Today

"I need to put up with two or three

caterpillars if I want to get to

know the butterflies."

-Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Each morning I crawl safety into Your lap with my cup of coffee and oatmeal. Occasionally, we opt for pancakes smothered in pure maple syrup with apple-smoked bacon or sausage, but the meal's not important. It's the company.

Last week was a tough one, and this one holds the promise of the same, albeit a shorter week because of Thanksgiving. I find myself getting "stuck" again, but at the same time I become lost in the wonder of Your Presence, and I have a "knowing" that settles me back down and redirects my focus. Still, I'm feeling - alone, and yet I'm surrounded by a sea of people who say I "belong" or who congratulate me on my work, or who thank me for listening and caring...yet!

Holidays are the most difficult to navigate. Will my plans fall short, as usual, because of bad weather or changed attitude? November 30th is another trigger - a reminder of the biggest lie I've been told. Each year I wonder...but my feelings have grown cold, if I ever truly had any. When you're young and damaged what can you know of love? But then, You are love....

I know I need to lay these memories down, trust You to make it beautiful - but I'm struggling again. Will I ever get it right?! And still, when You speak to me, everything becomes okay, and I can cope. Or I can go outside, banter with the neighbor's dogs or see the colors, feel the chill, feel the winter freeze on the horizon as I gaze at the wondrous beauty of the land and mountains. Where heaven smiles down, and I feel warmth envelop me even in the harshest cold. That's You. 

Tomorrow, I'll forget. I'll begin again, unless the weather slows me down. I halfway pray for snow. But then, I have things to do. People depend on me to be at the top of my "game." It's what my life has become. Playing my part. My life changed playing the game, and no one seems to care or bother to see, because I perform well. Regardless of the little signs, everyone seem to miss, but I notice. Twice last week I noticed. And the devastation follows.

I know it'll be okay. I just need to talk about it this morning, before I start all over again tomorrow. Help me with the pain, the sorrow I feel but mostly I want to be functioning at peak performance for the ones who trust me. As they trust me, I trust You more.

So, for today, I'm lost in the wonder of caterpillars and butterflies. Larvae - cocoon - freedom in flight. In the Lord of the Rings the butterfly announces the arrival of the eagles. Once more I am reminded..."Who gets a degree in Biology?" A scientist who never forgets the intricacies of the simple or complex; the artist who lives within the biologist who sees the wonderful design of life as reveled in Psalm 139; the poet and philosopher, the author; the dreamer, and one who laughs and appreciates everything about the marvel of creation and design. No, I'll never lose the wonder.

In The Light between Oceans by M L Stedman,  of character Tom Sherbourne it is said: "There are still more days to travel in this life. And he knows that the man who makes the journey has been shaped by every day and every person along the way. Scars are just another kind of memory." 

As that story comes to an end, I consider Your message to me from Jesus Calling by Sarah Young for today, and I think of the butterfly and the scars of life,

"Think of your life as an adventure, with Me as your Guide and Companion. 

Live in the now, concentrating on staying in step with Me. 

When our path leads to a cliff, be willing to climb it with My help. 

When we come to a resting place, take time to be refreshed in My Presence. 

Enjoy the rhythm of  life lived close to Me.

You already know the ultimate destination of your journey.... So keep

your focus on the path just before you, leaving outcomes up to Me."

My life is as it needs to be...for now!

 

Being Me

I feel incredibly lost at times as I struggle to find closure in my life. It's a Saturday morning, my alarm is set for 8 am wake up, the last day of my adventure in Albuquerque. But, in spite of my highest hopes, this morning is like any other over a period of a year and a half. Explaining to my inquisitors why I cannot sleep, or how I try to sleep, has become as routine as explaining other things in my life I had buried deeply to preserve my sanity. Now unearthed in my memory, I struggle to find peace as I reconcile the chaos of my life and struggle to bring memories to rest. How can I explain what is happening to me? What has been happening to me? What did happen to me? All I can say is it could have been worse, and I am improving. I didn't give up, and I won't give in. No matter what the verdict, no matter what the cost in pain and tears. I have chosen to go on.

This is where I post the image of the painting  "The Scream" by Edvard Munch to express my horror at not being able to rest or find peace after my final, I sincerely pray, inquisition:

This image does not adequately portray present pain or lack of dignity or any of the zillion emotions agonizingly vying for my sanity. I feel so alone at this moment, as I sit in my bed at La Quinta Inn, exhausted from headsets and movies, resulting in little sleep. This is my life, such as it is, but it could be worse. It has been worse, much worse about nine or ten years ago when I still could not sleep. Different life. Different time. Different circumstances.

In spite of what I am saying in this dismal piece of literature, I still say without reserve that I have lived an amazing life. How could I not? I have always had Jesus with me. He's always been my one true constant. He still is, and He's the reason I can still laugh at myself and this silly mess I find myself struggling to overcome. Sure, sure...yeah, yeah! That's the response to the comment I am making inside my brain, the one I don't want to write, because certain people will find offense. You see, I don't want to "hurt" anyone's feelings, but obviously no one thinks I have any. But I hurt too, and I bleed.

Why am I writing this? Because I'm tired, and I'm trying to encourage myself to just get up, take my shower, walk the distance to the office with my "kitchen" in tow (no microwave or refrigerator in my room), so I can fix my "special" breakfast, sit in an empty corner, where I can cozy up with my Source of comfort, my Strength and Guide, my one true Friend, my Laughter, my Light, my Life. There are many things I have not experienced in my long life, but I believe I have what most do not. I was reminded once again of the road I am asked to travel, and although lonely, painful at times, and often disconcerting, it is the life I choose to walk with the One I choose to walk it with. He'll see me through, as He always has in the past, and together we'll find good in the events of my life, past and present, and give hope to others journeying the irrevocable paths of life.

Focus

It's been awhile. I imagine those who follow my journeys through life have been wondering what happened to me. I really don't make time for social media, as my job keeps me busy "on the keys" and in the field. It's a crazy ride, but I love what I do...or at least, what I give my best efforts in doing. My life gets a bit out of balance at times, as the past year and a half has produced a period of waiting that makes me battle human emotions of frustration, despair, anxiety, anger, and depression. Quite frankly, I have not been myself in a long time. My faith remains strong, and I trust my Father completely. As long as my focus is on Him and I stay in His Presence, I am calm and confident even on days when confusion abounds! That would be most days.

As you know, my favorite part of the day is early mornings when I can sit alone with Jesus and listen to Him as He directs my thoughts and my day. This is how I maintain peace in the midst of turmoil, because my life has been seemingly spinning out of control. Another thing you know about me is that I believe in the power of the Word, so I have made it a life practice to memorize scripture for such times as these when I need the reassurance that I am never alone, and Someone is in control of ALL that concerns me.

Sometimes it takes time for a message to finally bring itself home to me. Psalm 127:2 says "It is useless for you to work so hard...for God gives rest to his loved ones." Sound advice for one who works long hours into the nights, as I do, just to keep up with the work. Even when I know that this type of work is never finished. So turning off the computer quickly when my scheduled hours are up has become a goal I set for myself. So far, I have only slaved on days before my days off - Tuesday and Friday. But, yesterday I made a huge breakthrough! Although I wasn't able to shut down promptly at quitting time as I was mid-sentence in a report, I did turn off the computer in record time for a Tuesday night. Now let's see if I can repeat this new direction Friday night. I must say that I felt so energized by that small step of "shutting down" that I fixed supper while I watched the last episodes of Star Trek, exercised, took a long soak in bubble bath while reading my books, and shortly thereafter, I crawled into bed. And for the first time in a long time, I actually slept for five straight hours without waking up or having to restart my "white noise" that helps me sleep. I even got back into the bed and enjoyed the warmth of the quilts and comforter pulled tightly to my neck for another hour before I decided to get up and greet the day.What a beginning for a day off!

It's progress. It may seem like baby steps to some, I'm certain, but understand, I have been on energizer bunny duty for many moons. It's called survival mode, and it is difficult to change a life style overnight. I still have more hurdles to jump, as I attempt to get my life back, but each day I am encouraged in my quiet time and throughout the day by the knowledge that my Father walks with me, and He carries me when necessary. He also prods me on in joyful obedience. Plus, he has given me a friend, who carries the same last name as mine, who encourages me each morning as she and I exchange "Good Mornings" and what God has shown us for the day. On our respective days off we send text messages and prayers to each other. And we surround ourselves with positive people, thinking, and visual aids so our focus can rest on the One who holds us in the palm of His great big hand. Today, in one of my readings, I was asked to write down my joys. My friend is my joy, because we challenge each other daily. That's a huge blessing and answer to prayer. Who helps you get through your day? We all need each other. At least, I know I do!

Ten Seconds

It's Saturday! Realizing it was not a work day, the first hour and twenty-one minutes of my awakening I managed to squander in trivial pursuits. Don't get me wrong...as I woke up refreshed, I was cognizant that I had actually had a good night's sleep! So, after my "Good Mornings" first to Abba and then my stuffed friends, I began to enjoy a day without plans after weeks of coming and going!

My life often becomes a vicious cycle of work and personal commitments, and I am suffering the painful consequences of sitting in front of a computer screen for countless hours on end working on care plans and assessments, involved in work that never ends. Such is my life. So, after successfully being able to "catch up," I decided I had to make some changes.  At the end of my proverbial "shift" I turned off my computer on Thursday evening, and on Friday, although I had to enter in my work for the afternoon, I only did what was needed, and I left the rest for another day. Very liberating to take control. Let's hope it lasts!!

Wednesday, my day off and "mental stability" day, I happened upon a little book in World Market that caught my eye and ended up coming home with me. It's called "You are doing a Freaking Great Job and Other Reminders of your Awesomeness." So I thought, hmmmm....why not?! I have been keeping a list of "Blessings and Miracles" posted on my refrigerator door since December 2016 to remind me of something good each day. It keeps my mind focused on "good things" rather than negative ones. So now, in addition to this pursuit, I am adding my little quip for the day from my little treasure. As I opened the book I see the introduction: "An (encouraging little) Introduction."
Then, these words:

"Keep your head up.
Take your time.
Be proud of yourself.
Always remember: You are right where you're supposed to be."

Breathlessly, I was compelled to turn to my first reassurance, and it said: "You deserve all the good things." Wow! I resisted the urge to turn to the second page until tomorrow....

These words give me pause to consider the meaning of "good things." How exactly does that apply to my life in this season of endless waiting and wondering when the next phase of my journey will begin and what it will bring. I have been purposely not thinking about anything stressful, rather I am choosing to focus on the moment, the here and now. It does little to be concerned about things I cannot change. I'm stuck, and I have to make the best of things until I get my release and marching orders. But, in the meantime, I am going to look for those "good things."

This morning I posted a video on Facebook about Mr. Rogers, the beloved man who shared his day with children around the world on his daily television show, encouraging them to live wholesome lives. In his speech, towards the end, he asks us to take ten seconds to think about people who have made an impact on our lives, who have been an encouragement, or something along those lines. He said he would keep count as the audience considered the question quietly to themselves. So, I did just that, but I allowed a bit more time to ponder as the gears of my brain kicked into motion. I'm sure if each of us truly took ten seconds to be still, we'd come up with at least one person whom we remember in that way.

As for my memories, I have shared in the past about people in my life, some I cannot remember their names, but whom I will never forget. Mildred Green, the school librarian at Midway and a family friend, taught me the love of reading, and I remain an avid reader to this day. My grandparents always believed the best in me, and my papa took me on many adventures to Jamestown, Williamsburg, and Goshen. He loved seeing new places, and my parents often remarked that he would have loved New Mexico, the open spaces and unique experiences. I know my daddy did, as he secretly wanted to be a cowboy, and he donned his jeans, shirt, boots and hat each time they visited. I have often wondered if my parents and grandparents would be proud of the person I have become, the work I do? Will I leave an impression on someone's life? I sincerely hope I make a positive impression on someone. That is a good thing to do. I want to be remembered for my compassion, my wonder, and my love for others. I want to be know for my crazy ideas and coloring outside of the lines. Let's make a memory!

Meandering

There are days that I sit in judgment of myself and allow the enemy's lies to infiltrate my mind and bring back all the wrongs I've committed or the ones he dreamed up to make me believe I have done. It fails me as to why I allow this ritual to continue. Why allow tormenting spirits into my mind. How do they continually gain access to so-called holy ground. What am I doing wrong? Or perhaps I am doing something right.

I know I am not the only one who struggles with memories, but I do know I am more transparent than others, because I feel that someone may need hope I can bring them by sharing. Otherwise my writing is only for myself, but that's not an entirely bad thing either. I believe knowledge is to be shared. It's the stuff of life.

As I was reading this morning, in the margin of my Bible were written the words: "I am a photon - a wavelength of light-passing through the world." It was written near the passage of scripture in Ephesians 5:8 "Live as children of light...and find out what pleases God." I probably wrote it, but maybe I read it. Regardless, it's true, and I hope the light that passes through me is the Spirit of God's love and light. He's the only important One.

Waiting is hard. In the pages of Isaiah I find assurance that I am not alone in my struggles. I also find notations from 2016 when this battle began, but rather than believe God is making me wait, drawing out this agony and abuse, I choose to believe He is allowing me to wait in expectation of His glory being revealed in a mighty way for His purpose in fulfilling the plans He has for me.

Isaiah 31:4-5 paints a clear picture of the God of Heaven's Armies who rescues His beloved. I paraphrased it just for myself, as the Word of God is personal to each of us: "Just as a strong young lion stands growling over his prey is not shaken by the shouts of shepherds, so the Lord will come down and fight for me! He will hover over me and protect me as a mother bird protects her young. He will defend and save me. He will pass over me and rescue me!"

Chapter 32 begins: "Look, a righteous king is coming!" Then it speaks of his rule as, "shelter from the wind...a refuge from the storm, like streams of water in the desert and the shadow of a great rock in a parched land. Then everyone who has eyes will be able to see the truth, and everyone who has ears will be able to hear it."

These are the promises for God's children. He is our defender and our peace. He who brings quietness and confidence when we trust Him. When our focus is on Him and not on horses, chariots, or influential men of this world. I hear people use this phrase about a person or situation, "He is my salvation." Even a job is considered as someone's salvation, because it gets them out of the house or pays a bill or otherwise meets a need. NO! There is only one Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, and God is the one who gives us the ability to meet our needs. Everything belongs to Him. Everything comes from Him. He is all that matters. Our focus should be on Him alone as the Author and Finisher of our faith.

I wrestle with this part as I do not want to misuse what God has gifted me. I have a compassionate heart, especially towards my children, because mothers want to "help," and we can so easily cross the boundary into enabling. My kids are survivors. They've had to be. Just as I have learned to be. But they are also generous to a fault. Just as I have been. So I don't always think I taught them well. We are told to be generous with what the Lord provides, and I have taken that literally all my life. When I give my daughter something I know full well it won't be there when I return, because she loves to bless other people. But it's more than that.

Today I read in Jesus Calling by Sarah Young "Ask my Spirit to live through you as you wend your way through this day. Hold my hand in joyful trust, for I never leave your side. The Light of My Presence is shining upon you. Brighten up the world by reflecting who I Am." The word "wend" caught my eye as I thought it was a typographical error, but as I considered the meaning I see it is appropriate to my life. To "wend" is to meander or follow a twisted, turning path to get to a certain place. I think this speaks of my life, as I certainly have not followed a path many would find enjoyable, but I am tenacious as my older son suggests. I am determined to take the road less traveled as I have mentioned in previous writings, because for me it is the only desirable journey. Has it been easy? No, certainly not! I would not have chosen it for myself, but that's the problem, I chose! In my youthful ignorance and inexperience I chose an alternate route. The important thing I have come to realize, however, is that God has been directing my life in spite of me! He never has taken His hand from me. And now, although it seems like my rescue will never come, He is in control.

I begin to dream, and a peace that surpasses all understanding comes, but soon...another tree falls to block the path, and I either stand "stuck" or I climb over the obstacle and continue on my way. I've been stuck way too many times, so finally getting to the place of pulling of my britches leg and climbing over is becoming easier. I still experience the chronic aches and pains of the experience, but I make it over to the other side and struggle on. But I am never alone. I think that's why the movie version of  The Shack speaks so loudly when God is telling Mack He never left Jesus' side when He was on the cross. The female character portraying God takes Mack by the hands as she is speaking these words, and he looks down and sees the scars of the nail wounds on God's wrists. He's with us through every challenge, every sadness, every struggle, bearing our pain. He already bore the pain, the agony, but He never suffered defeat. He won! He was victorious over the enemy and defeat! And He is the One who fights our battles. Jesus said, "It is finished!" So that settles it with me.

Cleansing, Calling, Commitment

In Chapter 6, verse 1 of the book of Isaiah he boldly states: "In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw also the Lord." Oswald Chambers makes note of the following: "Our soul's history with God is frequently the history of the 'passing of the hero.' Over and over again God has to remove our friends in order to bring Himself in their place, and that is where we faint and fail and get discouraged."

He's absolutely correct! Over the past five years alone I have experienced overwhelming losses in every area of my life, and I have felt so alone at times without family by my side. My mother's death was hard, my daddy's worse, the loss of beloved friends, and even death, shame and failure by divorce after 25 years of marriage continues to hurt beyond belief. The past two years have been the most life-defining for me as I continue to struggle against the power of evil trying to destroy my credibility and steal my peace. There are times that I succumb to the noise that pierces through my head, and I cry out for resolution, and I once more regress into the prison of depression and fear.

I don't know why things happen as they do other than to say I believe God uses all things for His good in accomplishing His purpose in our lives. I have prayed over and over to become like Jesus Christ who is humble in all ways. Repeatedly Abba brings me back to Matthew 5 and the Sermon on the Mount. I have come to realize just how must He must love me in spite of what happens to me. Why else would He speak to me daily, often in triplicate repeating what He wants me to hear for the day. And all He says to me is to focus on Him, to trust Him, and I fail so miserably. One who has done such amazing things for me and through me for others.
 

My daughter and I were recounting the amazing deeds God has accomplished in my life over the years since my divorce. I had given up my dreams for my family, moved away from my home to come to New Mexico in obedience as a wife, and help my children acclimate to a new culture. But, little did I know that my life then, that was so different from the one I felt called by God to do, would be re-directed to what He had called me to do. Although I may not be a neurosurgeon on the mission fields I have walked through the damaged minds of countless precious people including my own and have an understanding and compassion few ever realize. I may not have made it....YET...to the mission field other than Belize one summer, but I travel daily and touch lives for Christ. New Mexico has become my home and my mission field just as all backyards should be throughout the world. I may not have amassed wealth or own a home, but I am wealthy beyond comprehension in the people I am privileged to know, serve, and bless. God always restores, so as my daughter so correctly put it, I am never without.

One of the greatest challenges I have had to face has been in trying to help my son buy his home in Virginia. After years of struggle, horrible tragedy - some of his own choosing, he is at peace, and his life has taken a new turn. He is healing in spirit, soul, and mind. I feel in time his body will heal also. He still has a long road to travel, but he is at peace in my parents' home. This home is very special to him, because he know that Jesus made a physical appearance twice. Once for my mother and once to me. This house has witnessed sad times, even cruelty, yet Jesus came Himself to give comfort on two occasions. He cares that much! My son aches to visibly see Jesus, and this may not happen this side of heaven, but He is very present in our lives daily if we only take the time to "see" and "listen" and "be".  In his book My Utmost for His Highest Oswald Chambers says "Character determines revelation. Before I can say 'I saw also the Lord,' there must be something corresponding to God in my character."

Over the past three weeks I have been struggling again, because as God chooses to speak to me in triplicate, satan seems to strike the same way...to the point of pushing my nose into the dirt from every direction. Being alone becomes so abjectly alone to me, and I cry out for an end, for resolution, for a new life. Although there are times of silence, I know my Abba is always with me. I may not tangibly see or feel His Presence, but I know. And when He speaks to me through varied media and methods my heart is stirred again, and He picks me up, and I dare to go on.

Max Lucado's wonderful read, No Wonder They Call Him the Savior, recounts the message of the song written by Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel called "The Boxer" about a man who was ready to give up and go home until he sees before him a fighter. The lyrics go:

"In the clearing stands a boxer and a fighter by his trade,

and he carries a reminder of every blow that laid him down

or cut him till he cried out in his anger and his shame -  

'I am leaving, I am leaving!' but the fighter still remains."

This message came to me as I was crying out to God to speak to me...just speak to me and tell me what to do! In desperation I cried, and He answered. As I read on, in the next few paragraphs Max asks: "Are you close to quitting? Please don't do it. Are you discouraged as a parent? Hang in there. Are you weary with doing good. Do just a little more. Are you pessimistic about your job? Roll up your sleeves and go at it again. No communication in your marriage? Give it one more shot. Can't resist temptation? Accept God's forgiveness and go one more round. Is your day framed with sorrow and disappointment? Are your tomorrows turning into nevers? Is hope a forgotten word?"

The tears fell in torrents at that time, and through blurred vision I read..."Remember, a finisher is not one with no wounds or weariness. Quite to the contrary, he, like the boxer, is scarred and bloody. Mother Teresa is credited with saying, 'God didn't call us to be successful, just faithful.' The fighter, like our Master, is pierced and full of pain. He, like Paul, may even be found and beaten. But he remains. The Land of Promise, says Jesus, awaits those who endure (Matthew 10:22)."

It's time like these when I realize how desperately I fail Abba Father when I fail to see Him in these overwhelming situations that batter my already tired brain, and I fail to trust Him which is all He has asked of me. But dwelling on failures only aids discouragement so I choose to focus on the incredible gift of "vision" and "clarity" He has once more gifted me, and I choose to not give up and quit. I will see this battle through. After all it is not "my" battle, but His.

So, for anyone who is reading today, struggling under a heavy load, don't be afraid to ask for help. A friend once told me I was too transparent in expressing my needs, but I believe this is necessary, especially for those who follow Christ. How else can we be credible testimonies of His glory in our lives? So, take a chance and share. There's no condemnation in Christ. We can encourage and uplift one another.

The MOST important thing for me and you to remember is this:

"In all the world there is none but thee, my God,

there is none but thee."

My Utmost for His Highest

Oswald Chambers 

Dear Jesus - Day 1

The day is quietly slipping away as I sit in Your Presence. Early mornings are our best times together as I seek direction for the day. I'm learning not to hurry our times together. I need your guidance more with each passing day as the enemy tries to turn my peace into fear. I rely on Your strength to remain in control as each day presents new and impossible demands. I need to discipline my life and set boundaries, so I can get get the rest and refreshment you have for me. I need to truly trust you and not simply mouth the words. Praise needs to continually be on my lips.

Forgive me when I think Your arm's too short, and when I become ensnared by the lies and deceptions, listening to people rather than keep my focus trained on You. I know better. You have shown me Your faithfulness throughout the difficult journey of my life. Thank You for loving me, for holding my hand when I was alone and afraid, for allowing me to sit in Your lap and rest in Your grace.

As the day begins to close, and our time together slips into rest and sleep, speak to me in my dreams and prepare me for the upcoming day's challenges. Keep my mind transfixed on Your Divine Presence and Your purpose for my life. Thank You for our day together, Father. For the quiet confidence and strength to endure. Good night.