It is often questionable why people react the way they do. Responses are interesting. One moment - excited daring - adventuresome. The next cowering in the corner of a secluded hamlet, deep within a dense forest surrounded by astounding vegetation, meadows of wild flowers of every conceivable color and variety, amidst mountain grandeur. Cowering, yet surrounded by majesty! What a contradiction!
Such is the human mind.
Sunday afternoon I was bursting to share the wonderful things confirmed to me by God, or should I say, re-confirmed to me as the vision has remained the same yet slowly revolving, the mystery unraveling. Then the inevitable pain of another encounter with evil brought the reality of my life as it now exists crashing to my feet. It's not that I doubt God's ability to fulfill what He has in store for me, as frightening as that can be to a person so isolated and alone. No, not that. It's attitudes of others, those closest to you, yet furthest away. Their reactions to heartfelt moments of transparency - pouring out the soul, that disappoint and break my heart a little more deeply. Letting me know, yes, you are definitely alone. Even the person who deserves to be more does not understand and does not "see."
I live in a world where God is all I know, and all I want to know. My compassion for others knows no bounds. This is my present day mission field, yet I so miss my children, the one here, the ones there, and the ones yonder.
My heart aches for souls who cannot grasp the freedom of a life hidden in Christ. A life that, yes, can be very isolating, introspective, and in opposition to the ones of those we love. It is hard to be different, looked at like you are a freak, because regardless of what happens you have this assurance that all will turn out well in the end, regardless of how long that "end" may be or how it may be played out. People think just because a person dies after so many pray that God did not hear their fervent prayers. I can assure You He hears, and He responds. You feel betrayed when the answer that comes is not the answer you seek. He says, "Will I find faith when I return?"
A life of intercessory prayer is a solitary one, seeing beyond the surface of a finite life - looking into the windows of the soul, daring to understand the torment of that soul - prayer for the release, deliverance, victory. To be able to approach a person so tormented by a past life of desperation, degradation and offer the keys to a prison door. Did I think I would not be challenged by the opposing side?
The threats always come when I am most vulnerable, oddly, yet not really so strange. I am least vulnerable when I am in great pain, such as now. These are the times I see more clearly the hearts of another, and it is a time I can pray the most intensely, honest prayers. God sees all, knows all, so why fear honesty.
My vulnerability is my great desire to do His will - having a heart so open to ridicule of others who cannot understand, because they only know me as one who was always different, head in the clouds, a dreamer, one who hung out with underdogs or old people; who spent her Sunday afternoons after faithful church attendance either laying on a rock in the woods reading or upstairs in the attic alone reading on a rainy day. Climbing trees, traipsing through the woods on one her great adventures, or lost in the imagination of other worlds. Yet, she was loved, admired, befriended by all, even the unsavory, because she was who she was, whatever that meant. That's not a bad definition of "different," is it? That legacy has followed to this day of my life. Some appreciate the difference, others think my faith in God is a crutch, a lapse of common sense, or that it should be separate from reality. To me there is no difference. I am who I am, because He is who He is. And I thank Him for then and now. I am not alone.
Blogs of late have been incoherent, often in left field - a place I also go to escape the truth of certainties. A thing I need to do but have no idea how to do it. So I seek "wisdom," advice from others I dare to trust after a life of disappointment, abandonment, and rejection, in short, dis-trust...only to be further confused, isolated, and alone in the natural world. It would be simpler to take the seemingly easy road out, yet it would be a life of compromise and much worse, it would be wrong to accept a kindness without reciprocation.
So...here I am - on my day off - with opposing thoughts and mind wanderings - yet one thing for certain I know - I know in Whom I have believed, and I am still persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have committed to Him. He is my beloved Lord and Guide. My Comforter and Strength. I will put my trust in Him...regardless.
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