Day 1 - Godly Perspective

"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,

 whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable -

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy -

think on these things."

Philippians 4:8 (NIV)

The Biblical reference noted today is one I have en-grafted on my heart, trusting that in times of doubt, fear, seeming hopelessness and helplessness, I can choose to think of my circumstances or those of others around me, or I can focus on the things that bring honor to God through praise on my lips.  

Today as I began my walk through the book of Joshua I am given a monthly challenge to think about ways God is preparing me today for what will happen tomorrow.  Yesterday in my daily reading as the book of Deuteronomy ended, Moses died and Joshua was named to be his successor.  If you are a Bible scholar you may recall that Moses led the children of Israel out of Egypt under amazing circumstances and displays of God's power,  en route to the promised land given to Abraham's ancestors.  Once God brought them to the edge of Canaan the people rebelled and had to wander in the wilderness for 40 years until all the older generations of those who sinned through disbelief had died.  The only two exceptions were Caleb and Joshua.  Even Moses was not allowed to enter the promised land, because he became angry at the people and did not do what God instructed him to do.  So Moses is taken to the top of Mount Nebo where God allows him to see the land of Canaan before he dies.

In trying to see how God is preparing me, working in my life today to prepare me for tomorrow, I am beginning to understand the reason behind His words "Do you trust Me? with more clarity.  Joshua was preparing his army for battle to cross over into  the land of promise and destroy the enemy's strongholds in that land.  And what does God say to him?  Be strong and courageous!  Do not look at the circumstances trust only in Me.  What we see with our natural eyes can be overwhelming, but in the spiritual perspective the victory has been won.  "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him."  (Isaiah 64:4)

I don't think there has been a day in the past two years of this adventure that I haven't testified to someone about how amazing my life has been, because God has so miraculously kept me in every circumstance of my life.  I have weathered some pretty intense storms since my move here to New Mexico in 1987, but true to His word, God has never forsaken or abandoned me.  People have, but God, never.  God never promised us an easy life as His child, but He did promise to always be there.  

At this moment I am faced with life and death issues, but I have purposed in my heart to stand still and see the victory of God.  Throughout all these years the enemy has tried to beat me down on every side, knowing my vulnerable area is where my children are involved.  The devices he uses are not new to me, but my response is critical.  I have chosen to stand, be strong and courageous, like Joshua, and know the battle is the Lord's and the victory is assured.  

Like Joshua, as he prepares his heart for battle, I seek the Lord's direction in thanksgiving for Who He is and what He has already done,  as I ready myself in prayer.

For now I leave you with these words spoken to Joshua as he knelt before the Commander-in-Chief of the Lord's Army, "Take off your shoes, for you are standing on holy ground."

Silence Speaks

Today I find myself troubled, yet convinced that all my worries can safely be entrusted to God, my one true constant.  Daily struggles continue to test my resolve to simply trust, even when there appears to be no relief, no visible proof that my prayers are being heard and help is on the way.

This week was Random Acts of Kindness week, or so I heard on the Christian station I listen to faithfully.  I had been so absorbed in my job that I really had not paid attention to the announcements until Thursday, so I hadn't really put any true thought into reaching out to anyone other than in the course of my everyday life and the work I do.  Then Friday I had the privilege of not only helping meet someone's tangible needs, but I was able to share the hope that no matter how impossible our situation becomes, we are never alone, never forsaken, and that no matter what happens we are loved unconditionally.

It shouldn't surprise me that with each encouragement I give to another I find myself smacked upside the head by yet another attack meant as a warning to back off from the true work I am placed in this earth to do or suffer the consequences.  No true surprise as I've been walking this walk for many years now, especially since I've been on my own.  The enemy knows my vulnerabilities, where he can probe his little talon into my flesh to at least momentarily paralyze me.  Those attacks usually come from those I hold most dear, those I'd bleed and give my life to save.  And sometimes it works, I weaken, and I find myself wondering why I even want to go on in this life.  I pray for death, to just be free, to end this pain and be at peace.  My soul cries out, only to hear silence, not a word, no direction, just silence.  But in that silence the panic eases, the tears cease to flow, I hear it, I feel it, I know it...He's there.  He's always there with me.  My one true constant...the lover of my soul.  My Lord reaches down, and He dries my tears, and He strengthens my soul, because He can.  He is the only one who can.  There is no other, only Him.  I've been told He's my crutch, my invisible friend, my denial of the truth. I'm criticized and called a bad mother, one who lives in denial, not wanting to accept the truth, because I choose to walk in victory, holding His hand, resting in His love, believing His truth, rather than succumbing to self pity or manipulating others.  I know the greater truth that He has power to save, power to heal, and He does it today!  So if you're struggling under a heavy weight, despairing of life itself, don't give up or give in, hold on.  He hasn't gone anywhere.  Quiet the noise of your heart and listen, feel, know the power of the silence.

Waiting is hard.  Near impossible at times.  We don't understand why things happens, tragedy strikes, love ones die or lies and accusations come.  Just cry out, let the tears flow and the hurt release.  Spend yourself, pour it out. Once the noise inside of you is released, the noise inside purges.  Then in the quiet, listen...can you hear the music, can you hear the praise as it ever gently begins to rise within your heart?  In the silence listen for that song...let the cry of your heart lift high to Him.  Sing it out, and slowly ever so slowly it begins within you...the music comes.  Can you hear it growing, building, bursting forth,  louder....with everything, with everything shout out in praise.  With all the strength you can muster, let the praise arise higher and higher.  The voices, can you hear the voices?  They're there, with your voice...rising heavenward....rising home.  Suddenly you are surrounded, and there's no more fear, no more sadness, no more tears, except those of praise.  The sincerest form of worship.  And the price is worth it.  What we endure in this life is worth it. We know and feel it as we praise.  I want you to feel it, know its strength and healing, as I do. Your life will never be the same. 

Even If...I Will Trust You

Holidays are very difficult times for me, especially since my daddy passed away last year just before Christmas.  It was a bitter sweet passing, as he had suffered so long, and he missed my mother so much.  Mama died on the very same day, three years prior to daddy's passing.  The day before my daddy died he asked my sister if she knew what day it was.  He knew.   I believe mama and daddy had a date, and she was waiting at heaven's gate to welcome him home.

As I think about my family tears come to my eyes, but also, a smile lights my face as I remember.  Childhood can be a wonderful memory if we choose to view it as a blessing even if it really was the opposite at times.  Terror to a child comes in many faces, yet also grace abides to protect in ways we cannot see at the time.

I was sharing with my younger son this morning that I have lived to see so many historical moments, both exciting and cruel.  I still get teary eyed and a bit angry as I recall certain injustices, mockeries, atrocities of war, and the mistreatment of others.  But what concerns me more is that even as advanced as our present culture has become, the injustices, mockeries, atrocities, and mistreatment continue.  Prejudice and hate fill the hearts of people in a diverse world where it should not be so.  Who can look at the face of a homeless man, woman, child and not have compassion?  Who can see a hungry animal and not feed it?  Who can see an old woman fallen on the sidewalk, or even worse in the street as she attempts to cross it, and not stop to rush to her assistance.  Compassion, honor, integrity.  Are these not present in our hearts today?

While reading my Daily Walk Bible this morning I began to think about my children and the things they have faced in their lives,  things that continue to challenge them daily.  I think about all the children of the world who face challenges, heartbreaks, misfortune, and I pray.  I pray for broken relationships to be healed, reconciliation with one another, but mostly I pray that God would break their hearts, as He has broken mine, for what breaks His heart.  This is a mighty prayer, and it is not to be taken lightly, as I promise you that He will show you things you wish you did not see or know.  But it also gives you strength to know that God cares about every aspect of your life, your being, every breath you take.  Try it.  I promise, you will never be the same again.

In December of last year, as I was working in my office at home, I heard God's voice clearly saying to me these words, "Trust Me." I stopped and listened, and finally I said, "I will trust You, Lord, even if...."  After that my world changed so dramatically.  I don't think that any part of it has not been tested including my work, my personal life, my family, my church, my friendships, my world in general.  And even though it has been a bumpy ride, I am still trusting God to make all things good again.  Some may feel this is naive of me, considering certain events, but I don't share that belief.  The older I grow, the more I am convinced that God is able to do ALL things, nothing is impossible with Him.  And even if things don't turn out as I had hoped they would, still I see blessings in what has transpired all around me.  It is a choice I have made to trust Him, even if.  I invite you to do the same.  It's worth it!

Voices and Attitude

For many years I have been listening to voices telling me why I can't do certain things.  Never the opposite.  Familiar voices of family, friends, even strangers.  Paralyzing fear follows.  So overpowering that I can't seem to rise against the downward spiral it releases.  The only thing that keeps me from completely being overcome by this great force is my rock solid belief that I can do whatever I set my heart and mind to do with God's help.  That belief comes from my faith in God, and His ability, not my own. 

Over the years the enemy of fear and "you can't do" have caused me to lose much ground in accomplishing my dreams. So much so that today I don't remember what my dreams were much less how to attain them.  I become encouraged only to be let down or shoved back, because rather than listen to the One who created me and birthed these ideas in my heart, I have chosen to listen to the voices that only rebuff, criticize.

Today I find myself discouraged, but I don't know why.  The wind is blowing, it is cold, I am tired. Tomorrow begins another week of doing the same thing.  Not that my work isn't challenging, because it is very much so.  It's just not what I want to be doing with my time right now.  But then, I am not sure where I would want to be or what I desire to be doing. My dreams have faded, and I am straining to see what purpose I may yet have in this world.

What is the answer? Where can I find the answers I seek?  Why can't I lift myself from this despair?

As I mull over this great dilemma the neighborhood dog chooses that moment to stop by to say hello.  The familiar "ah ooooo" comes out sharply, like a wolf baying at the moon.  She never barks, just howls.  I have to laugh, because she does it with such disregard, demanding my attention, but with such  joy at seeing me, acknowledging my presence even if all she hears is "please shut up!"  I admit I am not always as excited about seeing her as she is at seeing me.  But the laughter takes me away from the moment and sets my sight on the simple joys around me that brighten my day.  God does indeed work in mysterious ways, does He not?!

The moods have passed as I watch the antics of this kindly saint playing and romping before me.  The wind is still blowing, rain gently falling, and the earth and my spirit are renewed.  No more voices for today, only the reassurance that each day brings opportunity, and we all choose how we deal with it.  It's all about attitude and state of mind. I have decided to focus on the positive things I see, and the furry friend who loves me.

Written 3/22/13

My Island of Misfit Toys

There is a place where I can go and not feel alone. A place of wonder, beauty, laughter, acceptance and new beginnings.  A place where trust and respect are not earned but granted freely. Where I can go without the guilt and shame of past regrets imprisoning me.  To a place where I feel worthy, believed in, accepted for who I am, capable of accomplishing the impossible, helped when I am weak, forgiven when I am wrong. A place where I can forgive myself and others, realizing we are all fragile and capable of wrong thoughts and deeds, but where we can rise above anything on the wings of faith. To begin again, to be made brand new, with the strength of others, who are just like me, just like you. No longer alone, no longer excluded, living together in harmony, love and faith. Where the impossible dreams become possibilities and realities!

His Great Love

Recently while attending a meeting an unannounced in-service training was held, following with a quiz to test our comprehension of the topic.  Suddenly the relaxed atmosphere changed into panic for me, as I have been experiencing what I label as "test fright" for the past few years every time there are training.  There is no rational reason for this fear, as I can honestly say my company does everything to help me and my co-workers succeed; there is no failure unless I choose it.  Only I cannot make my brain understand that simple truth.  It's like another me takes over, and I make mistakes by misreading the question, and if perchance I have to retake a quiz the fear becomes worse. I spend the greater part of the time physically shaking, unable to focus, and this shaken feeling continues throughout the remainder of the day, even to the night making it impossible to sleep.  One person calls this response the fear of failure.  Perhaps because I am older I fear ridicule by others.  Thinking back in my life  for the root of this terrible malady. I recall incidents which may  have led to these feelings, but if I have truly forgiven my offenders, why do the feelings persist?  Why do I continue to struggle?  How can I overcome?

Satan, the true enemy of our souls wants us to remain defeated, so he finds ways to torment, belittle, demean us, to keep our focus on past failures, regrets, hurts, so we cannot possibly focus on the task at hand.  God does not remember the sins of the past when He looks at us.  He only sees His Son, Jesus.  Our past regrets, failures, outright sins are thrown into His sea of forgetfulness.  But the father of lies continues to ply his trade of deceit, guilt, shame, regret, betrayal, hurt, fear, and we become paralyzed by this fear, never moving to the next step or reaching success.

I, for one, am so tired of feeling this way, of seeing my family continuously in a state of despair for wrong choices or worse still physically ill due to circumstances in which they had no control. Of being held in unseen chains of fear, crippling, limiting us, making us feel unworthy, and even incapable of achieving anything greater, bound by never being good enough.  As I stand in the gap for my family's salvation, reconciliation, deliverance, healing I purpose anew to focus on what God thinks and how He loves us and wants us to live in victory, never defeat.  "For God so loved the world that He gave His Only Begotten Son that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but through Him might be saved. He gave not His Only Son unto the world to condemn the world, but that the world, through Him, might be saved.  While we were yet sinners Christ died for us."

I am humbled daily by acts of kindness towards me.  God knows what I need, but I don't want to rely on human regard, only on what I know of His love and acceptance of me.  I have been so awed by His continual grace and mercy towards me in my life, my family's life, my job, my church. Oh how He loves me, how He loves all.

Father, please help us get past the fears in our lives and truly rest on Christ alone. I want to remain a humble servant in Your eyes, Lord, and I do not want to be seen for myself, but for You in me, because without You, I am nothing.  I am nothing without Christ living in me.  "I am crucified with Christ, nevertheless I live; yet, not I, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by the faith of the Son of God, who loved me, and gave Himself for me."

As I consider this great, limitless, all encompassing and unsurpassing love, how can I continue to allow the enemy to bring defeat?  I purpose this day to go forth in victory and strength in knowing how You see me, how You love me, understanding that You not only have a plan and purpose for my life, but a plan, purpose, a high calling for each of us who accepts and lives by the power of Your great love.  Thank You, Lord, for Your great love.

Written 3/30/13

And So It Goes

The past few weeks have been interesting to say the least.  Certain events that transgress,  plots unravel, and there's a new crisis yet to demand attention.  Exhausting.  There comes a time in a person's life where enough really is enough!  And so it goes.

I have been slowly approaching this catharsis in my life, as stress has been threatening to destroy my well being, my very existence.  I have been unable to sleep, rest, complete my daily work, think even at times.  All that I know or knew to be consistent has suddenly become inconsistent and givens, shaky.  The ground has been shifting beneath me, and I have been struggling not to be sucked into  this point of no return.

I've been on this quest to "find myself" yet all I have "found" or discovered actually is that I already know myself, I've never been lost, but I just need to regroup, recommit, and get back on track without listening to the unsolicited advice of those who have been trying, howbeit unsuccessfully, to suck me down into the same pit they find themselves.  So enough of that negativity, as I pull myself up by the bootstraps again and focus on the real that is right before my eyes.  How's that for reality!!

Suffice it to say I have not arrived, probably never will, as to "arrive" one must become perfect, and perfectionism is  unattainable if we are "real".  So I'll just settle for what I have called before "becoming".  Which is simply a way of saying that I am simply who I am, for the better, I hope, myself.  Or what my son says "what you see is pretty much what you get."  I think that was a compliment for being an "authentic" person with all my quirks.

In reading back over these three paragraphs I find that they don't make a whole heap of sense, except to me, so I will try to muddle through what's been going on in my life.  To say my plate has been "full" is an understatement.  I think my plate has been over full for quite some time, and my trying to eat away at the excess has been causing an overload in my system to where I am at the point of hurling it out in order to find relief.  I have to decompress or cease to exist.

I have decided that in order to remain at rest I must avoid those things or people who bring unrest to my life.  I need to avoid negativity, surrounding myself with positive, life-giving people, avoiding those who suck the life out of me.  All my life I have given to the point of there not being anything left to give.  I am a void on the brink of oblivion.  I need to be recharged, and I am clueless of how to to it, other than avoid what causes me stress.  Even if that means I ignore the telephone when it rings, avoid people who drain or who cannot see a thing to be thankful for in their lives.  They see what isn't while not seeing the blatantly obvious or what is.  The half empty glass kind of people.  I prefer the half full kind.

So on it goes.  Life goes on, and I am going to live it to the full, even if I have to regroup and recharge on occasion.  Miles to go before I sleep, as the saying goes.  Life is full of daily lessons and oodles of blessings.  We just need to keep our eyes open to them!  Live life!  I am.