Inside my Heart

"There are only to way to live your life.

One is as though nothing is a miracle. 

The other is as though everything is a miracle!"

Albert Einstein

"When we lose one blessing another is

often unexpectedly given in its place."

C.S. Lewis

 As I've been sitting here at my humble kitchen table going through my "to do" lists before the end of the year, my mind drifts as names appear on bits of note paper scattered here and there. My "giving list" grows longer each year, as the needs in the world are so great and growing. I have hope that this will change as our New Year brings news beginnings that I choose to see as a miracle. People often become so wrapped up in their own feelings that they fail to see the true meaning in current events. My eyes have been wide open as I see into our eternal future...one of promise and hope if we choose it. Everything is about making choices. We have been given that right.

This year certainly has not been one I would have chosen for myself, but I understand that God has a purpose for everything He allows to happen in my life. The way may be painful, agonizingly so at times, but the way grows clearer each step. I picked up an old friend last week, Hinds Feet on High Places, an allegory written by Hannah Hurnard. From time to time over the years I will re-visit this friend. It is always the right timing for me. The story is about a young shepherdess named Much Afraid who lives in the Valley of Humiliation, a member of the Fearing clan. She works in the employment of the Great Shepherd who is leading her to the High Places where she can be free and healed. Besides the characteristics her name suggests, she suffers from several physical deformities which make her grotesque to her Fearing clan who try to dictate her life through fear and intimidation, but the Great Shepherd and those who are close to Him see the true character of this gentle soul.

This is the story of her escape from the Valley to the High Places where she will forever be free in the service of her Lord. The path she takes is often descending, and along the way she encounters some of her enemies, her cousins Resentment, Bitterness, Self-Pity, Pride, and the one she fears the most, the cousin her family wants to force her to marry, Craven Fear. Much Afraid is guided along the way by fellow companions Sorrow and Suffering who are also in the Shepherd's employ. She also had but to cry out, and the Great Shepherd himself would be right by her side. He would come leaping and bounding on hind's feet to her side. She would look sadly down at her twisted feet and wonder how he could ever transform these feet that made her stumble and fall into hind's feet. But she trusted him in spite of all the doubt and fears she felt in her heart or the insults shouted out at her by the enemies who hid themselves along the way.

One journey was to the Valley of Loss. The way seemed to defy everything the Shepherd had ever  promised her, and the words of her enemies crowded her mind until she cried out in despair for the Shepherd to come to her rescue. When he was by her side she clinged to him and reminded herself that he was not a man who would ever lie to her. After a silence he asked her, "Would you be willing to trust me," he asked, "even if everything in the wide world seemed to say that I was deceiving you - indeed, that I had deceived you all along?" Although she was perplexed at the thought that he would ever do such a thing she responded that she would trust him. When she is put to the test and the horrible thought that the one person she chose to follow, to give her life in service to, had deceived her and had no intention of taking her to the High Places and giving her hind's feet, she was beside herself with fear. But as she looked within her trembling heart and considered the time she spent with him, she realized that nothing was more important than loving him, regardless of whether he loved her or not. This is her response:

"The awful glimpse down into the abyss of an existence without him

 had so staggered and appalled her heart that she felt she could never be 

quite the same again. However, it had opened her eyes to the fact that right 

down in the depths of her own heart, she really had but one passionate desire, 

not for the things which the Shepherd had promised, but for himself. 

All she wanted was to be allowed to follow him forever."

Hind's Feet on High Places

"In the Valley of Loss"

Hannah Hurnard

  

And so it is in my life of wondering but never asking why, although I do ask "how does it bring You honor...?" at times. It is not so much of a question but a desire to bring Him honor in all things. To see the purpose, but then if I knew the answer the enemy Pride may be lurking in the shadows to tempt me. All I know is that, like Much Afraid, I trust Him with every fiber of my being. Not having Him in my life would be unbearable, life meaningless. He is with me all the time, the first one I speak to in the morning, and the last one at night. I cannot imagine a better way.

"I feel it is far better to begin with God, to see His face first, to get my

soul near Him before it is near another. In general it is best to have at

least one hour alone with God before engaging in anything else."

E.M. Bounds

"His compassions fail not. They are new every morning;

great is thy faithfulness." 

 Lamentations 3:22, 23

Good News!

Christmas is a time of wonder and renewed vision. It is also a time when the suicide rate hits the highest peak for those who wrestle with depression and overwhelming and excruciatingly relentless pain from guilt and shame. Although I love the season, the festivities, and the wonderful food prepared by loving friends and family, it is a very difficult time for me. As I have shared with you before, I keep my little life-like Christmas tress up all year round to remind me of precious memories. I have a snowman tea set given to me by my daughter displayed proudly in my living/dining area, and my snowman and Demdaco angel collection brighten my living room. My memories and treasured gifts from friends and family.

Today, as almost every day of this year, with the exception of Sundays, I am pressed for time in getting to one appointment or another. My Wednesdays and Saturdays are generally my busiest days recently, but the crowded schedule has very little to do Christmas shopping, rather the time is spent on practical matters of life. Still, my early morning hours must be spent in Bible study and prayer, otherwise my life would fade away into obscurity. I need Christ's strength in everything I do, and I need that boost of energy and revival that comes from reading God's Word every day.

I am now entering the travels of Timothy, but I have had such a pressing schedule this week that rather than go forward, I wanted to back track to the book of Philippians for precious morsels of wisdom I need so badly right now. Since Thanksgiving I have experienced the tragic loss of a dear friend whom I had hoped to see while home in Virginia this Christmas; I have learned of a dear friend's loss of her mother after a valiant battle with cancer; and my personal struggle with the affects of head trauma and a ridiculous work load that grows daily. Both my friend and my friend's mother are now resting safely and peacefully in the arms of Jesus, as are my parents who passed away during the Christmas season years ago. Still, the loss of my parents remains fresh in my heart, especially now, but the joy I feel in the knowledge that they are with Jesus is a tremendous comfort to my soul. What better time for a loved one to pass into the presence of God.

I want to share with you the wisdom I gleaned from my study of Philippians. The book was written by Paul while he was imprisoned in Rome for spreading the Good News of Jesus Christ. He was writing to the church praising their steadfastness in living their faith and openly sharing God's word of life through Christ Jesus. He urges the church to continue to agree with each other, love each other, and to be of one mind and purpose. He encourages them to:

"Do everything without complaining and arguing...." (2:14)

"Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights." (2:15)

"Hold firmly to the word of life." (2:16)

In Chapter 3 he shares the priceless treasure of knowing Christ:

"Whatever happens...rejoice in the Lord." (3:1)

"We rely on what Christ Jesus has done for us. We put no confidence in human effort...." (3:3)

"Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord." (3:8)

"...I become righteous through faith in Christ." (3:9)

"...I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead." (3:10)

"But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me." (3:12)

"...but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us." (3:12-13)

In Chapter 4 he offers words of encouragement:

"...always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again, rejoice!" (4:4)

"Let everyone see that you are considerate in all you do." (4:5)

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything." (4:6)

"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." (4:7)

"And now...one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." (4:8)

"...for I have learned how to be content with whatever I have." (4:11)

"For I do everything through Christ, who gives me strength." (4:13)

"And this same God, who takes care of me will supply all your needs from His glorious riches, which have been given t us in Christ Jesus." (4:19)

These have been wonderful, life saving words of encouragement to me, and I share with you in the hope that these words will bring you comfort in sadness and strength for all your days. Share the Good News today, rejoice always, pray about everything!

Happy Thanksgiving

As I sat at my table this morning I recounted the many times Abba has delivered my family through difficult circumstances. Each of my three children have encountered horrendous obstacles, and each one continues to suffer in one way or another. Together we have endured attacks on every level - spirit, soul, body, mind - yet through God's power we have overcome and continue to do so. Our journeys and the blessings that have come have truly been amazing, yet only I can see the significance of that statement at this moment in history. And that's okay, because I see the privilege we have been given by God to stand for Him as a testimony of His purpose in and through each of us. I praise and thank Him for His long suffering as we are difficult people.

This Thanksgiving, like many, I am separated from my children as my two sons live nearer to the east coast, and my daughter is simply too ill for a visit. Still, they are close to me in my heart. My tradition of the Star Wars marathon on Thanksgiving is something my sons enjoy, but my daughter has always been partial to Christmas dramas on the Hallmark Channel. I enjoy a mix of both, but then I watch Christmas movies year round. Christmas is a day-to-day celebration in my home, Christmas tree and all! I keep it up to remind me of the precious friends and family as each ornament or decoration has meaning to me. I believe it is important to surround oneself with the treasure we have in friends and family, special memories, and even bittersweet reminders. This way our hearts sing, and a smile lights our face each time we look around beholding the riches of our blessings in the simplest things.

Next Saturday I will host a fun-filled day creating ornaments or simple gifts with my friend's grandchildren. My latest endeavor is making Christmas stars from toilet paper rolls, an art I learned from a friend I visited this week. It's the simple things in life we can enjoy, and I will have another memory added to my already crowded little Christmas tree.

This Thanksgiving I am grateful to God for taking my life, such as it is, and using me for such a time as this. To bring glory to Him in all I say and do!

Proclamation

 

Each day of my life is a gift from God. I, who am a sinner saved by grace, am so thankful for a loving Abba Father. He made His presence known to me as a child struggling as part of a dysfunctional household and within my own life while battling enemies not yet recognized. He gave me dreams and visions that no man can hinder, regardless of the lies I have been given to believe from childhood up to the present age. He alone is my vindicator and judge. He alone is my Abba, my Lord, my Defender. He who shelters me day and night with His divine protection, because He neither slumbers nor sleeps. He loves me with an everlasting love. I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ, because it is life to all who seek Him. He gives life, strength, and comfort through the person of Holy Spirit who dwells within my soul and spirit directing my path step-by-step. No weapon formed against me and mine will prosper. Any tongue that rises up against us He will show to be in the wrong. He has promised to fight my battles. I never have to fear. He goes before me and holds my right hand.

I am speechless at the thought that He chose me for a special purpose and that He is putting people in my path to support His ministry in and through me. I am humbled and grateful beyond words. May I decrease that He will increase. All praise and glory to my Abba Father and my Lord Jesus Christ, lover of my soul.

This is my proclamation on this November 19, 2016. It goes out to everyone who reads this blog and with whom it may be shared. Jesus is Lord of my life.

Last night I was privileged to attend a benefit concert for Sangre de Cristo House and honoring the  founder, Father Terry Brennan. He was born in Ohio and attended Ohio State University and later American University in Washington, DC. He received his law degree and served in Washington, DC. While taking a sabbatical and volunteering in Santa Fe he realized this was the place he needed to be. Later he received his calling into the priesthood where he has served many people in New Mexico. His journey has been inspirational.

The main event was a performance by Ernestine Romero from Pojoaque who was named Female Vocalist of the Year at the 2016 Tejano Music Awards. I had such a wonderful time enjoying the music and mixing with my Hispanic friends and fellow supporters of this wonderful ministry. Sangre de Cristo House is a transitional living home for women in recovery located in Pena Blanca, New Mexico.  It supports women by offering "a safe home for recovering women by offering them a safe transitional home environment and by "helping them rebuild their parent/child bond, building life skills, by exploring how to balance employment and recovery, and growing a spiritual strength for long-term recovery."  It is a blessing and a unique resource for our community.

The longer I serve in this area of Northern New Mexico I see the many needs of the culture and the time in which we are living. We can either choose to grumble and complain and do nothing to change the circumstances of our world or we can grab the vision, roll up our sleeves and get busy doing something to make a difference. We will reach obstacles, and we will encounter opposition, but we look to God for direction and depend on Him to fight our battles. When Franklin Graham was doing his year long tour to visit the capitals of all the 50 states he urged Christians to become involved in government or support others who are actively trying to make this a better place in our homes, schools, businesses, community and government. 

While reading through my daily devotionals I stumbled upon some inspiring quotations:

"If the world seems cold to you, kindle fires to warm it."

Mathilda Gage

"The moment you doubt whether you cannot fly,

you cease forever to be able to do it."

JM Barrie

"Don't let yesterday take up too much of today"

Will Rogers

And now may God, who gives us His peace, be with you all. Amen (Romans 15:33)

Sharing Thoughts

Sunday afternoon at the movies is one of my favorite pastimes. Today I watched a PureFlix movie called "A Perfect Chord." It is the story of two teenage girls who are hiding their talents each for a different reason, each with a different fear. Together the two girls become friends, and along with the quirky side kick of one of the two who helps them pull it all together, they overcome their fears, and use their talents to bring glory to God. It's a must see for anyone struggling with overcoming fear and daring to pursue their dreams.

We all live with unrealized dreams that have been hidden away for one reason or another. We start out thinking we can change the world, but somehow, along the way on life's journey and enormous challenges, somehow we become sidetracked or too discouraged to dare to hope we can make a difference. So we choose to live a mediocre life...we settle for someone's else's idea of how our life should be lived. I've written it before...the little house with the white picket fence. But there are those who forsake it all for the call of the wild, so to speak. Having been down the proverbial yellow brick road seeking the assistance of the Great Wizard who simply does not exist, they succumb to disappointment and isolation.

Before I watched the movie I was having a conversation with Abba about my childish mind stuck in a senior's body. Somehow I still believe I can do anything I long to do in this life, if I only believe it and trust my crazy ideas. On K-Love news this week I heard a story about a gentleman well into his 90's who is still teaching school. Everyone loves him, and he has no intention of retiring, as he loves his job and his students, and they adore him. The staff at the school feel the same way. Mother Teresa must be smiling, as she persevered til the end of her days. Imagine if we all felt that way, had that dedication and intense will power, with the spirit of a child at heart.

This morning I asked our pastor who teaches at the high school how I could help. Apparently the school is in the news these days as it struggles to provide for the needs of our young people as well as other challenges. Years ago when I was much younger I helped another school in a similar situation, with the aid of the new principal's wife who was also a teacher. Drawing on my crazy ideas and unique "gifts," we worked to develop a program for at risk kids using puppetry. It worked very well, and it could have gone further had I had the desire to continue, but there were things in my life back then boiling under the surface. One school year ends and things change, and life goes on.

One day while standing in line at Natural Grocer's I accidentally bumped into a book stand, and a book fell onto the floor. I picked it up, and as I was placing it back on the shelf the title jumped out at me. Who knows maybe the book "chose me." Or perhaps God just wanted to get my attention, as is His way. The title of the book was Chicken Soup for the Soul Guided Journal. The subtitle read "Explore and Embrace Your Inner Strength," and then below it said "Doodle your dreams & discover the real you!"

In the introduction, appropriately entitled "The Reset Button" a Chinese Proverb is shared for inspiration:

"The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.

The second best time is now."

The idea behind the "part workbook, part devotional guide and all Chicken Soup for the Soul" is to provide a "positivity journal" to help one "hit the reset button and embark on an exciting adventure."

Included in the pages of this "positivity journal" are witty quotations, true life stories, and blank pages for notes, thoughts, and doodling. I've only just begun this new adventure, but it holds promise in rekindling a spark to ignite the old passion lying dormant within my soul or those on the verge of miraculously coming forth after a long, insidious slumber.

I often struggle to put aside things that trouble me deeply and threaten to steal my hopes for the future. This week I put aside another hindrance holding me captive in time, and I know the culprit will rear its ugly head again, but I pray I can squash that pesty rascal and silence its voice. I may have to live with unpleasant noises in my ear and head, but I don't have to listen to the voice of a thief and a liar who constantly tries to steal my joy and rob my peace. So it's done, for now, until the next time the sneaky pest attempts to stick a talon in my business. The results rest in God's hands, and I am reassured that He will fight this battle for me.

I may be older, but I am still alive, and my brain bursts with more crazy ideas and not so crazy ones. I'm with the very senior gentleman teacher, as I don't plan to give up on my life dreams either for the ridiculous reason of being older. I'm making new plans, and I'm keeping my old dreams alive at the same time. I'm taking an online literary class on CS Lewis' works, and I'm creating an Americana rag doll for a friend. There's still my book in the wings, but it is not forgotten, and I have a home to transform into my first "home for misfit toys." This will be a work in progress until I can raise the funds for a major project, but I even have some ideas about that one too! I am beginning to show an inkling of life and revival of the soul of this ole gal.

In December my plans are set to journey to Virginia, and together with my son we shall embark on a new journey together. He's used to my "crazy ideas," as he had to endure much in childhood, but I hope he's looking forward to my thoughts and dreams for my parents' home. I'm not certain how my life is going to play out in the end. I really can only take one day at a time, one small step at a time. This year brought a major setback in my year long goals, but I'm healing, and more than that, I am determined. I want to use my talents for God's glory, and I simply refuse to let circumstances stand in my way. Nor will I allow anyone's opinions to stop me in my tracks, as I have often allowed. I still have many obstacles that need to be overcome, and I still have to battle the chemical imbalances, but today I feel hopeful. Today I feel alive.

Dry Bones Breathe!

This weekend is going to go down as one of wildest ones in quite a while. I love it! What satan tried to make a lousy weekend, that basically shattered my plans, is turning into one of the greater blessings. While in the midst of this great joy, I am aware that I may have lost ground with someone who is struggling very deeply, because I dared to share my faith. I posted on Facebook that Jesus is not just the answer, He is the only one, and my life has been a living testament of His power in times of weakness.

And so my day began....  Yet...here I am! Alive in every sense of the word. Pain is not my enemy, nor is fear! My enemy is a toothless, old lion trying the suck the marrow out of my life. Well, this ole gal is tired of that stuff, so when he sends a "friend" to try to slow me down, it doesn't really work as he'd planned. Even when immobilized I can sing, praise, and pray! If I fall asleep, I can dream! I had a strange one last night, but I know the visions are returning. Warnings come in dreams.

Yesterday as I was catching up on my Bible readings I paused at Acts 4: 32-35: "All the believers were united in heart and mind. And they felt that what they owned was not their own, so they shared everything they had. The apostles testified powerfully to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and God's great blessing was upon them all. There were no needy people among them, because those who owned land or houses would sell them and bring the money to the apostles to give to those in need." (italics mine)

That's been my philosophy, and I've tried to teach my children to have the same values. My daughter literally gives people the last can of food in her pantry or the shirt off her back. She has a wonderful spirit of giving. People pity her sparsely adorned home, empty pantry, and broken refrigerator absent of food. But she brightens up a room with the love of Jesus, and she can pray for you with heart and soul. She literally lights up the room. I pray everyone has an opportunity to meet her one day...for all she is not, she is so much more.

My family is broken, as is their mother, but we are surviving the snares laid to trap us and brings us to ruin. In each our own way we are facing the tremendous adversities, the adversary who comes to steal, kill, and destroy. But as matriarch of this family I will have none of that! My Abba Father has promised victory, and He doesn't lie! There's a song by Matthew West that puts it nicely:

Mended

How many times can one heart break?
It was never supposed to be this way
Look in the mirror, but you find someone
You never thought you'd be

Oh, but I can still recognize
The one I love in your tear stained eyes
I know you might not see it now
So lift your eyes to me

When you see broken beyond repair
I see healing beyond belief
When you see too far gone
I see one step away from home
You see nothing but damaged goods
I see something good in the making
I'm not finished yet
When you see wounded, I see mended

You see your worst mistake
But I see the price I paid
There's nothing you could ever do
To lose what grace has won

So hold on, it's not the end
This is where love's work begins
I'm making all things new
And I will make a miracle of you

I see my child, My beloved
The new creation you're becoming
You see the scars from when you fell
But I see the stories they will tell
You see worthless, but I see priceless
You see pain, but I see a purpose
You see unworthy, undeserving
But I see you through eyes of mercy

Ya know, there may be many things that trouble me, conundrums as I call them, mixed feelings and crazy thoughts that boggle the imagination or lack thereof of people, but my Constant is my faith in my Abba Father. He's the real deal.

Election is Tuesday, my mother's birthday, and I plan to honor her memory and my Abba Father by voting for the one I feel tries to honor God. Whoever that is, that one will need the prayers, not the criticism of God's family of believers. True believers who bend their knees in prayer before they dare to utter a word against anyone. We all fail miserably short, but we keep trying by our great example of Jesus, the true unoffendable one who has sacrificed everything!

Many times I get criticized or misunderstood, because I miss church. I love my church, and I support it, yet at times I need more than any human institution can provide. My spirit longs for much more of the presence of God that I have never felt within the walls of a church. I need God's great dance floor where I can come alive and worship Him freely, without concern of offending some stuffed shirt who thinks you have to kneel to pray or bow to a picture of Jesus on a wall. No, my Jesus is alive and real! And, He loves to dance like David did...kick up His heels to dance the River Dance or enjoy the rhythms and beats of my Africa that I love! And I know He worships His Father with the sounds of Hillsong United, even though they're dressed in everyday clothes, have dreadlocks, and some are overweight though with wonderfully deep and robust vocal cords. Spirits alive! I come alive! I am alive! Even when I am having my worse chemical imbalances, migraines, or whatever satan tries to throw my way, I am alive with the music, the heavenly music heals and restores. It's magic! It's heaven! It's Jesus!

So as we ready ourselves in prayer, thought for the great election day, perhaps the lyrics of Lauren Daigle's song Comes Alive will rattle a few bones:

Comes Alive (Dry Bones)

Through the eyes of men it seems there's so much we have lost
As we look down the road where all the Prodigals have walked
One by one the enemy has whispered lies then led them off as slaves

But we know that you are God, Yours is the victory
We know there is more to come that we may not yet see
So with the faith You've given us we'll step into the valley unafraid

(chorus)
As we call out to dry bones come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes, let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive

God of endless mercy, God of unrelenting love
Rescue every daughter, bring us back the wayward sons
By Your Spirit breathe upon them, show the world that You alone can save
You alone can save

(chorus)
As we call out to dry bones come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes, let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive

So breathe, Oh breath of God now
Breathe, Oh breath of God
Breathe, Oh breath of God now breathe
Breathe, Oh breath of God now breathe
Oh breath of God
Breathe, Oh breath of God now breathe

(chorus)
As we call out to dry bones come alive, come alive
We call out to dead hearts come alive, come alive
Up out of the ashes, let us see an army rise
We call out to dry bones come alive
We call out to dry bones come alive

Oh come alive

Darkness Yields Light

My library is small, but the literature that lines the shelves of the simple handmade rack are filled with wisdom and purpose. All have become friends, and many times they are revisited, as they bring a certain message that bears repeating. Joshua by Joseph F. Girzone still remains open as I continue to drink in the presence of Jesus. It is as if I am walking with Him past the pages into the fields and meadows that surround his quiet habitat. Since last I spoke of Joshua's visit to the city of Auburn he is finding himself in a pickle due to his passionately shared beliefs. He's walked this way before, so he is well aware of those who seek him harm, but he remains dauntless.

After attending a Friday meeting at the synagogue the crowds gather around Joshua. An angry man approaches him in spewing hatred and accusations at Joshua for his part as a Christian in persecuting his people, the Jews, and killing them in concentration camps during the time of Hitler. He had never met Joshua prior to this night, so he did not yet have a hint as to his true identify. Joshua's response to his anger teaches much:

"Joshua pitied the man's tortured spirit and felt it would be cruel to counter him. Then, 

impulsively, to the man's utter disbelief, Joshua put his arms around him and hugged him 

intensely, asking him for forgiveness for all the meanness his people had done to his 

family and all other Jews throughout the centuries. The man was overcome by the 

sincerity of Joshua's  compassion that he broke down, threw his arms around Joshua, and 

cried like a baby. In a moment all the bitterness and rage had left his troubled spirit, and 

his body went limp with the release of years of pent-up hatred and sickness."

The man, released from his anger and torment goes into the sanctuary with Joshua where they worship together. Hearing Joshua's perfect Hebrew the man begins to realize that the man he encountered is no ordinary man. 

Although this is only one of the books in the Joshua series written by Girzone, this is the one I have enjoyed the most, because it is a first encounter the people have with Joshua. It always makes me wonder if ,as we are told we may be entertaining angels, could possibly be encountering Jesus in our world today. As I was talking with Jesus I asked Him if He's been walking the streets of the city mingling with man as the book relates. Barely had the words brushed past my lips when I realized the encounter I had with a man called Cristeo. This man gave me a message, then disappeared, and this is not the first chance meeting or phone call I have received in my lifetime. It reassures me that God is very much concerned about each aspect of my life. I know He exists, because I have made mention countless times of sitting in His lap, listening and learning...being comforted by His presence. These are special times in my day, and I cherish the conversations.

This morning I elected to listen to a trusted friend's message, "Walking with God Through the Dark Times" by Charles Stanley, a Georgia pastor who has had his struggle with darkness. In the study Dr. Stanley gives six principles as seen through the life of Joseph that assure us of God's presence.

1) God is with us in our dark times. (Hebrews 13:5)

2) God has a purpose for allowing these times of darkness. (Genesis 45: 7-8, Romans 8:28)

3) The darkness will last as long as is necessary for God to accomplish His purpose. (Genesis 37 - 50)

4)We learn more in the dark than we learn in the light. (The witness is our testimony.)

5) Even in the dark times we are walking towards the light when our focus stays on Jesus. ("Trust Me.")

6) What we learn in the darkness we share in the light. (Matthew 10:27)

Great principles that I hope you look up, ponder, and talk to Jesus about for yourself. I also encourage you to listen to the message. There's always a reason God does what He does, and it is never to punish anyone. He wants our best...always!

 It is only by walking through dark times that we can truly relate to another who may be struggling and need encouragement or release from a situation that has embittered and tormented his soul. We cross paths with hurting people every day, and it is our obligation to share the reason of hope that is within us with everyone who asks. If I can share a glimmer of the hope I have in trusting Jesus with a suffering soul I want to do it, because it's the most precious gift I have...hope!

Saturday, 10.29.16

 

Disparities in my life create unceasing turmoil, yet at the same time I feel an underlying sense of calm. I have described my life as a conundrum, and trying to understand the complexities is mind-blowing. Yesterday while listening to a brief news spot on KLOVE one of the reporters disclosed interesting research information relating to the differences in how the brain of man and a woman function. It seems women were found to be more complicated than men. This is not a surprise as I often debate with the Lord regarding the scriptures relating the strength of men, because clearly He must be describing physical or brute strength. Sorry, guys but research is a trustworthy reference, and although you probably won't admit it, this is true. But, we won't debate.

The beginning of the week was a mix of struggles and hope. Tuesday a friend told me that her daughter wanted to know when she could bring her children over to my house. This brought back memories of little children asking their mother if they could go to Linda's house and play. I imagine this is God's way of reminding me that I still do serve a purpose in encouraging children. On the flip side is the sadness I feel in remembering that my grandchildren used to come to my house when they were young, but now I never see them. I also have great-grandchildren whom I have yet to meet. This had been my hope for this year, but it never seemed to work out. Somehow, I wonder, am I to find peace in the fact that I may never know them? Perhaps this is why God in His mercy and great love  allows friends to share their young ones with me. Still my heart aches.

Jesus loved little children. This is evident in Matthew 19:14, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." This gives me pause to reflect on my life and the little ones who have been part of my life and ministry. It also makes me remember my children's exposure to my "childish" imagination and sense of wonder that continues to follow my way of thinking. Perhaps being damaged as a child I somehow knew a way to shelter and protect them. Memories can be horrifying, but others provide healing and closure, and I believe this is why I am being allowed to remember. It also opens doors for helping others get through some pretty touch places. Empathy and understanding accomplish more, but listening works so much better. Being damaged has its merits. I feel encouraged and strengthened somehow, and I want to share this discovery with other who are going through their dark places.

Last night I received a call from my daughter who has struggled the majority of her life with illness and pain. Her emotional and mental distress are unending, yet spiritually she continues to place her hope and trust in Jesus. I must believe her stand will pay off in the end, as I want to see her happily living a quality life. Her present challenges reach so much more deeply than my broken heart can go, and the mental perplexity of the situation is beyond any human reasoning. But God knows, He hears, and He responds, even when cries for help fall on deaf ears and hardened hearts. In spite of trials we laughed over silly things, and again, I wondered about my childish ways of bringing relief to her sad and lonely heart. At least the memories made us laugh, then laugh some more. Sometimes I think we must have multiple personalities, but I can only pray I gave them the best part of who I am and the One I love. I know this is what keeps my sons and daughter strong and unyielding to defeat. The enemy has tried to take their lives more than once, but thankfully, his lies and deception did not win. I praise God for those victories!

Today I have errands to run, and to be honest, I have little strength of heart to leave this house. I would much prefer to sit in Jesus' lap all day and listen. But life awaits outside my doors, and I must be about my Father's work, because every day is mission if we see it as such. A day to bring Him glory, even in our times of darkness, we can choose to follow the light.

Simply Stated

Recently I shipped my son in Virginia a box of extra-hot green chili for his roasting and eating pleasure. There is absolutely no smell on earth that equals the aroma of freshly roasted green chili! I decided to keep about six pods for myself and roast them in the frying pan. That went well except for a slight incident after not washing my hands well and experiencing the great "warming effect" green chili has when it comes in contact with the body, but we will not go there! This morning seemed a good time to put the chili in some potatoes I was frying in a little olive oil for breakfast. Very shortly I realized that indeed the green chili was not just extra-hot, but overly hot, and the mere cooking made me go into coughing spasms for several hours. My son was so excited over the news of learning there would be pain associated with the hotness of the chili that he was beside himself. Some like it hot! To each his own! I am still coughing sporadically from the adventure.

Yesterday in the late afternoon I decided to take in a movie, so I hopped into my car and headed to the theater. I decided to view Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children directed by Tim Burton, and I must say it was an afternoon well spent in the conundrum of his mind. The story is about a place of safety for these "peculiar children," or as I use the term lovingly "misfits," and of course there always has to be someone seeking to destroy, the villain. So enters the Samuel L Jackson character and his less than desirable emissaries. Actually, that part was extremely entertaining owing to the ridiculousness of it all. Still I enjoyed it so much that it will eventually find a "home" with me once released. As I was driving home thinking over the idea of the movie it gave me an idea for a story of my own. Good movies from great imaginations often kick off my writer's block. I recently told a friend that I get way more from fiction these days than I do from non-fiction. Generally the fiction comes from a place of great thought, whereas non-fiction writers seem to be saying the same thing over and over again, and nothing much seems to come of it. Good teaching, yet often times it is like the parable of the sower and the seed. You can research and think that one up for yourself if you are so inclined.

When I am struggling I much prefer to pick up a good "friend" from my book shelf these days. Ones that provoke thought.  I really need to hear God's voice and rest in His arms, so I pulled Joshua by Joseph F Girzone off the shelf and settled in my lavender bath to read this "parable for today," as Girzone states on the front cover. Joshua is a simple, but handsome, young man who shows up in the town of Auburn and changes the people's view of life and religion in particular. He, like Jesus whom he actually is in the book, answers questions people are led to ask after being in his unassuming company, after observing his simple, yet honest ways, and realizing he's not one to chase after wealth, prestige, or places of honor. He lives a simple life, has one set of clothing, earns money by making or repairing simple items, and loves the poor people of the area. He feels free to attend any church who pays honor and glory to his Father, and speaks with such an understanding of who God is, as if he really knew Him. In one instance Joshua is being driven home from the synagogue by one of men of the church, Aaron, who has lived with prestige and affluence all of his life, yet without finding true meaning. In listening to Joshua speak as they are driving along, Aaron asks Joshua,

     "...how did you become the way your are? Who taught you all the things you believe in?"

     "Why do you ask?"Joshua questioned curiously.

     "Because I can't understand how anyone could develop the vision of life that you have. It is so foreign to my way of thinking, and so different from the thinking of everybody I know."

     "I experience what I believe, Aaron, so I know that what I believe is true."

     "What do you mean, you experience it? How come I don't experience it?"

     "Each person looks at life through a different vision. Three men can look at a tree. One man will see so many board feet of valuable lumber worth so much money. The second man will see it as so much firewood to be burned, to keep his family warm in the winter. The third man will see it as a masterpiece of God's creative art, given to man as an expression of God's love and enduring strength, with a value far beyond its worth in money or firewood. What we live for determines what we see in life and gives clear focus to our inner vision."

The interesting part of this reading is the last line that I placed in italics. This is the first time I have actually seen or heard the wisdom of these words, and I have read this book way over a dozen times. I really believe God was confirming things in my life, as is His way, especially when I am into the mire and muck of daily life being sucked dry, spiritually speaking and otherwise.

So many people talk about events or news without really realizing what they are saying or without actually understanding the far reaching effects of what this information is saying or projecting. Point in case...the elections. Franklin Graham has been going all over the United States visiting and holding rallies in each State capital for one reason...to get people to pray and vote their conscience. He encourages people to becomes involved in government so Christians will truly have a say in the laws, policies and decision-making efforts. But how many people actually attended a rally or prayed for Franklin's journey this year? We are quick to post on Facebook and other social media a quotation we like from a leader or one we don't. We have our own little personal rallies about what we think or feel without taking the time to pray for those running, making decisions, or anything. Then we cry when someone is voted into office. We fail to see or listen much of the time.

During the election process with all the cat fighting going on between the Presidential candidates and the response of people's personal views many have failed to see what is happening behind the scenes. While the debates are keeping everyone up in arms, glued to the television, the President is busy at work trying to gain all the control he can before his term ends. I am part of the Presidential Prayer Team that is devoted to praying for the government and world, so I get the inside scoop, so to speak. Check out what is happening with zoning reforms that will inevitably allow the government to control levels of local State government. The exact words I read were, "...President Obama seems bent on extending his control...." The word "bent" is nicely put.

I heard on the radio this week (KLOVE) that the Smithsonian Institute is trying to raise $300,000 by mid-November for the restoration of the red ruby slippers Dorothy wore in the Wizard of Oz, because they have lacked their luster, dulling over these years. Call me biased but I can think of better ways to spend my money.

In my Prayer Alert for this week I was reading that the federal government spent $700,000 on a  study to determine whether astronaut Neil Armstrong's famous quote as the first man on the moon was transcribed accurately. The findings were inconclusive. Are you understanding what I am trying to say?!Or to quote a dear friend, "Words escape me!"

I know I am intense in the way I speak, the way I see things, but I am trying to see, speak, and communicate as Jesus would have me do. Our minds are full of garbage, and social media isn't helping. It diverts the focus away from the important things. After the elections everyone will be rushing around focusing on what new "toy" is available for Christmas, and I don't have anything to say about that, except Christmas should be celebrated each day. I love giving gifts at Christmas, but I much more prefer giving them every day. Jesus is right here. His wisdom is there for the asking. His lap is quite comfortable, and His wit remains just as sharp and poetic as the days He walked this earth. Actually, I feel He truly is right beside me every day.

The only help for our nation and world, for our lives and families, for our schools and businesses, and for our churches is the Lord Jesus Christ. It's not rocket science!

Tears and Silent Screams

I'm having a bad day. It's Wednesday, my day off when I am supposed to be enjoying a break from the stress of work.  The sun is shining brightly, the wind died down from yesterday, and it's a beautiful autumn day, my favorite season of the year. And yet...!

These feelings began to slowly creep into my life about three weeks ago, but no one sees the sadness behind the laughter and enthusiasm when I'm playing "the game" each day. I should have chosen comedy or acting as my career, as I surely can hide behind a lie. I used to tell myself that I wasn't a depressed person, I was always so happy as I bounced through each day. I was always busy doing something for everyone else, concerned only that my family had what they needed., or trying to cheer someone else up who was feeling down and discouraged in life. I can quote scripture better than a preacher. I should be able to spout it off, because I memorized it when I was young, and I have trusted in the words my entire life holding onto my faith even when I saw no evidence of anything changing. I still do that. I try to hang on, but the truth is I am going through one of the hardest trials of my life. It's not one thing, it is several coming all at once at record speed. So when I don't have structure in my day I fall apart easily. It only takes one small thing to trigger it, and I am a helpless mess.

So what can I do to "help myself" on these melt down days? I have to chuckle as this is the same crap I ask my clients. Senseless, irrelevant questions that signify nothing! Who comes up with this stuff anyway?! Plus as I said before I know the scriptures. I can read them, acknowledge the truth, but really sometimes it's not what I need. I think the best thing for me when the intensity of my feelings try to crush the life out of me sending me spiraling downwards into the black abyss is to hop into my car with my bike strapped on and get as far away from everyone as I possibly can go in a day. The noise emotionally, mentally, and even spiritually is deafening, and I realize that what I need is only the sound of the still, small voice heard softly in spite of the tormenting sounds around me. Some music soothes, but I need His voice. So in spite of the external and internal voices or this shrill shrieking noise I hear continuously in my ear piercing my brain I can find peace...alone...with Him.

Some information was shared with me yesterday, actually several bits of information including e-mails, that I really did not need to finish me off. The family information was so distressing as it involved abuse to a young child - my young child at the time - another secret that I just couldn't cope with, the agonizing question of "Why didn't I know this happened?" And the obvious response still does not remove the horror of yet another encounter with evil and the struggle to overcome. I fully understand why children do not tell, as I did not tell. Besides which if you tell you may be called a liar to protect the pervert who attacks the innocent one. To learn that someone had been told, but in fact was called a liar, consequently I was not told, does not help. It makes it worse. It makes me angry all over again, and I try so hard not to be angry. I feel as if I failed at the most important job I will ever have - motherhood. And in my mind I hear the words over and over spoken to me..."You don't know what I've done." I have tried to interpret the meaning of those words spoken to me in my adult life by another so many times, or to understand why a message written on the back of a letter I penned, written in a handwriting I know but cannot remember, had a message "Keep this to remember me." There are so many things I have blocked out, and suddenly I am remembering or finding out. It is tormenting, and yet I cling to the only hope I have...Jesus.

I bought a movie a few weeks ago called "The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel." It is an excellent expose of the lives of senior adults trying to rekindle their lives when everyone thinks their lives are over after a certain age. Oh how I fight that mentality each day of my life dealing with the precious people I encounter on a daily basis. Age should not be a detriment to enjoying and living life to the fullest. Regardless of whether you are healthy or not. I can say that, because I am living my life in spite of everything that tries to knock me down or tempt me to take a gun and blow my brains out. Even the more subtle attack by satan to have me fall asleep at the wheel in my travels. It hasn't worked, because I am grasping hold to Jesus even if it is finger tip to finger tip, and I am hanging over the edge of a crevice. He holds me and bears me up physically and spiritually.

In the movie one of the characters, Evelyn, writes a daily blog. Sound familiar? She wrote on Day 51 that "The only real failure is the failure to try. And the measure of success is how we cope with disappointments, as we always must. We do our best, nothing else matters." The events of each person's life in the movies was being challenged in one shape or form, yet in each instance life continued and was strengthened by the resolve.

I don't know why I am sharing all of this, as I will more than likely be quoted scripture by the well-meaning saint or the opposite effect of condemnation. No me importa. It has to be so in order to develop a thicker hide (so to speak spiritually) or to walk more closely with Jesus. I shouldn't care what anyone thinks or says really. I've certainly weathered several of those storms. I am honest about who I am and that I struggle with some pretty serious stuff. There is no shame in that, and who knows it may help someone else who is struggling yet is afraid to dare speak. I am brave enough to say it for all of us, and we will succeed, and we are not failures. We will "cope with disappointments, as we always must."

Eyes on Him

As I was praying this morning, meditating on the words written by Luke the physician I was overwhelmed by the simplicity of two statements. The first found in Chapter 1:37 when the angel of the Lord recounts to Mary that Elizabeth is pregnant in her old age, and he says: "For the word of God will never fail," and secondly when Elizabeth says to Mary in verse 45 of the same chapter, "You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said." In two instances in the reading this morning it is said that Mary pondered the things she heard and kept them in her heart. Two women deeply humbled by the mere thought they they were chosen for such a high privilege of service. Elizabeth to give birth to John the forerunner of the Messiah, and Mary, the mother of the Messiah, the Savior of all men. Imagine it. And yet He has called each of us in one capacity or another to fulfill a place in the kingdom. The cost is humility, obedience, service, and trust. It also requires courage, because we will always encounter those who do not understand, as did Mary and Elizabeth, but just as they did we simply respond in humble submission and trust.

Considering my own set of circumstances, I once more asked Abba for his direction, His desire for my life. I honestly don't know what I will be doing one day to the next, because I have purposed only to be obedient to each day's call. Because I am working I naturally have schedules and tasks for each day, but other than that I must say my plans for the future rest solely in God's hands. I am at a place of shattered dreams and death to vision, and this allows me to wait expectantly for what is to come - the better things. Too much of my life has been spent in striving with God. I never intended on being disobedient or focused on what I wanted, but I fell into the snares of the enemy, because of my loneliness and desires to be wanted and loved. My desires to be "worth something" in someone's eyes. This is the way life becomes, because we are infinitely human, so we look elsewhere, anywhere, except into the eyes of our loving Father. So, as I am learning to clearly see, I am content to wait, because I know the answers will come.

The company for which I work sets performance goals for us to achieve each year as part of our annual evaluation. One of the goals includes additional opportunties, so we were given a list of webinars we could listen to for credit towards the fulfillment of this goal. Seems easy enough, but in attempting to assess the training we encountered many problems. So I took it upon myself to figure out the problem, and through a series of trials and mistrials, working with the developer of this program and IT,  I finally managed to attend and receive credit for several of these training sessions. Some of the courses were presented by a group of researchers with the aim of creating equality in the workplace by setting goals and ways to measure progress. One in particular I found very interesting and potentially very useful for leaders, as these webinars were designed for leaders and managers.

The training was geared towards helping managers train their employees not only in the job they were in at the present but to look beyond at the qualities they displayed for future opportunities. Typically when a worker is hired for a particular position he or she is provided with the training to accomplish the work. They are then mentored, hopefully, by those who are already trained and successfully completing their roles with the intention of helping the new trainee became acclimated to the requirements and in turn to be released into the role on their own. Naturally, people learn differently, using the senses of sight, hearing, and touch, and the skills to each are gifted, so people learn at different paces, and some not as quickly as others. This is where patience comes into play. A good leader will not only be able to sense and anticipate these challenges but will work earnestly in resolving any hindrances in the learning process in order for the employee to become successful in achieving the requirements of the position. Often there are those who simply do not "fit" for the position, but a good leader can anticipate this early on, and quite possibly be able to creatively suggest another avenue. Think about it, if after going through an often arduous process of interviews by several examiners and inquisitors in order to be offered the position in the first place, and after spending a great deal of time and money to training this employee initially before they even encounter the first day of the actual job for which they were hired, why would a company want to lose someone who possibly may be better suited to another role within the company? Makes sense...dollar and cents sense as well as the human component of engaging a talented person in using their unique skills set in serving the needs of the company. But this requires insight.

So basically the concept, which is really common sense, because I've done this in my role as an underling, is to see beyond the scope of the present job to the future goals or ambitions of each employee. In the interview process the potential employees are asked where they see themselves in five years or more, and the question generally relates to within the hiring company. Again, if one responds to that question in honesty, as someone I know, eventually an astute inquisitor will take notice of the integrity of the response, and quite possibly doors will open to that employee unexpectedly. After all interviews are talent searches for engaging and empowering future leaders. It's a game, and as you know, I am fond of games.

On the flip side, when the employee has been hired, trained, but lacks the skills to succeed at the present job, a good manager will work to discover and resolve any difficulties that one is having in meeting goals. But more than that needs to take place in leadership in each employee, and that requires ingenuity and the ability to see beyond the scope of the present position to the unique gifts observed by said leader while communicating with and observing this individual, taking the time to ask and communicate ideas regarding what you feel about the abilities of this person, then taking the step beyond the present role as manager to engage the person into setting steps towards the future goal or dream for the future. Even if the goals involve engagement outside of the company, and the future dream employment elsewhere. These are the qualities of a good leader. Someone who walks beside, who encourages, interacts, and who engages.

As I was reading and praying I thought about this training and how these same qualities of leadership are the qualities of Jesus. The crowds followed Him just to hear Him speak, feel His love and kindness, his compassion for their needs. He saw the battered souls, the deepest darkest needs, and He healed them physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, every need met. As a teacher to his disciples He was patient, and He demonstrated in His actions the humility a leader needs if he is to serve others. In His humility Jesus washed the disciple's feet, and in His example, His ultimate sacrifice in service, he laid down His life for the needs of another.  To save our souls, He gave His own life as an atonement for ours.

And so it should be for each of us regardless of the role we play in life - father, mother, child, teacher, student, employer, employee, local, State, or world government...President of the United States. With the latter, I really have to look beyond the initial impression I receive when considering those who vie for this highest position of government, the one who will appoint Supreme Court Justices to settle our disputes as a nation. And to do so I need to look within myself, to my character and consider unique qualities of a true leader, a servant of the people, a defender of the cause of righteousness on which our nation was established. And I need above all to humble myself, ask God to forgive my sins of omission for not considering His qualities as those of a true leader of the people, and humbly ask Him to direct my heart in seeing deeply into the heart of the person when I vote for President and other positions of leadership in our nation and locally. We are all leaders in one way, shape, or form, and it is time to take our positions seriously. As children desire boundaries, someone to teach them the right ways, so we need Godly men and women to shape the future of the nation and our world.

When I began to write this blog I had no intentions of writing this final part, but I feel God wanted it this way. As for myself I choose to look beyond the fiery words spoken defensively or otherwise into the heart of the man or a  running for an office, and ask God to show me the true servant qualities of the person who would fill the role of servant of the people, then vote according to what my heart, not my head tells me. We all say and do things, and words spoken cannot be retracted, but in His love, in His mercy, and by His grace God has forgiven each of us regardless of the sin in word or deed. I want to always be cognizant of that fact that I am a sinner saved by grace and not judge another. I want to follow the leadership example of Jesus Christ in obedience to my Father in all things.

Becoming All His

"Dear Children, keep away from anything

that might take God's place in your heart."

1 John 5:21

"Those who find their sense of security in Christ

are not easily shaken by circumstances

or other people's opinion of them."

I love my Bible! Each year I re-read my Bible, and each year the Lord opens up new bits of wisdom and understanding. That's the way it should be. For the past two years I have been using The Daily Walk Bible for my daily devotional time. I cannot face a day without grabbing hold to a word from the Lord. Sometimes it seems like He's sleeping in, as I don't always feel His presence with me. I don't blame Him as 5 am is a pretty early start of the day, especially with New Mexico winter approaching. But then, God never sleeps! And although I may not feel His presence, I know He is right here with me. He never leaves me, even when I am sleeping.

In the book of Mark Jesus has such compassion on the crowds of people who are following hot in pursuit desiring to see more miracles and to listen to Him speak. All they want is to spend more time with Him. Imagine what that must be like! To walk with Him, talk with Him, see His beautiful face, His lovely smile, sincere eyes, and experience His love firsthand. In the discussion this morning the writer mentions that whereas Jesus healed two blind men on two separate occasions, He used different methods to heal. In questioning why this may be he responds so: "Most likely it was because Jesus' methods were often tailor-made to the individual's needs." Good answer! He has made us each intricately woven together from the beginning of our time, from our inception, and even so before that!

The writer wants us to understand that as this is Jesus' way with healing so it is with spiritual lessons as well. With each miracle Jesus performed even His own disciples failed to understand what they were experiencing first hand. Jesus told them that He used parables for this reason, but Jesus always explained. Still the disciples did not see. We still do not see.

This morning I took a chance, a huge risk of making a member of my family angry by mentioning my faith in God. I was told there no solutions to a certain problems, but I know better. How anyone cannot look at their lives and see the miracle of life all around us. I see miracles in my life every day, and I am trying to testify as often as I can as to how great our God truly is! Sometimes it takes the blind to see and the deaf to hear and the lame to walk. I am not talking in the physical sense. I have been all those things in my life physically, emotionally, spiritually, as have we all. I am just not afraid to admit that I have sinned and fallen VERY short of the glory of God. No one arrives. We are all in the process of becoming.... 

I began my walk with Jesus as a child reading from the King James Version of the Bible. I still love those words, as it is the version I memorized and still hold in my heart. All the "thees" and "thous" never confused me, because Jesus was right there translating the words to the heart of a child. I still have the heart of a child, and I hope I always do. I have put off childish things as we are instructed to do in order to go from the milk of the word to the bread, but there is so much still to learn. Just as in life we learn something new every day, although we are so busy we seldom identify it. I am so tired of being pulled down by the weight of the world that I fail to see the blessings. That is the way the world has become, and those who profess to follow Christ in this age fail to see that we are succumbing to the pressures. The only solution to our problems is Jesus. 

I told a co-worker just yesterday that it is a wonderful feeling to be full retirement age, knowing that if I choose I can simply leave my job. It is a new-found freedom I feel, and it is as if the stress of the work doesn't have an effect on me any longer. Nor do attempts made by others to ensnare me or manipulate me have a stronghold on my life. I am becoming...His. All His. And the idols of the world are not a temptation to me. I look around me, and I see memories filling each room. Nothing of great earthly value, but people who visit me feel comfortable, peaceful, and entertained when they walk through the doors. My Christmas tree of memories gets many inquiries, as do the many stuffed friends who greet my guests and who have to be cautiously moved aside to allow one to be seated. My Bible studies always begin with laughter over some inane thing or another. But I don't mind, because it who I am...uniquely His and very much still a child at heart despite my 66 years of age. I can still climb a tree or hang upside down from "monkey bars" with the best of them. I am ageless and dauntless in my life and in my walk with Jesus. Truth is He still carries me at times, but we also walk hand in hand together by the troubled seas and along the thorny paths. My journey is just beginning.

Journal Entry 10.2.16 - 10.9.16

"Hear my prayer, O Lord; listen to my plea!

Answer me because You are faithful and righteous.

I am losing all hope; I am paralyzed with fear. I remember

the days of old. I ponder all Your great works. I think

about what You have done. I reach out for You. I thirst for 

You as parched land thirsts for rain. Come quickly, Lord, and answer me, 

for my depression deepens. Don't turn away from me, or I will die. Let 

me hear of Your unfailing love to me in the morning, for I am trusting You. 

Show me where to walk, for I have come to You in prayer....Teach me to 

do Your will, for You are my God. May Your gracious Spirit lead

me forward on a firm footing. For the glory of Your

name. O Lord, save me. In Your righteousness, 

bring me out of this distress."

Psalm 143:1-12 NLT

This evening as I sank to my knees in prayer, overwhelmed by the thoughts pressing on my brain causing me to hurl once more into the depths of regret and shame, I glanced looked down at an email a friend sent me on March 15, 2011 of a list of scriptures she was praying for me. The above prayer from Psalm 143 was included in that email. As I cried out to the Lord my eyes fell upon this portion of scripture, and I wept aloud as I read it as my prayer.

I'm not certain how this downward spiral began, or what triggered the memories once more , but it began yesterday afternoon after church. The service was wonderful, the lesson well expressed, yet I went away feeling inadequate and insignificant. My life has been broken on so many levels, and there are times when I cannot salvage even one small spark of enthusiasm for the life I am living. I cannot explain it, because it is impossible for anyone to understand something I don't even understand myself. Maybe this is why the only one with whom I truly feel at ease in discussing my feelings is Jesus. He knows all about my feelings, as He's encountered every obstacle, been through every fire and flood, and He's been betrayed, discouraged, and alone. All the things I am feeling. It's not the first time, and I know I will have to face more demons as I follow His leading. Sometimes the loss is too much to bear, but then Jesus knows those feelings as well. There is a cost to discipleship.

As the year quickly progresses and the end of 2016 is a few short months away, my plans seems so unreasonable, and I wonder whose voice I heard when I made this decision. Doubts flood in once more, and confusion sets in. Why is it so hard to just let go and trust?! Why do I allow myself to get to this place of uncertainty. The voices are deafening, and peace is so hard to find.

I was reading an article from (in courage) a blog I follow called "How We Can Beat the Lies," that describes feelings of not being "smart enough," feelings of not being "good enough," or feelings of inadequacy. These are lies we listen to that tempt to distract us from the work God is actually accomplishing in and through us. Of course satan wants to discourage us any way he can, and his attacks are on the verge of a miracle happening in your life or the life of someone for whom you are standing in prayer. We are warriors, stalwart in our faith, and he doesn't like that. We get in his way, so he fights back with a vengeance. That's just the way he is. But guess what! God is greater, and He has all things concerning us under control. No need to fear. That's the way HE is.

So whose voice will I follow? God's, naturally, because He's my true deliverer. But it's more than just making a statement about a situation. It's a life choice, a way of life, a way of meeting each obstacle, every decision that smacks us in the face at the times when we are the most vulnerable to criticism. For me it gets easier if I just stop, consider, and rest. But even then the peace and rest do not come easily. My life has always been a tug-of-war, but that's okay. I am assured of His Ever Presence in my life, especially when I do not sense it. I don't go by what I see or feel tangibly speaking, although that would be nice. Rather, I go by what I know about His character, especially when it concerns me. As I've said before, He is tested, tried, and true.

All of the above thoughts were written last Sunday. Monday brought a new set of adventures as I realized my brain still was not healed from injuries in March. It is so disconcerting to get lost in an area you lived in for ten years, a blink of a town that I pedaled numerous times on my bike. But just in a wink of time my memory blanked, and I didn't know which way to go as I was headed out of town. I find this happens when a memory is triggered, but who really knows until it happens to you.
Fortunately I am me again, so yesterday when I was maneuvering the side streets of Santa Fe, another city I know well, I was able to find my way without confusion. I feel like a fighter whose had one too many blows to the head. Today I am battling "the headache," but at this moment only pressure and the "noises" remain. Life has its spins.

Many things are filtering through my brain today, but thankfully I can focus on doing what I need to do. Sundays are dedicated to listening and reflecting as I crawl into the arms of my Lord. He doesn't require anything of me except trust. So on the eve of another work week I can rest knowing that whatever comes my way this week, He's already on top of it, and I don't need to strive. As I'm writing these words I hear a song playing fainting in the background:

King Of The World 

by Natalie Grant

I try to fit You in the walls inside my mind
I try to keep You safely in between the lines
I try to put You in the box that I've designed
I try to pull You down so we are eye to eye

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

Just a whisper of Your voice can tame the seas
So who am I to try to take the lead?
Still I run ahead and think I'm strong enough
When You're the one who made me from the dust

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

You set it all in motion
Every single moment
You brought it all to be
And You're holding on to me

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

You will always be the King of the world
But even if You don't I pray

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

Help me want the Healer
More than the healing
Help me want the Savior
More than the saving
Help me want the Giver
More than the giving
Oh help me want You, Jesus
More than anything

You know more than anyone that my flesh is weak
And You know I'd give anything for a remedy
And I'll ask You a thousand more times to set me free today
But even if You don't I pray

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

When I am desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done
When I am desperate and my heart's overcome
All that I need, You've already done

(chorus)
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world
I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the world
How could I make You so small
When You're the one who holds it all
When did I forget that You've always been the King of the world

Thanks for the reminder!

 

All Creation Groans

"When times are tough and the future is uncertain, 

it's always safe to trust the Lord."

The Daily Walk Bible

As I was reading my Bible this morning my mind strayed to a similar period in my life when the words "But when He saw the multitudes, He was moved by compassion for them, because they were faint and were scattered abroad, as sheep having no shepherd." (Matthew 9:36) Our nation is certainly in a place of instability as we face an uncertain future, especially considering the chaos our world is in at this time. My heart aches, yet I know in Whom I place my trust.

In yesterday's "My Daily Walk" discussion this question was posed: "'Does God have limitations?' A seminary student posed the problem to his professor: 'Can God make a rock so big that he cannot pick it up?' To which the teacher wisely responded, 'Yes...and then he would pick it up anyway.'" The commentator goes on to share this profound  truth: "God is infinite, all-powerful, all-knowing, almighty. But he does have limitations: He cannot act contrary to his promises; he will never contradict his written Word; and he will not ignore the consequences of our personal choices."

As I was reading these words my mind drifted to the consequences I have had to face for my poor choices. Nowhere in the scriptures is this truth as evident as when King David was faced with consequences to his actions on more than one occasion. And yet, God called David "the apple of His eye." That is my desire...to be so loved by God, and yet I know I am, as we all are. The commentator adds: "This explains why Jesus, the fulfillment of prophecy, God's only Son, could be rejected by Israel. God would not force the nation to accept him if it chose instead to reject him. But though the people were free to make the choice, they were powerless to escape the consequences of that choice."

In short, we will all reap what we sow. (Galatians 6:7)

For me, I battle daily with memories and loneliness, yet in the stead of this battle I have reassurance of God's love and compassion in my fellowship with the Lord. If we are honest, we all have things in our lives we regret. This is the way life is, but through failure comes success. It is the way we learn. It is how our characters are shaped, tested, tried, and hopefully proven true. While I wish things could have turned out differently, I can smile because God has refined me in these fires and storms, and He is shaping me into the woman of God I desire to become, as we are always in that place of becoming...real. I have a fondness for the story The Velveteen Rabbit where the rabbit has the conversation with the Skin Horse about being real. I have quoted it before, but I do so again for relevance:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they

were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before

Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having

things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse.

"It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves

you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but

REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" ask the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always

truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,"

he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse.

"You become. It takes a long time. That's why it

doesn't often happen to people who break easily,

or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully

kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most 

of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop 

out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby.

But these things don't matter at all, because once

you are Real you can't be ugly, except to

people who don't understand."

"I suppose you are Real?" said the Rabbit. And

then he wished he had not said it, for he thought

the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the

Skin Horse only smiled. "The Boy's Uncle made

me Real," he said. "That was a great many years

ago; but once you are Real you can't become

unreal again. It lasts for always."

I always smile when I read that conversation, as I remember the day I read them for my Daddy's eulogy, and I recall seeing my Daddy kneel by the side of the bed in conversation with the One who made him Real. Few knew this about my Daddy, but God in His infinite love and compassion graced me with this understanding, and I will be forever grateful. My Daddy became "Real," as he passed from this life serenely into the next into the arms of the One who made him so.

It also reminds me of Romans 8:22 "...all of creation groans...." Max Lucado in his book God Came Near clearly speaks:

"Man was not created to be separated from his creator; hence

he sighs, longing for home. The creation never intended to be 

inhabited by evil, hence she sighs, yearning for the Garden.

And the conversations with God were never intended to

depend on a translator; hence the Spirit groans on our behalf,

looking to a day when humans will see God face to face."

"Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then

we shall see face to face."

  

1 Corinthians 13:12 

God longs for things to be different, but He is a God of His word. He will not force the issue. But throughout scripture we see clearly cause and effect in play. In the book of Haggai the prophet exhorts the people to rebuild the Temple of God. Zechariah the prophet uses visions, dreams, and messages to encourage or exhort the people likewise. For fourteen years since Cyrus issued the proclamation to rebuild the Temple, "weeds instead of walls were growing from the foundation." The people had misplaced their priority. And so it is today. We devote our time to those things we value the most. Just as the prophets urged God's people to accountability in rebuilding the temple, so we are encouraged to build up our temple.

"Don't you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who 

lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself...."

1 Corinthians 6:19

We have a choice. And if our choice is to be people of God, then we too need to be conscious of the life we are living as we are His emissaries in this crazy, chaotic world. In spite of our failures, in spite of our selfish choices, and our misaligned priorities, we are urged not to be conformed to this world, but to becoming transformed by the renewing of our minds. We have a choice. What will that choice be?