Home Free

It's getting late, and the wind is blowing something fierce.  My window is open a bit enough to allow a breeze to cool my room.  It's been raining, and the air smells so clean.  My wind chimes are singing as the wind picks up speed, then dies down.  Good weather for sleeping.

I had another long day today; I spent all day in my home office, mostly putting out fires, so to speak.  But I was able to accomplish some victories as well.  At the end of the day I received a most unwelcome call, unexpected - a death report.  I'd spent quite a bit of time this afternoon involved in her case, only to learn of her passing at a few minutes before 5 pm.  She had become a friend to me over the years, and I had been visiting with her only a few days ago.  We shared a passion for sewing and quilting, and we had planned to get together to discuss her quilt project once time allowed.  Well, time ran out, in a most unpleasant way.

For the past few days as I have traveled my "circuits" I have been remembering my fallen friends who fought the good fight for so long, before their bodies just caved in and wore out.  Sometimes expected, other times not so, but always devastating to those of us who still care about humanity and the value of a life.

It's not the ideal ending to a day of fighting for causes, but at least I can rest assured that her life will not go unrecognized.  God knew her heart, and I know that she's standing in glory with Him and all of heaven praising her Father for bringing her home.  No more sickness, no more pain and two strong legs.  She is at last...free!

His Eye is on the Sparrow

"Human wisdom comes from reason,

godly wisdom comes from revelation. "

The Daily Walk

I have been giggling with God this morning...and crying too.  It's so much fun to share things with Him, but then He already knows!  Still I love to talk to him, waking up to say "Good Morning, Father."  It is really reassuring to me to know that no matter what the day appears to be a first glance, or even knowing what I have to face or may face when I turn on the computer to begin my work day, that He is always here to greet me.  He never sleeps, and He stands watch over me as I rest.  Isn't that comforting?  It is to me.

I live alone, and on days when I am not working, I often choose to spend my time hidden from others.  I have friends, and I do go places, enjoy music, plays, movies, and I have a bucket list of things to do this summer already planned out. Some things are new adventures, others I have missed in recent years, so although I shelter myself somewhat, I do share my time with others also.

This Memorial Day weekend I had planned to go away to one of my hiding places and write.  I forgot that this is the weekend that all the bikers gather to honor the fallen Veterans at the War Memorial in Angel Fire.  Those hills hug my hiding places in Sipapu and Red River.  And although noise usually doesn't disturb me, the vast amount of partying through the night probably would have, so I chose to stay home and write.  It has been quiet here, and I have accomplished some.  Who knows...usually when I do get to my thinking spots I tend to sleep the first day or so, as I am completely exhausted by my every day work, existing in the helplessness of it all.  So here at home I can rest, no one bothers to stop by, so I can be alone, at peace.

I got a call early Sunday morning, an elderly friend saying he'd missed me, and I was needed at church.  So I mustered my strength to give it a go, and I was glad I had for the most part.  Although there were only a handful of people there, it was a pleasant few.  We had a guest visiting, whom I knew, but what he shared with us confirmed my inmost feeling about seasons, times, making changes.  Another confirmation in just two days. It is said that confirmation comes from two or three witnesses. Interesting.  In my heart I am ready to set flight, leave the nest, and soar on the wings of faith.  It is then, in these times of affirmation, the blow tends to fall.  As, true to his nature as a deceiver, a cunning foe, satan will use the ones we love the most to bring frustration, near defeat.  It can come from the voice of a precious soul who does not understand, who cannot "see", who is their self in so much pain.  

I cannot be what others want me to be, and I cannot do what others expect me to do.  I can only do what I feel God has for me to do, even if, no one ever accepts it or thinks I have finally lost my mind.  It would be the same for my family and children.  I do not expect my sons and daughter to live their lives with me or for me, and they should not expect it of me, which they don't, by the way.  I want them to live the life they are meant to live, free!  As much as I love them, and as much as I would love to  have them near my side, they are always in my heart, and that is enough for me, if they are content.  Loving God and each other. I do not expect my family to understand why I live the way I do. Life is so short, and to live it in slavery to another person's hopes and dreams is wrong.  I have lived in that bondage way too long, so, forgive me, but I cannot do so any longer.  We have to discover who we are, and what we are meant to be in this life.  God's plan is perfect and best.  Many cannot see His hand upon their lives, because they do not figure Him into the equation, but He is most certainly watching, hoping we choose the best life.

Wow, when I started writing I never knew these words would come.  I never do, actually, as Holy Spirit has a way of guiding me, although I am certain their is much humanity in those words.  My prayer is that you never feel "stuck", and that family tradition never holds you captive for a second. We respect our parents, and rightly so, but each call is for the individual to discover and each life is individual in the living.  I thank God I have friends who are happy in the lives they are living.  Isn't it a wonderful thing to be so blessed, alive in His love! Cherish the times! And as I choose my path, rejoice for me, even though you may not understand.

Quiet Rest

There is a place of quiet rest enveloped in His righteousness,

Fed each day by God's own hand, waking up to welcome Him.

The day breaks, the sun shines, the earth alive with joy,

as butterflies and candy corn delight the viewer's eyes.

Oh why can't I admit my pain, forget the past and live,

enjoying life and living it, at peace with self and man.

In God's own love and sweet success to marvel at each day.

Complete in love and happiness and joy upon my face.

Thank You, Lord for giving me the life I don't deserve.

I promise to fulfill the vow I've given only You.

I will love You, Lord and treasure life and give to all I find

who love You Lord and welcome You into their life and heart.

Laughter and sunshine, harvest and rain,

enjoying life, loving You I am once more alive.

Linda, 5.26.14

Part 2 - The Path of Healing (contiued)

  Break Every Chain
by Digital Age

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

You're the all sufficient sacrifice
So freely given such a price
Bought our redemption
Heaven's gates swing wide

There's an army rising up
There's an army rising up
There's an army rising up
To break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

To break every chain
Break every chain
Break every chain

There is power in the name of Jesus!  These are the words I hear over and over again. Seems like I am being sung to all the time here lately. I guess God is trying to bring the truth home to me, in His subtle way.  Ya know, we sing of His wonderful name, "Oh, the wonder of Your Name...."  We quote scriptures, hang framed scriptures or plaques on our walls. We say things like, "we want to know you, we trust you and reverence your Name." We lift our hands in praise to God, as the music plays on and on, louder and louder, people responding, swaying, engaged in worship. But is it true worship or simply responding to a tune, a beat?  Could we be as entranced if there were only words written on a screen, repeated in unison, without music, just the sound of our voices?  What is true worship? Genuine praise?

Sadly I have witnessed that more times than not there is hype in music, hype in prayers, hype in every aspect of our Christian lives, and never seeing God for who He truly is or worshiping Him in genuine praise.  Only a momentary glimpse, and we're off spouting more words, more scriptural verbage - human understanding without truly recognizing who He is and what He is saying to us!  And we think we have progressed since the exodus from Egypt, through the sands of the desert, wandering in the wilderness. We are still groping away in the shadows, missing the light!

There is power in the name of Jesus.  Within the pages of scripture the names of God bear testimony to His name:

 

In assurance He says to us, "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10).  All He wants is our obedience and our love, as He poured out His love to us. As He gave all He had for us. 

I'm facing a challenging time in my life where I know I need to make some changes, but change is not always easy, is it?  Especially after a lifetime of readjustments and starting over. My one constant has been my faith, my hope, my solid trust in Jesus. I was sharing with my daughter today about my blogs, and we reminded each other of the scriptures we cling to, places of peace, healing.  "You are my hiding place; you will protect me from trouble and surround me with songs of deliverance."  Words of strength offering a solid ground on which we stand.  Places He takes us for healing.

As I walk hand in hand with Jesus He is leading me into a new direction, and it is a little scary at times, but I know I'll be okay.  My family may not understand, as they seldom do, but that's okay, because it's my life, my walk, my healing.  And I have the best Comforter and Friend who's walking close beside, guiding my way, breaking every chain!

Rascal and Lady

Sometimes I am such a blubbering idiot.  I just watched a movie, "Marley and Me", and it just ripped my heart wide open again.  It's about a bargain sale puppy purchased by newlyweds who made their life an adventure. Through love and sorrow, loss and gain, and the birth of their three children this couple shared a life with a dog with abnormal tendencies.  In the film the husband, John tells the vet that Marley is not really a dog, he's basically more than that, as Marley had sat nine hours beside his sick son, never leaving his side.  I know that if you've ever owned a pet, he or she becomes an integral part of your family, and goes through each moment like a child, a brother, a sister, a friend.  One who asks for nothing but gives us unconditional love and comfort when we need it most.

I've had to say goodbye to many friends in my family's lifetime, and memories are very hard.  My last pets, Rascal and Lady, border collies abandoned in a dumpster in an alley behind my daughter's home, found their way through a broken board in the fence and into our hearts. We spent so many years roaming the hills behind my home in El Rancho, near the San Ildefonso Pueblo, me running trying to keep up with them as they gave a neighboring jack rabbit the run of his life.  He outsmarted those gals more than once.  I think it made his day more than it made theirs.  I believe he actually looked forward to the daily jaunts with these two characters and laid in wait each day. When we moved to Chimayo those two gave the neighboring wildlife more than a little grief, but I remember two days without being able to find them, which was the scare of my life.  They reappeared, covered in mud, but obviously happy to return home.  I never knew where they were or how they got there. I only cared they were home.

When I said good - bye to them it was with the thought I'd see them soon, as I was going ahead to my new job, but I never saw them again.  They were given to a local farmer, I'm told, who had two children in the truck with him.  Lady and Rascal, I was told, jumped up into the truck bed, accepting their new life, hopefully a wonderful one.  When I returned to New Mexico I looked for them, and over the years when I heard of two wild and free border collies being seen in the area they were taken, I wished for a chance to run with them again.  Once I was driving down the road, and I saw two older dogs who resembled them, and I actually got out of my car and chased after them.  As it turned out they were not my friends, but it warmed my heart to see the owner loved his pets so much.  I hope I'll be able to rescue another dog or dogs one day, as a part of my heart has been missing since that day.  Another misfit toy, I imagine, and definitely, a kindred spirit.

Part 2 - The Path of Healing

But now the Lord who created you, O Israel, says,

Don't be afraid, for I have ransomed you; I have called

you by name; you are mine.

When you go through deep waters and great trouble,

I will be with you. 

When you pass through rivers of

difficulty, you will not drown! 

When you walk through the fire of oppression, 

you will not be burned up - 

the flames will not consume you.

For I am the Lord your God,

your Savior, the Holy One of Israel.

Isaiah 43: 1 - 3

Several years ago God spoke to me about a book He wanted me to write, and over the course of time I have kept journals of insight to share whenever I get around to mustering the courage to write.  It is about my personal journey, and there is much about God's plans that I do not understand yet, but little by little, I begin to see.  I believe God has a way of working things out for His glory even when we take a side trip, as I have mentioned many times before.  It's a beautiful thing to see how God works out the kinks and crevices of a burned out life and a broken heart.  It's so humbling to know you're worth the effort when we are often taught the opposite in every day life.  God wants us to know that we are loved, we have a calling, that He has equipped us for that calling.  But we get so mired down in the struggles of life, stuck in the "can not dos" that we put aside the idea of pursuing our dreams, these inward yearnings.  I am an expert when it comes to that.  I can get so fired up by spending time in the Presence of God that I begin to write, map it out, only to be knocked down by a phone call, an email, or a family comment.  These things have literally paralyzed me, and if you have ever had a taste of depression, it is a debilitating prison, without a hope of freedom.

I often feel that people, like Elijah, who walk closely with the Lord, who witness His miracles, the impossible, often get to a point of burn out, and paralysis of spirit.  For myself I can be strong for others Monday through Friday, offering help and encouragement to people, then shut down at night.  The weekends are worse.  I have gotten to places where I couldn't do anything except cry.  For years I wrestled with the demons of not being good enough, of guilt and shame, chronic pain and illness, insomnia. I've been abandoned, discarded, harangued and exploited.  I share this with you, because I feel that in being transparent, others may have the freedom to voice how they feel.  I still have my moments, as I share freely in my blogs, but I know who is the source of the lies, and I know how to stand my ground and fight back.  Why I still succumb to his little traps at times is the question I ask of myself.  I know so much, and I am daily in God's Presence, so why, Linda, do you allow old slue foot to stick a talon in your flesh?!  With me, I think I have become so tired, so beaten down by the injustice in the "System" that the helplessness has brought me to a place of despair...no, I cannot say that.  To despair is to not have hope.  And we always have hope in Jesus.  He has fought and won the battle!  And I will never give up my fight for others who do not have a voice.  I will speak up, and I will not concede. I know too much, and I will not back down until things are as they should be, as much as they can be in the place our world is headed. But, I don't have to go there, nor do the people I hold dear.

So saddle up, we are off on a new adventure. The road may become lonely, there may be fires and floods, but we won't be burned, and we won't be drowned.  We may get singed or soggy, and we may get frustrated and discouraged, but we will never despair.  We have hope and a sure destiny. Together, hand in hand, we can do this!

I'm off today a little side trip I am calling my Path of Freedom which will eventually lead to the Path of Discovery.  Life's so interesting. As I am sitting here writing, waiting for my car to be serviced, in walks a happy young lady, and we begin to talk.  It does not take long to realize that another "kindred spirit" has entered my life.  Someone who understands the spirit within me, the vision of help and healing, the discoveries yet to make, and the freedom to take that first terrifying step into the great unknown.  God is always faithful, always pointing the way, confirming the vision.  So once my car is ready I am off to the Post Office to take a huge first step of embracing the mystery of the unknown  The only thing standing between me and my dream is a passport.  Today that gap will be closed!

In Heaven's Eyes

 In Heaven's Eyes

by 

Sandi Patty

A fervent prayer rose up to heaven, a fragile soul is losing ground

Sorting through this earthly babble, heaven heard the sound

This was a life with no distinction, no successes, only tries

Yet gazing down on this unlovely one, there was love in heaven's eyes

In heaven's eyes, there are no losers, in heaven's eyes no hopeless cause

Only people like you with feelings like me amazed by the grace we can find

In heaven's eyes

A restless child, a wayward father, a lonely traveler in the rain

When life goes on and no one bothers heaven feels the pain

Looking down, He sees each heart ache, knows each sorrow, hears each cry

And looking up, we see compassion's fire ablaze in heaven's eyes

In heaven's eyes, there are no losers, in heaven's eyes no hopeless cause

Only people like you with feelings like me, and we're amazed by the grace we can find

In heaven's eyes!

Music has always been very important to me especially in times when no matter how hard I try, I cannot seem to make sense out of things.  The song above is one I sang when I actually sang in church.  These days I cannot find my voice in public to sing along with a congregation much less a solo.  I'm guessing it has to do with this spiritual place I'm in right now amidst the confusion, the "noise" as I dub it.  You can be in a field in the middle of no where and be surrounded by "noise". To some perhaps that's fear or sheer frustration crying out.  "What do I do?!"

I still find myself in a dither, but my vision is still very clear.  I am closer to a resolution today, but there are things I need to "tidy up".  For this I need to focus, remain calm, and listen as my fingers pound the board.  I have a four day weekend.  Time to reflect.  Hopefully, once decided, I can act clearly, decisively, regardless of the flack that will surely come my way.  Face set forward, not looking back or off to the side, determined and confirmed.  This is my time. God's time, and my prayer is that I do not let Him down.

There are always voices, comments, innuendos, opinions glazed with pointing fingers, guilt and shame that buzz around inside your head so loudly that it screams loudly, seemingly audible. At that moment all we can do is fall to our knees, arms lifted to the sky and surrender to the only One who can give peace. Allow God's love to bathe us and wash away the hurt, the pain, the lies, the screams, the feeling of helplessness, hopelessness, despair. Wash away the ugly, cruel, demanding, heartless words of those who do not understand and never will.  And we stay in that place until we can relinquish the feelings and rise "amazed by the grace we can find In heaven's eyes."