do as we sit, walk, stand, come and go.  My "war room" has bulletin boards with faces, names, requests, and I need to have another board for answers to prayer, victories being won. There's so much I need to do, especially if I am training others about the importance of making a stand in intercession. The enemy's goal is to divide and conquer, using guilt, doubt, and shame as his emissaries. He has many ways of blinding us from the truth and getting us sidetracked and out of the game, so he can win. Prayer and staying in the Word help make us become more savvy to his ways, and having daily discipline in setting that priority is the only way one can become victorious.

The closer we attempt to draw night to God, shutting out the worldly distractions and focusing on God's ways, seeking first the kingdom and His righteousness, or asking to break our hearts for what breaks His, the more the enemy tries to stop us in our tracks by sending trials, persecution, and all the tricks he has in his arsenal, but God never leaves us unguarded or alone.

 

Isaiah 43 tells us no matter what happens, He will be with us to keep us from harm...in the floods....

in the fires...!  An ever present help in time of need. So suit up and stand firm, anchored on the Rock of our Salvation - Jesus Christ, our soon coming King. Together we can stand and make a difference, and if we need to know anything, ask Him, waiting for your marching orders, then do it! Joyce Meyer says, "Do it afraid!" Sound wisdom from a gal who knows about the battle. I, for one, am going to heed the advice, strap on my armor, pick up the Sword and march victoriously into the battle with praise on my lips! God always sends Judah first into the battle. Judah means praise, and Jesus, is the Lion of the tribe of Judah. Won't you join us?!