On this the fourth day of my brief hiatus from the insanity of my work life, I still find myself very fatigued, and I have accomplished little with the exception of reading, talking to God, and sleeping. But then, that was the reason behind taking off and running away. Actually although I did take off I did not run away, and that may have been a mistake. All in all I am grateful to God for the time He has allowed me to sit at His feet and learn and for the much-needed rest.
I admit I have been feeling somewhat lost. When I become overly tired that happens. It's not that I cannot focus, just that there's too many things needing my attention at once. Sort of like when I am working. Things I planned on doing just didn't get done, but there will be other days. I managed to do some research, so making calls will be the next step on my next adventure.I also wanted to do some preliminary planning for some ideas I wanted to explore. I can't say that was a total loss, as I did check out a few things but only minimally. I chalk that up to exhaustion as well. But I don't want to be too hard on myself. These things take time.
Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, and I find myself remembering my childhood spending Easter with my grandparents. Mama used to make my clothes, and she always made me a new frock for Easter. Other children usually had store bought dresses with fancy jackets or sweaters that made my dress seem plain, but I always felt special. I hope she knew how much I appreciated what she did for me. I always thought she could do anything, she was so gifted, and she passed much of her creativity on to me.
As much of the family who could, those who lived within a day's journey, always traveled to my grandparents' home on Sundays, and others who lived a greater distance, on holidays. These were special times, and it is what I miss the most about home, getting together. Sadly my children do not live within a day's journey or even two, so I seldom see my children. That makes me sad. Times have changed, but memories linger still, and they are a comfort. I thank God for pleasant memories and for the hope of making new ones.
Many things are on my heart this evening, things that trouble me about this life, the present state of world affairs, and the harm others inflict upon the innocent, primarily children, who should never have to witness or endure such things. Sometimes I see or hear stories that deeply trouble my soul, and I find it hard to lay the thoughts down. The images my mind sees or creates of certain atrocities are etched into my conscious mind, and there's no letting go. These are the times I wish I had less imagination.
I wish I understood why people do the things they do, the horror of it all. Yet, grace is extended to all who turn their hearts to Jesus, our Lord. As children of God we live our lives with regret for the wrong choices, wrong paths, and in His grace we pick up the tattered and broken fragments of our souls and go on. It is only those who have experienced suffering who can walk beside another in understanding. Some people, as those who have lived such demonic lives, who have His forgiveness and now walk in His grace by faith in Jesus, what they must endure, what memories must plague their minds, what regret, shame and abject misery.
I have known of people on death row who have accepted Christ, praying for reprieve or pardon, yet their new found faith does not spare judgment for their crimes, but who have breathed their last breath in peace, because He died for all, no matter how awful their crimes. I watched a movie today about a child who was kidnapped, but who fortunately was recovered unharmed, virtue in tact. Yet there are always asides to movies that delve into other crimes, briefly, yet the thought of it is not easily erased from my psyche. My limited intellect finds it hard to grasp why such heinous crimes happen, especially to small children. My heart cries.
The Shack is a work of fiction that speaks of such things, yet it is also a deeper look into the person of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, and it somehow helps us understand how God must feel about these wrongs. The book provides comfort in situations where peace is almost impossible to grasp. It addresses questions people have about "why?" It's not a cure all, yet I know the author who was inspired to take on such an immense effort must truly know the heart of God. I understand it has helped so many people. Parents of children who have suffered such vile deaths have gone on to help others by sharing their stories. It brings healing and support.
My purpose in writing is two fold. I wanted to discipline myself to be faithful to write hoping it would encourage me to publish a story God has given me. And I wanted to be a strength to others by giving them hope, by lifting their hearts to reach for their dreams, and to let them know God loves them and has a purpose for each life. I want others to know that it's okay to ask God why, but more importantly to accept Him at His word. To share the passion of my deepest desire to live my life transformed into His likeness, walking the path of true life, a life He extends to all.
I want always to remain transparent, because it is only in truth that life is found. There is no shame in failure, because without failure there cannot be growth. Failure leads to freedom, and freedom leads to life. We cannot try to be what someone else desires or demands we become, only the person He has created us to be. Authentic in every way, not settling for the counterfeit existence promised if we but change our speech, our dress, or our manner of being. The only acceptance we need, that which we desire, can only be found in true intimacy with God. It's at the heart of the ragamuffin gospel of coming humbly before the throne of grace to obtain mercy. Realizing our utter helplessness and our reliance on Him.
There is only one Savior, and His Name is Jesus. There is only one life, hidden in Christ.
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