Saturday should be a day of rest and relaxation, doing things that make you feel energized and silly mixed into one! Today wasn't a total blitz for me, but I really didn't accomplish things I needed or wanted to do, but I did do one thing that I should have done a long time ago. I made a phone call, and I spoke honestly about things that were important to me. I relieved some pent up stress, and hopefully this will lead to reduced pain and inflammation in my body. I think that when we internalize feelings eventually our health suffers, and this is where I am at the moment. I am in pain, and I need relief!
I hadn't planned on writing much today, as my inspiration has been a bit slow. Not that I don't have loads to say and much to share about things that are important to me or things God is teaching me as I walk through the fires and floods of life, I'm just not ready to share. When I am there will be no way of stopping me. Right now I need some time to mentally decompress, and I need to make some decisions. Today I made another step towards settling the matter of the "blasted house!" That makes two steps forward...or backwards....depending on one's perspective. I needed peace, and as my friend Ralph says, it begins with me.
When you're trying to make sense out of things it's good to begin with the one basic truth you know about who you are and what you want out of life. People have expectations, and to be honest, I don't do well with that word...expectations, that is. It rubs me the same way hearing the words, "I have my own agenda" does, and that's not a warm fuzzy feeling I am describing.
So the one thing I know about myself is I want to be free. This can mean several things, but to me it means happy to be who I am, doing what I feel God wants me to do, without being made to feel guilty or ashamed, because I am not allowing myself to be roped into doing something I simply do not want to do. It is living my life doing things that give hope to others, encouragement when they're down and out, laughter to make the heart strong, compassion and understanding in times when others judge. Loving people even when they are unlovable. That's what makes me happy. I don't need "things" to light my fire, I only need to be accepted for who I am, because I like myself.
I cannot remember a day in my life when I didn't love God. I always wanted to be around people who taught me about my best friend. I thank God for my childhood, as I was surrounded by people who not only taught me about God's love, but they demonstrated it in the way they lived their lives. Actions speak more loudly than words, ya know. I was talking to my son about that the other day. Our lives are on display.
Sometimes when I'm talking to God, going over my day or not wanting to start my day I go through much of what's in the above image. but I find myself telling Him that I am so tired, and more than once I've found myself thinking or saying out loud, "I guess you're tired of hearing me say I'm tired, right God?" Then I have to admit that I'm pretty tired of hearing those words come from my mouth. Who isn't tired of something, right? So then after a good laugh at myself, and feeling like God's laughing too, I'm better, and I can go on a bit longer with courage.
It's okay to be different, and it's definitely okay to live of life where what God's says matters. My son shared with me about a decision he had made in his life, and then he quoted my own words, words I'd spoken to him many, many years ago. It was a proud moment, a humbling one, to realize that training him to walk in the ways of the Lord, speaking words of life were ones he remembered and was applying in his life. This is why I trust God with my children's welfare, regardless of what I don't see or when I don't hear from them. God told me this would happen, and I am so blessed to be alive at this time seeing seeds I planted in a tender heart grow into fruit being shared with others.
I hope if there's one thing in my life I can do for another person is to give them hope, encourage them to love, to live life not afraid of what another person may think or do. No matter if you're judged by others, considered to be impractical, making poor decisions because that person doesn't understand who you are called be or hold the same values in life as you. As I shared today, releasing feelings long held inside that were crushing me, paralyzing me from making a decision, any decision, I felt free. So now I wait for the next step, and I'll make another decision, another step. Focusing on one step at a time, one day at a time, one moment at a time, because this is my life.
I've learned to become patient over the years. Sometimes it may not seem that way, especially when I need an answer on the job, but that's different from my personal life. And I wouldn't say I am ever really impatient, just tired of avoidable delays that effect lives. That's part of who I am, and I'm honored to stand for what is right, good, and true. I have a huge family I'm trying to look after here in my little area of the universe, so I think it's okay to be passionate when it comes to people's lives and welfare.
As I've shared before I have come to love New Mexico, and I have so many people who have become friends and family. I am so at peace in the beauty of the land surrounding this amazing place. Nothing helps to calm a person as breathing in the beauty of God's handiwork. Abiquiu is one of the most beautiful areas near me, and I love spending quiet times there, collecting my thoughts, dreaming, making plans. It's a bit of heaven really. Naturally, I long to share my special places with people I care about, who say they care about me. How can you say you love someone when you haven't even experienced the life they live, or visited their favorite places. Maybe my idea of love is different, but I ache to share this land I call home with everyone. It truly is a rare and beautiful place in my eyes, and the thought of leaving it makes me sad. I still have so much to do here.
Here I am alone, but I'm never alone. Standing strong, learning to rely on God as my strength has been my way of life, and I've never really felt afraid, and I never want to. In Him I am strong, and sometimes that intimidates people. But I'm a person just like anyone else, with feelings just like you, so give me space, just know I have needs, I'm fragile.
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